CC: Can I ask a marriage/leadership question?

[praisefor3]

DH and I have opposite personalities. I am more of a decision maker. He is more laid back, less opinionated, more go-with-the-flow. When we go on vacation, I am the one that plans the hotels, makes reservations, plans out the packing, books the travel and gets the money from the bank. There have been many trips where we would have left without .50 in cash and no credit card if I had depended on him to think of this. I take care of the dog arrangements, and other details depending on the trip: stopping the mail, etc. I am also the bill payer, the family scheduler, the food planner, the budget maker, etc.

 

So here's the dilemma: I now realize that I have always wanted to be married to someone who took charge. Don't get me wrong. This is NOT a marriage in trouble. We have withstood the winds of 21 years of losing a child, financial hard times, good times, etc. Our commitment is rock solid and this is not a husband bashing thread. It is simply this: When we married 21 years ago these roles came naturally to us. I had traveled more, had experienced debt so knew about bill juggling, was more dominant, stronger personality, etc. At that time I did not have the wisdom or foresight to encourage my husband's leadership and strengths. But, frankly, now I regret that I allowed myself to lead in areas that I wish now I didn't have to lead in. He is awesome in many ways. He's not a wimpy guy that lets me walk all over him. It's just that now I am left to make decisions that I just wish he would show some leadership in. Some I consider important ("Do we tithe?") Some less important (what hotel to stay in.) But because I was so strong in controlling these areas in our first years, it's not his natural tendency to suddenly step in now and take leadership.

 

If I have but one regret in my marriage it is this: In our early years I would have encouraged him more, helped him have more self confidence as the leader of our family, let go of some of the areas I thought that I should take care of because I was "better at it", and truly let my DH be the leader. I know that doesn't sound politically correct and to some that may seem archaic. But like many things in life, I am learning that God doesn't direct things just so He can tell us to do things, but because in His infinite wisdom, there really is a reason why His way works.

 

Now I've written this really long post and haven't even really asked a question. If you've made it this far and can understand what I'm saying, I do appreciate it. If not, I guess I just needed to vent anyway. I guess my question is: At this point, do I just accept that I should continue on carrying those roles of responsibility because for 21 years I made my DH think that I couldn't let go of them and just accept that his strengths are in different areas? I must admit that I will always struggle with being resentful that he doesn't just take more leadership - while at the same time realizing that I am the one who created this situation. (We used to have so many credit cards and I was the one who took care of them so when we would go out to eat he would ask me how to pay. It embarassed me, yet it was my fault.) I think I COULD probably learn to accept that "it is what it is" and just go forward, but I have to admit that when I see other marriages where the DH is more of the natural decision maker, I sometimes begin to long that my marriage was different.

 

Some of our best friends have a marriage where the DH is out of control with "control." The family dutifully follows along as he makes all the decisions. I think that is even more unhealthy as I watch them all struggle so I'm not looking for total control. I just wonder if after all these years if I should accept it as it is or if I can somehow undo the control I have always taken (that part is hard for me to admit, but true.) If you have any insight or have BTDT and can help me regain a proper perspective, I would sure appreciate it. I do love him dearly. I just want to either accept the situation better or gain any insight on how to change 21 years of not exactly doing things right.

 

Please, oh please, I am not trying to turn this in to a battle over submission. If you can't understand where I'm coming from that's o.k. and don't feel compelled to relate. I just needed somewhere to put my thoughts on paper so I wouldn't inwardly hold the resentment or, even worse, express it to my DH in a negative spill-over way (which at certain times of the month I'm more tempted to do than others!) But if you do have some God-given insight that might put me on the right path, I appreciate your willingness to share.

[Nestof3]

I understand your entire post. You have described our marriage. I look at these things I do as being his helpmeet. He is truly very busy with his job, and most of these things are done while he is at work. I don't see my doing these things as leading, but as serving.

 

We are both very happy with what we bring to the marriage. I don't make big decisions -- like I wouldn't decide to put $5,000 on the house without talking it over with him, for example. He wouldn't buy the used jet ski a few summers ago until I agreed to it. He knew he "could" buy it without my blessing, but he wanted my blessing.

 

If I am overwhelmed at night because I am doing quarterly tax payments, he'll vaccum. If I type up the invoicing for the customers, he'll stuff the envelopes and the boys put the labels and stamps on.

