Getting the Ex on Board - Objection: Socialization

[SherrieSisk]

YIKES! Mods, I swear I hit the "general" forum and meant to post this there -- apparently I had an errant mouse click. Feel free to move this to the appropriate forum! My apologies -- geez, newbies - can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.)

 

Hi all - this is my first post here - be kind!

 

I'm new to h/s -- getting ready to start my rising fifth-grader this year in the WTM approach. We're both nine kinds of excited about it, she and I. The problem? The ex, who is adamant that (A) he wants to be involved in the experience (by which he means the actual teaching!) and (B) that she'll miss out on "socialization."

 

I quizzed him about that last bit - what did he mean by "socialization"? Turns out his concept differs greatly from mine. I see it as the usual parenting lessons we all give our kids -- how to share, how to be tolerant of others' opinions, how to handle difficulties. I *think* he sees it (he wasn't able to express himself fully on this point) as knowing how to handle bullies (?) and conflict -- that, in short, PS "toughens kids up" -- his words.

 

Uh-huh. Am I crazy in not wanting a "toughened-up kid", necessarily?

 

As for the first part - being directly involved -- I'm not sure how that could work in this program. I think it would require a level of communication that, frankly, he's not been very interested in. I mean, he still has trouble getting me his work schedule regularly so I know what days he wants to have her over. How could we possibly coordinate her lesson plans? My preference would be to treat that aspect just like PS -- with me playing the part of "teacher" and keeping him up to date with progress reports (although I have every intention of being better with that than her last PS teacher was -- we'd get notes with each report card that were -- shall we say -- less than communicative!)

 

Believe it or not, we're actually quite amicable in our post-separation relationship, but we do best with a more general exchange of daughter-related info. I'm just not sure I'm comfortable bringing him into this, given his situation at the present time. (It's also quite possible there's a little bit of possessiveness on my part at play here, too. I really want this experience for myself!)

 

On the other hand, I want to avoid escalated disputes and work this stuff out before hand wherever possible, so, I'm giving it some thought.

 

Do any of you share h/sing duties with an ex? And have you ever dealt with your co-parent's objections about socialization? How'd you all handle that?

 

Thanks in advance for any suggestions and input! (I've got tons of other questions, too, but want to search the archives here first before I go starting a million threads.)

Edited July 19, 2009 by SherrieSisk
Because I'm an idiot, apparently.

[FO4UR]

I don't have any advice on communicating with an ex, but :grouphug:. It must be difficult!

 

As for socialization, I truly agree with you on it. However, I would talk to dh about getting her into sports/extra-curriculars for experience with other kids. That might even be a good spot for him to plug into. Would he be willing to be the parent responsible for the chaufering, etc?

 

Can you send dd with assignments to do with her dad? I understand the possible conflicts (and I don't know the whole story here;)), but I think the desire to be involved is a good thing.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Maybe you should ask him to teach a specific subject or two, particularly if you have joint custody.

 

Further, I think the idea of him enrolling her in a sport team or two is a really good one.

 

One of the things I see happen in divorced Dad situations is that Mom ends up as the "responsible parent" and Dad ends up as the "fun parent". Him taking some genuine responsibility is actually a good thing.

[Mandamom]

I was in the reverse situation as you as I homeschooled my stepson for 5 years with a little input from biomom and later stepdad when she remarried. We were always amicable but periodically she would want more say so and then back out again until she decided she wanted more (sometimes I couldn't figure out what she wanted but I knew it wouldn't last long).

 

Anyway, what I did was to set up my program (a modified WTM approach) and gave her the opportunity to work with dss on extras. This way if they didn't get done, no biggie, but at the same time if they did get done dss benefitted from it.

 

So, my priorities were world history, grammar, literature, writing and math. So, she could be involved in science -- which I wasn't very good at doing until when dss got a little older -- so I gave her a book that she could work through with him and if they did I would include it in the required portfolio and then I would keep track of the science that I did so generally by the end of the year I had pretty good records for science. I bet you could find things like that your ex could do and this way if he doesn't get them done than you aren't out anything but if he does, you, ex and your child all benefit.

 

Biomom also wasn't thrilled about homeschooling so when I was desperate to begin (dss was having a terrible time in school) we pretty much agreed to a trial year where we would finish out the school year. Five years later when I realized that we needed to consider school for dss, she was trying to convince me to still homeschool. She saw what homeschooling did for him socially and she was absolutely thrilled.

