Along with the excellent work that you are doing - and it IS excellent - I hope you and she (separate and together) can find IRL communities of empowering women. There's really nothing better than meeting other badass women who went ahead and burned it all down and rose from the ashes. They have a way of making the bad guys seem disposable, which they should be, but that is indeed the hardest thing to see while you're in it - life beyond and after whoever held you back. I mean, it's very hard. I had literally a decade between when I knew that I needed to entirely separate from some people and when I actually did it. Even then, I only managed because it was about to affect my children. I might never have done it, but for that, and I didn't manage it before age 40! So I am not trying to give advice, by any means. I'm just sharing what helped me some - specifically these two aspects of international women's voices and IRL examples and support.

oops, accidentally quoted myself, NM

There might be resources available through the Women Elevation Fund, which was founded by Anita Erskine for African women and girls. They've grown to the point that they have 330 clubs, and their twitter feed is full of stories about girls and young women. I have NO idea whether this would be true for your daughter, but here is my personal experience -- as a grown woman, when I needed to break away from patriarchy and misogyny and learn about equality and power for women, it was actually very, very helpful to look outside of American voices. International experiences and thought were more useful to me (and then I was able to better parse it out in my own country). I point this out because a lot of these types of books are written by Americans, and maybe that's one reason why the tone is wrong. A lot of American books are about surviving American public schools, at the heart of them, instead of about "who you are and who you want to be - and have a right to be - no matter your setting." https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/entertainment/Why-I-empower-girls-Anita-Erskine-819652 https://twitter.com/w_elevationfund

I'd be in it for the history, too. LOL But thank you, I'll take another look!

Judging from the reviews, this, maybe? https://www.amazon.com/Confidence-Code-Girls-Amazingly-Imperfect/dp/0062796984/ref=sr_1_14?crid=NYYRY7Z9W0CS&keywords=girl+power+books+for+teens&qid=1580339407&sprefix=girl+power+books+for+%2Caps%2C166&sr=8-14

Oh, same. LOL

Thank you for ruining my debt snowball. I have to buy this for the future imaginary grandchildren! We love PJ Lynch.

Are you also convinced that some public school settings are not for everyone, and that includes some children who are, in fact, enrolled in public school?

Switch after 6th if you want to do pre-Alg in 7th. Switch after 7th if you want to do pre-Alg in 8th. Switch after 8th if you want to skip pre-Alg (there's quite a bit in the 7th and 8th) and go straight to Alg in 9th. You might do this if you felt there was a developmental reason to spend another year on solidifying arithmetic...if you did this, you could also start Alg at the semester point, by skipping a lot of the interest and farming type chapters in the 8th grade book. In other words, you can switch anytime after the 6th grade book. Make your decision based upon whether you think your child is ready for pre-Alg/Alg yet. To make that decision, you might use the various placements tests out there -- Sonlight has free placement tests for Saxon and TT, that might give you an idea. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What to switch TO: I think Foerster's Algebra is the best follow up to R&S. Familiar teaching and explaining style, a very good teacher's guide...if you are teaching, yourself, you can continue as you have been doing with R&S. For Geometry, I like vintage texts or Teaching Textbooks 2.0. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Another option: After the fourth or fifth grade book, switch to Math Mammoth and continue through pre-Alg (grade 7) with MM. Then switch to Foerster's.

When some of those authors are saying, "You can teach your child XYZ subject yourself, and here's how," they actually do have an audience. They do not need to can it. They're talking to me. I gratefully bought their books, studied them, and then successfully taught my children and a few tutored students. If we're telling people to can their expert opinions, let's not start with the academics and booksellers. Maybe we could start with MLM's or religious parenting gurus? The onus is on the target of any pitch, in this world, to determine whether she needs or wants a product. We have to self-evaluate and know whether the promises made are intended for us, or for someone else. There's not a salesman in the world who would be able to make me think that I am at all capable of learning, or teaching, astrophysics or biomedical engineering. I would know that their curriculum is for someone else. But if they're hawking classic ed theory for high school, a curriculum for traditional logic or Aristotle's rhetoric, or algebra or geometry or biology or how to write research papers...I actually know that I can use that. I can't WRITE that material for myself, but I can very adeptly learn it and teach it, so they'd better not can it. Don't go from the frying pan to the fire, OP. There's middle ground between the devil and the deep blue sea. You can reject the homeschool koolaid without choosing the line of thought that education belongs to experts in schools. If you can't or don't want to do a certain subject or level of homeschooling, don't begrudge, doubt, or *work toward restrictions for* those of us who CAN and DO. Either extreme is a problem, mostly because those extremes are about trying to make judgments and decisions for other people's families - for children and students that you don't even know. The solution to the extremes is to keep your eyes on your own plate, so to speak. Do what's best for your family, without extrapolating out to thinking that your pivots and compromises are probably what everybody else should consider, too. Having the courage of our convictions is a personal stance.