 

I am just better at managing the household details, and honestly, it brings me great satisfaction to serve my family in this way.

 

I honestly don't see this as a spirtual leadership issue.

 

I have heard of families where the husband insists he do all of the financial things, but in our household, my husband's heart trusts in me. (Read Proverbs 31 -- it is very freeing in my opinion for a woman).

 

If you really want more help from your husband (not just listening to how another family does it and getting guilty), just ask him. :)

[Melinda in VT]

I'm going to skip right over the submission issue and deal with practicalities.;)

 

Yes, you can change who controls what in a relationship. DH and I have shifted who has primary decision making in various areas (food, money, gardening). In fact, we've shifted several times and in several different ways.

 

Usually it starts with one of us saying something like, "I'm really stressed and overburdened right now. I would love it if you could take over and be in charge of X. I just don't want to think about it right now. I'll live with whatever you decide. Could we try it that way for awhile?"

 

And then the person not in charge has to bite his or her tongue. :tongue_smilie:

 

Given your long history of The Way Things Are, I would suggest starting small, with one or two areas, rather than trying to get DH to take over leadership in all areas.

[Laura in VA]

:grouphug: to you. I would encourage you to pray about it and I think it's great that you are not blaming your dh. There are several very wise women on this board and hopefully they will give you some sound, Biblical advice.

[Tabrett]

Honestly, it looks to me that you are taking care of the "household" affairs which is your job as his helper. I do the same things and I have almost been marred 18 years. I think you are submitting because this is what he WANTS you to do. If you tried to get him to do it all, then you wouldn't be following his authority; you would be trying to get him to follow yours. KWIM?

Don't get caught up in what other people's husband do or don't do. If you are doing what your husband desires, than you are being Biblical. God knew what each of your strength and weakness were before he put you two together. Rejoice that you work well together!!!!

[LBC]

Well, it's difficult to give insight, since I don't know you personally, and can't see your marriage dynamics in action.

 

My first thought when reading your post is that this seems to be more about "roles" and marriage dynamics than about principles of Christian leadership. True Biblical leadership is more about serving and supporting, than it is about having a strong personality. Administration is a spiritual gift, and you clearly possess that gift. I'm sure there are gifts that your husband has that are a beautiful complement to your strengths and weaknesses.

 

I have a dh whose personality is more passive in nature. It used to make me feel the same way you've described, but over the years I have become more at ease with our dynamics, and more comfortable in my own skin. In the process of becoming more comfortable with who we are as a team, I have been learning to be more honest with both myself and dh. This keeps resentment from building. When I say I'm being honest, I'm not being critical of him, but I'm being real about how certain things make me feel. In the past, I would suppress those feelings because of faulty belief systems (i.e.: "good Christian wives don't_____", or "strong Christian husbands should_____").

 

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I thought I'd respond to your post, since I can relate to your situation.:)

 

Lori

[kalanamak]

At that time I did not have the wisdom or foresight to encourage my husband's leadership and strengths. But, frankly, now I regret that I allowed myself to lead in areas that I wish now I didn't have to lead in.

 

Not CC, but I will note in my previous marriage I started with a husband who didn't know a Philips from a straight edge screwdriver (very sheltered) and ended with one who built his own computers. I took care of everything you mentioned, but DID have the wisdom to start transitioning things to him. Once he was good at "life", he left. I'm not sure I was wise, and am not pleased I truly wasted 10 years on this.

 

My current husband is both hard of hearing and severely dyslexic, and has the good sense to realize he does better with a wife who "runs the show". This time I will not "sin my blessings".

[Chris in VA]

I think you need to talk to him. Tell him everything, just like you told us. Why is it easier to describe a problem to our girlfriends than to deal directly with our hubbies? lol Probably because we are concerned with hurting them.

 

As long as you can do so without manipulating or trying to change him, I think it's all right to express yourself to him. Remembering that men crave respect, make sure you are not disrespecting him in your conversation.

 

Pray first.

[pixeldog]

Thanks, praisefor3, for having the courage and taking the time to start this thread. I'm in a *very* similar spot and do appreciate the wisdom shared so far. My husband and I have struggled with this more recently in the past few years as our boys ages 10 and 5 are getting older. Our issues stemmed from a combination of things; when we were married (like you said) it wasn't an issue, then we were exposed to the "faulty belief systems" mentioned above and there was even more pressure on us and I felt validated in my exhaustion from "doing all the thinking, and taking all the responsibility in this family".