 

BTW, dss and his brother (also my ss) currently live with biomom and stepdad and are doing wonderfully. Dss is currently in private school on the honor roll and is a really good kid with a great relationship with all of his parents.

[Karen sn]

Just wanted to say, "WELCOME!"

And there are all kinds of classes for homeschoolers. My dd has taken classes at the museums and oceanographic institutes. these can be weekly or monthly. That might help his "social" worry.

[Peela]

I was separated from my dh when I wanted to homeschool. He was dubious but I needed him to babsit while I worked 2 mornings a week so I really needed him on board. He had all teh usual fears.

I joined the kids into homeschool classes, zoo days, Scouts...it was a priority to get them homeschooling friends and friends outside of the local school. My dh did a complete turn around on homeschooling within a few months because he saw the effect was so good on the kids.

YOu may find that what your dh is concerned about now would change later anyway. Just get your kids into a couple of classes or park days, Scouts, Sports or whatever. Homeschool kids still do come across the same issues as schooled kids- there is still bullying, teasing, and the need to learn to deal with people in real life. Its just that you have a much better opportunity to actually deal with it effectively when you homeschool, and teach your daughter social skills. IN school, you are too far away and too disempowered by the system to be effective.

[Julie in MN]

I quizzed him about that last bit - what did he mean by "socialization"? Turns out his concept differs greatly from mine. I see it as the usual parenting lessons we all give our kids -- how to share, how to be tolerant of others' opinions, how to handle difficulties. I *think* he sees it (he wasn't able to express himself fully on this point) as knowing how to handle bullies (?) and conflict -- that, in short, PS "toughens kids up" -- his words.

 

Uh-huh. Am I crazy in not wanting a "toughened-up kid", necessarily?

 

My dh has similar concerns, and we are together & happy :)

 

His thought (I also *think* I'm paraphrasing here) is that our son could potentially become an introvert or hermit-ish and not be able to handle things that weren't perfect. Really, with our people-oriented son who has the neighborhood over here constantly, I don't think that would ever be an issue!

 

However, it's easy enough to compromise on that. There is so much to get involved in that you almost have to reign it in, at least where we live. Ds has been in co-ops, classes, sports teams, a book club, and more.

 

You'll be able to compromise & your son will be fine! :grouphug:

[phathui5]

Is he willing to read about it? The book The Well Adjusted Child does a great job addressing the socialization issues.

[babysparkler]

We are together, but I thought I would share how my DH and I team-teach... My dh "teaches electives" an hour each morning before he leaves for work. We decide together which "electives" he will teach at the beginning of the year (usually music theory, chess, number theory, etc.) and then he is on his own and "submits his grades" following his final class. I sometimes help him choose curriculum if he needs it. It works great for us and no real communication is needed throughout the year regarding curriculum.

[Shawna in Texas]

Who has a link to the Mr. Fish homeschooling cartoon? That's a funny socialization one. Ever since my husband read that he makes sure he picks on our daughter a little more. She's definitely tough.

 

If I were in your situation I'd let him do the baking soda/vinegar type things because I've never cared too much for science experiments. If dh and I were to split up, I'd send over science experiments and art/drawing. And Singapore word problems. :tongue_smilie:

[eternalknot]

The ex, who is adamant that (A) he wants to be involved in the experience (by which he means the actual teaching!) and (B) that she'll miss out on "socialization."

 

My husband and I are separated, but not divorced. Once he came around to the idea of homeschooling he, too, wanted to be involved. I was both pleased and frustrated with this. He wanted to teach math and science, and insisted on a curriculum for both. I was more of a go-with-the-flow kind of person. MUS was our math compromise, and it's something our student can do with either parent and is genuinely learning from.

 

My husband tried two separate science curriculums before deciding to switch to a more relaxed, as-questions-or-opportunities-arise kind of science instruction. After a semester of teaching, he decided he no longer had an interest in the job. He now "facilitates" MUS and any work I ask of him, but he doesn't "teach" per se. I knew things would end up like this, but wanted him to go through the motions for two reasons:

 

1. He now has an appreciation for my role as a homeschool teacher, and

 

2. the decision to turn teaching over to me was HIS, not MINE.

 

It was a challenging experience, but we're all better for it. I was fortunate that the subjects he wanted were easy to work with - I had to compromise my math strategy but that worked out fine, and I'm not feeling like science is super necessary at my kids' ages so any neglect to teach was no biggie to contend with.

