When and how do you teach the "rest" of s*x education?

[Ginevra]

You know,the stuff you didn't touch with a ten-foot-pole when you told them the basics? My dd is 12 and I think it is time to learn some of the more embarrasing (but true!) elements. I have told her a thing or two as it came up, i.e, "How can someone have two dads?" I'm not imagining my pleasure in telling her the finer points of what b*rth cont*ol is, abortion, different versions of sexuality, STDs, etc., etc., etc. But I do think we really need to go over these things soon. Do you do this with books? Short talks? What? If there are books you like that help with this, recommendations would be great.

[Emmy]

How CAN someone have two dads? I must be dumb..but I really don't know. :blink:

 

Male homosexual couples that either adopt or hire a surrogate.

[Ginevra]

Wendy, I was in particular talking about a child who was being raised by a pair of homosexual men. It does happen. But a person could also mean a bio dad and a step-dad or other non-traditional scenarios.

[Desert Rat]

I'm not quite there yet, but my dh and I have talked about when and how just recently. While we haven't come up with a game plan, I know lots of parents who use car rides to bring up somewhat embarassing subjects. The library in my county has a lot of books regarding BC, abortion and STDs. I haven't looked into them but I do know they are out there.

[Tony'sMom]

Boy, did you unintentionally open a can of worms. :)

As for the sex discussion...we have always answered what our son asked us. Note..we answered what he asked and just what he asked. As time goes on he knows we are comfortable talking to him about sex so, he is "somewhat" comfortable also.. I guess what I am saying is it happens naturally here. I can't imagine a time that we would say, "Son, we are going to sit down today and discuss s-e-x." It sort of reminds me of 5th grade in Catholic school when the girls were pulled out of class by the nuns to have the "menstruation discussion". I remember after some uncomfortable, confusing moments a girl finally stood up and said, "Are you trying to tell us about PERIODS." LOL

[Emmy]

I know lots of parents who use car rides to bring up somewhat embarassing subjects.

 

 

Just to comment on this - when I was a teen, my parents would do this and I hated it. I felt trapped and it really bothered me. Just a thought. (my parents did this to talk about other stuff - not sex - they told me nothing about sex lol)

[Tammy]

Same here. My kids ask....and I tell, LOL. And...as they get older....they ask questions that require more detail, LOL.

[Wyndie]

I knew a woman once who spent a great deal of time preparing to have the talk with her girls. They had so much information from high school friends that she had to put it straight, but wanted to do it in a sweet way. She prepped all her stuff and took the girls (one at a time) to a nice B&B and they spent the weekend discussing between fun activities and tea times. She also had her wedding ring stones broken from the ring and put into rings for each of the girls - as promise rings. Told them to wear them on the right hand unless they decided to have s*x, then to take them off so the parents would know. (I have no idea what they were planning to do if they saw them off the hand). The girls enjoyed their special weekends with mom and came away with the knowledge in a way that wasn't embarrassing for them. All anyone else knew was they went away for a fun girls weekend - I only knew b/c her husband told me about it b/c he was so proud of the way his wife handled it.

 

I think it can be done in a nice way to minimize the embarrassing parts of it. I mean, there ARE embarrassing parts about s*x ed for many people. If you have a fun "celebrating girls/women" weekend, that can just be part of it. That's my intention for when my girls need to know.

[EKS]

I've been giving my son books. His father refuses to discuss anything with him and I figure that my son would probably rather not have his mother explain all this stuff. I do discuss things with him as they come up: abortion, gay marriage (my aunt recently married her partner of 25 years), rape, that sort of thing.

[stripe]

I think you could incorporate current events and cover much of it -- for example, any health articles on STDs, articles on abortion debate/laws, and so on do come up in the news. You also could encounter it through a religious or moral angle to discuss your views.

 

I also recommend showing real photos of STDs, instead of reading so many books about them. (They are surprisingly difficult to find in stuff aimed at teens or almost any "regular person" but I did find some online on dermatlas; I didn't provide a link as some of the photos showed genitalia.) A picture is worth a thousand words. Really.

 

I remember knowing about abortion at age 7 (and not because I knew anyone who had one, mind you), so I wouldn't delay forever. Then again, when I was a kid, we had Afterschool Specials on TV to cover those shocking teen issues. ha.