 

I think my husband thought he was honoring me by giving me the power in our relationship. While many things have improved, I think he was shaped early on my his strong mother and sisters and a predominant culture that allows men to stay boys. Honestly, I feel like a single parent of a teenager (him) and my two young boys. NOT good for a marriage......and not good for my young boys, in my view. So I'm concerned about what kind of model my boys have regarding what their roles might be in their own families in the future. This is a real "hot button" for my husband and me, and combined with the issues others have brought up, is THE ISSUE in our marriage and family life.

 

I love my husband and we are very committed in our marriage, but it feels like when we look for help, we keep getting the same message "Men, step up." I just don't think he can (or he would have by now....) and we're tired of the same ol' problems. I'm enjoying the fresh insights here and I'm gratefully looking forward to further insights on the effects of this on the kiddos!!

 

Nancy

[Kanga]

You all just sound like military wives to me!;) Even though our husbands are blessed with leadership skills, despite the fact that we may not want control, the wives end up doing.it.all!

 

We usually take over some time before their first depolyment. We are advised to give up control once our husbands return home, but quite frankly a lot of them do not want the responsibility back. One time when I was in the process of trying to give my dh back his husbandly role he said, "I don't understand how come you are so capable when I am gone. You pay the bills, invest our money, changed the oil in the cars, fixed the garbage disposal and the dryer, took care of the yard, repainted the house, and survived a hurricane. Then I come home and you become helpless!" :lol: I explained that I was just doing what the counselors suggest I do upon his return. He told me that he liked that I took care of things, it made it possible for him to accomplish more in other areas where I couldn't help.

 

So my advice is to talk to your husband and ask him what, if anything, he wants to take over. He might not want to take over anything, unless he feels that there is a reason that you need him to. (My dh took over for a short time while I was taking care of my sick grandma.) Your dh might just be thanking God for providing him with such a capable wife whose gifts compliments his so very well!

[scrapbookbuzz]

:iagree:

 

I'm going to skip right over the submission issue and deal with practicalities.;)

 

Yes, you can change who controls what in a relationship. DH and I have shifted who has primary decision making in various areas (food, money, gardening). In fact, we've shifted several times and in several different ways.

 

Usually it starts with one of us saying something like, "I'm really stressed and overburdened right now. I would love it if you could take over and be in charge of X. I just don't want to think about it right now. I'll live with whatever you decide. Could we try it that way for awhile?"

 

And then the person not in charge has to bite his or her tongue. :tongue_smilie::iagree:

 

Given your long history of The Way Things Are, I would suggest starting small, with one or two areas, rather than trying to get DH to take over leadership in all areas.

 

What she said!:D

[praisefor3]

Already the thread has been very helpful to me. To clarify, there are probably two different issues here. The first is a matter of leading/controlling. As nestof3 pointed out, if I see it as serving my family instead of being the leader, it helps me to keep my motives and actions right and not feel resentful - or embarassed because I am more of the "manger". Thank you for that reminder.

 

The second issue is as pixeldog related: with more "passive" natured husbands as LBC called it, it is sometimes hard to appreciate and respect them for their other traits...even while at the same time I see him as far more of a Biblical father and leader than the domineering, authority-obsessed husbands. And I, too, fear that my children will grow up thinking that mom ran the family and dad wasn't the leader. And don't think for a minute that I haven't made the mistake in the past of making a derogatory comment to him within their hearing...but thankfully this is something that I am so convicted about and do try to find ways to edify him and lift him up in front of them, even at times when I am struggling with respecting him. I do understand the long term negative effect on all of us if I allow those words to come out.

 

ALL the posts have been helpful and are giving me new strength to approach this right. Thank you so much for allowing me to share these thoughts and gain from your wisdom. I remain open to any other insight!

[Heather in Savannah]

is not just with the "roles" we play in our marriages. Praisefor3, a major concern is the family safety and security. Let me explain....if you are the one who manages all the finances, insurance, bills, etc. Can your husband recreate everything and pull it all together if something happens to you? I have seen this happen with my parents.....my dad left everything to my mom. She passed away, and Dad doesn't have a clue how to function....couldn't even write a check. My suggestion would be to present it as a family safety issue to your husband. If he shares the responsibility, shadows you, takes it over (you would stay up to date, though, right?)whatever works, then your family unit will be better prepared for any catastrophe.

[Nestof3]

is not just with the "roles" we play in our marriages. Praisefor3, a major concern is the family safety and security. Let me explain....if you are the one who manages all the finances, insurance, bills, etc. Can your husband recreate everything and pull it all together if something happens to you? I have seen this happen with my parents.....my dad left everything to my mom. She passed away, and Dad doesn't have a clue how to function....couldn't even write a check. My suggestion would be to present it as a family safety issue to your husband. If he shares the responsibility, shadows you, takes it over (you would stay up to date, though, right?)whatever works, then your family unit will be better prepared for any catastrophe.

 

 

I think it helps if you are also organized. I have a MS Word chart with each bill I pay monthly listed. It includes the company name, account #, amount (for changing ones like cell phone I write in the amount with pencil each month), and a column for each month of the year. I check them off when I pay them. He can clearly see what hasn't been paid.

 

I also have a computer password address book because I pay many of my bills online. Those websites are also bookmarked.

 

I have labeled file folders for everything from insurance (a file folder for each company -- my life, his life, health, and combined other) to banking to instruction manuals.

 

My husband lived alone for years before I came along, and in that time, he had to cook meals for himself and Aaron, he used to do all of the invoicing, and such and pay all the bills. So, if something happened, he could figure it out.

[Ibbygirl]

I can understand what you are going through as well. Although my husband definitely wears the pants in the family and makes decisions and we all submit to them, he relies on me HEAVILY. He comes from a family where the woman takes care of everything and the man just shows up and expects to be waited on hand and foot. With 2 special needs kids to take care of and a husband who expects to be taken care of as well, it can get very stressful and overwhelming for me. I find for myself, that reading marriage books together was very helpful. My husband has a very delicate ego and will take things the wrong way when I try to bring things to his attention. It's always a challenge for me to find a way to phrase things so that he take it as a criticism. Books (and videos) have helped me a lot in this regard. I've chosen books on topics that I would like to discuss with him, but that I don't feel I can bring up to him because of his sensitivity. When we read the books together, he "gets the message" but since I am not the messenger he takes it better. I think for him, he can take a constructive criticism from an indirect source better than it coming from me directly and that coupled with prayer for God to speak to his heart has helped me a lot over the years. The Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Laugh your way to a Better Marriage (DVD) by Mark Gungor were very helpful to us. :) God is faithful and if you are faithful to Him and submit to His will , He will give you the desires of your heart. :grouphug: I hope this is helpful to you. :)

Edited May 16, 2009 by Ibbygirl

[Mama Anna]

I tend to make decisions more quickly than my dh and also really seek the security of a "final" decision while he's comfortable with having his options open. This means that we deal with the difficulty of me taking over, doing all the talking and making all the decisions simply because I'm faster on the "reply/decision" trigger than he is. Sometimes it isn't a problem. But then, there's the fact that he actually thinks before he replies while I just say the first thing that comes into my head . . . :tongue_smilie:

 

Over three years ago, very unhappy with how things were going in our relationship due to these and other issues, we read some books on marriage and decided to try a new tack. Now, when there's something that needs to be decided that is not in my area of responsibility (whether the car needs to be fixed, can we afford to visit family this summer, how will we get there if we do go, etc.) I step back. I try to make sure that he knows it needs to be dealt with ("Can you please make this decision?"), but then I don't do anything more about it. Which is really, really hard. But if he crashes and burns on it, then it's his responsibility, not mine. I might have to deal with the fallout as it affects our family, but it's not my job to mother him - he's a big boy! It is my job to pray for him. Hard. And pray for myself that I can release whatever it is to God. After all, I'm blessed enough to have a dh who deeply desires to do God's will. Surely that means that it's God's job to tell him what that will is - not mine. (Even if I'm sure I know!!:))

 

Now, two things about our particular situation: Even though I do the budget (with a "State of the Budget Address" conversation with him once a month) money hasn't really been a problem because we have pretty much the same viewpoint on it. Therefore, our system has never had to meet that particular test (which is why it might sound naive to some). Secondly, dh has never actually crashed and burned when I've left him to it. Sometimes he might go into a steep dive, but he's always pulled out before hitting the ground. As he's gotten more practice, he doesn't tend to go into the dive very often anymore. And I see him feeling so much more confident of himself around other men.

