Sleepovers?

[Dianne-TX]

For those of you that do not have or allow your dc to go to sleepovers, how did you explain it to them? We just got our first invite and we declined, but I think we need to explain. DS is 8.5. I know what to say, but I would like to word it in a way that helps him understand. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Dobela]

We just told our son that we must know the family very well before that happens. Since we had never even met any of the parents there was no way he would be allowed because it is our job to protect him. We can't protect him in a situation like that.

 

Then we started letting him start staying with his cousins more so he could have sleepover experiences that we trusted.

[amsunshine]

Our dds already know that sleepovers are not even an option to discuss until they are at least 10 years old. As a suggestion, have you and/or your dh read "Protecting the Gift"?

 

The way we explain it is basically what is ok for some families might not be ok for ours, and just because some people do certain things doesn't make it ok for us to do it. We also explain we need to know the family very well before we allow a sleepover, and generally family members will qualify at this time.

[Ibbygirl]

We just told our son that we must know the family very well before that happens. Since we had never even met any of the parents there was no way he would be allowed because it is our job to protect him. We can't protect him in a situation like that.

 

Then we started letting him start staying with his cousins more so he could have sleepover experiences that we trusted.

 

:iagree::iagree: We did the same thing. My dd has only had 2 sleepovers and both times we knew the family well. She's had other invites that we've declined because we don't know the parents of the children. I just told her that we would have to know them a lot better before we would allow her to spend the night at their house.

[Dianne-TX]

Our dds already know that sleepovers are not even an option to discuss until they are at least 10 years old. As a suggestion, have you and/or your dh read "Protecting the Gift"?

 

The way we explain it is basically what is ok for some families might not be ok for ours, and just because some people do certain things doesn't make it ok for us to do it. We also explain we need to know the family very well before we allow a sleepover, and generally family members will qualify at this time.

 

Yes, I have read that book. Great book that gives parents a reality check. I've also heard one too many stories from adults who had things happen to them at sleepovers, even of people they knew well. You just don't know what some people's demons are that they deal with. I've also heard of many stories where boys were introduced to pornography at sleepovers and those images stick with them forever. I'm just reluctant to do it ever except with grandparents and even that is limited because they just aren't used to having kids around all the time and being sensitive to the shows they might watch, etc. They are good to listen when we mention the t.v., but then something else comes up that we have to address. We don't have cousins that would be an option either. We're just making our home a fun place for them. Hopefully, they will see it that way too.

[Paintedlady]

I really struglle with sleepovers but have allowed them on a rare occasion with families we know well and trust. Luckily my dd doesn't like sleepovers if mom or dad aren't there as well so it's not as much of a problem as it used to be. My ds however, loves sleepovers and we're still trying to navigate those waters with him. We're just doing our best to explain it to him but it's not always easy with an 8 yr. old.

[Hedgehogs4]

my son has slept over at friends' houses that i trust, and i have (as a result of one birthday party in particular) revised that policy. he is now only allowed to sleep over at his best friend's house (a family whom we completely trust and vice-versa). the time he went to the sleepover party, the dad stayed down in the basement with the boys, fell asleep and the boy stayed up until past 1:00 a.m.--7 year old boys! he was an absolute imbecile the next day, so i said never again, until he's 12 or older...and then you have the whole porn / weird teenage stuff, so even then i don't know.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

We don't do sleep overs, and my girls are 9 1/2 and 11 1/2. They get invited about two or three times a year to various friends and we always say no. I guess if I had family close by I would do that, but since I don't, we just have a standard rule of no sleep overs and my girls are perfectly fine with it.

[SonshineLearner]

And while things could be scary, how sad, because as a child, I LOVED sleepovers. My older (step) daughters have had many sleepovers, but my 10 year old...well...we just have homeschooled....very conservative friends for her....Even getting a playdate...is "taking away from family time" and so even they are hard...

Carrie

[Snickerdoodle]

Wow. I am surprised the sleepover thing starts at 8 or younger. (??)

[Garga]

If you don't know the family very well, then don't do the sleepover. And just explain that to your son. Tell him it's your job to protect him and so you're not allowed to let him go to sleepovers unless it's with family friends that you know very well.

 

Tell him that it's Rule #56 in the manual that came with him from the hospital.

 

Snickerdoodle:

My little guys do go to sleepovers with three different friends. But these are people that I would trust with anything. My guys are only 4 and 6.

 

Of those three friends, their sons come here for sleepovers, too.

 

But again, I absolutely TRUST these people and know them VERY well. There are a number of friends that I would NOT allow my boys to sleepover with. Not because they're bad people, but I just don't know them.

[Dianne-TX]

If you don't know the family very well, then don't do the sleepover. And just explain that to your son. Tell him it's your job to protect him and so you're not allowed to let him go to sleepovers unless it's with family friends that you know very well.

 

Tell him that it's Rule #56 in the manual that came with him from the hospital.

