Dealing with Teen Hibernation

[Michelle in AL]

This must be bash the teens day! For those that have teens that are in that hibernation/non-social with family stage~don't come out of their room or other area to socialize much, what do you do?

 

Let them hibernate as much as they want as long as they get their school/chores done. Computers, cell phones permitted.

 

Allow hibernation, but no computer or cell phones in room.

 

Limit time spent alone?

 

I know this is a phase, and I hope it will end, but in light of today's threads I'm not sure.

 

What do you allow?

[TravelingChris]

I have a 20 yo who hardly comes out of his room. He did well in college last semester and does help when asked. He is applying for jobs. I tend not to bother him since he is over 18 and is doing the main thing we asked- do well in college. My nearly 16 yo does her schoolwork almost all alone in her room or in the family room where we have a DVD. She doesn't like distractions. SHe comes out whenever I ask and she is always coming by and giving me a hug at different times. She does all her schoolwork and I have no complaints. She also does plenty of housework and yardwork. She is my hardest working kid and if she wants no distractions, I don't mind. She doesn't like facebook or myspace though she has rather inactive accounts. She goes out on a daily basis to dive practice and doesn't consider herself hibernating.

[Faithr]

My 18 yo is just coming out of this phase! I really think it is a phase they go through because they need to grow up and separate a bit from the family. They are so hormonal, day dreamy, caught up in their own world's, etc. I didn't deal with it all that well at first. But it did help to have non-confrontational talks (that was tricky!) about it because I tended to take it personally and feel like she didn't want to be with us (which she didn't! But because of what she was going through, not because of us!) and then I'd get all hurt and resentful. So my advice is talk about how you understand the need to hibernate but there has to be moderation. Figure out what will work for your household and what won't so you have nice clear lines drawn so everybody knows where they stand. I had to take away the cell phone and laptop for a while because she was staying up too late with them. I'd give them back and she'd be responsible but then she'd gradually start back with her old tricks and I'd have to start taking them away again. That happened about three times over the course of the last couple years. The funny thing is now she's 18 and officially graduated she is really coming out of it. She's gotten much more involved with the family again and much more responsible about getting up and contributing etc. So they do come out of it! But it is a hard row to hoe while you are in the middle of it! And I've got two other teens that are in various stages of this as well!

[Michelle in AL]

Oh my gosh, I had no idea this would last until 18 :crying:

I've heard 16 from some friends. She is active outside the house, and is very sweet with her friends, just not us so much.

 

Thanks for admitting I'm not the only one going through this. I was prepared for lots of moms lining up and saying, no our kids have no electronics, have great attitudes and love to spend time with us.

[KidsHappen]

Wow! I can barely get a moment away from my teens. Of course, they are quite interesting so it's not really a burden but it's really hard to read a book around here. They are starting to reach a stage where they are getting out and about more: they are putt-putt golfing today, last week bowling and a movie and they work so they are starting to slip away. The 17 year old will be moving away in the fall. I cherish the time I do get and will pretty much drop whatever I am doing if I can when they are feeling social.

[LibraryLover]

Wow! I can barely get a moment away from my teens. Of course, they are quite interesting so it's not really a burden but it's really hard to read a book around here. They are starting to reach a stage where they are getting out and about more: they are putt-putt golfing today, last week bowling and a movie and they work so they are starting to slip away. The 17 year old will be moving away in the fall. I cherish the time I do get and will pretty much drop whatever I am doing if I can when they are feeling social.

 

This is the post to which I can most relate. My 20 and 9 yr olds went to the market together and bought groceries (from a list). The 16 yr old was cutting and pasting to help her 15 yr old brother (who goes to school) finish a poster for a math class.

 

This evening, my 20 yr old (rising college Jr) read bits and pieces from the Economist to me for over an hour, wanting my thoughts and offering his commentary fo, and I am exhausted. lol Thankfully his GF came by and they went out for ice cream together.