I agree with @8FillTheHeart that the culture has moved on. I know the homeschool bubble still exists, but if you are feeling like these are the messages that constrain you from "flex-schooling" then it just means that you are still in (or too near) one of those bubbles. I've been so far out of the homeschool bubble for enough years that I hardly recognized what you were saying. It was like a gigantic stereotype, almost cartoonish...yet I do recall when I knew people who thought that way. And I do still homeschool, just without that culture. "Out here," on the outside, public school parents don't criticize me for hs'ing anymore. They're wondering if that might be an option, to get their child out of bullying and standardized testing and reading or math classes that make no sense. Homeschooling parents don't criticize public school families -- the prevalent thought seems to be that if a child is thriving, learning, safe, and happy in ANY academic setting, for the love of God, don't move him. Give thanks and stay put. But as has been said, it seems that the vast majority of families have tried it all and are willing to look for blends and compromises. If you need to continue homeschooling even though life circumstances are making it difficult, there's support for that. If you need to turn off some (aging and dated) voices about hs'ing and utilize other options, there's support for that. Even on these forums, people have been through it all. ❤️

I definitely would not. We can't always go by what we would do, in the same situation -- you're thinking she might care because it's your child, because YOU would set aside differences to help someone with their child. But she's already shown you that she's not like you. She has dismissed you from her life, which is something you wouldn't have done... 1. The child's privacy matters - his health should only be discussed with people you trust. When she rejected you, she defined herself as not-your-friend. That doesn't mean she's a horrible person. It doesn't mean she's your enemy. But it does mean she is not your friend. Don't automatically assign the same trust that you'd had, before she turned her back on you. 2. Her privacy matters, too - as someone who has gone through traumatic events and seen my children through life-threatening illnesses, let me move on...if we're not in a close type of relationship, don't come at me with reminders and questions about my past traumas. If we're not even friends, especially don't do that to me. 3. Her rejection of you again, will only hurt again, especially if you take it as a rejection of your child. This moment is hard enough without inviting more pain. 4. What you would potentially gain -- as others have mentioned, she's a sample of one. She's only got her experience, and she was at a different age/stage when she went through it. Current experiences from a larger pool (like a Reddit sub or a hospital support group), and up-to-date research from your medical team, are of far more value.

One way to help people work through it faster is to de-normalize it. "It's toxic, why are you there," is a good thing to put out there, even knowing that people will usually need months and years, maybe a decade, to actually break away. As a person who had to very painfully break away, I can say that the more I heard people just bluntly say, "Nobody deserves that; they're crazy so get out of there," the faster I was able to believe it. The sooner that people like the OP (and I was like that) can be "given permission" to stop being the endless counselor and listening post for a toxic dynamic, the better. The sooner the better, that the de facto counselors of this world, learn to say, "No. That's enough. We already know the dynamic, and I'm not here for the stories of the unsurprising abuse. You know that I think you should go see a qualified therapist, which I am not, and I think you should make some moves toward getting out of there." And tell her you love her, and get off the phone. This isn't pretending an abusive dynamic or a tricky social situation doesn't exist. It's setting a boundary, to not let it also take over your life and your relationship with Sis, AND it's teaching and modeling how to stop.

