How do you help a painfully shy child?

[PineFarmMom]

My dd has been helping in 5yo ds' class at church. She tells me he won't answer questions and doesn't talk at all. When other children talk to him, he will answer back with a quick answer, but that is all. He does sing some of the songs but not with luster. He has even had another boy make a comment to him about his not talking and participating. He told us all about it and it didn't bother him a bit. He is just not that person in the presence of our family and the neighbor kids, which are mostly older than him. I can't decide if just letting him be that way and grow out of it is best or if maybe I need to help him more. How do you help with this type of thing? I haven't had one that was shy before this one. We've had other issues, just not this particular one. ;)

[OrganicAnn]

Many kids 'grow' out of it. Also it might help to think of shy behavior as a coping mechanism. When faced with a new or uncomfortable situation some kids shyly hide their face and some yell and some act silly and ...

 

At that age, I think the only thing you might want to do is give him more opportunities to be around other non family members.

 

If he were older, there are ways to develop different coping mechanism. There is a professor at IUS that studies shyness and had some exercises that he would have shy adults do. Ask a stranger to make change for a vending machine/parking meter. Develop a few conversation starters. Etc.

[Starr]

I was a school nurse in an elementary school of about 350 children. It was very interesting watching the shy 4 and 5 year olds become 8 and 9 year olds. Most of them while not extroverted had a strong sense of self. Keep giving him support. :)

[Jill- OK]

My family just gently encouraged me, while acknowledging my individual needs/limits.

 

I've tried to do the same for my dd, and it seems to have worked. (She's much more comfortable with non-family members now, and she's always been shy, since babyhood.)

 

It's hard, but you can strike a balance between encouraging them to try new things, and respecting when they need to pull back.

 

It sounds like he's doing good, if he's partcipating *some*, at five, and interacting well with neighbor kids...I'd keep doing whatever you're doing! :001_smile:

[Laura Corin]

Calvin was very shy at that age. He has definitely grown in confidence over the years.

 

Laura

[LinRTX]

We taught Sunday School years ago and had a painfully shy girl in our class. She never talked to anyone but her siblings. I even remember acting out Bible stories with them and told the girl that she did not have to talk but I wanted her to participate. She was the fordidden tree in the Garden of Eden.

 

Fast forward to today. She is now 15 and talks to everyone. She is a joy to be around and very confident of who she is. My opinion is to just let them be themselves, especially at 5.

 

Linda

[gingersmom]

My son was in 1st grade with a little girl who was painfully shy. On the playground she would play by herself. My outgoing chatty son would go and play with her. The teacher thought it was funny. Polar opposites playing together.

 

Her mother enrolled her in synchronized skating which my older daughter is part of. She is still painfully shy but because she knows my son she goes out of her way to talk to my older daughter.

[KS_]

My family just gently encouraged me, while acknowledging my individual needs/limits.

 

I've tried to do the same for my dd, and it seems to have worked. (She's much more comfortable with non-family members now, and she's always been shy, since babyhood.)

 

It's hard, but you can strike a balance between encouraging them to try new things, and respecting when they need to pull back.

 

It sounds like he's doing good, if he's partcipating *some*, at five, and interacting well with neighbor kids...I'd keep doing whatever you're doing! :001_smile:

 

I agree with this - gentle encouragement, but realizing and allowing them to be themselves and not pushing. My ds was like this when he was younger (he's 10 now), and I just let him be and tried to support him and didn't push or make him feel like there was something wrong with him. I was a very shy child and unfortunately, my parents did try to push me into things, and the only thing it did, was make me feel even more insecure and more aware of my shortcomings. It took me a very long time to overcome that (well into high school). Ds, though, is quite a confident boy in most situations now :)

[lollie010]

I agree with the other posters. My ds was very shy and has outgrown this over time. I think sometimes he was just overwhelmed. I learned from the moment he entered the room to introduce him to the adult in charge. I would also help him to identify a few of the other children and point out things they might have in common. It really made a difference for him because he was just the kind of child he needed to know this. I never pushed him, but we did role play a few times at home. I found that he did much better in structured situations. He was very uncomfortable with free play in large groups.

 

Laurel T.

