edited for containing identifying info

I think he's safe, what rankles is the he and the bully are the only two excluded -- ds feels this puts him on par with a boy who has been pretty awful. Knowing DS, there's no way these other boys can make him do anything he doesn't want to do. What they can do (and are doing) is put him down and exclude him because he's not one of the "cool" ones.

I've removed the post because it became apparent that the school could be identified

Interesting. Definitely agree on the washer/dryer. I'd also like to get in touch with the author's GP to see if they can chase down the appointment my son is supposed to have been scheduled for a month ago, because our GP/specialist isn't doing it! I'm not a fan of the education system here though, at least not the beyond GCSEs part, unless you're at a top school and I cannot say that I've been impressed by the intellectualism here. But I do like the way things aren't super-sized and strip-malled and lots of other things as well.

I need to ask, why? I could see myself doing this sometime for fun.

If you've been divorced or similar and gone on to be happy with someone else (or just plain happy), how do you get there? I've been divorced for a year. It was my choice, and I know this was the right choice as I am much happier now and the kids are much happier. xDH was passive aggressive, would lie about inconsequential things (and perhaps consequential things as well), manipulative, etc. And while I am happier now, the thought of being in a relationship with anyone else brings out the cynic in me. I don't want to be in a relationship necessarily but it would be nice to have a cup of coffee every now and then with an eligible straight male who has no serious issues and can have a normal conversation. But every time I think about relationships or see them in real life or on tv, I have this negative knee-jerk reaction that says, no, you'd never ever find anyone who could be nice and normal and treat you with a bit of respect. Most relationships (even good ones) seem to me to be either disasters waiting to happen or complete fantasy. I hate feeling so negative and cynical. Is it a question of time? One incident from last spring made me realize just what I'd gotten used to from DH. I was having coffee with a male friend who is the father of good friends of my kids. We were out, the kids had gone off to do their own thing, and F and I were in a cafe. I picked up the tray with coffees and was looking for a table and F offered to take the tray. I couldn't believe he could be that nice. We sat down and he offered to fetch a spoon so I could stir the coffee. Again I was flabbergasted that anyone would offer that. This was months ago and I still remember feeling, wow, he's being nice. xDH would never have done that (or anything else helpful, so it's not just that he is someone who misses the little things but remembers the important stuff). Is it normal to be so cynical? I would like to be positive but it's so doggone difficult to see anything positive in any relationship now. Does this get better?

Tell him to send it or maybe one of them will do what someone did to my dh -- an aunt of his had sent a check for $10 when our twins were born. xDH and I had agreed that he would do thank-yous for his family, I for mine, so this was his responsibility. He didn't write the thank you. Several months later he got a really nasty note from this aunt basically telling him how horrible he was not to have sent a thank-you note to her. It was awful. I felt so bad.

My ex just can't be bothered with the kids. He sees dds once a week for an hour, but will cancel if it doesn't suit him. DS the younger he sees maybe once every two weeks, if it suits him. DS the elder is ignored almost completely. If ex's parents or family are in town (rare event), exdh goes into "look at what a great single dad I am" mode and insists on seeing the kids more often. I've explained to the older three that their dad loves them but isn't well (depression) and doesn't have the energy for anything other than work right now. They do know that I don't approve of it but I try to explain that their dad isn't well enough to take much responsibility right now, maybe later. My youngest doesn't get an explanation; he doesn't really understand that many people have two parents at home and views seeing his father as a treat that happens occasionally. Sort of like getting to watch TV or having ice cream for dessert. And then I call my mother and vent to her about what kind of jerk ignores his wonderful amazing kids.

Don't know if this will help but I've used it with music practice after seeing ds's teacher use it in a lesson. Take an object (violin teacher used a plastic mouse I think) and set it at point "a". As ds does his work, the mouse gradually moves to the end point. If he dawdles, the mouse moves back to the beginning. It worked with getting ds to focus on his practice -- I think it makes the progress more visible and breaks it down into smaller increments that may "feel" more achievable than just "practice this piece 3 times". So for example, if ds practices a page well, the mouse moves along. If ds messes around, mouse retreats. As for dd not asking, what happens if "not" asking is part of what she needs to do to be permitted to go?

You might want to ask how the tester would interpret discrepancies among subtest scores. DS was tested by the GDC when he was six, when we found out/had confirmed that he is 2E. The testers there were able to look at the subtests and the scores and the discrepancies and explain how his learning differences would have influenced the scores. The testers were also able to suggest what further testing was needed by specialists in sensory issues, APD, etc. I thought we received a nuanced interpretation of the scores. DS was tested again this summer, at 12, by an ok ed psych. I wanted the testing done so that I could get him the right to use a laptop in class and was not as concerned about what the test would show, since I knew that already. (The only way to get him the laptop was to do the testing, btw.) His scores were so wacky the tester said she was unable to give him a valid FSIQ. No surprise there. She was also unable to offer a thorough interpretation of what the scores meant, though, and couldn't really give us any sort of update on how his learning differences were affecting these. Since I wasn't too interested in this, I was okay with this. I would definitely ask about experience with 2E and what the tester knows about this and how learning differences might affect the scoring.