 

It can be very nice to be "taken care of" if I only let him do it his way . . .

 

HTH!

Mama Anna

[ciyates]

My DH and I have been married 16 years and were in a very similar place. I talked to him about it and we have made huge progress. There are some areas where I will always lead but it is getting better. I just told him I felt like I had to make all the decisions and sometimes I was scared that I made the wrongs one. He was so used to it that he didn't even notice it. I started by telling him something small like you decide what our son's punishment is. When my son wanted something I told him to go ask his dad. It was hard sometimes accepting what he decides but all and all it has been great. I hope it works out well. :grouphug:

[ChristineMM]

You can't change the past. However if you are unhappy at present remember marriage is about negotiation. Start changing things if that is what you feel you need. Little changes can be made. You will probably need to be specific such as let go of one task and change it over to DH doing it.

 

As you said though if you hand over the job to him you may have to accept it not being done exactly as you would have, he should have freedom to do it 'his way' or less than what you might consider right or perfect.

 

I am not in your situation. However I have made some changes regarding me doing too much and starting to feel resentful and angry with DH and even my kids. I started not agreeing to take everything on and to handle it all myself. That includes too, not doing so many appointments and busy stuff. I need more down time in order to be home to do what I am supposed to do instead of run around doing too many things outside of home then me or DH being mad that the house is a mess, things are disorganized etc.

 

Dr. Phil talks about this often. He says we teach people how to treat us but often we wind up being mad they do (or don't do) things that we didn't want them to do. Sometimes we create the mess. The thing is if we want changes we have to set them in motion and it is a more gradual process not overnight instant rearrangement.

Hope something here helps.

[mcconnellboys]

Why not just ask him to do a thing here and another thing there for you, until you've gotten him into doing more of the sorts of things you wish he'd do? And even when you're working on those things, why not draw him in by asking his advice more often and getting him involved in the decision making process with you? Lots of the things you mention don't necessarily have to be a one person only job - y'all could share the work and decisions.

[hillfarm]

Consider the business analogy. The CEO of the corporation would be stupid not to have an excellent manager. Your dh has placed his trust in you to be the manager of your home. That doesn't automatically mean he is not the head of it.

 

I have a very strong organizational skills and a take-charge kind of personality. Periodically I will have a sit down with dh and ask him for direction. What does he think are the top priorities for our family? What does he see as our greatest challenges? What is and isn't working and does he have strong feelings about how he would fix the problems?

 

We each have our areas of strength. Dh loves routine and is happy in a job that would drive me crazy. He brings home the income our family needs to survive. I am the classic multitasker. I thrive on having at least three things going at any one time and work well with crisis and deadlines. IMO, as long as in my heart dh is the head of our household and I consistently view him in the CEO position, then it doesn't matter to me how it appears to outsiders. I have been conscientious about often mentioning to dd that we have to do this or that because Daddy set it as a priority, or letting her know when I am undecided and need to discuss something with Daddy before making a decision. I think she gets it, because on various issues she will say this may be one we need to run by Daddy.

 

If it is more an issue of you not getting the help you need in running the household, then I would definitely determine which chores you need to have him take up and begin to slowly ask him to help with each one. Perhaps you could explain that as your responsibilities have grown over time, you are concerned that you are not able to keep up the way you used to and could he take responsibility for ....whatever, or would he rather you as a family just let that one fall by the wayside. IMO that is a good way to also recognise those tasks that once meant something to you both but now are not so important as to be worth your time. If some of those things he chooses to drop are not things that you would, go back to that CEO/manager analogy and let it go. If he can't stand that job going undone, then he can pick it up. If you can't, then perhaps you need to see it not as a family responsibility but rather a personal preference of yours and decide whether you value it enough to take it up again as one of your "things", not as a family thing.

[nova mama]

1) Being the "manager" doesn't make you the leader. If you are better at organizing, administrating, etc., then you are a blessing to your family by using those gifts for them. As a wife who is seeking to follow the Bible's design of marriage, I don't believe you are wrong by being a manager of the household (see Proverbs 31; "she looks well to the ways of her household").

 

2) If you are the leader, it doesn't matter that it's been that way for years. Your recognize that it's not God's design, and it's not too late for you and your husband to change. It will require prayer, perhaps stepping back, perhaps some hard conversations with your husband, and prayer (did I mention prayer?). But you can do it (Phil 4:13).