[SeekingSimplicity]

I was always painfully shy, all thru elematary, middle school, and jr. high. We changed schools a few times, which didn't help because I had to make friends all over. BUt I usually managed to have 1 or 2 good friends, and that was it. Then when I got to high school, my dad encouraged me to try theater arts, which turned out to be really good for getting me out of being shy.

At a younger age, I don't think there would have been anything you could have done to push me out of being shy tho. In fact I think, for me at least, that puttig me in social situations would have caused me to withdraw more. I had to get to a certain age where I could handle it, and find myself in a situation that happened to be just right for me to 'blossom', ykwim?u

[Georgiana Daniels]

At that age, I think the only thing you might want to do is give him more opportunities to be around other non family members.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I was terribly shy as a kid--so much that my mom had to quit her job and work at the daycare so I could be with her. As I got to school age, she got me into all kinds of activities so I could learn to engage with others.

 

Now, it's still my preference to keep to myself in a crowd of new faces, but after a bit, I have no trouble chatting it up with anyone who'll listen. I attribute much of my ability to do so to my mom's willingness to keep encouraging me in unfamiliar situations.

[katemary63]

It is very important to realize that this is a genetic trait and your child was BORN this way. I have a shy FIL, shy DH and a couple of reserved DC. You should also realize that shyness can be magnified or extinguished to some degree by a parents behavior. My MIL magnified my DH's shyness by catering to his desire not to interact with outsiders and by embarrassing him in public. By the time he was 20, he had some serious anxieties to overcome. ( which he has over the years, bless his heart!)

My DS had severe stranger anxiety as a baby. If a person in the grocery story just looked at him, he would burst out in tears and reach for me. I could see the writing on the wall - that he would have the same difficulties as his father and grandfather if I didn't do every thing I could to help him out of it. This same son was afraid of ANY new experiences as a child.

It was difficult to walk the line of understanding and enabling. I gave my DS as much positive encouragement as I could and made sure he was exposed to lots of new experiences and people. I encouraged him to take baby steps in the direction of interacting with others. I did NOT let him make choices that I thought were bad for him, JUST because he was afraid or shy.

For example: He was afraid and embarrassed to go to the roller skating rink for the first time for a friends birthday party. He cried all the way there. He was age 4. He said he was NOT going to skate and sat on the bench with his arms folded. This is what I said to him, "Josh, I am going to put these skates on your feet. You are going to skate right here on this carpeted area for 5 minutes. I will be right here with you. I will set the timer on my watch. When the 5 minutes are over, you may take your skates off and we will go home." I put his skates on as the tears flowed down his cheeks. I helped him stand up and go a couple of steps. Then he started to go on his own. In 4 minutes, he asked me if he could go out onto the skating rink. In 20 minutes, he was skating like a maniac and people thought he had had lessons. He LOVED it.

Josh did not want to play baseball on a team. He was good at it at home and his dad and I decided he should try being on a team. He screamed his head off and said no. He was 6. On the way to his first practice, he held on to the seat belt so I couldn't take it off of him and screamed and screamed, "You can't make me! You can't make me!" I ignored him. We got to the practice and I said. "I am going to give you 5 minutes here in the car to stop crying. After 5 minutes, we are going to go sit on those bleachers and watch your team practice. We will sit there for 15 minutes and then we will go home." After 5 minutes on the bleachers, he said, "Can I go play with the other kids now?" Josh went on to play team baseball his entire childhood through high school.

We had many, many events like this with Josh as he grew up. We just kept plugging along. The point is, being understanding does NOT mean enabling. We never condemned Josh for his fears or shyness. We offered sympathy, love and understanding, support and encouragment. But we did not let him choose not to participate in life because of it. We helped him to take baby steps that showed him he could over come his fear.

Go figure, this DS is now the life of the party. Mr. Congeniality. He is also brave and adventurous to the point that he joined the US. Marine reserves after high school.

[kmacnchs]

Get together with a parent of another terribly shy child you think your child will get along with. Chances are, they will play next to each other but separately for awhile but will eventually play together...it's a step forward...

That is what I am doing with another mother with a girl my dd's age. That way, there is no pressure and playing with 1 child is less threatening than playing with a hole class full of children.