 

My husband is great on intent, poor on delivery when it comes to his wishes and participation in our homeschool. Like you, I have a hard time getting up to date work schedules that I can plan school and life around. I try to do teaching on my days, and leave "homework" or reading on days he has the kids - but that's hard to do without knowing his schedule well enough in advance to plan. And I'm not even a big planner or scheduler! In time, though, we've managed to amicably work out the kinks to find our really good vibe :)

 

Do any of you share h/sing duties with an ex? And have you ever dealt with your co-parent's objections about socialization? How'd you all handle that?

 

Yes, I have shared duties with their dad. His duties have evolved over time, but it's important to both of us that there is SOME semblence of involvement with the homeschooling. I'm flexible and work around his comfort level and changing interests; it's just the easiest answer to making it all work.

 

His initial concerns about socialization have only waned over TIME. The first year we homeschooled was an eye-opener for him, but it took that year (and lots of tongue-biting on my part) for him to come to that conclusion on his own. It could be no other way. Our kids are very involved in the community and extracurriculars, though, so there was no shortage of opportunities for him to see that homeschooling didn't turn our kids into socially-challenged hermits. Now he has his OWN arguments against naysayers who question the socialization of homeschoolers :D.

 

Welcome to the community!

[Pongo]

Who has a link to the Mr. Fish homeschooling cartoon? That's a funny socialization one. Ever since my husband read that he makes sure he picks on our daughter a little more.

 

Are you thinking of this one?

[stripe]

Do you have kids in your neighborhood for him to play with? (I ask because neighborhoods differ greatly. I grew up in one with only the occasional baby, no one my age.) Apparently it is important for boys to be "toughened up" a little bit at least insofar as his being able to defend hemself and not let others walk all over him (so I'm told).

[TraceyS/FL]

Welcome!

 

I'm in th eprocess of an ugly divorce with the main issue currently schooling.

 

We have been homeschooling for 6 years, and NOW all of a sudden the kids need to be in school. I'm failing them, they need socialization and all that. Because God forbid i be allowed to be "home" while he "has" to work.

 

It's not fun.

 

 

Can you send dd with assignments to do with her dad? I understand the possible conflicts (and I don't know the whole story here;)), but I think the desire to be involved is a good thing.

This is a very good thing. Mine hasn't been "involved" for the 6 years we are doing it... and right now i can't even get him to stay involved in helping the middle one with reading. He goes full force at something for a week or so then drops it......

 

Then files court papers.

 

One of the things I see happen in divorced Dad situations is that Mom ends up as the "responsible parent" and Dad ends up as the "fun parent". Him taking some genuine responsibility is actually a good thing.

This is very much true in my case... and has been for years before the divorce stuff started.

 

I'm actually ok with it, because we have fun during school - even though it's also the responsible roll.

 

 

Is he willing to read about it? The book The Well Adjusted Child does a great job addressing the socialization issues.

ACK. Where was the title of this book last week when i was trying to fillin a $10 hole on Amazon. Drat!

 

To sum it up, I would suggest to your xh that since she is going into the 5th grade she has been in school quite a long time so if school was going to "toughen her up" it probably has happened by now; and bullying is illegal now anyway....

My oldest spent from 7months - 1st grade in preschool/private school. From 2y-1st all at the same school. She's a rising 8th grader... her "social experiences" there STILL can bring her to tears over going back to school. And it was a very small Christian school.

 

Yet STBXH insists that she doesn't know what she is talking about and really enjoyed herself.

 

Sure dude, that is why she is sitting on the floor crying over it..... how about you respect her feelings and memories on the subject?

 

ANYWAY, i wish you nothing but the best. I wish i was at the point where we could dicusss plans for the kids schooling and talk about the direction. Alas, i'll have to wait until i figure out how to get her a boyfriend i guess. :rolleyes:

 

:grouphug:

[2cents]

I think it is great that he wants to be involved. I also see your hesitation for some of that too. What about having him take her to a homeschool co-op on the days he has her? The co-ops usually ask parents to pitch in (that will keep him busy) and she would be able to take classes. It also solves the socialization issue. Who knows, he might really like the idea of all those women going ga-ga over the co-op Dad. Men can be rare so the ones I've seen love the attention they get for being the involved homeschool dad. They get really into it. It is a good thing! :001_smile:

[SherrieSisk]

Wow - you folks are amazing. You've all hit it on the head -- I think it's great he wants to be involved, too, but there's that little "but" voice in my head ... probably prompted in equal parts by past experience with the guy and by my own somewhat selfish desires. :D

 

I think it is great that he wants to be involved. I also see your hesitation for some of that too.