[Desert Rat]

Good thought, Emmy. Thanks for sharing. I'll definitely take this into consideration, although my boys tend to wait until I am stuck in the car to ask difficult questions-lately about drugs and smoking. If I see some serious eye-rolling in the back seat, I'll take it as a sign to lay off! :o

[Melissa in Australia]

my mother told me all the basics, and I picked up the rest through reading etc. she did the same for my brothers ( I thought) , but then one of my brothers got married at 20, and shortly after told me how shocked to learn about periods from his wife, he had no idea.

I haven't told my son's about it yet either, I just haven't been able to bring it up, I thought about teaching it in science.

I think we will be learning about homosexuals in History, after pre-reading The history Of the Ancient World.:D

[Dirtroad]

I think you cover the anatomy & physiology at a time appropriate to match their body changing and your family belief system. Sometimes, due to the world and our being in it, this may come early due to something seen or heard. THen it is best to answer only what is necessary... don't say too much if they are young.

 

When it comes to cultural issues, lifestyles, choices, immoral acts, etc.... I think you take them as life hands the issues to you. Today, that may happen much sooner than it did for me. If they have not been exposed to certain issues, you must prepare them before they leave your home & are own their own for work or college, etc. However, for most of us, this will happen much earlier than the age to leave arrives.

 

I always think about the Youngest Confederate Widow movie. She gets married, is in the hotel room (in awe, never been anywhere) and the new hubby (Donald Sutherland) grabs her & proceeds to consumate the marriage. SHE HAD NO IDEA!!!! I tell this with some humor... but really I dont' want my kids to ever face that!;)

[phathui5]

I'd imagine a lot of things could come up naturally during the course of listening to the radio (we listen to talk radio a lot), reading magazines (Time, Newsweek, etc) or the kids hearing dh and I talking about stuff.

 

At 8, my son already knows that some families are a mom and a dad, or just a mom, or just a dad, or grandparents raising grandchildren, or two moms, or two dads, or a transgender woman becoming a man living with a bisexual man... Maybe we just have a wider circle of friends, but we know kids living in all of these family setups.

[Crissy]

How CAN someone have two dads? I must be dumb..but I really don't know. :blink:

 

A dad is different from a biological father.

My husband is a dad to my older son even though he is not his biological father.

And a better parent than his biological father could ever dream of being, btw.

[Ginevra]

Here's a few thoughts on what has been said so far. (And please understand, I'm not shooting down anyone's views or ideas; just what I think works or doesn't work for us.)

 

I have dealt with certain things as they come up in a few instances, but I don't think that really covers it. First of all, things are bound to come up sometimes with younger siblings present. At that point, it needs to be deferred to a later date...which easily never comes. I did do this regarding abortion once. But then when I did explain it, I don't think she really understood. I think she just couldn't imagine why a person would not want a baby and doesn't really understand conception as something that factually happens to anybody with the right biology in place. Secondly, dd is an intensly private kid, which I completely relate to, as I am the same way. I remember as a kid hearing my mom talking on the phone to a friend and saying, "I don't believe in sitting down and telling them everything. They know they can ask me anything they want to know." And I was inwardly going, "NO WAY!" Basically, I think it is better to explicitly tell them whatever I think they should be equipped to know.

 

I do appreciate the "girl's weekend away" concept. It still seems a little bit too uncomfortable to me, though. I'm not a big fan of the promise ring concept, so I wouldn't make that a part of it.

 

Car rides have been an avenue a fair few times. I do think it's good for my daughter because she's not having to look at me. It was a car ride when I asked her if she had gotten her first period. (I knew she had, but she had said nothing, so I wanted to confirm it.) Another car ride to explain homosexual marriage.

 

Showing the actual photos of STDs is not a half-bad idea.

 

I think the main thing I'm wanting is some sort of intentional plan and a time frame to carry it out; perhaps a time of day when younger sibs can be doing some sort of focused work, like piano practice with the headphones on.

[stripe]

I guess part of growing up is understanding that some people do things that are hard for you to imagine (either you yourself doing or ANYONE doing). That may include all sorts of behaviors in the sexual realm, as well as any other realm. And it also means that there may be some perspective lacking and not putting the pieces together. I remember as a child wondering how parents could bear to wait a whole year between having two babies (!).

