I am glad you asked this question, OP. Given the situation our family is going through right now (see my other thread), some of these responses are extremely helpful as I try to frame a discussion with DD on this very topic. I admit I've never thought much about the difference between secrecy and privacy. It's a very helpful distinction.

You are right. Nothing about her is rational. She honestly cannot understand the consequences of her actions. She is incapable of foreseeing them, and she refuses to listen when DH warns her. We are making plans to build a house, and the truth is, there will not be room in it for her, at least not as long as the children are at home. I have no idea what we will do if it comes to that. Hope DH's brother is willing/able to take her in, I guess. Or possibly that she will inherit her mother's house. But she has four brothers, and I harbor no illusions that they won't insist that everything be divided evenly. They are all so selfish and greedy -- I hope to high heaven DH's grandma has everything spelled out in her will. And BIL is single, intermittently employed, suffers from anxiety, and lives in a one-bedroom apartment. So that's not looking good either. Short of getting a court to order power of attorney, though, I have no idea what else we can do. She has always thought DH is helpless and, frankly, stupid, so she doesn't listen to him. This despite the fact that DH is a successful sales executive who single-handedly supports a family of four, is well-respected in the community and serves on a couple of non-profit boards, has been happily married for 15 years, etc. She is not mentally ill -- at least not to the point that any judge would give us control of her finances. And DH has enough stress on him from work and home; he doesn't need her crap on top of it, especially if SHE refuses to acknowledge the problem and make some effort to fix it.

I am not against my children having secrets, especially with each other, so long as it is not something that could hurt one or both of them. I do think that it is inappropriate for an adult to instruct a child to hide information from his/her parents. There is a difference.

Oh no, we absolutely HAVE NOT paid her debts. We couldn't if we wanted to (and we don't). This is another looooong story, but the help DH was offering was putting together a budget so she can live within her means. Which she refused to do. She is convinced that if she sells her house (which she is now underwater in, thanks to having maxed out her home equity line and letting the house fall apart around her), all will be magically fixed. She is paying on a vacation home that she owns with her brother and mother and can't afford. Her car payment is more than our rent. She's built a house of cards that can only last another year -- two at the most. It's more or less inevitable that she will have to file for bankruptcy. That would probably be a best-case scenario, actually. We have no plans to take responsibility for ANY of that. But, should she come to the point that she's homeless and can't afford to eat, it will be our problem, like it or not. For all his talk, I know DH is not going to let his mother starve. Neither will I, for that matter. But she's not going to take the food from our kids' mouths (or the money from their college funds) because of her stupid decisions. He has begged and pleaded and yelled and reasoned, but she is not budging. She worked for thirty years and deserves to have fun, she says. And now this. She keeps saying this trip is "free" because they will stay at some place that's connected to a time-share her mother owns. But we all know that having a place to stay does not equal "free trip." She literally cannot see that. And, as I said, the cost of the trip is only one of our objections to it.

:party: Woohoo!!!! It's ALWAYS a great thing to have more books!!!

Very true. Fortunately our kids do have three mature grandparents, two of whom they are close to (my parents). We see FIL less often but he is good to them. It still makes me sad. DD has always been close with MIL -- but maybe that's because MIL has acted like a playmate rather than a grandparent. DH is going to tell her that she is running the risk of severing any relationship with her grandchildren if she continues to act this way. We will be limiting contact for sure. There was a possibility that I might be going back to work part-time, which means we would have needed her to baby-sit one day per week. Now I am so relieved that the job fell through.

The only thing I eat ketchup on is French fries. And not even then if they're good and salty. :drool5: Sandwiches usually get mustard or mayo.

Bahahahaha! I was just thinking that I don't drink, but maybe it's time to start...

