Kid who's afraid to try--what to do?

[Garga]

Ahhh! I think I'm finally getting some insight into my ds6.

 

Backplot: what you need to know about ds6: He hates math and he hates reading. But, he loves to learn history and science. Math and reading take effort. Science and history are easy--listen to the story and do some sort of project.

 

Here's my new insight:

Last night we went roller skating for the first time. He was extremely unwilling to try. He got the skates on, and immediately wanted to stop. We managed to get through the evening with him having a VERY bad attitude and insisting that he just couldn't do it. I told him that no one can skate the first time, it takes practice. He was having none of it and continued to be very unpleasant.

 

This morning we went to see Kung Fu Panda at the theater (for free! Love that.) Afterwards, he wanted some Chinese food so I said, "Good idea! Hey, how about we ask for chopsticks and use them to eat our food?!" He looked dismayed and said, "I don't want to do that!"

 

At this point, I started insisting that it would be fun and cool for us to learn. (We are friendly with the people who work there--they'd have shown us how to do it.) But he kept insisting that he would NOT even try. Not even try! So I said, "Dude. We will NOT go to the Chinese restaurant unless you agree to just TRY the chopsticks." He refused to try and here we are at home.

 

WHAT'S UP WITH THIS?!?!? Why won't he try new things? I realize now that this is what makes reading and math soooo painful for us. He just won't TRY something that he's not automatically good at. And at 6 years old there's not a whole lot he's automatically good at!

 

What do I do?

 

I'm considering taking him roller skating a few times a week and MAKING him skate until he gets better and sees that if you persevere you can learn something new. The only other thing I can try is for ME to learn something new and show him my own failures until I learn it. DH knows the guitar. I was thinking of having ds sit in while dh teaches me to play the guitar so ds can watch how I get better with practice.

 

Is it being lazy? Is it fear of failure?

 

Advice?? Comments?? Please!!!

Edited July 2, 2009 by Garga_

[Melinda]

Maybe a reward chart of some kind?

 

Find something he would really enjoy doing and make up a chart where he gets a sticker every time he does something he really doesn't want to do. Once he gets a good amount of stickers up there (15, 25, 50, 100? depends on the kid, I guess) do whatever it is you agreed to.

 

You could also make up a contract with him where he has to uphold his end to get you to do your part.

[Emmy]

I'm not sure I would force him at 6, to try things he doesn't want to try. My second son is a kid that always wants to see others do things first and maybe think about it and get used to the idea before he tries new things. I find, that if I give him time and space, he will try and enjoy new things when he's ready.

 

No criticism - just a suggestion really. I understand your frustration - I am super outgoing and always ready to try new things and my kids are not always there - so I've found myself in that "c'mon, what not???" role as well.

[Garga]

Thanks, Emmy. That's how I feel. I just don't GET why he won't try. I mean, I can sort of see the skating: rolling around, falling over. But the chopstick thing really threw me. I don't get the big deal of not trying to eat with a stick and then stopping and finishing the meal with a fork.

 

He just wouldn't agree to try to eat one bite of food with a chopstick.

 

It felt like our reading lessons where I'll ask him to sound out a word he's not seen before. He digs in the heels.

[myfunnybunch]

Be patient. :) He will try new things, promise. He sounds like a guy who needs to do things on his own timetable.

 

I have a hesitant ds, also 6. He looks at new things suspiciously, and he's afraid of doing things the "wrong" way. (I also have a ds who will try anything and laughs and tries again if he makes a mistake. Go figure...) I have found that the more I push, the more I insist, the more I wheedle and try to persuade, the more he resists.

 

The only other thing I can try is for ME to learn something new and show him my own failures until I learn it.

 

You're absolutely right. You've got it right there. "Do as I do" and all that. You try new things. If you'd like him to try chopsticks, take him out to eat and say, "Let's try the chopsticks!" If he says "No," well, Okay. Maybe he can try them next time. Or get him a set of kid chopsticks and eat with chopsticks at home. Just set them by his plate and let him choose whether to try them or not.

 

My ds responds well to "Wow, I'm proud of you for trying something new." Of course I have to wait until he actually tries something new (sigh), but eventually...

 

Cat

 

P.S. When it comes to math and reading, we approach things differently. School is just what we do, like brushing teeth or using good manners. Not optional. And I liberally praise willing effort and trying his best.

[JenneinCA]

My youngest is like this. He constantly compares himself to the older kids and just can't measure up. No amount of talking makes it better. I require things that are important to me (like reading and some math). And I let the rest of it go. He sometimes cries and sometimes he tries when no one is watching. I have to be careful to NOT say anything when he tries something new and thinks I am not watching or he hides even more carefully.

