Hmmm. I see your point. It's just that OT is $$ even with insurance, and insurance only gives us 30 visits per year. It all adds up fast, and we just haven't seen much benefit. Maybe I'll look into the free app.

Yes! These are the sorts of results I'd like to see, especially the control of emotional reactions. I'm tempted to give Brain Beats a try. It would cost about a third of what 15 sessions of IM with our OT would, if she even does IM. And we'd have it available for our older dd or for "tune-ups" later.

Medication would be great, but I've held back on trying to get attention increased that way because we're already using some pretty heavy-duty meds for basic emotional control. I'm just unwilling to add one more thing into the cocktail if it isn't really needed, kwim? And she can focus for fifteen minutes or so. Sitting quietly when needed isn't really an issue, always assuming emotions aren't engaged. So the idea of a way to stretch focus and maybe self-control, without adding more medications, becomes appealing. Plus the Brain Beats games look like maybe she'd do them willingly, which would be a huge plus. If there was a general improvement in executive function, including emotional regulation, that would be really very worthwhile. Actually, OP, I read your description of Sophie and thought it sounded very much like my dd. There's the sensory-seeking love of strong hugs, and the general spunkiness, and the temper. We have all that. :-)

I don't want to derail the thread, but does anyone know if IM helps with *sustained* attention? Dd11 does pretty well focusing attention over a short time, but has problems over longer periods. She has no particular problems clapping with a basic metronome, but I'm not sure how she would manage with more complicated rhythms.

Google "autism and breaking things". The sensation of the tension in the object when it is at breaking point can satisfy an emotional and/or sensory need for some kids. It may be a manifestation of his stress. Of course, impulse control issues could also be in play. I'd keep going with evaluations. In the mean time, could you assemble a box of things he is encouraged to break, disassemble, and otherwise play with? Cans, boxes, or plastic bottles to squish or tear apart, newspapers to shred, old appliances from yard sales or thrift shops to do with as he pleases. Actively encourage him to destroy approved items every day, and see if you can head off unapproved destruction. Heavy physical outdoor activity might also help. Could you get a big sand pile and encourage play there? Or let him dig a hole to China? Eta: yes, you'll need to supervise him more closely. He is not ready to be left alone.

My brother and I had a somewhat detached but basically good relationship before our parents needed care. I was the one who was physically close enough to help them substantially as they declined; he lived farther away. He respected my decisions, listened to me gripe, called to talk to my parents often, and occasionally visited. After their death we were both executors but he took the lead, which I appreciated very much. He did a much better job than I could have at that point. Now we have a somewhat detached but basically good relationship. We're just very different people, in different worlds, and don't have a lot in common, but I think we each care about and respect the other.

And also, it's possible to say "yes, this is a priority" without having "we will do this here and now" be the corollary. You can make swimming a priority, and develop a plan to make it happen. It might happen slowly, or in fits and starts. You can lay out a plan of steps with rewards for each. You can talk with the pool managers about acceptable swimsuit alternatives. You can figure out a way to make it work at some stage without needing to do it all this way, right now. Anyway, good luck.

The thing about whether to insist on swimming or not is tricky. I completely get saying that it's a necessary life skill. But I also get how hard it is with sensory issues and/or ASD. As I said above, we dropped it for a couple of years when the kids were utterly freaking out over having their hair get wet or water splash their faces. We had the sort of screaming that made every kid and adult in the pool stop what they were doing and stare. No learning was happening for our kids during those swimming lessons. We quit. Ours were only, I don't know, 4 and 6 then? Maybe a bit older? Waiting made sense. They did actually like the pool, they just had limits to what they could tolerate. So we waited a couple of years, and then signed them up for private lessons but still didn't rejoin the local pool until they had gotten to the stage of really being able to deal with getting splashed and putting their heads under the water. Moxie's son is older I think, so it's probably harder to just wait. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. I do know with my children, pushing sensory issues is really tough. It sounds like anxiety is an issue too. Maybe just talking things over with him in a calm moment and trying to make a plan he can follow through on? Or even, if you have a suitable space, putting an above-ground pool in the back yard and teaching him there, letting him skinny-dip? Wal-Mart had some a few weeks go in the $20-40 range, so not breaking the bank. I'd try to address the swimming separately from the sensory issue if possible I think. I've just never had any luck trying to force an issue when a kid is beyond rationality over this sort of thing.