Nope, she's 10. She's very responsible, but right now I think she would be the adult on the trip. And frankly I feel like she's just too young to be going that far away without an adult I trust 100%. And not only did she NOT clear it with us, we EXPRESSLY said NO! I like this way of explaining the situation. DD is such an easygoing kid, and I don't worry at all about her being angry. But knowing that she will accept the disappointment almost makes it harder to dish it out. :(

A cute pair of boots! Or maybe a new dress coat in red or winter white. :)

I do think there's something wrong, but nobody else seems to, including FIL (they were married 30+ years before they divorced and remain on good terms). DH says, "Of course there's something wrong with her -- she's got no &*^% sense!" She's been like this his whole life. I wouldn't begin to know what you'd call it -- there's some OCD-type stuff, but mostly she's just flat-out dumb, and selfish and disrespectful to boot. The secrecy thing is a serious problem, though. This is not the first time she's told DD not to tell us something. But the last time (that I know of), DD was about 4, and the secret was that MIL let her make peanut butter and ice-cream sprinkle sandwiches for lunch on the days she baby-sat. Which I wasn't happy about, but I didn't see it as a major problem. Maybe I should have. At this point, I don't even think I can trust her to keep the kids for a few hours. Which is unfortunate, as she is the only grandparent who is readily available during the week. And I know she loves the kids. But this is unacceptable.

Several weeks ago, MIL announced that she was going to take DD to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Orlando, 9 hours away. She only told DH and me (and not DD), although it wasn't so much a request as a demand. DH immediately shot the idea down, as his mother is pretty deeply in debt and has no business spending money on a big vacation. (They were in the midst of trying to straighten out her finances at the time.) However, she kept coming back with it. After a few more tries, she declared that she was giving this trip to DD for Christmas. DH said no. Again. Aside from the debt issues (which are big -- she is single with no savings and living by putting groceries and other expenses on her credit cards, and we will be the ones picking up the tab when she winds up destitute), we dislike the idea for several reasons: We just took a major family vacation to Disney World a few months ago. HP is something DD and I have enjoyed getting into together this past year (neither of us had read the books before) and it's something we bonded over. We have differing interests and this doesn't happen often. We had major fun putting together a HP party for her birthday. I was looking forward to taking her to WWoHP myself (in a few years, since the aforementioned DW trip tapped us out for awhile). Although she wants to take along her 25-year-old niece on this trip, MIL has no intention of doing anything of similar import with DS. She has always favored DD a little, and we've had to have discussions about this with her before, but never on this level. For example, she will take DD to the library or out for a milkshake but has to be flat-out told that she has to take DS too. If she wanted one-on-one time with each of them, that would be one thing, but that's not the deal here. Having just visited DW, DS will absolutely know what he's missing out on. MIL seems to think he's major trouble to put up with (and I know I'm biased, but he's not -- he's just not -- he is an energetic 5yo boy, but well-behaved and respectful). This nothing surprising, as she also favors BIL over DH, but he doesn't have any kids for her to spoil. Despite all this, DH and I had (privately) discussed relenting and allowing this trip to go forward, especially after his mother continued to press the issue. We didn't want a major falling out with MIL (well, dh didn't want one... :glare: ). But today, DD confessed that she has known about the trip for over a month, since MIL told her about it. Worse, MIL instructed her not to tell DH or me about it! DH and I both feel that we can't allow this to stand. He is livid. I am actually not so surprised; she's done this kind of thing before. But now we are forced to be the bad guys. We feel like there's no choice but to put our foot (feet?) down and tell DD she can't go. She is a super good kid who deserves to have fun and doesn't deserve to be disappointed. But we just can't let MIL get away with this kind of thing. We will absolutely be having a conversation with DD about what to do when an adult tells her to keep secrets from her parents. Absolutely. The revelation came out during a Thanksgiving meal with my family, so we haven't addressed it yet, but we will. I just can't believe a mature adult would do such a thing. I wouldn't trust her taking my kid to McDonald's right now, much less on a 600-mile trip!!

We've had to do that too. Or call and ask in the most polite way I know how whether kids are invited or it's intended to be adults-only. I would much rather they just make it clear on the invite!