Vocab (inc. foreign language) here goes on the bathroom mirror and in other strategic locations in the bathroom. Captive audience and all. It seems to sink in.

I looked this up for both Leiden (the best uni in NL IMHO) and Amsterdam University College -- http://www.auc.nl/admissions/admission-requirements/diplomas-from-specific-countries/diplomas-from-specific-countries.html http://hum.leiden.edu/internationalstudies/faq/faq.html They both seem to imply that, if you have completed a first-year program at an American university, you will be considered to have obtained the equivalent of a Dutch pre-university high school diploma. I would suggest pointing out how your dd's qualifications meet these requirements, and ask whether MU would accept those. I think that the difficulty is that Dutch universities have a hard time understanding how to evaluate US high school diplomas since in the US you don't have quite the same standardized tests to measure what you've learned in high school, hence the demand for the APs because that is something they can wrap their heads around. You could also try contacting nuffic.nl for advice as they deal with evaluating foreign diplomas in NL. There are a number of other English-language unis in NL, perhaps it would be worth looking at those as well? Or is it specifically Maastricht that your daughter is interested in? Good luck with all of it. Sounds like a good and interesting plan!

Just wondering how many pairs of shoes your dh has? Three pairs of shoes for a teenage boy sounds like too few.

Thanks for the suggestions -- DS will come home for half-term to a whole lot of brushing! I think we'll try all the suggestions and see which ones work for him.

DS12 started phase 2 of orthodontics in August. I took him in yesterday for his first check-up, and the ortho was horrified by how grubby his teeth were -- lots of plaque, inflamed gums, etc. She removed the wire, told him to get the gum inflammation under control, etc., and will see him in a few weeks to put the wire back on. DS was mortified. The catch is that I can't monitor his toothbrushing because he's at boarding school and comes home only in the holidays. I doubt whether matron at school would supervise him as she has enough boys to deal with. I've figured out the consequences for this and discussed with DS (this was his freebie, if he does it again, he pays for the hygienist and the extra visits, if this happens a third time, braces go off and he goes on the NHS waitlist for braces because I'm not going to continue paying private fees if this is the way it goes). I'd like to be sure DS has the right tools to get the braces as clean as possible. He's done this before, with phase 1, with the usual brush and tiny brushes and floss, and that went okay, but we were dealing with fewer teeth/less stuff to get clean. I'm thinking maybe he would benefit from special orthodontics brushes or floss or something? I've seen something called airfloss that might work? He uses a battery toothbrush at school but I'm thinking that might not be the best choice? He'll be home for half-term soon and he will be using that time to learn how to do this properly. To be fair to him, he does have terrible teeth with some enamel dysplasia, so it is a bit more challenging for him to get this under control. He does have prescription toothpaste already. Any ideas?

My ds was badly bullied for over a year at his private school. The school kept defending the bully, who had physically attacked at least six other boys (that is, six boys with whose families I spoke and so had firsthand knowledge of what happened). Apparently the bully came from a bad home situation so we should feel sorry for him and allow him to kick, hit and threaten the other boys. It was ridiculous.

I drink Douwe Egberts coffee at home, and my kids will sneak sips of Douwe Egberts coffee.

You could try "I'm sorry you feel this way" if others are unhappy that you're not doing their bidding. A friend of my mom's uses this one and it seems to work. Also, get headphones, a lock for your door and an agenda so that everytime someone wants you to do something you can check your schedule to see where you can fit it in "well, that has to wait until next Tuesday because I have homework and tests scheduled in until then." Good luck!

Just my two cents ... but I would have stayed married had xdh been a good father to the dcs. If he had talked with them regularly, gone to their events, asked them questions about their lives, offered to help them with homework or anything, praised them for improvement in music and sport, anything to show that he cared, I would have stayed and gone to therapy every day to make it work. But he ignored and neglected them for years, prioritizing his own "work" and colleagues and computer time over family time. A year after ds got his epipen for nut allergies (a full year), xdh asked me, "so how bad are these allergies anyway?" He hadn't been reading labels or anything. He refused to wish dds "Happy Birthday" on their 13th birthday until I forced him to in the late afternoon. Etc etc etc. And it continues to this day -- he didn't see ds12 for six weeks this past spring because he just couldn't be bothered. It stinks for the kids. Really, I was very unhappy living with someone who treated me like this (ignored anything I needed, never asked about me etc) but I could have dealt with it if he had just cared about the kids. And still it is amicable between us, we do do things together as a "family", etc., because I have decided just to bite my tongue and let go let go let go. I personally am a much much happier person (and therefore a much much better parent) now, and I think that at least the dcs do not have the model of an unhealthy relationship in their daily lives that could affect their own relationships later.