 

Both the 15 and 20 yr old spent a couple of hours in the living room playing the piano off and on. They both mowed the lawn in the early eveing. One with the poush mower, the older on the riding mower.

 

OK, the 15 and 16 yr olds did spend about an hour playing Guitar Hero this afternoon when he came home from school.

 

Firday, the 20 yr old took them all to the library when he got home from work.

Edited June 9, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Renee in NC]

I require mine to be social when I want him to be social - no hibernating allowed. However, I don't try to control his time too much, so when I ask him to join us he does and generally without any attitude.

[Faithr]

I didn't mean to give the impression that my 18 never ever interacted with us. But she would go through days/phases where she liked being alone. She was very involved in homeschool activities and in church stuff. And she has been the major errand runner for me since she learned to drive. But there were times when I had to talk to her about not shutting herself off from the family. She is a very good girl. She has lots of friends outside the family. But she is still close to her next youngest brother. He's going to miss her when she goes away. I think his social life is going to suffer in ways he doesn't anticipate. She is very independent and has been for a long time. She also dates and has a job, etc. She's 18 going on thirty, basically in many ways, though of course not in all. She's still got growing up to do as well.

 

However, I do think when someone is worrying about teen hibernation, which we did experience here, it is hardly helpful to chirp in and talk about how wonderful and rosy your life is without this problem!!! I mean if someone asks about bedwetting problems do you pipe up and talk about how your kids never wet the bed after the age of two???? Is that helpful or does it make the OP feel about two inches high? Well, I can't speak for the OP, but I do feel the pain I experienced dealing with this issue and believe me I wish I could brag about how this was a nonissue in our home!

 

Teens do get moody and they can be difficult to deal with. They do often have increased needs for being alone. Maybe not every family experiences that, but we certainly did/do so I can definitely relate. It was hard to know what to do. I'm glad my dd really seems to be coming out of it. I think part of the reason is that she is going away in the fall and I think she's missing us already!

 

I think this post sounds preachy. Maybe I shouldn't click post . . . . Well, I will anyway. Please forgive me if I've been offensive.

[elise1mds]

I was a hibernating teen... my parents NEVER saw me when I was home. Outwardly, I had a great life - band, straight A's, two jobs, a good circle of friends - but I hated that my parents never ever tried to even ONCE bring me out of my little cocoon. The only time my mom insisted that I surface was when she dragged me to a church I despised (and don't go off at me on that one, please... it was not meant as a bash at all churches in any way, shape, or form). I am still somewhat resentful about the fact that my parents didn't "work" on me but now understand that it was because they didn't want anything to do with each other and that working on me would have required a joint effort (yes, they have since divorced). Doing family activites, despite my probable grumbling, probably would have done me a lot of good and made me a lot less cynical. Just IMO.

[Renee in NC]

Faithr - I apologize. I had the same exact thought after I hit post so I immediately went back and edited out what I said. I am sorry - I have been pretty upset today because I am leaving him behind when we move in 3 weeks and it is killing me. I've been thinking what a great kid he is and that I hope he stays that way and how much I am going to miss him.

 

I am sorry I brought it into this thread - I am sorry you saw it before I deleted it.

 

ETA: sheesh...maybe you weren't even talking to me - I can't tell who is talking to whom in this format!

Edited June 9, 2009 by Renee in FL

[Mandy in TN]

We refer to my 18yo ds's room as his man cave. He is a love bug when he comes out and he always comes out if he smells food.:D However, in general he is a loner and always has been. It doesn't bother me and yes I allow phone and internet access.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[KidsHappen]

I didn't mean to give the impression that my 18 never ever interacted with us. But she would go through days/phases where she liked being alone. She was very involved in homeschool activities and in church stuff. And she has been the major errand runner for me since she learned to drive. But there were times when I had to talk to her about not shutting herself off from the family. She is a very good girl. She has lots of friends outside the family. But she is still close to her next youngest brother. He's going to miss her when she goes away. I think his social life is going to suffer in ways he doesn't anticipate. She is very independent and has been for a long time. She also dates and has a job, etc. She's 18 going on thirty, basically in many ways, though of course not in all. She's still got growing up to do as well.

