Do you know what I wish?

[Janice in NJ]

Homeschooling through high school can be such an emotional roller-coaster. I appreciate you folks so much. Your support. Your smiles. Your kind, encouraging words.

 

But do you know what I wish?

I wish that you guys were flesh-n-blood folks in my life. I wish that you could really see my real life and still say the nice things that you say to encourage me. Because you speak of my hard work. You make references to the things that I know. The things that I say. The things that I've shared. I appreciate that. It means a lot to be treated like an intelligent contributor. For some reason, the "real" people in my life don't respond the way you do. They don't seem to appreciate the risks that I take. The hard work that I engage in. The hard work that my kids engage in. All of the hard work and effort. They seem to view my contribution to the world as incidental. It's good and all. But the results are really not worth that much effort.

 

I guess this is the issue:

 

I am working harder than ever. In general, my kids are doing more and more and more outside of the house and all of the driving falls on me - as does the nurturing and the encouraging and the organizing. (Dh is wonderful. Amazing. Terrific Dad. He just has a very demanding job; there is no way around the pace of his schedule. No way.) So much of the parental plod falls to me; it just does.

 

I am trying to begin to nail down next year's coursework/schedule/activities, but I'm just facing so many restrictions in terms of my time and what I can really accomplish with all of the hats that I'm being asked to wear.

 

In addition to all of the regular "stuff," there is all of the goal-setting that comes with parenting; all of the goal-setting that comes with life, finances, household management; and all of the goal-setting that comes with home-schooling, high-school subjects, and high-school guidance counseling.

 

Then you have to put feet to the goals.

 

So there is all of this stuff to "do." But the first hurdle that has to be crawled over when setting goals is balancing priorities against possibilities. What can be done here?

What really SHOULD be done here?

And what is really possible given the entire big picture?

 

So what does a momma do when necessity, possibility, and reality align to give you a gut answer that just seems improbable? Even though you know that you can do it. Because you have done the improbable. More times than you can count.

 

Do you just do it? If so, how do you deal with the throng of folk in your life that treat you like you're crazy even though you know that you're not. My kids know that I'm not. My husband knows that I'm not. My dad says that I'm spot on. Bang on the dot with my gut. Dh says that I deserve to be trusted implicitly. In his mind, my track record speaks for itself. (In other words: I'm not a ne'er-do-well looking for false affirmation.)

 

I just wish that I knew what to do with the rest of the voices. Extended family. Friends. Folks we know. Folks we meet for the first time.

 

I just wish that I had the confidence to do what I know to do in the face of SO many voices that are telling me that SO much of this isn't possible. I've been here before. I've done so much of what wasn't possible. But for some reason, I'm waning in my conviction here. Maybe I'm just getting tired. I hate to admit it, but maybe I really don't have what it takes to just keep chugging along. It really is just so very hard to keep working so hard when my efforts are viewed by so many good people as a waste of time. Maybe it's because most of my past victories are viewed by SO many people as, "Man, you're lucky. I wish that my kids ______. You're so lucky to have kids who _________. I wish that my kids liked __________. I wish that they cared about _______. I wish that I knew about______; you're just so luck that you're so smart." The lucky list goes on......

 

Yup. That's it.

Just dumb luck.

Good for me; bummer for you that you aren't so lucky.

 

Huh?

It's hard not to get angry.

It's hard not to wish that I had some sort of proof that I'm right.

Maybe someday I'll have proof.

Maybe not. Maybe in the end this whole thing really won't work. Maybe I'll just fade into the shadows as one more crazy lady who thought that she could make a difference through TONS of diligence and hard work.

So she worked - even when things didn't work.

She tried - over and over and over again.

Really worked.

Really tried.