 

Snickerdoodle:

My little guys do go to sleepovers with three different friends. But these are people that I would trust with anything. My guys are only 4 and 6.

 

Of those three friends, their sons come here for sleepovers, too.

 

But again, I absolutely TRUST these people and know them VERY well. There are a number of friends that I would NOT allow my boys to sleepover with. Not because they're bad people, but I just don't know them.

 

That's pretty much what we told him and his sister tonight. It was the first time the subject came up, but we already knew our answer would be no when it did come up. My dh just said that it's a family rule that we don't do sleepovers unless it's family. No need to explain, just that's the way it is. I did add that when we aren't there we can't protect them and that's our most important job. Thanks for all the posts.

[JennifersLost]

I tell the kids why; in whatever terms work for their ages. I don't pick and choose families, either - I just have a blanket rule. The one exception is at cousin's houses.

 

It is a shame. I had a lot of great times as a kid.

 

I also saw my first porno mags, got my first alcohol, my first R and X rated movies and went to my first bars (underage), and eventually sexually assaulted, all while I was "sleeping over" at good friends' houses. My parents never knew about any of it.

 

My point of view is that if I say yes to my kids when they are younger, I'm not going to be able to say no when they're teens - and that's when I'm really worried.

[Chelle in MO]

We don't allow sleepovers. We just tell our younger children that kids often do silly and/or regrettable things that they'd never do IRL when they stay up late in peer groups. We describe some of these things--like picking on one another, gossip about someone not present, daring each other to do things, etc. The "crabby factor" gets mentioned, too!

 

The older 2 (12 and 14) know more detail about risks involved. We tell all of them that they can stay "late" to play, but must come home to sleep.

 

No one questions it anymore. It's been accepted as they way things are around here!

 

Chelle

[Dianne-TX]

I tell the kids why; in whatever terms work for their ages. I don't pick and choose families, either - I just have a blanket rule. The one exception is at cousin's houses.

 

It is a shame. I had a lot of great times as a kid.

 

I also saw my first porno mags, got my first alcohol, my first R and X rated movies and went to my first bars (underage), and eventually sexually assaulted, all while I was "sleeping over" at good friends' houses. My parents never knew about any of it.

 

My point of view is that if I say yes to my kids when they are younger, I'm not going to be able to say no when they're teens - and that's when I'm really worried.

:iagree:I'm sorry you had to go through that. And I did some things I'm not proud of when I was sleeping over. Many of the items you listed. You can't take them back and have regrets, some that last a life time. And for you, something awful happened to you that will be with you for the rest of your life. But, we protect our kids so they won't have to go through it, right? Yes, much easier to make the rule now and stick with it and then they know no different and know we stand by our rules.

[TexasRachel]

Our dds already know that sleepovers are not even an option to discuss until they are at least 10 years old.

See now that DD is almost 12 we're starting to rethink the sleepover thing. I think too many negative things can happen once hormones and non-supervision (which always happens b/c they're up til 4 am) occur.

[Ibbygirl]

See now that DD is almost 12 we're starting to rethink the sleepover thing. I think too many negative things can happen once hormones and non-supervision (which always happens b/c they're up til 4 am) occur.

 

 

That's what I think too. I let my daughter go over a fellow homeschool friends house for a sleep over because there were only girls and the mom at home and the girls were younger than my dd. But now that she is 12 I think her sleepover days are over. She always wakes up too early anyway and is bored because she has to be quiet and cannot do anything until everyone else wakes up.

[Snickerdoodle]

 

My little guys do go to sleepovers with three different friends. But these are people that I would trust with anything. My guys are only 4 and 6.

 

Of those three friends, their sons come here for sleepovers, too.

 

But again, I absolutely TRUST these people and know them VERY well. There are a number of friends that I would NOT allow my boys to sleepover with. Not because they're bad people, but I just don't know them.

 

We have moved around a bit, so admittedly this has never come up for us. I can see how it would work if you had a very close circle of friends that you knew really well for a long time.

[mitraces]

The only sleepovers that made sense was when friends were too far away to make the trip home in one day (and they were very good friends.) We still do overnights rarely (13,16, 18) but no one likes them unless I set a decent bedtime hour. The next day is okay, but the second day after the event is shot!

[swellmomma]

I don't allow sleep overs at all. They do sleep at the grandparents, or at one of the aunts/uncles houses, but never with friends. Luckily the only girl dd would want to sleep over with has the same rule in her house. It definitely made the kids feel better about my decision. I practically lived at my best friend's house through elementary, I slept over there every weekend all weekend. It was her parents that gave me alcohol for the first time, got us R rated movies and even offered to teach me to shoot when I went camping with them.

 

Of Course the stakes got higher when I was a teen with few brains during sleep overs. I did really stupid things, like running topless across a busy street on a dare, going out only to meet and make out with boys, shoplifting, watching "soft" porn etc. The sleep overs were much tamer when we were little kids and stayed in the house when the parents went to bed.