The only thing I don't get about women is why anyone would sign up for this kind of dynamic, or choose to continue after the first few rounds. I am very aware of the way that families can put a hold on people's lives, with this toxic "family first" ideal that means "stay in your place and be abused, so Grandma gets her Norman Rockwell Christmas" or whatever. I know it runs deep. I have BTDT. But I'm also aware that it's possible to opt out. At some point, when you finally realize how toxic and stupid and harmful the environment has become, you have to make a choice as to whether you'll continue to participate or NOT. And I can tell you that if you do get shunned from the family holidays over failing to prop up the Queen Bees how they like, it only hurts for the first couple of years. After that, it feels like freedom. If Little Sis complained to me that the other sisters treated her like crap, I would (after a decent interval of attempting to be a good listener), tell her to A. Make a choice to change the dynamic or leave it, and B. Don't come crying to me, if you choose to let these people treat you this way. Don't keep telling me about it. But if you need help breaking free - if by no other means than making them permanently mad enough at you that you never get invited to Christmas anymore - in that case, my big mouth is available to ride shotgun.

Sonlight intends for you to have your student simply locate the assigned places and literally mark them, in whiteboard marker, on the blank (outline) "markable map" that they sell. At the end of each semester or year, clean the map to reuse next time. If you feel this not sufficient for learning how the geography affected history, or how the history moved through the geography, then I have a suggestion: MapTrek by Knowledge Quest has historical, blackline maps with very, very good instructions for three levels of study (including high school). https://knowledgequestmaps.com/maps-and-timelines/map-trek/ You could match it up to your SL American History in Depth in two ways: This chart has a schedule to match up very well: https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/map-trek/Curriculum+Integration+Guides/14_5_MTAmericanHS.pdf Or you could match it up to use with Joy Hakim's history series (you will end up doing more maps this way, or you could choose 1 or 2 per week): https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/map-trek/Curriculum+Integration+Guides/11_HistoryofUS.pdf

I'm not arguing with your feelings and experiences here, but I can't help mentioning that the same thing happens to me *here* in the midwestern USA. People assume the children hate vegetables and dine at McDonalds (or have happy meals tossed at them over the backseat on the way home from soccer practice) multiple times per week. I've had people over to my house for dinner who have expressed great discomfort at the presence of vegetables and real dishes on my dinner table. "Oooh, formal! I never know which fork to use. I wish you hadn't gone to so much trouble, casual is so much more comfortable for everyone." Use the only fork at your place, please. This is just a family-style meal, in a low-middle class ranch house on the edge of the city. Don't let the china and parsley throw you too far off track.

I *am* an American, I've never even been out of the country, but I could do without these things. Immediately and for the rest of my life. I am so tired of perfect strangers telling me their health and relational problems, or opining loudly (usually putting others down) to strangers in public. I don't think either of these bad habits were always the norm, in the small, midwestern farming community where I grew up. In the 70s and 80s, polite people there were a little more reticent and self-aware (or at least quieter). I miss that dignity and awareness. (Apologies, I didn't read the rest of the thread yet, everybody; had to respond to this!)

Do you sew? A wonderful gift would be some homemade, washable produce bags - whether mesh or muslin, in several sizes, with a drawstring. Like this: https://www.amazon.com/Drawstring-Vegetables-Reusable-Household-Organizing/dp/B01IT37BPG/ref=sr_1_8?keywords=muslin+produce+bags&qid=1579029534&sr=8-8 Can't really endorse Amazon for green spending, that's just really...complex. But here you have a DIY suggestion and a shopping link, so if you like this idea, you could choose your option. 🙂

@regentrude, the "fall off a mountain at 90, if sick" is literally my DH's plan. He's an outdoorsman from way back and has joked grimly (but not actually joking) about all the ways he could shuffle off the mortal coil without having to move to physician assisted suicide state. The mountain idea, specifically, would be his favorite, because I'm supposed to scatter his ashes on his favorite Rocky Mountains trail. So he could just be geographically near, already.