And even if there isn't anything you did wrong, the IRS can still decide that you have. I had that happen last year -- taxes were filed on time, extension was filed on time, etc., by my accountant. Taxes were paid on time. We had proof of all of this. The IRS sent a letter demanding well over 10,000 USD because they said we hadn't filed taxes on time. My accountant sent a letter, certified mail, enclosing copies of the proof. We kept getting letters from the IRS. I called them and was told that even if we had proof, they didn't care because they said we hadn't filed on time, so pay up. I called again the next day and found out that my accountant's letter was sitting in our file "unassigned" to anyone FIVE months after it had been received. The woman said she'd deal with it. A month or so later we got a letter saying that we hadn't filed on time, despite all of our proof, but they were dropping the penalty because we'd always filed on time in the past. It's just ridiculous. Even if you follow the law to the letter and have paper proof of all of it, the IRS can still arbitrarily decide that you're wrong.

I hear you. Depending on what your income is, the IRS at the US Embassy in London offers tax help. I haven't used it, but my experiences with them have so far been good. I am also looking for a good UK-US accountant. Tried one who turned out not to know the US rules and could have caused me to lose lots of money if I hadn't known better. Tried another who couldn't follow the thread of our conversation and came away with the completely wrong idea. Also misspelled my name, so loses points for that. A US-UK friend has just recommended someone else whom he has used. I'm speaking with her on Monday. Let me know if you'd like her info if she turns out to be okay. I don't mind paying my fair share but I'm so sick of all the rules and regulations that make it impossible to pay my fair share without paying a fortune to accountants and running afoul of regulations even when I've done everything I can to comply.

Tress, ik heb je een berichtje gestuurd.

If you take just a carry-on, you may not be able to take anything that counts as liquid unless it's in a small container (100 mls). So if you're taking contact lens solution, shampoo, etc, you may not be able to take those in sufficient quantities and will have to buy those in Thailand. Obviously you can buy things there but it's an extra errand/thing to think about. As for airlines, given your choices, I'd go for the cheapest with the best itinerary. Sounds like a fun trip!

We just went through a similar decision but with dd15 and cello. She spent two years with a teacher with excellent credentials. At first it went well and dd learned a lot. In the second year, however, dd didn't learn as much. She would be unhappy because the teacher was never happy with anything she'd played and also because it was inconsistent. For example, dd would have spent a week practising lots, and teacher would assume she hadn't practised at all and be critical. Another week dd wouldn't have practised nearly as much and teacher would be pleased with her. This happened several times. At first I thought, well, it's good for dd to learn to get along with different types of teaching and the teacher is really good and so we should stick with it. We stuck with it for a year. I sat in on every other lesson to monitor things. Finally I realized that dd was so intimidated by the teacher that it was interfering with her playing. She'd pick up her bow to start playing and at the first note the teacher would stop her to tell her she had done something wrong. Same with the second note. Same with the third note. If dd ever got through a scale or piece, the teacher would have had a minimum of several dozen criticisms for her that she was supposed to work on. Very little was written down, of course, because it was all thrown at dd during the course of playing a piece/scale, so dd wouldn't have a chance to remember everything and really improve. It got to the point where dd was scared to play because everytime she would practice at home she was paralyzed with concern -- oh dear I know there was something I did wrong on this last lesson and what was it and what was I supposed to do. There was way too much inconsistent criticism. Eventually I found another teacher who is a great personality fit with dd -- he is calm and logical and gives her a few things to work on every lesson and follows up at the next lesson. DD is playing much much better and is more confident. Ironically the new teacher, who is very young, had actually taken a few lessons with dd's former teacher, who is elderly to say the least, and knew exactly was DD's experience was like. DS just had a similar experience -- he and his piano teacher at his boarding school are not a good personality match. In the summer DS took lessons from our home piano teacher, who is a great personality match for DS. In four weeks DS jumped two grade levels on the piano (British system -- grade 3 to grade 5). So my point is if the teacher-student relationship is such that the student is not going to improve, whether because of fear/intimidation or lack of response to the teacher, it would be worth trying a different teacher.

What a horrible story. I couldn't read all of it. I was just talking to my dds about bad situations last night -- there is a girl in their sports club who is constantly talking about buying alcohol, getting drunk, smoking, skipping school, who told about a co-ed sleepover she'd been to over the weekend where several of the girls from the club got drunk, some of the boys came over and got drunk, and who knows what else happened. The more I hear about this girl the more I worry that something is really wrong in her life.