Amber in AUS Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 One of my close friends has a DS 22m and is just home from hospi with a DD now 8w old. Her DS rules the house and she freely admits he tells her when to put the baby down, where she is to be put etc and a lot of the time she obliges him. He also has the 'attention span of a goldfish' in her words. She might set him up with crayons or playdoh and he lasts a minute max. I know that an amount of this behaviour is perfectly normal for toddlers but i can't help feeling that she needs to be stronger and encourage him to persevere or at least work on lengthening his attention span. He shouldn't be telling her when to put the baby down, he is 22m!! Are there any words of wisdom or sites i can recommend to her? I am not the most tactful person and so have held my tongue but now feel like i should offer some gentle help. This has been an ongoing issue, not just since the baby came home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Whatever you do, please keep her away from the Pearls!! EEK! They are into hitting babies and it just doesn't set well with me. The only good thing I have ever heard from them is "tomato staking". I use that approach, but without the physical punishment. The way THEY advocate it is to hit the kid everytime he does something you don't like. And he is pretty much stuck to you like glue for days. (hence, the 'tomato stake' part) I think that when trying to address certain behaviours, it IS necessary to keep them close, however, you don't have to hit to show them that you want things done in a different way. (Also, hitting him right now would set her up for a world of trouble since he is already likely out of sorts due to a new sibling.) Maybe she could give him some special jobs? Like, when she is nursing the baby that is her special time to read to him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 (edited) I think we just need to remember that we all have different parenting styles and there isn't another mother out there that will parent the same way. If her new LO is still tiny, she might be feeling tons of guilt with the adjustment, along with hormones trying to re-balance themselves. Right now the best thing is probably giving lots of hugs to your friend and offering super extra attention to her toddler. ((hugs)) to you to for being such a good, concerned friend. And I agree about staying away from the Pearls. Hitting a child is always wrong. Always. Never, ever, ever, ever hit a child. Edited June 30, 2009 by jadedone80 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in AUS Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 (edited) Gosh, i certainly am not after any hitting/spanking advice so i will be sure to keep her away from the Pea Edited June 30, 2009 by Amber in AUS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Honestly, if she hasn't asked for advice/input I would not give it no matter how gentle you could be. Her toddler's behavior would bother me to no end but I would just keep my mouth shut and hope the mother eventually asked me for advice. I would also hope that my training of my dc would be an example to the mother whose toddler controls her, and that as she saw the difference in my dc's behavior she might ask me what I do. Often times waiting for an opening is better than making one. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Has she asked for advice? I agree that watching and being around an underdisciplined bossy child is difficult. I've minimized or eliminated time with friends over the issue. But if she hasn't asked your advice or opinion, what any of us would suggest is moot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 My first was 3 when my 2nd was born so not so much a toddler, but I purposely allowed him to have control over certain things like whose diaper got changed first or where we sat when nursing, etc. My thought was that having a new baby was a huge change that he couldn't control and there was a lot else that he couldn't control. I still disciplined him and didn't let him have everything he wanted....but if he had said put the baby here I'd have done it if it was reasonable. If he'd said give me candy for breakfast...no. :) IMO, it helped a lot with the transition to let him think he had some control/choices over the stuff that didnt' really matter to me. I'd agree with the others though that it's likely your friend is just venting/sharing and not looking for advice. Unless she's asking you, it's always tricky to give someone else parenting advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in AUS Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 Maybe you're right and she is just venting/sharing and not really looking for advice. I know she thinks i do well with my kids, she has said so and thinks they are well behaved, polite, intelligent etc. She does complain a lot about his behavior and i have given her advice on his sleeping when he was little but only when asked specifically. I guess i didn't really say you should do this, it was more that i would tell her what has worked for me and be encouraging and supportive. I have never commented on his behavior. He has been a demanding, incontrol kid since he came home from the hospital. She goes to his every murmer, she drops everything for him, she will make 5 dinners if he doesn't eat the first 4, she constantly entertains him and does what he wants. I find that really hard and he has them wrapped about his fingers and he knows it too. I think it is terrible that his little sister is going to miss out because he is a brat! So for those who have removed themselves from friendships in which they didn't like the other children's