I guess I want her to admit her thinking is faulty because then she could address it usefully. I can see her iPod choices in my history because we have the same account. Her music choices last night were all pretty disturbing. I need her to realize a solid 2 hours of songs about suicide probably isn't helpful. I'm scared.

Thank you all so much. Here's an update. She has been home 6 days and on meds for 13. She has thrown herself back into school full force. She returned Friday and made up 9 missed days of work in 3. She is upset that she will probably lose valedictorian because she just couldn't make everything up as well as she would like. Finals are today and tomorrow and the stress is showing on her. I think she is moving at a crazy busy pace to keep her thoughts at bay. I have serious concerns about that. She worked Saturday and Sunday and had a basketball game last night. That all sounds good but that is the pace she was moving while suicidal.. She does say she thinks the meds are helping her " think straight." Yesterday we finally got to do registration at the mental health center. She talked to a counselor for about 10 minutes ( sigh). She refused group therapy. She says that in the hospital it just made her angry. I let it go. She has another counseling session 1/3 and a psychiatrist appointment 2/14. We are strained but she hasn't been rude. I'm anxious and worried and think she should 1. Slow down and 2. Admit something is wrong. Baby steps. Some days better than others. She did agree to me doling out her meds and signed papers so I can make her appointments. The big thing I notice is pre-hospital she never went to school not " done" but yesterday and today she wore no make up. I pray she doesn't slide down again. That rambled but I need to unload all this worry and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thank you all for your prayers and concern. Truly!

I wear cheap Walmart cuddle duds under a UA winter pair of tights and shirt. Over the shirt goes a fleece pull over and a reflective long sleeve top ( think construction worker, I got I at the hardware store). I wear lined mittens and a fleece gait tear up over my head and lower face. I am a cold person. My friend uses one layer less than I and she is fine. This get up got me through this morning's 3 degrees.

I've been watching it. Riveting and horrifying.

I understand. You know it goes on but it feels wrong. I also feel like it sucks how for the rest of the world nothing has changed while your world is no longer the same. :grouphug: Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

Stocking candy 😀

No S ( no snacks, no seconds, no sugar) except sometimes on days starting with S. I would also focus on lots of fruit and vegetables.

It is so very hard to be scared. It feels so lonely. I'm praying for your health, wise doctors and your peace of mind.

Sending you my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

We had our family session yesterday. Either she is a great actress, the medicine is working or both but after discussion she is home. Her final diagnosis is major depression with psychosis. The doctor feels the ssri's she was on we're making things worse. She is on zyprexa a which treats schizophrenia, bi-polar and a host of other things. We have an initial appointment with another psych on 12/22. I hate that the wait to see people is so long. I want her to have support NOW! I have no illusions that this is going to go smoothly but at least she is vastly improved from last Friday. Continued prayers please. The Hive's support has been so helpful to me. Thank you.

I am so,so,so sorry. You are in my prayers.

I am very, very sorry for your loss. I have a Christmas ornament in the shape of a dove with my mom's name on it. It at least acknowledges her. I like the heartonyourwrist idea. Again, all my sympathies.

I'm cool with whatever you bane your kid BUT if you spell Brain instead of Brian and then get peeved at me for "mispronouncing" it I may have unkind thoughts about you. (True story from the annals of rural public health lived by me, not a "friend" ) Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

Me too :-) Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

My 3 youngest kids and I did a group counseling session which helped a lttle. She has called me to make requests for clothes and books and school work. She wasn't warm but was appropriate. She had friendly conversations with her sibs on the phone. Tomorrow we have a family therapy session with her, dh and I to determine if she can go home. She is still angry at me and the therapists they say. She openly says she wants to be angry and it's her choice. Lots more but mostly I'm trudging because I have to. Thank you for asking. The support helps. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

Trust me, Lisa ( or Leesa, Lesa, Lise) still gets misspelled. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

Yep, Harmony. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am adrift but sadly not alone. She is a senior in high school she functions well there and reports it is the only place she is happy. She wants to go back. Today or tomorrow we have a family session to determine if she will agree to a safety plan. Weirdly she might come home or she might be committed. That seems like such a gap. I am trying to accept I have no control but for a " fixer" and problem solver that is hard.

Unusual naming is nothing new though. My grandfather's given first name was Orange. I think they misheard or spelled Orrin. He had a sister named Rethal. My maternal grandmother was Hazel but her middle name was Pomeroy. I do like vowels though. My dd attended pre-school with Hrmny.

:grouphug: I'm sorry you still feel so ill. Be patient. Viruses stink.

Yes, And psychosis. And borderline personality. But she is oriented to the world, answers with humor and intelligence when she will talk. She doesn't have any of the things they look for leading up to this. Her descent has been so rapid! I broke my own rules and looked at her texts, messages, pictures, etc. they were all oriented and appropriate. Nothing dark. Nothing confused. She is just set that it is her life and just like she can choose a job she can choose death. The scholarship notifications keep coming in the mail and that darn near is breaking my heart.

Right now her plan is to be homeless. I'm not sure about her agreeing. She wants to die on 4/3/2017 and is not on board with anyone stopping her. It may be that we have to have her retained by a judge. The psychiatrist is working on it. She can't walk the streets of a city with no coat or place to go. That's not what I want to do but my hand see tied. At this point she is refusing to take meds or talk. She is very, very angry but other than blaming me for her hospitalization she won't discuss it.

I will make this my last post as things are on an obvious downward spiral. I just need to vent one more time. They did an MRI yesterday to rule out a physical cause. She has the team stumped. No family history, no evidence of drug use, great grades, popular, absolutely no trouble with the law but getting steadily worse. She consented to see me last evening but became verbally and physically abusive. Was then verbally abusive to her psychiatrist. She refused her meds. She says she is going to sign out AMA and find a homeless shelter. Or just sleep outside. It is 20 degrees and she has no coat. The doctor feels we will have to put her into a long term facility against her will. From late September to now seems like such a fast descent and it really feels like a death. Please continue to pray. I don't know how I will get through removing her from school and returning her gear, telling family and friends and keeping life tolerable for her siblings. This is a small community with a giant gossip mill. It will be hard for them.

The merry-go-round spins faster. The psychiatrist thought she was doing so well we had a phone conference. She immediately became angry with me. She does nit want her dad or I to love her. We should quit caring. She wants to come home today. I said it sounds like she wants a hotel with no cost and she said yes, that's it. I asked what she would do if I don't pick her up and she said live in her friend's car. The psych tried to talk to her and she said she was done and left. I can't keep up. She shocked the doctor so imagine how I feel. Please tell me I'm not a horrible, horrible mother for not wanting her in my house right niw. My younger 3 are all worrying. I'm calling a counselor for them this afternoon. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk