Counselor letter- touch on sensitive topic?

[Hilltopmom]

our middle son was severly disabled his entire life & passed away last year at age 7 right after my oldest's sophomore year of high school.

 

This obviously effected all of my kids upbringings & life (family stuff had to all be revolved around providing 24/7 medical care).

 

I feel like a school guidance counselor would mention that in their letter. But I don't know if I should. his grades didn't dip (something I would've explained if so), but it was a major factor in how we led our lives.

I don't want to mention it for pity & Ds won't write about it in is essay, in fact he doesn't talk aboutt his brother at all, it's just not his thing to discuss his feelings.

But it seems like they should know that this teen has in fact dealth with big stuff in life, even if he doesn't want to mention it, and came out pretty good on the other side, regardless.

 

I've already written my letter, but would add this to it if I should.

Thanks for any advice.

[mom2bee]

Is there anyway you could ask your son directly?

 

Personally I would NOT want my mother to include such a personal topic that I have no desire to share with the college guidance councilors.

 

This is a very case-by-case thing. I am sorry for your families loss and hope that you are able to find a solution that works for you.

 

Perhaps make a draft of what it would look like to include this in the letter, then sleep on it a few nights.

[Julie of KY]

I'm not sure a school counselor would mention it if it did not effect grades and schooling.

 

I'd be sensitive to his feelings, but also listen to your instincts on what to do. My bet is that there are lots of kids that have dealt with a variety of big things that never get mentioned.

[EKS]

I would only put it in if it is essential to telling the story of who your son is or if it explains something important about his academic record.

Edited July 31, 2017 by EKS

[8filltheheart]

I would include it if it impacted how you approached school with him and your family.  I would incorporate it is a single sentence or two as part of a narrative.  

 

For example, if he read his novels aloud to your ds while doing school or helped to take care of him, I would say something like, "Our homeschool encompasses not just academics but is who we are as a family.  Ds would read aloud his literature assignments to his severely disabled brother and have him sit with him while he watched documentaries until db passed away during ds's 10th grade yr."

 

You get the gist.  I would mention it without belaboring it.

 

Counselor letter aside, I am very sorry for the death of your precious ds.  

[JanetC]

Actually the counselor letter is often used for important things that the student would not feel comfortable writing about directly.

 

Even if your college-age son's grades didn't dip, it is impossible to imagine that didn't have an effect on his opportunities or on his current educational and life priorities. It's not "making excuses" for things, it's providing context.

 

The level at which you choose to share is completely up to you. One of the reasons a school counselor can sometimes write about this better than the student is because the counselor isn't directly involved. That's obviously not the case here. It may make sense to have an extra letter of recommendation from a family friend aware of the circumstances if telling this story is too difficult for you. Perhaps the academic recommendation letter writer would be able to talk about it, if you wish to discuss it with them.

Edited July 31, 2017 by JanetC

[regentrude]

I would include it if you feel it contributed to making your DS the person he is, or if it affected the way you homeschool.

 

Even if it did not show in his grades, living with a profoundly disabled sibling does affect a young person's development and the entire family life. He may have had fewer opportunities for some things, or he may have had to take more responsiblity at a younger age, or you may have made schooling choices you would not have made otherwise. He may have struggled with it.

I do not see this as an "excuse", but as explaining how the applicant became the person they are. I am writing my counselor letters to explain how my kids "tick", and I included formative events that I felt were important for their development. 

 

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Edited July 31, 2017 by regentrude

[8filltheheart]

I would include it if you feel it contributed to making your DS the person he is, or if it affected the way you homeschool.

 

Even if it did not show in his grades, living with a profoundly disabled sibling does affect a young person's development and the entire family life. He may have had fewer opportunities for some things, or he may have had to take more responsiblity at a younger age, or you may have made schooling choices you would not have made otherwise. He may have struggled with it.

I do not see this as an "excuse", but as explaining how the applicant became the person they are. I am writing my counselor letters to explain how my kids "tick", and I included formative events that I felt were important for their development. 

 

I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

I agree.  

[MarkT]

Could this be possibly discussed in a personal essay by the student?

 

[8filltheheart]

Could this be possibly discussed in a personal essay by the student?

 

It could be, but it could be a very painful, emotional experience for her ds and he may not want to share something so intensely personal.

[bettyandbob]

My DD handled very personal issues growing up sandwiched between 2E (ADHD,SPD,NVLD, dysgraphic, highly gifted with anxiety) brother and brother with intellectual disabilities.

 

Dh was upset. He didn't want "dirty laundry" aired about the oldest. But I felt it was her story to tell. It fit well with the essay topic and certainly could not look like any other response.

 

I'd first help the student brainstorm to see if he could write about it in his essay. If not ask his permission to include some detail. Keep in mind the counselor account of this might detailed.

[Hilltopmom]

Thanks all.

My student does not want to write about it at all.

But doesn't mind if I do.

 

It definately affected our family dynamics & life choices. He struggled for sure, growing up with a medically fragile, newborn level of development sibling. That we had brought the child into our home "on purpose" as an adopted child added a whole other dimension of unfairness (best wording I can come up with pre coffee) for him. There were many times he had to accept not being first priority & missing out on many activities (no family hikes, camping trips, beach trips, vacations for the most part). We did the best we could. Lots of big feelings involved, but I think he's handled it well, overall.

 

I'll think about it some more.

I'm ok writing about it & think it does add dimension to his recommendation. But yeah, not easy for me to write about either. I'm having difficultly with coming up with the right wording.

I've got time.

[lisabees]

Best wishes in crafting that story within the letter, OP.  I would weave it in subtly, as a way of demonstrating your son's character.  The guidance counselor is the perfect opportunity to reveal what only a mother can.  For me, balancing an air of professionalism with the right amount of "Mom" was important.  I wanted admissions officers to see, without a doubt, that I was qualified to teach and design my son's education, but I also made no excuses for being Mom and highlighting what only a Mom can see.  Seize that opportunity to give admissions a clearer picture of your real son.

 

It can be quite the emotional experience for any of us when finishing up that letter.  Hugs and so very sorry for your loss.

[gstharr]

Such personal stories are tough to call. A couple of years ago, I helped with a personal essay for a UC borderline, maybe even weak, applicant.  . He wrote how his divorced father emotionally abandoned him after the father remarried. The kid wrote about how struggled until he became a peer counselor at his school, and found contentment helping others. He got accepted by UCI and UCLA. I helped him change the story to something positive,  rather than the  moroseness of his initial draft   Your child should make the call on how to handle it,  and it should be in his statement, not in the counselor's . 

[8filltheheart]

Your child should make the call on how to handle it, and it should be in his statement, not in the counselor's .

I don't think it is so cut and dry. I addressed my dd's illness in my counselor letter, and I don't remember her ever mentioning it at all in any of her essays. I mentioned their interpersonal skills with their disabled brother's challenging behaviors bc what they have dealt with on a daily basis growing up is definitely not the norm for kids, and it demonstrates that they are not "isolated" from dealing with bigger issues just bc they homeschooled.

 

My counselor letters are like Lisabees describes: they are narratives that intertwine our family and school lives bc that is what homeschooling is for us.

Edited August 1, 2017 by 8FillTheHeart

[regentrude]

Your child should make the call on how to handle it,  and it should be in his statement, not in the counselor's . 

 

I don't agree with this. Just because an experience had a large impact on the student's growing up does not mean that he will write the best essay on this topic. He has one shot at the essay and may well choose not to write about this - because it is too painful, or because he feels he can write a really outstanding essay on another topic.

In the counselor letter, the parent can mention the fact without giving it literary quality. 

[Julie of KY]

I think your student should write whatever he wants for his essay. He especially should not be expected to write about family matters if he doesn't want to - and it doesn't sound like mom is pushing this at all.

 

As others have said, I wouldn't make it a big focus of a counselor letter, but if you can interweave it in, it gives an extra layer to understanding who he is. 

[Hilltopmom]

Yes, he will definately write about a different topic that he is passionate about for his essay.

 

And yeah, it won't be the main focus of my counselor letter, just one aspect

[Milknhoney]

As a college admissions counselor, I have read both student essays and counselor letters that include this type of information. Sometimes it is to explain poor academic performance, but sometimes it is simply to highlight the kind of challenges that the student has had the strength to face and overcome. I have always found it insightful, and sometimes it helps that particular student to stand out in my mind. I certainly see no reason not to include this in your letter from the colleges' point of view. And I see no reason why it needs to come from one or the other of you. If your son is uncomfortable sharing but is okay if you do, then you should include it.

[MarkT]

I guess I have to ask - Is DS applying to a fair number reach schools such as the UC example above?

 

[Hilltopmom]

I guess I have to ask - Is DS applying to a fair number reach schools such as the UC example above?

Nope. No selective reaches.