behavior did you actually say anything or just stop communicating with that person? I don't really want to cut her off and i am an honest kind of person. Part of me just wants to call her and dump and get it all off my chest. I know other mutual friends of ours are horrified too. Ok, i guess i am just venting now. Honestly i was more thinking i should encourage her to read some CM or something to see how beneficial habit training in small kiddos can be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I have five kids. After my first three, I considered myself a paragon of excellent parenting. My first three (and now my #5) were (and still are :D) practically perfect. They are compliant, well behaved, do what they're told, hard working, and the list goes on.... And then. My dear sweet #4 entered the world and shattered all of my self-proclaimed expertise. She's just a fire cracker and there's not a thing I can do to change her although I've tried. Lord knows I've tried.... (And now that she's four, she's finally become a smidge more reasonable and she does much much better than she used to, but we still have our moments.) Personality and biology impact behavior much more than we parents of easy going children realize. You may think your kids are well behaved because of you, but I'm here to tell you your sample size may just not be big enough. Some kids are just *more*. 22 month olds are notoriously disagreeable and often difficult. They don't respond to logic. They aren't necessarily simple creatures that can be assuaged with just the right technique. And, ime, there's no way to insist (no matter how good a parent you are) that a 22 month old pay attention to an activity any longer than he is inclined. 22 months is still a baby. Now, if he's still a monstro at 5, I say cut ties with your friend and feel free to let her know it's because her son set fire to your house or whatever. :D For now, at least let her first baby adjust to the second and allow them to establish some routine in their lives as they deal with a new baby before you come down too hard as a friend. I might offer to babysit so your friend can get some rest since she is probably exhausted with the needs of a newborn and a demanding young toddler. I sure wouldn't feel comfortable changing my relationship with a woman I otherwise liked who's just having trouble adjusting to having two babies at once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherLynn Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I have five kids. After my first three, I considered myself a paragon of excellent parenting. My first three (and now my #5) were (and still are :D) practically perfect. They are compliant, well behaved, do what they're told, hard working, and the list goes on.... And then. My dear sweet #4 entered the world and shattered all of my self-proclaimed expertise. She's just a fire cracker and there's not a thing I can do to change her although I've tried. Lord knows I've tried.... (And now that she's four, she's finally become a smidge more reasonable and she does much much better than she used to, but we still have our moments.) Personality and biology impact behavior much more than we parents of easy going children realize. You may think your kids are well behaved because of you, but I'm here to tell you your sample size may just not be big enough. Some kids are just *more*. 22 month olds are notoriously disagreeable and often difficult. They don't respond to logic. They aren't necessarily simple creatures that can be assuaged with just the right technique. And, ime, there's no way to insist (no matter how good a parent you are) that a 22 month old pay attention to an activity any longer than he is inclined. 22 months is still a baby. Now, if he's still a monstro at 5, I say cut ties with your friend and feel free to let her know it's because her son set fire to your house or whatever. :D For now, at least let her first baby adjust to the second and allow them to establish some routine in their lives as they deal with a new baby before you come down too hard as a friend. I might offer to babysit so your friend can get some rest since she is probably exhausted with the needs of a newborn and a demanding young toddler. I sure wouldn't feel comfortable changing my relationship with a woman I otherwise liked who's just having trouble adjusting to having two babies at once. :iagree: Very good advice. I have a 3 year old that is a force to be reckoned with. None of my old tricks work for him. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Maybe you could offer to take him to your house for a playtime and give her a break. Sure sounds like she could use one from her little tyrant! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 One of my close friends has a DS 22m and is just home from hospi with a DD now 8w old. Her DS rules the house and she freely admits he tells her when to put the baby down, where she is to be put etc and a lot of the time she obliges him. He also has the 'attention span of a goldfish' in her words. She might set him up with crayons or playdoh and he lasts a minute max. I know that an amount of this behaviour is perfectly normal for toddlers but i can't help feeling that she needs to be stronger and encourage him to persevere or at least work on lengthening his attention span. He shouldn't be telling her when to put the baby down, he is 22m!! Maybe you're right and she is just venting/sharing and not really looking for advice. - He has been a demanding, incontrol kid since he came home from the hospital. She goes to his every murmer, she drops everything for him, she will make 5 dinners if he doesn't eat the first 4, she constantly entertains him and