I'm furious! WWYD?

[PineFarmMom]

My son has his first ever guitar recital tonight. On the spur of the moment, knowing fully about this for a month, my father dropped everything and drove to Dallas to pick up a stupid boat motor.

 

My dd had her piano recital a month ago, and he and mom came and he took all of us for ice cream and made a huge deal of it! He goes to stuff for my nieces and nephew an hour and a half away. This is my son's first activity in over a year, as he opted out of team sports this year. I'm so hurt and sad and angry!! My son was Baptized a couple of years ago, and my father laid on my couch rather than go...he claimed to have a headache. He went to other grandkids' Baptisms but not my son's. My mom seems to have to force him and she enables him like nobody's business, rather than just calling it what it is. He has emotional problems that scream at my brother, sister and I, but mom only talks about how strong he is and how she doesn't know any other men who work like he does. Please!!!! :glare: I wish there was an emoticon for rolling on the floor laughing while rolling my eyes at the same time and banging my head against a wall while crying from the hurt I feel. It's all so ridiculous.

 

My son told me in front of my mother today that dad wasn't coming. After he walked away, I informed her that they would no longer be invited to my children's activities, that way the favoritism wouldn't be so obvious. I let her know how I feel about it all, and that's just not done in my family, not to their faces anyway. It was done today, though! I can't decide if I feel glad I did it or guilty. I want to handle it Christ's way, but I'm so hurt I don't know how to do it right now. :*(

[lionfamily1999]

Wow.

 

That's low.

 

I'm sorry.

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

I'm so sorry for you and your son! Why is your Dad like this with him?

[Lori C- Texas]

I know exactly how you feel. My parents are the same way. I had to tell them last year that they can't see my dd12 unless they include our ds 7 and 6. They for some reason like granddaughters better. They do everything for my niece that is 2, also. My ds7 asked me once why Grandpa loved his sister more than him! We live 3 streets away from my parents. They never come over or call us. If we invite them over they have a reason not to come unless it is for dd12's bday or something. They will drive over an hour away to pick up my niece to spend the weekend with them but won't watch my kids for a couple of hours so Dh and I can go to dinner. They even took my niece on a 2 week vacation to Florida. They wanted to take dd12 with them but I had to say no.

 

I don't have any advice just :grouphug: to you. It is hard and hurtful. It sounds kind of mean but I always tell my dh that if anything I am learning how not to be a grandparent.

[WishboneDawn]

I think you handled it the best way you could. Better they don't come to any activity rather then keep hurting your kids with their favourtism.

[Wyndie]

One set of my grandparents hated me when I was little. They called me "the enemy" and were very obvious in their preference for my sister over me. (FTR, it was b/c my sister looks cuban - as is our heritage, and I look like VERY white - as my mother is; it was just racial crap based on my looks). After a few years of this my dad told them they would no longer be welcome around either of us girls if it continued. That got their attention as they didn't appear to have even realized they were doing it (huh??). It stopped and they started treating me nicely and while we are by no means on super- friendly grandparent/child terms, we can visit together without problems.

 

All that to say that hopefully what you said to your mom tonight will bring about a change of attitude with your dad. I'm so sorry that happened; even to this day my parents get angry when talking about how they treated me so I can imagine how painful this is for you.

:grouphug:

[battlemaiden]

Texas T,

 

This is a tough one, but I'm someone who doesn't, and has never had the opportunity to live near my parents or in-laws. They don't come to any of those little things. And honestly, a recital is a little thing in the big scheme. The baptism thing...well, that is kind of big. I'm not sure I would *expect* grandparents to attend a musical thing. It might be nice if they did, but it shouldn't be expected.

 

Do they have issues with homeschooling?

 

I would take this as an opportunity to circle the wagons as a family and concentrate on that. Family that discourages your children don't need to be involved. I hope you can shed the hurt soon and can focus on building up your son. I'm so sorry if he is hurt.

 

Jo

[katilac]

And honestly, a recital is a little thing in the big scheme. The baptism thing...well, that is kind of big. I'm not sure I would *expect* grandparents to attend a musical thing. It might be nice if they did, but it shouldn't be expected.

 

Jo

 

I don't think the issue is whether or not they should go to recitals in general, but that they go to them for some grandkids and not others.

 

And yes, I agree with the 'everyone or no one' policy. Either you make a decent effort to attend activities for everyone, or you will be invited to none of them. That's fair, imo, a great deal more fair than children having their feelings hurt repeatedly for no reason.