 

I swear that someday I am going to turn and snap on some innocent victim who makes that kind of comment about me being "so lucky," but who has no prior knowledge of all of the angst that is piling up inside of me regarding those kinds of comments. The enormous flood of those kinds of comments. I am so tired of all the nay-sayers - the ones that I know and the ones that I've never met before in my life but still seem not only to have an opinion about my life but strong convictions about how I must be living my life. The folks who have ALWAYS told me that what I'm doing will NEVER work but who refuse to acknowledge all the things that have worked and are working brilliantly. They prefer to dismiss it as luck. BUT in the EXACT same instance that they declare me "so lucky," they casually look at the NEXT "impossible" thing that I am trying to tackle and declare with casual but absolute certainty, "It will never work. You can't do that. That's not possible." I wish for ONCE that one of the nay-sayers in my life would acknowledge ALL of the hard work and say, "If you did this, then you are certainly capable of doing ________. I believe in you. I never would have thought that ______ was possible, but you did it. It's happened. You deserve my respect for that. I was wrong. Pursue your next goal, Janice. You can do it. Now I finally believe in you."

 

Or my other favorite. They observe all of the things that are working in my life and my family's life and declare that it won't last. "Yup. You're kids are _______ now, but wait until later." Then they proceed to outline a scenario where all of the great qualities and/or skills that my kids possess are going to come crashing down around them. The negatives in their lives and personalities - and they have plenty of downsides to their personalities (my kids are definitely not perfect) - these are BOUND to take over and drive the rest of their lives into the ditch. Everything is just a house of cards, Janice. It looks good now, but you just wait. It won't last. You're luck won't hold out forever.

 

Is a glimmer of confidence in me just too much to ask?

Is a glimmer of confidence in my kids just too much to ask?

Is it possible that there are some bedrocks under the surface of our lives?

Some?

I am really getting tired of being treated like a lucky loser who happens to be in the right place at the right time.

And I'm tired of being told that my doom is coming. All that I've worked for will fail, and I'll be left wishing that I spent my time watching TV and shopping for shoes.

 

I wish that folks would just speak words of encouragement - trusting in my judgment, trusting in something in me.

 

So to all of you who attempting the impossible, striving toward the improbable, and struggling to maintain hope in the face of interesting odds:

I believe in you.

I believe in your children.

Rock on!

Push forward!

Pursue ALL that you hold precious!

 

Peace to you and yours this morning!

Janice

 

Enjoy your little people

Enjoy your journey

[Jane in NC]

Hey Janice!

 

I believe in you.

 

I believe in your children.

 

Your lament resonates with me. I have a sister whose favorite line is "Just you wait." Why, oh why, can she not see that my child is different than her children. Heck, her two are quite different from each other, so why does she make my son an amalgam who must duplicate precisely what her kids have done? (Her kids are great--don't get me wrong. But my son does not covet the things her kids are into. He does not feel obligated to pursue their interests or activities. He is his own person.)

 

Oh yes, I am one of the "lucky" ones as well with a son who listens and is self-motivated. Oh yes, I am "lucky" to be born with math genes. (Honestly, I worked harder in math than most of my fellow students in high school--no wonder I went farther in the subject later in life.) I am "lucky" to have a supportive husband.

 

Life is not all about choices--I do know that luck of the draw can influence circumstances. But much of want we do with our lives is based on what we choose to do. When one chooses home schooling, one is not choosing an easy path. I'll admit that the added hat of counselor as well as teacher has been keeping me awake at night wishing for a crystal ball. This reality check has been harder than some of the others.

 

Janice, our lives sound similar in some respects. My husband also has a demanding job, so I choose to stay at home to manage the domestic front, thus improving the general quality of our lives. An income stream from me would not enhance our situation. Even my best friends tell me that I am "lucky" I don't have to work. I often tell people that I do not work for pay. I work very hard, thank you, but my economic contribution is not measured with a pay check.

 

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

 

Jane (another member of the "Luck" Club)

[Brenda in MA]

I wish that folks would just speak words of encouragement - trusting in my judgment, trusting in something in me.

 

So to all of you who attempting the impossible, striving toward the improbable, and struggling to maintain hope in the face of interesting odds:

I believe in you.

I believe in your children.

Rock on!

Push forward!

Pursue ALL that you hold precious!

 

Peace to you and yours this morning!