I'm so sorry. I've been there, and it's rotten. Huge hugs and sympathy. My only real suggestions would be that, first, we've never had much luck fighting these battles "in the moment." We have better luck making a plan later when the dc is calm. And, second, some battles may not be worth fighting. We quit swimming for a couple of years and returned when there was a little more maturity and ability to cope. That may or may not work for you, I know. Best wishes.

Yes! This is one we have and have used a lot, too. I think of it as a book for tweens and younger kids rather than teens, perhaps based on the ages of the kids in the pictures. Not sure what age you're teaching, but it's very good.

Look at Betty Crocker Cooking Basics. If it's the one I'm thinking of, it includes techniques and lots of illustrations, and is spiral-bound to lie flat on the counter.

Thanks so much for the suggestions! I'll look up the videos you mention. Yes, this is a hunter/jumper barn. All that I can find locally are, but people suggesting there may be smaller, less-publicized options are probably right. I'll try to find out. It's not even that I object to the h/j aspect, really. I could see letting dd move toward that eventually, if she maintains her interest. It's just that she hasn't even been riding a whole year yet. Shehas so much to learn. And the attitude at the barn seems to be that the kids who are on the show team, and have their own horses, get the attention. They get time during lessons to ride, while she's in the middle of the ring watching them. She's told to practice counting their strides. Now obviously she rides some, more some weeks than others, but much less if the showing kids are around. And they're happy to talk with us about joining the show team. But my gosh, the costs!!! And I just don't think that makes sense for her at her present level, but she's getting the idea that "this is what you do." She thinks I'm not taking her interest seriously because I'm hesitant about this sort of involvement at this time. Because what she sees are kids owning horses and entering them in shows that cost $100+/class, plus all kinds of extras. They do have her groom, tack up, clean her tack, etc., but when she has trouble managing a horse, she feels self-conscious asking for more instruction. The expectation is that after the initial instruction, she should be able to do it. The "working student" idea sounds very much like what I used to do when I was her age. That stable offered reduced tuition for help over the summer around the barn. I guess if I'd continued I might be in a better position to help her. When I mentioned that possibility to her, she said "but the students don't have to clean the stalls, mom! They board their horses, and the stable hires people for that!" She just doesn't see that being done by kids as part of the whole horse-ownership deal, and that bugs me as much as the emphasis on showing. Anyway, thanks to all who replied. I appreciate your ideas.

Thanks, guys. I'll ask around about "working student" options. I appreciate the information.

No answers, but I am so sorry for what your father and your family are experiencing. How awful. It shouldn't be this way.

No friends who own horses, no. There is someone a couple of miles away, but I've never felt comfortable just knocking on the door of a stranger and saying "could you introduce us to your horses?" ;-) And, also, I don't know them, and I'd want to before sending dd over. But I have often wished I did know them.

