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[Paisley Hedgehog]

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[Pajama Mama]

If your inlaws can afford it, why not have dh find them a lawn service? Of course, they have to pay for it. Elderly folks sometimes confuse what might have been said. They might remember that he agreed to cut their lawn and nothing else. Dh should say that he'll find a person to care for their yard and they can pay when the person gets there.

[Catwoman]

A couple of weeks ago, dh offered to help out with the yard work this spring until they can find a lawn service. He told his mom to let him know if they needed him, and she said ok. This morning, my fil called dh and said, "Where were you this weekend? You were supposed to cut our yard!" Like it was a missed appointment or obligation, when actually the ball was in their court! grrr

 

Well... your DH did offer to do the work for them, and his mom may have relayed the information incorrectly to your FIL, making him think your DH was going to just show up and cut the lawn.

 

I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt this time around, as I'm sure it was a simple misunderstanding. If your FIL was nasty about it, that was certainly uncalled-for, but maybe the man is just frustrated that he can't do the work himself. If he's used to doing his own yard work and likes a well-manicured lawn, a few extra days between cuts could make a big difference to him.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for poor behavior, but if your FIL is normally fit and healthy, he's probably at his wit's end not being able to take care of things around the house.

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

Elderly folks sometimes confuse what might have been said.

 

I agree with your post, Pajama Mama, except that these in-laws are "elderly." They're only in their 60's!

 

(That said, I'll bet MIL didn't give FIL all of the information -- probably not because she forgot, but because she wasn't that concerned about it.)

 

Cat

[Kathy in MD]

........ Elderly folks sometimes confuse what might have been said. ......

 

Side note -- This would be good to remember for everyone, reguardless of age. I think a lot of hurt feelings and anger would disappear if we remembered this more often.

 

Note to self -- this happens to 15 yo ds also. Remember to assume confusion first, before I start to yell.

[Jill- OK]

Are any of you helping your parents with chores like this?

 

My grandparents are actually more guilty of the opposite; NOT calling/asking enough.

 

Granted, my stepdad helps them some, too (I consider my grandparents 'parents', since I lived with them, but my mom and stepdad live around the corner, and help when they can, as well), and they will let me know, occasionally, when they need something done...but sometimes it's just a matter of doing it for them, without them asking, or we chance them doing too much, themselves. (Also, they're pretty active, and I want them to continue to be, as much as possible, for as long as possible. They're in their 80s.)

 

I'd just encourage dh to say, "I thought you said you'd call when you needed something done! Did I miss your call? When was it?", and keep trying to develop a pattern of communication for this.

 

Also...ask them each time when they're going to contact a service, and maybe do it for them--the contacting, not paying for it--if it goes too long.

 

He *did* offer...without setting a time limit, though. (wince)

[Danestress]

Maybe MIL didn't relay to FIL exactly how that conversation went.

 

But anyway, if your DH is willing to mow their lawn, he should just tell them when he plans to do it. Otherwise he leaves them in a position of having to ask. We all know that grass must be mowed so saying, "Let me know if you need it" seems sort of evasive. They need it. You already know that.

 

Perhaps he could start the mowing and you could start looking for a neighborhood kid to take over the job for pay. Maybe you can get this taken care of pretty quickly.

 

It doesn't sound from your post like they are chronic advantage-takers, and if they are, my advice would be a little different. But it sounds like they have helped you out and now your DH wants to help them. I have both sets of parents in town, and I will acknowledge that sometimes it seems burdensome to pitch in for them. There are moments I resent it. But afterward, I am always glad I helped them, and as time goes on, your husband is going to feel better about his world if he knows he has served them, and will feel better about you if you swallow the inevitable moments of resentment.

[Mari]

I would be very disappointed in my husband if he did NOT help his parents (or my parents for that matter). He should do so out of sheer respect for honoring his/our parents in their time of need. In my neck of the woods, charity begans at home and family helps each other. That includes inlaws. It's just as simple as that. If he cannot, I and/or older shildren will step in to help out whenever possible, always letting our parents know whenever that would be, not the other way around.

[Ginevra]

I'm sure it was annoying to have been treated like it was a missed appointment. But I do think this sort of thing is a very normal thing to do for parents as they are aging and/or have medical problems. My husband and his brother routinely take care of many chores at my MIL's house, and she is quite financially well off. They open, close and clean the pool, they till and plant the garden, they prune the trees, cut and edge the lawn. They chop wood for her wood stove all winter. During the summer, sometimes a grandchild or two does some of these chores. And as a side note, the balence of work is not evenly distributed among the six siblings.

 

I would consider it respectful and decent if your husband could continue to mow. It would be good for him to arrange with them when he can come to do it, though, so there aren't misunderstandings. If there's simply no possible way he can do it, then he needs to make it clear that he can only continue until X date and he would be happy to help them find a service if they need help finding one. But personally, I think we should do things such as this for our parents if we are nearby. They inconvenienced themselves endlessly to raise us. It's not so much to expect someone to swing by and cut the grass IMO.

[bkpan]

I would be very disappointed in my husband if he did NOT help his parents (or my parents for that matter). He should do so out of sheer respect for honoring his/our parents in their time of need. In my neck of the woods, charity begans at home and family helps each other. That includes inlaws. It's just as simple as that. If he cannot, I and/or older shildren will step in to help out whenever possible, always letting our parents know whenever that would be, not the other way around.

 

:iagree:

[Chris in VA]

I would agree that he should honor his parents and help, but I think he needs to honor his wife and kids, too, and his own health--so, getting them a service would seem to help everyone. 60 hours a week at work is a LOT to add anything else on to it. And clear communication? Boy, do I agree that that's important!

 

I know you were just venting, Shari. I think your hubby was being kind to offer to help. It's just as helpful and no less honorable, imo, to help them find someone.

[Murphy101]

If your dh can't do it, then he can't do it and should say that he is too busy providing for his children right now.

 

If my kids could do it - I'd insist on them doing it.

 

If not, then yes, they'd be on their own.

 

And regardless of whether we'd do it or not, they would so NOT be welcome to treat me like a hired hand late to work - THAT make them welcome to hire new help.;)

[Catwoman]

I just re-read Shari's post, and while my earlier post was a bit less positive, I now truly believe that she's not upset that her dh is helping his parents; I think she was just annoyed that her FIL seemed to be treating her dh disrespectfully, and I can certainly understand how she could feel that way.

 

It doesn't sound like mowing the lawn is going to be a permanent job for Shari's dh, as he only said he would only do it until they were able to hire someone to do the job, and I think that seems quite reasonable.

 

I know I've been quick to judge people when it seemed like they were being too demanding of a favor, so I can absolutely sympathize with the feelings Shari experienced this morning.

 

Cat

[stripe]

I would be very disappointed in my husband if he did NOT help his parents (or my parents for that matter). He should do so out of sheer respect for honoring his/our parents in their time of need.

I agree.

 

I also assume that your husband is used to his parents' style of talking and behavior so we, being outsiders, can't really put things in a context to know if this offends him or seems normal. And don't forget, your husband volunteered! But I like the idea of including the kids -- that would be good, and a good way to have "family time."

 

This is, in my opinion, one of those issues where it would be better for your husband and his parents to deal with each other, and you stay out of it. Too hard to get burned if you get in the middle....ETA: Oops, I meant too easyto get burned!

Edited April 14, 2009 by stripe

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Murphy101]

oops.

I don't think I was clear...

what I meant by my children, was that if grandchildren could take this chore off your dh, then I'd insist they do so.:001_smile:

[kalanamak]

 

I'm trying to let dh deal with it -- they are his parents after all -- but I guess I just need to vent. :rant:

 

Just a little flag raised here: Some parents, as they age, can't face the idea of/work involved with moving to some place better suited to their aging lives, and expect grown children to "maintain them in the lifestyle to which they were accustomed". I encourage older patients to pick out their next step in life when they have the time and energy to get something suitable, rather than clinging to the too-big house and yard until they, in a medical rush, have to be plopped somewhere not so nice.

 

If you see them headed this way, and hubby getting sucked in, try to talk turkey with him so he can be of help to them. It really is help getting aging people to realize this!