Janice

 

Enjoy your little people

Enjoy your journey

Hi Janice,

 

I hear you, sista! It is really, really hard to keep on keeping on when those around you are full of doubts and comments. I do have one word for you, though, and it's:

 

JEALOUSY

 

In my experience, most of these folks are jealous of you and what you've been able to accomplish with your kids. They just say that you're "lucky" in the results you are seeing because it excuses what they haven't done with their kids. They can't affirm and encourage you because by doing that they would be putting themselves down in the same breath.

 

After going to a party that was held for members of a specific ministry in church, I noticed that the only folks who complimented me/dh about our kids were those folks whose children had already grown up and were on their own. I decided that they felt comfortable complimenting the kids because we were not "competing" with them.

 

A lot of people, I think, are also ignorant about homeschooling, especially through high school. Lately, I've had several people make comments to me or to my senior son, "Are you going to college?" "How can you get into college without AP courses?" "It's unfair that your son can take college courses at the CC while he's still in high school." I think they're just ignorant of the process and looking down at us because they think that somehow we are sacrificing the future of our children or cheating the "system".

 

This situation does stink, and it is very hard to persist when you get little affirmation, even though you know that inside your heart you are doing what is best for your kids and your family.

 

So -- Janice -- I also really enjoy your posts and your insights. I've been there as trying to decide how to accomodate a child's interests and still get in all the neat/interesting subjects I think he should cover. Let me say -- you are doing a great job! Push on! Do what you think is best!

 

Sometimes, I think, that "silent" witnesses can really make a big difference. People will notice what you're doing/accomplishing, and you are having an effect on them, even though it might not be apparent at present. I remember when my first child was born and I was working full time. At the time, I decided that I wanted to keep working, but only at 80% schedule so I'd have more time with my son. Fortunately, I had an understanding boss, and I was able to arrange that schedule for myself. I was the first woman at the company to work such a schedule. I didn't promote/advertise what I was doing, but within a year, there were six other women working that schedule.

 

Someone has to be first. For us, at least in our area, we are in the huge minority by homeschooling high school. Unfortunately, we will have to take the brunt of the ignorance and jealously for those that will travel behind us. It's hard to do, but ultimately worth it in the long run, I think.

 

Have a pleasant Saturday,

Brenda

[Mommyfaithe]

amen Janice!!

 

I wish too.....

 

Sometimes it is really hard to be an island...especially when the natives are restless and revolting :D

 

I have always appreciated you...your wisdom...your kind words and your intelligence.

 

I wish we could be friends irl....

 

``Faithe...who is really trying to enjoy my journey...AND my little ones who are growing bigger everyday!

[Rhondabee]

Oh, Janice! I wonder if this isn't prime burn-out time of year?

 

I just recently had to listen to a long, impossible to interrupt diatribe about how I need to learn to let go, my dc will be ok in high school, it will have so many more opportunities, what I've done has been good, but I've done too much already. And, unfortunately, I don't have a "lucky" kid.

 

I just have an average kid. It's not like hs'ing for high school even has the hint of a shadow of hope that this child will become an intellectual, hard-working "lucky" person. Yes, he'll be the sensitive, kind-hearted, very people-attuned person he has always been; but he will honestly be that person whether we do school here or anywhere else. And, no matter *where* he is, those positive qualities (his area of "giftedness" if you will) really don't amount to much academically, so why *should* I try so hard?

 

But, like you I bet, I have to be true to me...true to him...true to the family my dh and I have created (the oasis of peace in a hostile world, iykwim). True to the small still voice I am sure is leading me. So, I trust God and just "do it" - whatever the "it" is that needs to be done. Ignore the rest. Yes I live in a cocoon sometimes! And I, too, am very thankful for you and all the friends I have found here. I carry you all with me as I go through-out my homeschool day, and just knowing that you all are walking on the journey with me is *very* encouraging!

[Mommyfaithe]

>>>>I just wish that I knew what to do with the rest of the voices. Extended family. Friends. Folks we know. Folks we meet for the first time. >>>>

 

Well I just stick my fingers in my ears and LA LA LA LA LA....

 

If your husband trusts you and your kids trust you...what else matters???

Don't discuss with anyone...that is the biggest side-tracker...