I could leave it at my Mom's, but her fridge will be jammed with goodies already. She used to have an extra fridge in the garage, and that was nice, but it finally bit the dust! It's okay though. He won't have time to make it on Christmas Day anyway -- I can go out bright and early on Saturday and get him one! :)

We don't have a ton of folks to buy for, and most are pretty easygoing and/or make a list so it's not too bad. I haven't bought everything yet (waiting on dh's commission check to round out the holiday budget!!) but I more or less know what I'm getting. DD10 is getting a couple of games for her Nintendo DS, a crystal growing kit, and a pen that "writes" in chocolate. DS5 is getting a Boogie Board tablet, some building toys, Play-Doh, and a neat pulley system that allows you to pull little baskets back and forth. My dad is making him a box with all different kinds of nuts, bolts, etc. that he cant mount to the box, with his own set of real tools and a toolbox. He will probably love that more than anything from Santa! There will be a few little additions that I pick up from sales online or at the dollar section at Target and stuff in their stockings. I'm most excited about DH, though. I'm getting him a nice set of luxury shaving items (thanks to input from the Hive!) and a bacon curing kit. I can't wait to see his face -- he LOVES to smoke different kinds of meats and he's never made bacon. I've been debating about whether I should have a pork belly on hand because I suspect he'll want to do it right away. But not really sure how on earth I'd hide 5lbs of pork belly in the fridge so he won't see it...

Agree. Our first home was also a HUD foreclosure. Really not any different than buying from a private seller, and most if not all of them qualify for government-backed financing, especially if you are going to live in the home yourself for a certain number of years, so that helps. We were able to finance at 100% and still take out a home equity line on the instant equity to renovate. You definitely want to look for something that is structurally sound and just needs cosmetic work. IIRC, you need an agent to submit your bid, so find one who's familiar with the process. You can look online at www.hud.gov at the ones currently for sale in your area. I do it periodically just for fun. :)

Seconding the Cozy Coupe. My ds has adored it since he could walk. It's still his favorite outdoor activity by far and he's 5. Dd loved it too, when she was younger. Now they sometimes play together, with dd pushing ds up and down the driveway as fast as she can. A tricycle or big wheel could be a good bet too. He's also enjoyed climbing toys. We had an outdoor castle with a climbing wall, slide, etc. that wasn't terribly expensive. It wouldn't last long-term like a big playground set, but you could get a couple of years out of it. Mostly my boy just loves to run. He's enjoyed trying to catch insects with a butterfly net and loves chasing bubbles too. Maybe a bubble machine? You could turn it on and let him loose!

You are very kind to say this. I am unbelievably touched. You all have been so kind. Thank you.

Aww, you guys are the best! Thank you so much. :001_wub: DH says I am way too hard on myself. I am a serious perfectionist and when I commit to something it can take on extreme intensity. Even if this job is only 10 hours/week, I know it will take up so much more space than that in my head. I wish I was not that way and I could turn it on and off, but I know from experience that I can't. Ironically, I can waste so much time and energy obsessing over how I should be able to let something go... Unfortunately, I have a feeling that I will burn some bridges when I turn this down. At least in the sense of there being any future employment there. Which is a shame, given how open they have been to working the position exactly to my schedule. But after agonizing over it for weeks, I had such a huge sense of relief when I finally told my boss that I don't see it working out. She has asked me to reconsider, but I think I have to stand firm. You know, part of what is bothering me is that I feel like my mother is one who thinks I need to suck it up. She hasn't said so outright (she wouldn't), but I get that sense. Of course, she also seemed to think home schooling was a bad idea when we first considered it (she thought it would be too isolating for me), and it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have never loved anything half so much as I love being at home and teaching my kids, and they love it too. So perhaps it's okay to make the best decision FOR ME, even if it's not what she thinks is best. She would never berate my decision or anything like that, but I hate the feeling that I've disappointed her. But what you say here about your own experience makes me feel so much better. Am I really not the only woman who wants to crawl under the covers and cry just thinking about trying to juggle it all? (And, okay, sometimes actually does crawl under the covers and cry just thinking about it?) Because so many moms seem to make it work. If it's not just something that's wrong with me, then I can embrace it. Bring on the peace!!

