The hive has your back, Footballmom. As someone who nearly wrecked her health and marriage with eldercare, please take the following advice very seriously. Do the bare minimum when it comes to household stuff. It doesn't matter in a hundred years if the house got dusted this week or the vacuum run everyday or whatever. Keep meals simple, very little cooking. Salads, fresh fruit, hummus and pre cut veggies, baked potatoes and steamed broccoli, no frills just easy but nutritious. Take out can be a godsend when strssed, but over all, eating poorly will make you loose energy. Take special care of sleep hygiene. Do not be tempted to go to bed late in order to "get the things done" nor get up early for the same. Get a routine in place and do all the things that will help you sleep well at night. MAKE one hour a day to decompress. Bath, read a book, take a walk, ride the exercise bike, meet a friend, whatever works for you but absolutely do it and do not feel guilty! Caregivers can no longer give if they are all used up or like me, wake up in the ER on IV's for dehydration, and getting lectured by the doctor about what happens to the body when it is utterly exhausted. Trust me. That isn't fun, and it wasn't exactly helpful to my husband and our teens sons. Medical science is a wonderful thing. But it is also a two edged sword. We have people living a lot longer, decades longer, but not healthy, not independently. Our generation is being bulldozed by this as we deal with parents who may live 20-30 in terrible condition while still raising kids, while still working, while facing our own health problems, and the system, our leadership, doesn't care and really just wants us to carry it all on our shoulders. We have to fight back and take care of ourselves so that our kids do not face that same bulldozer running over them, and elders need to face the fact that they cannot have such egregiously inappropriate expectations of their own adult children. Take time to care for you.

This is what I would do. Medicaid does not pay for in home care under these circumstances, nor drop in care, assisted living, etc. They only pay for nursing home care. We tried to get that changed in our state because assisted living is actually cheaper for the tax payers per month in most of our locales than nursing home, and is a better fit for many patients. Legislators refused. They felt that if they changed it, many elders would be placed in assisted living costing the state a bundle. They were entirely indifferent to the needs of the people and their families, the burdens families face, and the fact that many elders have no family members to assist them. So it was really disgusting. Since she has no money to pay for caregivers out of pocket, she likely has no choice. She needs to get on waiting lists for area nursing homes.

Same here. My mother has too much house for her needs, and the house is not conducive to age in place. But she can't sell it and downsize affordably. There is almost zero handicap accessible housing in the county. One set of apartments in the county seat, one set of condos in the town north of us. That is it. There are years long waiting lists for the apartments, and the condos are way higher priced than she can get for her house. So she will be staying put. Her house has a wheelchair ramp on it so that is helpful because she uses it with her cane eliminating the use of steps. As for what is working right, that is a tough one. From my perspective, so many systems are entirely broken or were never good to begin with. I did think of one today, and that is the Michigan Department of Natural Resources. It is such a well run agency, lots of accountability, and the people who work for it have tremendous integrity. They are deeply committed to protecting and managing the state's natural resources, and quite frankly, with the amount of money they get, pretty darn efficient and get a lot done. Their educational programs are excellent. I used to lead an environmental/ecology 4H club in addition to our STEM and rocketry club. I used a ton of materials from the DNR that were free to educators. Those materials were fantastic. I would take them any day over a public school textbook that covers the same materials. I feel like the nation could learn some things from them. I know not every state has this level of resource management, and that is pretty scary given what we face in the next 30 years of climate disaster. When it comes though to most government programs, I think we are hurting to come up with ones that are really getting the job done. Seems the wheels have fallen off the train.

It is splendid! I am a big sucker for any plant with purple flowers. Lavender is in fact my very favorite color.

I am so sorry Melissa. So sorry. Many hugs!

I have been pulling plants, dehydrating more red chilies which are being finely chopped into red pepper flake. It is warm, very summery but comfortable and glorious so it is really nice to be outdoors. I have a few scallions yet to harvest, and I need to do work the beds, fertilize, compost, and cover with leaves for the winter. (I ended up not being able to get enough radish seeds locally to do a cover crop.) Today was the last day of canning/pickling. I have about 200 jars of food mostly pints and quarts but a few pickled banana peppers and jalapenos in half pints. I am still dehydrating apples. I might be at that a while yet. I have been sitting with colored pencils and grid paper drawing up plans for spring. We don't have a green house so we won't be growing through the winter. I feel a little sad about that. How are all of you faring? Are our southern hemisphere gardeners gearing up, already started? I live vicariously through you now for about six months!