 

Thanks for the validation! LOL. Yes, on the whole, being involved is an awesome thing. I just suspect that this new desire is motivated not so much by a desire to be involved but by a desire to keep an eye on whatever it is I'm doing with her. I hope I'm wrong.

 

There are SO many awesome ideas in this thread already ...

What about having him take her to a homeschool co-op on the days he has her?

 

OK, that's an awesome idea. I'm going to have to make a note to look for something like that in my area. (I am concerned, though - it seems most of the folks who homeschool around here do so for religious reasons, which is NOT my motivation. Will they be willing to "accept" a kid who's being classically educated but not in a spiritual/religious context?)

 

Do you have kids in your neighborhood for him to play with?

 

It's a "she" but the answer is "not really." However she does have friends who go to PS, and I can arrange playdates. There's also the beach and the park, where we usually meet new friends on a regular basis. Great suggestion.

 

My husband is great on intent, poor on delivery when it comes to his wishes and participation in our homeschool. Like you, I have a hard time getting up to date work schedules that I can plan school and life around. I try to do teaching on my days, and leave "homework" or reading on days he has the kids - but that's hard to do without knowing his schedule well enough in advance to plan. And I'm not even a big planner or scheduler! In time, though, we've managed to amicably work out the kinks to find our really good vibe :)

 

 

Oh, wow, you hit that nail on the head. That's precisely where I am with my XH: he's great on intentions, not so great on follow-through.

 

Yes, I have shared duties with their dad. His duties have evolved over time, but it's important to both of us that there is SOME semblence of involvement with the homeschooling. I'm flexible and work around his comfort level and changing interests; it's just the easiest answer to making it all work.

That is exactly where I think I need to be. If I can just ease up and let go of some of this -- perhaps using the suggestion several of you made to let him take over one of the "extras" -- I think one of two things will happen. Either he'll decide I can handle it (LOL) or he'll be more involved, and either outcome is fine with me.

Maybe you should ask him to teach a specific subject or two, particularly if you have joint custody.

 

Further, I think the idea of him enrolling her in a sport team or two is a really good one.

 

One of the things I see happen in divorced Dad situations is that Mom ends up as the "responsible parent" and Dad ends up as the "fun parent". Him taking some genuine responsibility is actually a good thing.

 

You're absolutely right. I guess, I just am concerned that because of that "fun parent" pattern he's already pretty firmly established, this will end up being one more thing where I'm placed in some kind of competition I have no desire to be in. Of course, if that happens, then it's up to me simply not to play that game. I really like the idea of having HIM be the one to take her to some team sport on a regular basis. The only problem with that is his retail store schedule is all over the place. I can't even get him to pick her up for visits on a regular basis -- I have concerns I'd be able to get him to commit to taking her to soccer or cheerleading every week. But you're right - that would be ideal if we could do it. Put the ball in his court, so to speak -- that's pure genius! :iagree:

Welcome to the community!

 

Thanks! I can already tell this place is going to be my lifesaver! Thank you ALL for all your suggestions and support - you guys rock out loud in stereo, as dd says. :auto:

[Alison in KY]

Just a quick reply to your concerns on joining a religious homeschool organization.

 

I'm a member of a Christian homeschooling group and that's where it ends. There are classical, charlotte Mason, traditional, unschoolers, etc in our group. The one common thing to our group is a belief in Jesus...therefore we tend to pray before activities, etc. Schooling style just doesn't matter. I would think this is fairly typical. Oh, and sometimes during elections you will see some political stuff, but you can just tune that out if you want.

 

Alison

[SherrieSisk]

Just a quick reply to your concerns on joining a religious homeschool organization.

 

I'm a member of a Christian homeschooling group and that's where it ends. There are classical, charlotte Mason, traditional, unschoolers, etc in our group. The one common thing to our group is a belief in Jesus...therefore we tend to pray before activities, etc. Schooling style just doesn't matter. I would think this is fairly typical. Oh, and sometimes during elections you will see some political stuff, but you can just tune that out if you want.

 

Alison

 

Thanks Alison! I've done a little searching online for local groups but not much luck yet -- there's a Yahoo group but it doesn't seem too active. Hopefully I can connect with a few local HSrs though.