My former employer has contacted me about returning to work. They know the we home school and have bent over backwards to accommodate that. The job would only be 10 hours/week, with one day (6 hours or so) in the office and an additional 4 hours from home. There is a 45-minute commute on top of that, but only one day per week. They are offering a salary that I wouldn't be able to find anywhere for the number of hours I would work. For most people, it would be a dream come true. But I really, really, really don't want the job. This place stresses me out to no end. I can't even say exactly why. I get along great with my immediate supervisor, but her boss (who I would interact with frequently) and I do not see eye to eye on practically anything. But more than that, I am not the type of person who multitasks well. School and home and church responsibilities keep me plenty busy. I tend to be intense about the particular things I focus on and really stress about not doing anything as well as I should when I am stretched too thin. I have finally lost a substantial amount of weight after battling food my whole life, and the stress will lead me back down that path. I've already gained just worrying about the decision. We do not *need* the income right now. We just purchased a tract of land and hope to build a house in the next 12-18 months. This cash would go a long way towards helping us do that. We will still be able to do it either way; this job just might make things go faster. DH thinks it will be best for everyone if I say no. But I know that deep down part of him wishes I could take the job without melting down so we could have the money. I wish that too. :( I know that if I add anything else to my plate, I will be on overload... and I am not a pleasant person when that happens. That is an understatement, actually. Although seeing it typed out above just reinforces the feeling that I am a total wimp and loser for not being able to make this happen. Please help me feel better about this decision. I really do think it's the right one.

Lizard Lick? :lol: I know of a pair of sisters named Princess and Precious.

Is that pronounced phonetically -- DAG-nee? I once worked for a church where unusual names for kids were all the rage. I remember a Bagby (a girl, pronounced just like it looks) and a Trueheart Bird (also a girl, and Bird was the middle name, not their last). There was a baby boy named Pinckney (no good nickname for that one)... oh, and the sisters, Zora and Doon. There were more... a lot more. I think I've told this one here before, but when ds was in the NICU the nurses swore to us they'd once cared for a baby named La—a. (Hint: Pronounce the punctuation.) That might be the equivalent of the "board stretcher" joke to a nurse, but they swore up and down it was true. I might not believe it, but my mom worked for years in the medical records department of a hospital and saw all manner of insane names, including Pajama and a set of newborn twins, Lemonjello and Orangejello.

Wow... I had no idea this was so complicated! :) DH has sensitive skin and is still prone to breakouts if he doesn't have the "right" razor. It took him a long time to find one that worked for him. He has used the Gillette Fusion for several years and that seems to work well. I'm not sure if he would switch, but would a nice safety razor be better for sensitive skin than the drug-store cartridge variety? How on earth do I know what kind to pick?

DH is not really a "metrosexual" kind of guy, but I think he would enjoy a set of nice shaving products (shave cream, moisturizer, aftershave, etc.). I'd like to get him some for Christmas. Any recommendations?

No one ignores them, per se. But MIL blatantly prefers dd to ds. We have had to discuss with her on multiple occasions why she can't take dd on outings, etc. and not take ds. It would be fine if she wanted to spend one-on-one time with each of them on separate occasions, but she clearly doesn't. And we're not talking major stuff either. There's no reason to take a 10yo to the library or for a milkshake and NOT be willing to take a 5yo. But she seems to think he's still a toddler who won't notice or that he's such a handful it's too much trouble for her to manage him (he's a wiggly little boy, but quite well-behaved). This culminated recently in her plan to take dd on a trip to the amusement parks in Orlando, but not ds. We had to put our foot down on that one. We just went to Disney in February, and he would absolutely know what he's missing. If we had any confidence she would do something with him in the future, it would be one thing, but we don't. Too bad your in-laws don't know what they're missing!!