1. I'm going to leave the care of my own parents to their children whom they have NOT criticized, alienated, and shunned. Whatever buttons were installed in me to feel warm or fuzzy about sacrificing my middle age to their care, have disassembled themselves. I would feel differently if they didn't have children who were ready, willing, and able to fill that role, whom they DO like. But since they cultivated those relationships while abusing me and my children, that'll be their end scenario. 2. Because I love my children, I am working toward every possible plan to leave them free to live happy lives and provide for their own families without worrying about me, or being responsible for me. They'd all do it. But there's a literal document with the will that is a letter telling them all that if I am childish or dependent or talking as if I "demand" that they let me live with them, or that they give me money, or whatever -- that's not the "Real Mama." The real Mama always told you that if I ever talk like that, my mind is going and it's time to call the doctor. The real Mama would rather be in assisted living with age-peers, even if it's kind of rough, than to think of your family losing its best chance for health, happiness, security and safety because of me. I don't want your wife bathing me. I don't want your teens tiptoeing around the situation. This is all in the will, along with my no-extraordinary-measures directives and world's most frugal burial plans. Get me into the best situation that is possible without impoverishing your family, and check on me now and then. That's what I want. Not just because I don't want your family to "suffer" - I don't think it's suffering to take care of people, at least not by definition. But I also want the privacy and dignity of going through that stuff by myself. I'll meet you with my hair curled and makeup done, for breakfast in the nursing home's dining room. What I went through last night, health wise, is my business, if I'm 80. The second half of this is a commitment to as much health and wealth and preparation as possible, for their Dad and me. We can't prevent all death, diseases, or disasters, but as long as we are able, we'll be as healthy and smart as possible. We won't be sloping into upper middle age, waiting for the inevitable, pretending we're not aging - we will actively pursue health and wealth for as long as we can. And we'll do the Swedish Death Cleaning ten years before we really think it might be necessary. I actually feel quite energized about the whole thing. After an abusive and neglectful childhood, and a sacrificial (but highly rewarding) era of raising children, I am excited about having the time and energy to take charge of my own plans for my own future. I know it might not all work out exactly as I want, but there is a lot within my control, as far as how I leave the situation for my children. I'm very glad to know about those options.

I agree. If she's 16 and in 11th, you have some margin to deal with the issues and hopefully get back on track for graduation, long before she's 18.

Quill, rename the thread to something like: "Parents have no money for assisted living. HELP." This will bring you the people who know how to get the parents from "broke and dependent on me, but I can't do it" to "on Medicaid and in a nursing home." (Edit - Crosspost, Laura and Pam have arrived with some good advice.)

Scarlett, psoriatic arthritis is in Dr. Fuhrman's wheelhouse; that's one of the conditions for which his dietary program can bring about near-miraculous improvement. I hope and pray she is helped by the ER and able to consider this option in the future. If it "worked" - at least for remission - the relief would be dramatic and fast, like within a couple of months. I can't imagine the diet would interfere with any medications or protocols - there would probably be absolutely nothing to lose by trying. (Of course, she'd need to make any changes under her doctor's supervision.)

I'm of a similar mindset. I definitely tried, through my thirties, to make more friends. 100% of the time (for IRL efforts), eventually I realized that I was in this because the other person wanted something from me. They want... Free therapy (I'm an astoundingly good listener and occasionally give good advice). Free inspiration and tips (variation of ditto, I'm good at what I do and I don't mind helping others sort their similar scenario). A feel-good charity case (I'm low-middle class, and weirdly attractive to older rich women who want to encourage and support and promote my family -- it really is weird, and I put a stop to it as soon as I realize that's what's going on. Because it's never just "cheerlead and network;" it's always that they're working their way in to be a benefactor who bosses me around. This is VERY offensive to me - both the unnecessary benefactor'ing and the bossing. It's happened several times, which has finally made me decide not to allow friendships with boomers.) Someone capable to do the heavy lifting for *their* area of interest. LSB will teach the Sunday school class and eventually lead the program. LSB will put on the entire music festival while we only pretend to help. LSB will organize and do a million different things, she is So Creative. But not one of these people have ever wanted to just get together and hang out. Or share a holiday together. Or go on a fun road trip. So what I'm picking up is that in my own unique weirdness, I am someone who attracts admiration and sometimes fascination, but I am not someone who people *like* as an equal friend. Well, OK, after many decades, I have decided that "I" like myself, and I am my own best company. I don't mind. I also have a very strong marriage and would prefer to hang out with DH, and I like my own children (including DIL). They are enough. I'm an introvert, so sometimes, they are more than enough! 😛 I will always volunteer in some capacity; I'm not a hermit or recluse and I do have a lot to offer in this world. I like people, and I like shared hobbies and projects. But to consider anything I do as an effort to find "friends"....no. I don't do that anymore.

I would give them the money but then try to figure out how to move out of the country, so nothing like this could ever happen to me again...