I am so sorry. For the time being, you really do have to let sibling and spouse do this. You have to keep your job, you have to take care of your dh. But, there is one thing that maybe you and dh's sibling could agree on, and that is that she will have to take uber or hire a non professional driver to take her to a lot of these appointments. It may not be ideal for her to not have a relative with her, but don't let the perfect/ideal be the enemy of good enough. Let her medical providers know that the family is in emergency crisis mode and will not be able to provide transport. Sometimes they know of local providers of driving services. Make MIL take some responsibility for lining up drivers if she is cognitively male to do it. And if she is able but unwilling, then become comfortable with her making the choice to not get to all of these follow up appointments. Eldercare is very hard. Very very hard. They can become real terrors to their own family, refusing to be reasonable, and sometimes because they have the right to make bad, bad decisions, we have to let it go, and then allow them to reap the consequences of those choices. For my MIL, it is going to be ending up dying alone at the bottom of her porch steps because she refuses to allow a wheelchair ramp to be put on her house, and she has no balance, teeters like she is drunk, refuses to go to physical therapy which would help a lot, won't use her cane, and has C-spine degeneration so if she falls, she probably going to break her neck. Dh and his brother are done arguing with her. But while she thinks if something awful happens, we will take full time medical care of her in her house, she is going to be in a nursing facility if she survives. She has been told that too. She has convinced herself that we are just trying to bully her into having the wheelchair ramp and using her cane and walker. It isn't a threat; it is a promise. It is okay to back off and let the chips fall if she refuses to cooperate with finding other drivers, paying Uber and Lyft, etc.

Yes, my niece, caveat they are legally married.But the principles would work for an unmarried set of parents. She and her husband are separated but not divorced because they wanted to work out an arrangement for their son that would have safe involvement and restrictions from the state. They bought a house that had a mother in law suite downstairs with a small but nice kitchen, big bedroom, living area, etc. and a lovely two bedroom, big kitchen, bath, dining upstairs, multiple entrances. Dad lives downstairs, mom lives upstairs, and their son goes between his parents at will. They each contribute 50% of the household expenses including repairs and maintenance. One parent has to travel a lot for work, so this works out great because that parent then has easy access and parenting time with child when home. They spend Valentine's Day, Easter, 4th if July, child's birthday, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day together as a family, and plan those events together so that their son participates in family cooking and the festivities are not marred by having to go travel between parents. They have a policy of mutual respect of each other's private space and if they date. They will divorce when he graduates high school and leaves for college, able to make his own decisions about when and where to see his parents. It is a very mature situation. They do it well, and are devoted to their child. But, these are two personalities for whom a shared personal life, being in each other's space and life all the time left them both depressed and struggling. They just were not compatible, but didn't figure that out until they had married, and because she was 36 and he was 40 when hitched, they chose to have a child right away so they didn't figure out how much they were not well suited for each other until there was a child. Little nephew is very well adjusted. He has been told over and over that they love him with all their hearts, he is the best thing that ever happened to them, and just because mommy and daddy have to have a lot of space from each other and are not like other married moms and dads, it doesn't mean they are not a family. They will always be a family. Both of them do genuinely care that the other person is healthy and content. They do not wish ill on the other, or defame each other. Something like this requires the maturity on both parts to be willing to not hurt the other person in retribution for the relationship not working out. I think often times even if one party is willing, the other side is not.

Spot on.

Right there with you. We don't want to take down the one maple, but it is getting to be a hazard. So now we have to do it $950, and they do not have to clean up the mess just anything that might fall into the road because we will cutting and splitting it for firewood. If they had to clean it up, mulch the small branches, etc. $1500. We should have set more aside.

This is what are experiencing. There were large numbers of homeschooling families in the area back when our kids were elementary/middle school age. We were acquainted with many of them though I would not call most of them our inner circle because we were outliers since most of them were not classical homeschoolers, much less heavy math and science oriented. But, still, we knew of there families, were aware of their religious leanings, and crossed paths often at the library. I did the math. The divorce rate is astronomical. Well above the national average. These are folks who are religiously affiliated with deep, dim views of divorce. I think for a lot of relationships, staying out of the work force for the bulk of the marriage to raise kids and homeschool while maybe very good for the kids was a real detriment to the marital relationship.

I am sitting here trying to think of what ceramic things I own. Hmmmm....coming up empty. I have glassware, but I can't think of a single ceramic thing other than the crockpot lining. To be honest, I never use my crockpot anymore. I should get rid of it. To be honest, I also do not find most ceramic things attractive and wonder about the use of some of the odd shapes.

We are masking, N95, at supermarket, pharmacy, farm store, and lumber yard/hardware which are really the only places we how and are indoors with a lot of people. The summer in Michigan has been pretty glorious so we spend a lot of time outdoors and doing things with family. This winter, we will be pretty well hunkered down. We are supposed to get our covid boosters in a week and half, but niece just got engaged and is getting married in March. Big wedding indoors and we would really like to go. Now we are considering putting off the booster, being careful through Christmas, and then getting it the beginning of February so we have fresh immunity for the wedding. We really want to attend. But we know it will be a covid spreader event. That side of the family is anti-vax and anti-common sense really. Mark's brother has had it twice now, and sister in law three times. Their church was a super spreader in their county back in 2020 and 2021. So I think we need to either wait and be freshly boosted or bow out. We have missed just about all of their family events, celebrations, and funerals for three straight years. We are inclined to go. We are also considering just the ceremony, and then only making a brief reception appearance, not eating there, and leaving to go back to our hotel room with take out food so we aren't just lingering for hours in a crowded venue.