[Tree House Academy]

My dad gave me a lifetime of hurt in my early years by missing everything...including my highschool graduation (mom and dad are divorced). When I had my oldest ds, my dad became all involved. The day before ds's 1st birthday, I called my dad and told him to be sure and bring X thing for the party...to which he responded, "I am tired...I worked this weekend...I think we are going to skip it." He said it like it was NOTHING. The NIGHT before! I said not nice things to him and told him that, while he managed to stomp on my childhood, he would NOT do that to my kids!!! And I meant it. Since then, he has seen my oldest son 5 times, my youngest 3 times. ETA: Oldest son is now almost TEN if that says anything...

[Heather in the Kootenays]

:grouphug::grouphug: to you and your son.

 

We have similar issues in our house - luckily masked by distance but still hurtful.

[Tap]

We saw the same treatment for dd10 when she was little. Ds14 was always happy kid and super easy to take care of. DD10 was a challenge, requiring extra attention, and effort. I too, had to call the parents on it, but I did it more in an underhanded way.

 

 

When a grand parent would call and say "We are coming on Sunday to see Ds14" I would purposefully say "oh, great dd10 will be so happy to see you, ds14 may already have plans that day but the rest of us will be here. Should we make plans for dinner? I know dd10 would love to make a dessert for you. ". I knew ds14 didn't have plans and would be there but it was a way to switch the attention to dd10 instead.

[wildflower]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

what else can i say. that stinks. sorry for your son and you.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

Sorry it hurts.

[PineFarmMom]

Texas T,

 

This is a tough one, but I'm someone who doesn't, and has never had the opportunity to live near my parents or in-laws. They don't come to any of those little things. And honestly, a recital is a little thing in the big scheme. The baptism thing...well, that is kind of big. I'm not sure I would *expect* grandparents to attend a musical thing. It might be nice if they did, but it shouldn't be expected.

 

 

 

I'd be fine with them not coming if they did it across the board for all the grandchildren. My ds has had nothing specifically for himself in over a year, while the others are involved in many activities...this was one time he could have chosen my ds over himself. If he skipped everything any child did, I'd probably think him selfish but accept it. This was so obvious. :(

 

Mom & I talked. She said she had no idea and she didn't realize ds might be being slighted. I told her he had thought we would all go out for ice cream together like we did for my dd. I think that really made her see...but ultimately it's my dad's thing. My dad is not really ever particularly friendly with ds. He can be sometimes, but there's also a lot of annoyance that ds doesn't talk loudly and doesn't talk much at all, which is made worse by the pressure he feels around my father. My dd is very personable and makes it easy for him to communicate with her so he is all sweety sweet with her. He just isn't one of those who meets a kid where they are...that'd be fine to a degree, but he just seems so obvious about it all sometimes.

 

Time has passed. I'm less angry. I now feel guilty for even speaking to my mom, but I don't know how else they'd see what's happening here??

[battlemaiden]

I'd be fine with them not coming if they did it across the board for all the grandchildren. My ds has had nothing specifically for himself in over a year, while the others are involved in many activities...this was one time he could have chosen my ds over himself. If he skipped everything any child did, I'd probably think him selfish but accept it. This was so obvious. :(

 

Mom & I talked. She said she had no idea and she didn't realize ds might be being slighted. I told her he had thought we would all go out for ice cream together like we did for my dd. I think that really made her see...but ultimately it's my dad's thing. My dad is not really ever particularly friendly with ds. He can be sometimes, but there's also a lot of annoyance that ds doesn't talk loudly and doesn't talk much at all, which is made worse by the pressure he feels around my father. My dd is very personable and makes it easy for him to communicate with her so he is all sweety sweet with her. He just isn't one of those who meets a kid where they are...that'd be fine to a degree, but he just seems so obvious about it all sometimes.

 

Time has passed. I'm less angry. I now feel guilty for even speaking to my mom, but I don't know how else they'd see what's happening here??

 

I see. I think you did the right thing to talk to your mom. I can see where their different personalities might play into the situation. You should tell your son that. We tell my kids all the time that their grandfather (my dad) is from a generation that isn't as expressive as our generation. Some of my kids are the type to jump up into his lap and win him over without any regard to his reserve. I have other children who feel more insecure around him because he doesn't talk freely and seems scowly. He just does that when he's thoughtful...which is 90% of the time. :D

 

I'm glad you're less angry. I have thought about your situation throughout the afternoon. It would definitely bother me. I would be doing everything in my power to compensate for the slight. And it would absolutely involve ice cream!!!

[katemary63]

When my cousin's husband died, I felt like my mom should go to the funeral. It was her only sibling's only child's spouse. But she had no money and it was beyond driving distance so I paid for her ticket and we both went. It was my idea and I was just trying to be nice. She thanked me and said she would pay me back with her tax return.

 

In the airport on the way home, she did some shopping while I sat at a table. When she got back to me, she took out all her purchases with a big smile on her face and showed me the cute things she got! There were three of them. I said, 'Who are these for?" And she said, "My grandchildren!" You should have seen her grin with happiness. ........

 

I said, "I thought you had six grandchildren?" A look of total confusion came over her. Then she quietly put the things away and changed the subject. I kid you not, she had bought my sister's three kids gifts and NOT mine and then come and showed them to me! That is how bad the favortism was in my family. She didn't even realize what she was doing until I pointed it out to her! She never paid me back either! :confused:

 

Just to say, you're not alone!

[PineFarmMom]

Thank you all!! I feel better today. I prayed a lot last night about it and can move on.

 

My ds is so sweet. He fully saw that I was upset and asked me about it. He told me he knew I was sad because my dad wasn't coming. I told him I was sad because I didn't want him to be hurt. He told me he was okay but would be sad if my mom and cousins wouldn't have come, but they did, so it made him happy. 3 of his cousins are in town for a few days. He proceeded to tell me that my dad is a very busy man and has man things he needs to do and that is why he missed it. In my mind I'm thinking what a CROCK!! I told him I was sure that was it, that it must have been something so urgent for him to have missed ds' recital. At least if ds doesn't see the slight fully then it's better.

 

Ds is this amazing kid. He is very, very quiet. He is shy almost to a fault. But his heart is golden. He works so hard to memorize scripture and do a Bible study daily. He is always giving. He works on his guitar so much and his teacher is so proud of him. My dad just doesn't see it all. My son doesn't act in the way he wants him to, because he doesn't like to talk, so he doesn't like him. GRRR!!!

[Julie in CA]

My son doesn't act in the way he wants him to, because he doesn't like to talk, so he doesn't like him. GRRR!!!

Your dad's behavior is reprehensible.

At the same time, I can understand his feelings a teeny-tiny bit. It's really awkward to try and interact with someone who won't speak with you, and it's possible he doesn't feel like he's that important to your son either. Is there any way that you could work on that particular social skill, first of all because it might be good for your ds, and secondly, because it would be more possible to cultivate a relationship between grandpa/grandson? Your son sounds completely wonderful, and I'm not talking about forcing a huge personality change, just a careful teaching of a social skill that will be of benefit to him long-term. Whether or not it affects the relationship between the two of them is almost beside the point, being able to converse with people and be interested in them is just a good skill to have. :001_smile:

 

I'm so *so* sorry that the situation is as it is, though. That STINKS!!

[Melinda in VT]

Your dad's behavior is reprehensible.

At the same time, I can understand his feelings a teeny-tiny bit. It's really awkward to try and interact with someone who won't speak with you, and it's possible he doesn't feel like he's that important to your son either. Is there any way that you could work on that particular social skill, first of all because it might be good for your ds, and secondly, because it would be more possible to cultivate a relationship between grandpa/grandson? Your son sounds completely wonderful, and I'm not talking about forcing a huge personality change, just a careful teaching of a social skill that will be of benefit to him long-term. Whether or not it affects the relationship between the two of them is almost beside the point, being able to converse with people and be interested in them is just a good skill to have. :001_smile:

 

I'm so *so* sorry that the situation is as it is, though. That STINKS!!

 

I think Julie has some good advice here. I also wonder if it would be possible to have an activity that your dad and your son could work on together when they do see each other. Puzzle? Model plane? Something that would keep their hands busy and give them something to do so the silence wouldn't be as uncomfortable? Maybe if they both loosen up, the talk will come.

[jujsky]

I think you did the right thing by having it out with your mom. Even though the favoritism seems obvious to you, maybe they just don't see it. Hopefully this will be a wake-up call. Kudos to you for sticking up for your DS!

[Dirtroad]

My inlaws have never attended a game, recital or other special event. They even miss 1/2 the birthdays. I used to get angry, but now I just accept it. My father is the same. He & is wife do not come to anything... but do make the neice/nephew softball/baseball tournaments.

 

But, I also don't send them information/invitations anymore. If they aren't going to attend or are sporatic, I am not going to bother.