 

He is getting braver, but it takes time. Lots of time.

[Ruby]

It took my daughter a million years to learn to ride a bike. If she didn't think she could do it the first time she did not want to do it at all. She has mellowed( is that a word?) out now that she is older(12). She still has to be encouraged to say what she really wants when she's in a group and I do gently nudge her to try new things. She slowly learned that it is okay to fail and try again.

 

Last year at the annual thanksgiving day race my son (7) decided he did not want to race. He was emphatic. He had come in 2nd place the year before and I'm not sure if that is what made him not want to try this year. He may have been afraid of not winning. It was weird. My husband who is learning everyday to become a better daddy....was not so good of a daddy that morning and tried to coax and push him into doing the race anyway even though ds was crying and definately not wanting to do it. I'm sure it made my ds feel even worse and dh and I had a little chat about it after the incident. I was not very happy with him (dh)of course. It was just a race. No biggie. But you should see ds ski..........he would race most people off of the mountain. He flys like a mad man. Maybe because he learned how to ski when he was 4 he has just always known how to do it. Full of confidence there. no problems.

 

So I would love to hear peoples opinions and ideas on this topic. ruby

[melissel]

I agree with Cat. My DD6 is exactly like yours. EXACTLY. The only thing that has worked is backing off entirely when she expresses resistance at trying new things. For the past 6 years, she has flatly refused to go on even the baby rides at any amusement park or carnival. I used to try to cajole her, but I finally stopped. This year, she went on 7 or 8 rides, some by herself, with no prompting at all. Yeah, she was the oldest kid on them, but she was so proud of herself.

 

For her, the more we push, the more she digs in, and then she also has the negative associations of pressure from us to go with it. Even reverse psychology doesn't work on her :lol: Like another poster said, some kids will only do things on their own timetable and not a moment sooner. It's frustrating for me, because I'm very goal-oriented. It's definitely been a life lesson!

 

About school, though, we do also treat it as something that simply needs to be done. I may back off a bit or break something down into smaller, less overwhelming bites for her, but when I give her schoolwork, I do expect it to be done. That's been a life lesson for me too. But, yes, school is one of those things for us.

 

Consider yourself lucky that you have a kid who is very independent minded. That will take him far in life!

[melissel]

It took my daughter a million years to learn to ride a bike. If she didn't think she could do it the first time she did not want to do it at all.

 

Oh yes! The bike thing. We're going through that right now. We had to buy a bike big enough to accommodate her and have training wheels added to it. It was only this spring that she even agreed to ride with training wheels. It drives me nuts, but...it's who she is.

[Ruby]

Almos forgot about my other daughter who for the longest time covered her ears at the Fourth of July fireworks. Every year until she was about 10. She had to come with us of course but we let her be comfortable by doing what she needed. She loves them now. No problems at all. Ruby

[Tap]

I would try breaking things down into smaller pieces. Talk about each step along the way, and see what part is bothering him. This will help him realize that while he may be afraid of one step of the process, that the entire activity isn't as scary as the individual parts.

 

Lets say you are taking him to swimming lessons. Make a list of things that they are going to do. Make small lists and decide on a hand signal to tell him that he has accomplished each feat. Like a thumbs up for encouragement along the way, but two thumbs up if he has done all the things on the list. If one part is a sticking point for him, practice at home. If it is blowing bubble in the water, then let him practice in the bath tub. Going up and down the ladder? Practice on one at home. etc.

 

1. Change into swimming clothes, walk onto the pool deck, sit in a chair.

2. When the teacher is in the water, sit on the side of the pool with feet in the water.

3. Talk to the teacher.

4. Get into the water, hold the bar on the side of the pool.

 

Putting face in the water:

1. Put face in the water (open your eyes if you want to)

2. Blow bubbles into the water (be like a scuba diver)

3. Raise head up and get more air...decide if you want to try again.

 

 

 

I personally would not let the lack of trying new things, be a hill to die on for you, at his age. This is the age where they start to see real actions, have real consequences. That some fears are real, and they don't have the experience to tell a bad fear like playing with matches, and putting their face in the pool water apart. We know which is more dangerous and why, they do not. For the example of chop sticks, get him some, let him play with them at home picking up toys or little items like sandwich bites. It sounds like trying new things are stressful for him, not enjoyable. Break it down and focus on the steps that he knows, and will like, and then minimize the part he doesn't like. Help him realize that you just because one part is scary, doesn't mean that you can't enjoy 100 other parts that aren't as scary.

 

Dd10 has few fears, she is more likely to jump into things head first, and then figure out how to save herself. Ds14 was a lot like your son, the pool example was from raising him (he is now a competitive swimmer :0) ). Over time ds14 is still more cautious, but he can see real danger much easier than dd10, who is more oblivious. Both sides of the coin have benefits. Dd10 will fly down the mountain going skiing, her instructors are always looking at me and laughing at how much of a handful she will be as a teen. She loves huge roller coasters, and things that go fast. She will try anything once! Ds14 snow boards, but is cautious. He hates roller coasters, but loves little kids. He sees things that need to be done and just does them. He has a heart of gold. Both kids are wonderful, both have very different personalities. Ds now tries new things all the time, but they are on his terms.

 

As far as the math goes, as you talk about a lesson, put check marks by the parts he already knows. The put circles by the parts he needs to learn. Have him fill the circles with check marks, as he understands and can use each new skill. This helps them to realize that something big, is really just a lot of small parts of things that he already knows.

 

ETA: if he likes physical rewards, put the steps on to index cards and let him have the card after he masters the items on the card. Let him keep a stack of his accomplishments in a small box or bag, so he can see them as a reminder of the small steps all coming together to make him a man. He can then take them out and read them again as needed.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[Garga]

Thank you all so much for your quick replies. It's been an hour since I wrote the OP and I can still feel a bit of the adrenalin. For some reason the chopstick thing just really upset me.

 

I'm glad to know I'm not alone, and I'm going to do my best to back off the poor guy. I think he might also be feeling a little low still because he's been snapping at his little brother since we came home. Ugh.

 

Don't you hate it when you feel like you've made a mountain out of a molehill as a mom? Even as I was pushing about the chopsticks I was wondering if I was making a mistake by pushing.

 

He asked for soup for lunch. I think he wanted to pick something that couldn't possibly be eaten with a chopstick!! :tongue_smilie:

[Rhonda in TX]

(NOT!) He is famous among some of my friends (the ones who witnessed it) for a battle between DH and DS over a slide at the neighborhood pool. DS would not let him off the ladder until he went down the slide. There were many, many tears by the time DS finally went down the slide. After that, he loved it, so DH feels like he is justified. I'm not so sure. (And this did not make my DS more willing to try new things.)

 

Think of it this way - how is his life going to be impacted if he never does these things? Math and reading - big impact. Chopsticks and roller skates (and pool slides! :tongue_smilie: ) - small impact. Choose your battles wisely.

 

(I'm NOT trying to make you feel bad. I know what you're going through, and believe me, I have pushed many times when I shouldn't have.)

[i.love.lucy]

My dd is like this. She about to be 9. She puts on the brakes and creates a scenario of failure or pain around just about everything. She never wants to try new things and if something has the remote possibility of being painful if she fails, or if it holds the possibility of embarrassment, then NO WAY.

 

I have successfully used peer pressure. I don't like to do this too much because I don't want her friends to later be able to talk her into smoking pot or something, but to try the big slide at the pool, yes. No amount of me talking to her about it and how safe and easy and fun would make her do it. But a friend pressuring her, gently, to do it got her up there and now I can't get her off of it. Maybe using a friend to partner with him in trying some new things will give him confidence.

[Joanne]

It sounds like a (relatively) minor form of anxiety. That's why you don't "get it"; you don't experience and process the situation the way he does.

 

My dd has anxiety issues. Internally, I vacillate between loving maternal understanding and Joanne-like GET OVER IT reactions.

 

Externally, I take each situation individually. There *are* times she seems to benefit from pushing. Other times it becomes counter productive or shaming.

 

One thing I do insist on is that her (anxious) reaction can not spoil the event for others; not by moods, words, facial expressions, etc. She can sit out but 1) no contageous bad moods and 2). We will not stop having fun or participating just because she can't or won't join in.

 

We now have a string of success stories to draw on and remind her of past achievements. She has an Aunt she loves that "has anxiety" too and that helps - just knowing an adult she respects reacts the same way.

[Laurie4b]

Ahhh! I think I'm finally getting some insight into my ds6.

 

Backplot: what you need to know about ds6: He hates math and he hates reading. But, he loves to learn history and science. Math and reading take effort. Science and history are easy--listen to the story and do some sort of project.

 

Here's my new insight:

Last night we went roller skating for the first time. He was extremely unwilling to try. He got the skates on, and immediately wanted to stop. We managed to get through the evening with him having a VERY bad attitude and insisting that he just couldn't do it. I told him that no one can skate the first time, it takes practice. He was having none of it and continued to be very unpleasant.