Twice a year our investment/finance guy has a pastry breakfast for his clients. Though we do not really need the info since we have our own personal reviews with him, dh goes anyway because the specialty coffee and chocolate croissants are apparently "divine". 😂

I have a former colleague who lives in Vermont and posted this question to her. She loves Vermont, loves the very stark four seasons, and enjoys a rural, quiet lifestyle, loves the landscape. She enjoys outdoor activities like skiing in winter and hiking the summer. She also HATES being hot, and the summers are pretty mild which is a plus for her. Interestingly, 1/3 of students attend schools heated with wood/biomass, and 38% of the population uses wood as primary or secondary heat. This is much higher than Michigan, and probably ranks them up with Maine for biomass heating. She says she would be concerned for folks who cannot stand humidity and mold/mildew because it seems like there is high relative humidity. Vermont ranks number one for infant mortality and is highly rated for general healthcare. Her grandkids are in public school, and she feels that they are getting a good education. It is one of the states that is in a decent position to weather climate change. Taxes are stout so she says make sure you have thoroughly calculated if you can afford to live there.

Bummer. Make Dd post about it! 😁😁😁

That course sounds really interesting, Rosie. I hope you will post about it as you are learning.

Very irregular. If this was a neighbor who had been a lifelong friend and was also the paid caregiver, then maybe. This is just weird. I would say no with few words of explanation, and then ghost the person after that.

We are putting 22% away for retirement. Thankfully, we have been saving for decades so if we needed to reduce the % it would be okay. We also have a small but growing fund for a trip to Denmark, and another one for small amount of acreage up north for summer vacationing as we age. We want a place near lots of trails, a lake big enough to sail on as well as kayak, and with a good perk test for well, septic, and cabin. We won't actually make that dream come true until after Mark's mum passes away. I am considering taking a part time STEM education position in order to beef up contributions to that project.

No, it was slow coming into stock here, and then there was a back up for appointments at the only in net-work pharmacy in our area. I am schedule for Oct. 12. BUT, I may cancel it and reschedule to January. We just found out that our niece got engaged and is getting married in March. It will be a big wedding, and our only crowd event for 2024 since Mark and I really just do not do much congregating in groups these days. We N95 mask for grocery shopping and what not, and otherwise don't socialize except our little pod of elderly mothers and adult kids who also mask and are very careful. But brother in law and family are NOT careful. They believe the guest list will be 250 people, so if 80% attend, that's 200 people all in close quarters indoors. We are thinking it might be best to hunker down here and just keep being extra careful, and then get our boosters at the end of January or beginning of February so we hopefully have really good immunity for the wedding.

This!

These people should not live in NC. They are nuts. If they live east of the Rockies, and south of the Ohio River Valley, they are going to have mold spores. It just isn't possible to eliminate them. I am flabbergasted that they even think a moisture barrier is the solution if she has such intense issues. Dawn, could you just stay in one place for a while and let your son use the apartment, try to give him privacy? It seems like you are being hammered on all sides. Maybe think again about listing it in the spring with a new realtor after you have sued the fraud people to get your money back.

Here is one big glaring proof of how widespread misogyny is: The Equal Rights Amendment was never ratified. No one will renew the amendment and attempt to ratify it again because they have no faith that the needed 38 states will vote for it. Recently legislation that would have guaranteed bathroom breaks and water for pregnant women failed to pass congress. Seeing women as something other than full humans is rampant today.

Mark is afraid of this too. He has been wondering if Rogaine would help his receding hairline and thicken his hair. He has a light mousy color hair naturally so his grey actually blends. But the recent receding hairline and thinness concerns him, and his face is really looking aged from stress. His tech group has been cut to the bone, and though he keeps surviving these cutbacks, he is very worried about what would happen if he had to look for another job. His resume` is outstanding, but ageism is so bad in tech. He did tell me he is very concerned for one of his female colleagues. She is bizarrely good at her job, and being employed should not be a problem. However, she is 52 and looks 65, and he said not only is there a lot of misogyny in tech so if she was not working remote (which she is now) that is an issue she would face that he doesn't, but to add the ageism onto the sexism is just a major double whammie and he feels it would be very hard for her to find a position. We have no experience with Rogaine so no idea if it actually works.

"My work and family needs require me to return to what was our normal routine, so I need to get back to being home full time". You aren't responsible for her hurt because it is misplaced. You are not doing anything wrong, and her teen is ultimately not your responsibility. It was very kind of you to do this for a year. That is amazing. Her expectation that you continue to do it is unrealistic and unacceptable. She is sad that it is ending, but it is on her to deal with it and not try to manipulate you into continuing. I know you already know that, Tap. Just reiterating so that you can keep that healthy perspective. Just frame it as you need to be home more now, and don't elaborate. It isn't her business. But if she can blame it on your circumstances needing to be altered, she may get over it more quickly, " It isn't Tap leaving me, but Tap being needed at home."