If you did not grow up with parents who had horses, how did you learn about horses yourself? What would you recommend for tweens or teens who are interested? Our current situation involves weekly group lessons, but I'm not crazy about the stable. It seems to derive more income from boarding than from lessons, and most of the kids in lessons own (and board) their own horses. The stable heavily pushes involvement in very expensive shows, which I'm not certain I really want dd getting involved in. After talking to local horse people, there don't seem to be other stables which are very good alternatives. They are all very focused on these shows. It's been many years since my own riding days, but I remember a greater emphasis on horsemanship beyond just riding. We had shows, yes, but they were school shows, with low entry fees and relatively informal dress. We were encouraged to hang around the barn and help out and learn during the summer. This stable does have a one-week summer camp, in which dd will participate, but it still doesn't sound like it involves much actual horse care: mainly riding and swimming. So... Has horse culture changed since the '80s? Is there generally more emphasis on expensive shows, or is this a local thing? And, how do kids learn to care for their horses? I'm not opposed to letting dd get more involved with horses if her interest continues, but I am scared of everything to do with owning a horse right now. I do not know enough, and I'm not sure we have deep enough pockets. And I just don't really like what I think I'm seeing: lessons focused on riding but not on broader horsemanship, and a goal of horse ownership and heavy competition in expensive shows. Shouldn't there be another component of actually *learning about* horses? How does that happen? And, btw, dd is already in the only 4-H horse option locally, but it is very limited and really can't teach much. Think 2 hours/month involvement, 6 months/year, ages 5- 16. Anyway, I'd be grateful for any advice you can give.

Ummm. Time to go see if any boxes of books are in the attic. I'm seriously going to have to get rid of some things over the summer.

Ouch. Back pain is a compelling argument for culling.

Well, for us, we've got a standard ranch house on a crawl space, roughly fifty years old, probably average construction quality. I have no real reason to think there's a problem, but we do have a *lot* of books. The worry just lurks in the back of my mind a bit. Eta: 1st floor here, concentrated around the outside of a few rooms.

Does anyone else ever worry that the collective weight of their home library might actually endanger the structural stability of their house? Laughing here, as I try to sort and organize at the end of the school year, but also wishing I could add on a purpose-built library.

Some years back, my elderly mother's cat needed bloodwork, and I was shocked at what the vet said it cost. I found out exactly what was needed, went home, and called every vet in the area asking for a quote. Some gave us a price, others refused. Most were pretty high (and, to be fair, I know bloodwork does get expensive). But we did find one place that was lower than the rest. It's in a decidedly less ritzy part of town. We tried them out and have been consistently impressed over a period of years now. They are kind, responsible, and clearly have the animals' best interests at heart. Vet care is still expensive. It just is. These days it's possible to do so much for animals, and as responsible pet owners we want to do it. But you may find, as we did, that there are different vets catering to different markets in your area. You don't need to go to Trickie-Woo's Spa and Pet Resort if Dr. Goodvet out in the county is available.

Huge hugs. I went through something similar when my father died. He had practiced internal medicine for many decades, going back to the 1960s and 1970s. He had answered the phone in the middle of the night, met his patients at the emergency room when they needed to go in, and made house calls to the folks who needed them. He cared for them in the office, in the hospital, and at home, over decades, and he knew them and understood what they needed. When he needed care, we couldn't begin to match the care he had provided. The only way we could begin to approach it was through his few remaining personal connections within the local medical community. He was both rueful and philosophical about the situation. He said that, as a society, we've opted to provide fantastic specialist care, which no one could have envisioned when he trained in the '50s, instead of generalist care that follows the patient the way he did. He was enthralled and delighted by the procedures which are now possible, and depressed that he couldn't see his own doctor in the hospital. He really hated the idea of hospitalists who lack a long familiarity with their patients. I'm sure there are others who can comment more knowledgeably on why things are the way they are now, but surely insurance and liability play big roles, as well as drug companies. There is so much money in the system, and so little knowledge of the patients as individual people. I wish I had more help to offer. It's so hard to witness. I'll be thinking of you and your father and wishing you both comfort and peace.

Listening in with interest. HFA is part of the equation for us too, for my younger girl. I've been both glad to find something the girls can have fun with together and a bit leery of anyone getting too caught up and focused on this.

That's good. Glad they can tell.

That's awful. Not liking it, just because it's awful. I'm glad that in this case it was clear who was causing the trouble and you could get him removed. One thing this situation has made me wonder about is how we'd ever figure out who was responsible if we were on a server with others.