 

Sadly, they haven't missed the invites. Some people only do things for others when it is convenient... or they do not do it at all b/c they are self-absorbed.

[jonesloonybin]

We had to do the same thing. My IL's would always miss my oldest dd's birthday (she is from a previous marriage but was only 4 when dh and I got married). They would say "Oh, sorry, we ALWAYS go to the coast that week". But they ended up rearranging their "trips" for our 2nd dd. I mean really, their birthdays are the SAME TIME EVERY YEAR!! And they would make comments like.."We are so glad we FINALLY have a granddaughter!" (dd 1 was 8 when we had dd2) Finally we told them that if they did not come to dd1's bday then they were not invited to dd2's bday. And if they started showing favoritism, then they would not get to see either child. They were better after that.

 

But what really upset me is their reasoning. "But she is not really our granddaughter by blood" Dh's oldest brother has a different father. MIL was pregnant when she married FIL. But if you ask FIL, then the oldest brother IS HIS. Do they NOT SEE THE IRONY???

[Kathy in MD]

..... My dad is not really ever particularly friendly with ds. He can be sometimes, but there's also a lot of annoyance that ds doesn't talk loudly and doesn't talk much at all, which is made worse by the pressure he feels around my father. .....

 

My sil, a special ed teacher, told me that the most isolating disability was to be deaf. Though your df is't deaf, it sounds like he may have lost a lot of hearing and may be in denial about it.

 

My grandfather used to sit like a lump on a log when we came to visit, because he couldn't follow the conversation, even with hearing aids. To talk to him, we had to face him and literally yell. The only times I remember him fully engaged with others was when playing fast-paced card games when he could follow the action visually. Another case. My dh has always gotten upset with me because I don't always face him when talking to him so he can hear me. Dh is (after 23 years of marriage) finally admitting that he doesn't hear certain pitches. Losing hearing is often a gradual thing and often the individual is also often in denial, blaming others for not speaking louder or clearer or....

 

In your df's case, your dd may face him more so he can read her lips, as well as speak louder so he can converse with her. Your ds speaks softer, per your df, possibly mumbling, looking down and maybe not making it easy to read lips. That may be part of the obvious preference for your dd. Also how many of the grandchildren's activities that he *willingly* attended were purely auditory in nature? That also may be why he planned another activity the day of your ds's recital.

 

It sounds to me as if your ds could use some tips, hints and training on how to speak to an individual with partial hearing loss. It probably won't solve all the problems, but it could lead to a gradually better relationship.

[Tap]

My sil, a special ed teacher, told me that the most isolating disability was to be deaf. Though your df is't deaf, it sounds like he may have lost a lot of hearing and may be in denial about it.

 

My grandfather used to sit like a lump on a log when we came to visit, because he couldn't follow the conversation, even with hearing aids. To talk to him, we had to face him and literally yell. The only times I remember him fully engaged with others was when playing fast-paced card games when he could follow the action visually. Another case. My dh has always gotten upset with me because I don't always face him when talking to him so he can hear me. Dh is (after 23 years of marriage) finally admitting that he doesn't hear certain pitches. Losing hearing is often a gradual thing and often the individual is also often in denial, blaming others for not speaking louder or clearer or....

 

In your df's case, your dd may face him more so he can read her lips, as well as speak louder so he can converse with her. Your ds speaks softer, per your df, possibly mumbling, looking down and maybe not making it easy to read lips. That may be part of the obvious preference for your dd. Also how many of the grandchildren's activities that he *willingly* attended were purely auditory in nature? That also may be why he planned another activity the day of your ds's recital.

 

It sounds to me as if your ds could use some tips, hints and training on how to speak to an individual with partial hearing loss. It probably won't solve all the problems, but it could lead to a gradually better relationship.

 

This is good advice! My father was in construction and started loosing his hearing in his 50's-when I was 3 yo. He could hear most pitches just fine, but not all. My mother's voice was one he could barely hear. My voice was fine, and he hear me well enough to understand me. My mother would get really mad at him, because she could see him and I talking, but he couldn't hear her as well. He knew he could hear me, so he figured my mother was mumbling or talking low on purpose. It led to some marital problems before he got his hearing tested and it all came to light.

 

The one good thing about this is that I tend to articulate my words clearer than most people (per several speech therapists) and I think that growing up with my father is why. When he passed away at 75, he was almost deaf in one ear. If anyone talked to him and he couldn't understand, he would just nod 'yes'. This led to some hurt feelings about him seeming to agree with something one day, and then deny hearing about it then next.