 

However, I do think when someone is worrying about teen hibernation, which we did experience here, it is hardly helpful to chirp in and talk about how wonderful and rosy your life is without this problem!!! I mean if someone asks about bedwetting problems do you pipe up and talk about how your kids never wet the bed after the age of two???? Is that helpful or does it make the OP feel about two inches high? Well, I can't speak for the OP, but I do feel the pain I experienced dealing with this issue and believe me I wish I could brag about how this was a nonissue in our home!

 

Teens do get moody and they can be difficult to deal with. They do often have increased needs for being alone. Maybe not every family experiences that, but we certainly did/do so I can definitely relate. It was hard to know what to do. I'm glad my dd really seems to be coming out of it. I think part of the reason is that she is going away in the fall and I think she's missing us already!

 

I think this post sounds preachy. Maybe I shouldn't click post . . . . Well, I will anyway. Please forgive me if I've been offensive.

 

I didn't understand this to be a deep personal problem but more a concern in relation to all the "bash the kids" threads that we have had of late. I believe that the OP mentioned something to that effect in her post. I wanted to let people know that they are not all terrible, that teens are certainly capable of human interaction. Perhaps I misread the intention of the OP and if so I am sorry. Lords knows my kids are not perfect and things are not rosy all the time. I have done my fair share of suffering in relation to my teens. I may not have had to deal with this particular problem but everyone has their crosses to bear. While I certainly wanted people to commiserate with my problems and tell me no I wasn't the only one, I also want to hear the good stories, the happy endings, the hope that things can be ok. This is what I was trying to provide and I hope that it can be received as such.

[Peela]

Phone is allowed in bedroom, but not computer. That keeps her in the main living area a fair amount of the day. If I felt the phone was keeping her in her bedroom, I wouldn't allow that either. I guess I keep engaging them. Tonight I had dd15 make us dinner while I had a spa with dh.

I am a very private person and spend a coupe of hours in the afternoon in my bedroom, myself, so I dont have a problem with my kids enjoying their space. But if I felt it was interfering with family relations I would probably insist on some things. Sometimes we insist dd come for a walk with us - she hates it, really badly, but is usually fine once she is out there.

[Rhonda in TX]

A friend of mine was having a terrible time with her teen DD hibernating. This girl had a phone, computer, video games, and a TV with DVD player in her room. Other than food, what reason did she have to come out??

 

My DD has her art supplies and books in her room, which may be enough to keep her there. (I spent many hours reading in my room as a teen.) However, I hope that the computer and TV being in the main living area will pull them out of their room at times. Watching my friend's experience is one reason we will not allow those items in their room.

 

(Oh, friend's DD will be 15 this summer and seems to be coming out of the hibernation stage a bit. It went on for a couple of years. So, it would appear that this ends at different times for different kids.)

[Chris in VA]

I think there's a difference between "hibernating" and isolating.

Hibernating seems like a natural tendency that some kids experience when they are teens--they are still active and involved and social more than not, and don't show signs of true depression. Isolating is avoiding social interaction with the family (but maybe not with peers) in order to avoid dealing with them. It's more of a resentful, silently angry kind of attitude--avoids the conflict the teen feels is inevitable.

Only you and your teen can tell the difference. Parents isolate, too--often working a bunch, or spending tons of time on the computer or tv or reading. It's just easier in some ways than spending time putting the effort into a relationship that might be characterized by quick mood shifts, low energy/high energy shifts, extremes of judgement--teen stuff that happens because of hormones and the developmental separation into adulthood.

We have to be particularly careful in our household, because, in our case, we are rebuilding relationships damaged by substance abuse. Isolating is something we intentionally watch for and correct, but our situation is special, and not all hibernation is really isolating.