does what he wants. I find that really hard and he has them wrapped about his fingers and he knows it too. I think it is terrible that his little sister is going to miss out because he is a brat! I don't know. I have a 26mo and everything but the multiple dinners sounds normal to me... and I don't have an infant to tend to (just 3 older children)! Personally, I think all of my kids have benefited from my loose practice of "ignoring" them. Not that I didn't pay them any attention, I just never spent much time trying to "occupy" them. They figured out how to entertain themselves (and later, each other) pretty quickly. Yes, my toddler is pretty demanding. He often wants me to play with him RIGHT THIS MINUTE. When I can, I do. When I can't, he may get upset for a few minutes, but then he'll find something more interesting than pouting for Mommy. It was the same way when my dds were tiny. Older ds was in school, and I was home with my almost-Irish-twins. When my infant needed me more, I tended to her. When my toddler needed me more, I tended to her. And I was exhausted and frazzled and vented to anyone who would listen. But there was nothing wrong with the situation, and they seem to have survived it just fine. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skaterbabs Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and "Is This Your Child?" by Deloris Rapp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msjones Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 The longer I'm a mom, the less inclined I am to offer advice and the more inclined I am to seek it. ;) In situations like this, I've had success with pourin' on the love for the challenging little one. It doesn't always 'work,' but usually is better than just biting my tongue and feeling irked. I find that it makes everyone feel good, and helps me find things I like about the child. When I see kids like this I remember that my best friend's son was a remarkable pain in the hiney around 22 months, and is now one of the most enjoyable 11 year-olds I know. I think lots of kids just need time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Personality and biology impact behavior much more than we parents of easy going children realize. You may think your kids are well behaved because of you, but I'm here to tell you your sample size may just not be big enough. Some kids are just *more*.YES ITA! "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and "Is This Your Child?" by Deloris Rapp. I have the first one and it seems to just tell me to accept that my child is different. Where does it get helpful? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keptwoman Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I have five kids. After my first three, I considered myself a paragon of excellent parenting. My first three (and now my #5) were (and still are :D) practically perfect. They are compliant, well behaved, do what they're told, hard working, and the list goes on.... And then. My dear sweet #4 entered the world and shattered all of my self-proclaimed expertise. She's just a fire cracker and there's not a thing I can do to change her although I've tried. Lord knows I've tried.... (And now that she's four, she's finally become a smidge more reasonable and she does much much better than she used to, but we still have our moments.) :lol: I had the same happen, but it only took #2 to make me eat every smug parenting word I'd uttered.... and I'd uttered MANY! Having said that there is no way I'd be short order cook to a short person. But whatever works I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skaterbabs Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I have the first one and it seems to just tell me to accept that my child is different. Where does it get helpful? For me, simply acknowleding that some kids ARE harder, and the usual way of doing things wasn't going to work made a huge difference. That said, there is usuable advice there. Prevention is your #1 tool; realistic expectations is the #2 tool. You cannot expect adult behaviour from a child (though, Lord knows, as a culture we do try!) If you know that the grocery store on Friday afternoon is a problem for your child, you make an effort to go at another day/time or without the child entirely. If your child is cranky when they're hungry, and you know you're going to be stuck at the DMV during lunchtime, you pack a snack. Reasonable expectations dictate that you don't get angry with a two year old infant for climbing out of his crib, you simply accept the fact that the two year old does not have the capacity to understand why he should not be doing so nor the impulse control to NOT climb out of the crib when the idea occurs to him. You don't take a loud and active little boy to a theatre to see a play in which he will need to sit quietly. You don't take a child who is fearful of heights to the circus and expect them to not scream in terror when you sit in the nosebleed section. You DO respect your child and understand that his or her needs are different, and realize that God gave you this child for a reason. And you don't judge another family when their child is "out of control" because you never know when that normal-looking six-year-old having a full-blown tantrum in the bookstore is a large four-year-old with autism, or a very small developmentally delayed nine-year-old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in AUS Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 I don't even know where to start!! Perhaps i am just not good at explaining what goes on so lets just leave it there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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