 

This morning we went to see Kung Fu Panda at the theater (for free! Love that.) Afterwards, he wanted some Chinese food so I said, "Good idea! Hey, how about we ask for chopsticks and use them to eat our food?!" He looked dismayed and said, "I don't want to do that!"

 

At this point, I started insisting that it would be fun and cool for us to learn. (We are friendly with the people who work there--they'd have shown us how to do it.) But he kept insisting that he would NOT even try. Not even try! So I said, "Dude. We will NOT go to the Chinese restaurant unless you agree to just TRY the chopsticks." He refused to try and here we are at home.

 

WHAT'S UP WITH THIS?!?!? Why won't he try new things? I realize now that this is what makes reading and math soooo painful for us. He just won't TRY something that he's not automatically good at. And at 6 years old there's not a whole lot he's automatically good at!

 

What do I do?

 

I'm considering taking him roller skating a few times a week and MAKING him skate until he gets better and sees that if you persevere you can learn something new. The only other thing I can try is for ME to learn something new and show him my own failures until I learn it. DH knows the guitar. I was thinking of having ds sit in while dh teaches me to play the guitar so ds can watch how I get better with practice.

 

Is it being lazy? Is it fear of failure?

 

Advice?? Comments?? Please!!!

 

What you are describing is anxiety. "Making" someone who is anxious about something do that thing increases the anxiety. Getting upset about it increases the anxiety. Think of soothing behavior, helping him take the next step, building in rewards, letting him decide in the case of stuff like skating, giving him some choices/control that is appropriate in reading/writing. (Do you want to read a line and then I read a line, or do you want me to read the whole paragraph and then you read it? --that kind of thing.)

[AnneGabe]

b

Edited September 6, 2023 by AnneGabe
privacy

[AnneGabe]

Oh my, taptaptap, I really love your advice!

Lets say you are taking him to swimming lessons. Make a list of things that they are going to do. Make small lists and decide on a hand signal to tell him that he has accomplished each feat. Like a thumbs up for encouragement along the way, but two thumbs up if he has done all the things on the list. If one part is a sticking point for him, practice at home. If it is blowing bubble in the water, then let him practice in the bath tub. Going up and down the ladder? Practice on one at home. etc.

 

 

I totally didn't think of that but it so works for my daughter. Piece by piece. Mini successes. Great tip!

[i.love.lucy]

It sounds like a (relatively) minor form of anxiety. That's why you don't "get it"; you don't experience and process the situation the way he does.

 

My dd has anxiety issues. Internally, I vacillate between loving maternal understanding and Joanne-like GET OVER IT reactions.

 

Externally, I take each situation individually. There *are* times she seems to benefit from pushing. Other times it becomes counter productive or shaming.

 

One thing I do insist on is that her (anxious) reaction can not spoil the event for others; not by moods, words, facial expressions, etc. She can sit out but 1) no contageous bad moods and 2). We will not stop having fun or participating just because she can't or won't join in.

 

We now have a string of success stories to draw on and remind her of past achievements. She has an Aunt she loves that "has anxiety" too and that helps - just knowing an adult she respects reacts the same way.

I really like the way you put things Joanne! Pushing can lead to shaming and I don't want to do that.

 

And I also try to enforce the "no contagious" bad moods thing. Otherwise she'd gladly spoil the whole thing for everyone.

 

One great success story we had that I just thought of was our trip to Disney. I did the most coaching to myself : that it didn't matter if she rode a single ride, that i wasn't going to get angry and push her, that we'd all enjoy our time regardless of her actions. The we started small with the rides, in Fantasyland, and built up from there. She had immediate gratification when she successfully went on more and more adventurous rides. It also helped that her boy cousin was there and was just as nervous about roller coasters. They braved them together. Again, the peer pressure thing working to my advantage!

[gingersmom]

My son was very similar to yours and even now (age 9) he still can be like that. Although much much better!

 

He has taken swimming lessons on/off since he was little. And last year he took them all year. So finally he would go in about 5 feet of water (he still could stand). Then by the end of the summer we was leaping with joy into the deep end.

 

But he refused to go on the diving board. His sister only went off the diving board and he would not even entertain the thought.

 

So I went off the diving board. I walk with a cane, have had back surgery, have other issues and I must have gone off that diving board 10 times. The look on my son's face was priceless. He was so astonished.

 

I guess he finally realized if I could do it, so could he.

 

The diving board is now his favorite spot at the pool.

 

We still have not conquered riding a bike though. One thing down, one to go.