[Nestof3]

Honestly, when Aaron stayed in his room, it was usually because he wasn't getting any attention out in the family area. It is really easy to ignore the children who are doing what they are supposed to be doing and/or the ones who don't "need" you anymore.

 

Aaron never got to a stage where he did not enjoy being around us. He will play his penny whistle while John plays the guitar, or now he's learning to play the guitar, so John will help him. He is always asking his dad to play a game like Risk or Axis and Allies. He's always wanting to talk to us about things as well. Sometimes he'll ask if I want to go to the coffee sho or bookstore with him.

 

Based on my experience with him, he enjoys our company as much as ever and still wants a lot of attention. From his mouth, he has admitted to feeling overlooked and unappreciated.

 

When he was younger, we limited the amount of screen time he had; now he limits himself. Sometimes he just wants to listen to talk radio in his room or something or watch a movie in his room. I say teens do need screentime limits to keep them interacting with the real world.

 

BTW -- I do realize different personalities exist. Aaron and Ben are my boys who love interaction, though Aaron's has waned a little with age. Nathan has always been a person who thrives on a lot of alone time, like me. So, what I am saying is, I don't think it is necessarily a "teen" thing but also a personality thing. Personally, if this preferring to spend most of his time alone began when he was a teen, I would look at what he's spending his time on and how his family relations are.

Edited June 9, 2009 by nestof3

[Laurie4b]

Ours don't have their own rooms. Maybe that helps cause we've had no hibernating phase.

I also sometimes "chat" with ds on Facebook from another room, LOL!

[Jeannie in NJ]

my dc are 11 and 14. We don't allow computers or tv in their rooms. Their rooms are rather small so they don't spend much time there except to sleep. However, off of my bedroom is a year round sunroom that our cats hang out in and there is a large table so my 14 year old will often hang out there as well and sometimes will also do her schoolwork there. When dd's friends (so far only girls) come over they will also hang out there or in the family room with the tv and Wii.

[Michelle in AL]

Thanks all, it has been helpful to read your replies.

This began for us when my dd started high school and online classes. She needed to go in our den (a 4th bedroom) to have quiet to get her classes done. Hence the computer went with her in there. She had a LOT of work this yr, usually 8- hr days and many hrs studying on the weekends. She thrived on the challenge, but now school is over and she's till in the den. And she's irritable. But she's always been irritable (she got kicked out of the nursery when she was born :001_huh:) and introverted, so I suspect she's recovering from a hard yr. Since she is naturally introverted and slightly prickly, I was concerned if I let her have too much time alone, she may become more unsocial. I realize that introverts need alone time too.

 

That said, she is still social. She is a very good and sweet friend. She plays guitar in 2 youth bands which takes her out 3x week and babysits 3 days/week. She enjoys us coming in there to watch TV with her and will go out with us anytime we ask. I guess I just need to try to engage her more often.

 

Like Elise, I remember as a teen feeling disengaged from my mom and really resenting that she wouldn't reach out to me. So, I guess I'll reach more.

 

Thanks again!

Michelle

[Renee in NC]

Ours don't have their own rooms. Maybe that helps cause we've had no hibernating phase.

I also sometimes "chat" with ds on Facebook from another room, LOL!

 

We do this too!:lol:

[Dirtroad]

Limit the time. The can read sitting on the family couch, for example. This is (to me) very unhealthy. It is closing off from everyone, not being interested in the family or others, and can be brooding (or up to no good - worse case).

 

Require them to help with dinner, chat with siblings or you, scatter in a few simple chores or tasks to break up the time, bring out a board game.... go for a walk around the neighborhood, etc. Think of simple things but require INVOLVEMENT! The isolation does harm relationships. You have to "be together" to know each other well & develop strong bonds... or to keep them strong.

 

In extreme cases, we used to advise parents to remove the door (ex. child smoking in the bedroom or looking a porn). They can get dressed in the bathroom for privacy. But this in extreme cases.