 

Part of perhaps explaining your own idea of what constitutes proper or healthy behavior may include counter examples for contrast. For example -- trying to pick something most on this board might agree with -- it is a good idea to consider the health of one's sexual partner due to close contact; therefore, you may stress points such as the importance of knowing who the person is (i.e. not a complete stranger), having a discussion with that person about their health, health exams, and/or nature of the relationship you have with them (in other words, what sort of commitment). Another example -- sexuality is usually an aspect of healthy adult life. What does that mean? What sorts of things are not healthy? (For example force, coersion, violence, and so on, and also issues of commitment and the issue of casual sex may be relevant). What behaviors nurture the healthy development of this?

 

I applaud you for recognizing the need to bring the issues up instead of waiting for her to ask.

[Crissy]

one of my brothers got married at 20, and shortly after told me how shocked to learn about periods from his wife, he had no idea.

 

Neither did my husband, and we married when he was 42. His mother had six boys and apparently never thought to discuss 'women's matters' with them.

 

We had a long discussion one evening after he said, "It's as if your cycles come and go with the phases of the moon!"

 

:001_huh:

[Carol in Cal.]

and the later book covers all this stuff pretty well.

 

I do talk individually about things with my DD from time to time, but I really like using the books for structured coverage. I read her a little bit and we discuss it. I also make myself available for questions.

 

Recently one of her friends mentioned that she found a used co**om in a park. DD didn't know what that was. Oops! I thought I had covered that, but maybe not. She was pretty ticked at me for leaving her ignorant. I was glad that she was ticked because it means that she hopes and expects to get her primary information from me.

[bkpan]

You know,the stuff you didn't touch with a ten-foot-pole when you told them the basics? My dd is 12 and I think it is time to learn some of the more embarrasing (but true!) elements. I have told her a thing or two as it came up, i.e, "How can someone have two dads?" I'm not imagining my pleasure in telling her the finer points of what b*rth cont*ol is, abortion, different versions of sexuality, STDs, etc., etc., etc. But I do think we really need to go over these things soon. Do you do this with books? Short talks? What? If there are books you like that help with this, recommendations would be great.

 

We also try to have good discussions as the questions come up, but to make sure that all the bases are covered, so to speak :D, we gave our just-turned 12yo ds the book Preparing For Adolescence by James Dobson. I preread it and thought that it had just the right balance and tone in what we wanted communicated to our ds. It is written to the child. HTH

 

Kim

[elizabeth]

 

http://www.amazon.com/Changing-Bodies-Lives-Expanded-Relationships/dp/081292990X/ref=sr_1_10/189-1144218-0385261?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249267167&sr=1-10 This is certainly the best book for our family on these kinds of issues. If you want a secular resource that is fairly liberal in terms of presenting all information in a morally neutral way so you can share your own beliefs as you see fit then this might be a good book for your family to use. FWIW I do not see many of these topics as morally neutral . Thus , I do a great deal of discussion and questioning as we move through the text. It has worked well for our needs.

[elizabeth]

I think you could incorporate current events and cover much of it -- for example, any health articles on STDs, articles on abortion debate/laws, and so on do come up in the news. You also could encounter it through a religious or moral angle to discuss your views.

 

I also recommend showing real photos of STDs, instead of reading so many books about them. (They are surprisingly difficult to find in stuff aimed at teens or almost any "regular person" but I did find some online on dermatlas; I didn't provide a link as some of the photos showed genitalia.) A picture is worth a thousand words. Really.

 

I remember knowing about abortion at age 7 (and not because I knew anyone who had one, mind you), so I wouldn't delay forever. Then again, when I was a kid, we had Afterschool Specials on TV to cover those shocking teen issues. ha.

Oh gosh, being the daughter of both a physician and registered nurse I saw enough photos of STI/STD to last a lifetime!!! Even better as a deterrent and information source, the Dx manual with the pictures of untreated syphillis, herpes and other unpleasantries. It was a stomach turner. Kept me on the straight and narrow for many a year. Honestly. Scared the bejeepers out of me. Knowing this of course, delights my mother to no end , that her scare tactics and daily dose of Episcopalian shame worked for a while!! Wise woman that one ,I knew way more than I needed to and feared the consequences like the plague.Seriously though I was also the only reliable source of good scientific information on reproduction and sexual health for many of my friends. I am talking life threatening conditions . A path I am not taking with dd. Knowledge appropriate to the age is a good thing .I am so pleased that there are many good resources available today with good solid information so that young men and women can regard themselves with respect and dignity . I do not think ignorance supports either of these values and am pleased to see all the good resources listed in this thread.