 

As for computers, it is never good to have a computer out of view of family traffic. If the computer is in the bedroom, bring it out into a family room or dining room, etc.

 

I agree with Peela. And thinking of Rhonda's post reminded me of this.... don't let them eat in their room (nasty & gives them one more reason to never come out)!

Edited June 9, 2009 by Dirtroad

[Dirtroad]

Ours don't have their own rooms. Maybe that helps cause we've had no hibernating phase.

 

DH thinks this is the greatest medicine for learning to live with others, suffer inconveniences, and learn to cooperate.

 

It doesn't allow hybernation either! Good one!

[Dirtroad]

Irritablilty can be relieved by exercise & time out of doors (even if just walks). My SIL lived through this as a teen. She constantly drank sodas & flopped around the house (watch tv back then). She was irritable, tired, and hard to be around. She even struggled with it in college.

 

When she moved to Brooklyn & worked in Manhattan... she had to WALK everywhere. She felt better & looked better. She said the walking & daily exercise forced her out of the "slumpy feeling".

[Kathy in MD]

I was letting ds, 15, hybernate also. But then he started talking about how he wasn't a member of this family. He's adopted and of a different ethnic group and his friends were giving him a hard time about it.

 

So I insisted that he go on walks with us. I gave him warning, so he could plan for it. I've started doing some of my chores at the same time he does his so he doesn't feel like a maid. (It didn't matter that I'd made supper or other house work while he was out playing) I'm also insisting that he not always wear his earphones, even if he can hear us and have a coversation with them on. His attitude started to change very quickly, though he's still having problems about his bio parents.

[Guest VAmama]

My husband and I have two dds 15 and 12. Both of them are entering into

the hibernation stage of being a teenager. They each have a cell phone

and lap top.. We have decided that if hibernating away from us into

either their rooms or the loft or wherever is what they want then they

can do it. Because it is their choice.

 

I think them going off into another room is their way of getting away from the world, get space from the family and talk to friends, all important for a teen. They need to be alone some, if they are around you constantly they will not know what to do in college with out you, separating from the family some is expected in the teen years. My husband and I are sometimes hurt by this, thinking they dont like us or dont want to be around us, but it is just a natural way of preparing to be an adult. I have noticed that when we make

them stay where we want in the house then they are not happy and we

tend to fight more, but when we leave them alone they remain happy and

the amount of arguing goes down.

 

It is important to remember that if your child is happy and it doesnt harm them selves or anyone around them you should try to let them make their own decisions. Teenagers now a days need freedom to make it in the real world, trusting them with it now while you can help them through the mistakes will be helpful in the future, when they cant fall back on their family as much. I think that teenagers are capable of making their own decisions, and if your child is happy being by themself, that should be allowed.

 

I know what you are going through, and I understand that you are feeling hurt by the behavior of your teen. Just remember that everyone goes through this at some point in their life. I hope that this has helped some.

Miranda

Edited June 11, 2009 by VAmama

[Loupelou]

My ds 15 and ds 13 like to do their school work in their rooms, I am okay with that as long as they do it! Our older ds 15 has been spending more time in her room, mostly reading. We've been asking her to let us know when she is going to do that for awhile, and we make sure she has completed any school work and chores before "hibernating". We have our computer in a full traffic area and they don't have cell phones to text with or talk on. I don't have a problem with some alone time as long as the idea isn't just to get away from everyone and fritter her time away. If negative feelings are involved maybe you need to approach it with a heart to heart discussion.

[Michelle in AL]

Thanks all, I am making an effort to draw her out more and I have seen positive effects!

I'm also letting her alone a good bit since she is introverted and may need that time. I'm just letting her know she's loved and make myself available. 9 times out of 10 she'll do things together.

I hear you Loupelou about the school work. She does keep up with that pretty well. We have a checklist system for each day. I've also turned over the responsibility of making sure she's keeping on schedule to dh.