 

Have any ideas...bring them here...bat them around with us...we get it...we are on the same page...We do not think you are any more nuts than we are :lol:

 

Peace,

~~Faithe

[FloridaLisa]

There will always be naysayers I guess. :grouphug: As my dh says to me, you may make it look way too easy! Others just may not know all of the hours of planning and grading and editing and grading and tutoring and driving and grading that you've invested into your family.

 

That said, I've not had the experience your describing. That could be because 1) my kids are way more normal than superstarish :001_smile:; 2) I don't share about our education unless really asked really sincerely; 3) I have IRL friends who share some of the same goals. Probably a bit of all of those. Before some innocent bystander gets the last seven years of your angst:D, I'd seriously pray that the Lord would bring a like-minded friend your way. Until then, feel free to share here. Much of what we share reasonates deeply and that has to be therapeutic for this journey.

 

Many blessings for your day,

Lisa

[flyingmommy]

Janice, you make a very good point. And so did the poster (sorry, I didn't look back to see who it was) who commented that jealousy is at the heart of a lot of those "lucky" comments. I get those, too. They are almost universally from people who are in life situations that are not of their own choosing.

 

You have inspired me to answer those "Wow, you sure are lucky to ........" comments this way:

 

"Luck has nothing to do with it! It's hard work and the Grace of God."

 

Keep on keepin' on! Parents are some of the most competitive people I've ever dealt with and each one wants to believe that their child is the best. I prefer to believe that they are not tearing you down intentionally, but I'm sure some of them are. The only thing that matters is how you and your family feel about your lives.

 

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job!

 

Go Janice! Go Janice! Go Janice!

 

 

Jeannie

[Sylvia in CA]

I rarely post on here although I read a lot of the posts. Yours struck me. You are in good company because I believe many struggle through those same sentiments ... the naysayers, the jealous although they don't admit it. I've come down to it being jealousy most of the time, as was already mentioned. They covet what you have-- a supportive husband and some pretty good kids. I usually get the "I could never do that ... I don't know how you do it!"

 

Well, let me tell you with now my oldest a freshman in college. It works! All the time, effort, tears, sleepless nights, driving around, stress, no time for me, it goes on and on ... it's all worth it. My dd says now "If I can I want to homeschool my kids. It's the best education ever." Believe me, she knows. She homeschooled most of the time but did attend two years IB public school program with very rigorous work and has many friends who are in similar programs and those who are in private schools. All that, she says, does not compare to homeschooling, especially with our standards. That, to me, is one of my greatest testimonies, that my dd sees the value and wants to do it herself.

 

Now my next one is 15 almost 16 and I see great advantages to homeschooling him. He has never done anything else and I think he will be the better for it. I can see it already.

 

All that luck does turn out to be all that hard work everyone in your family is putting forth. Flyingmommy said it. It is the Grace of God. That's also what I always say, "Praise God and by the Grace of God."

 

:grouphug:

 

Lots of love around here :001_smile:

 

Sylvia

[Kfamily]

I can only offer lots of these::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:!

 

Also, just know that you are understood so much more than you might think.

 

I do rely off of the wisdom and true passion for teaching and education that I feel from so many of you ladies. Where I live (and homeschooling is fairly popular here) even those who homeschool do not understand what I am trying to achieve much less anyone else! I live in a family friendly city where kids and education are important to many and I still feel sooo isolated. It's not because I don't spend time with them-we just see this whole thing so differently.

 

I wish we could all meet in real life too!

Please hang in there!

 

:001_smile:

[WTMCassandra]

I totally get what you are saying. I totally get the "lucky" comments when the truth is that a lot of labor went into those results. And I totally get people discounting you IRL.

 

The good news is, your DH "gets" you. Your children "get" you. These are huge blessings and not to be overlooked.

 

But.

 

I think there's a reason why in the Bible it says that your children will rise up and call you blessed (when they are grown). It doesn't say your extended family will rise up and call you blessed! ; ) I think that's because, if you are going to get any outside validation (and not everyone does), your DH and children are the only ones who have a shot at understanding how truly hard you have worked.

 

In the meantime, in those validation-empty years, I think we have to sort of put blinders on. We have to determine what we think is right and do that, without looking to the right or left or even sharing our plans with those who consistently nay-say us. Pass lots of bean dip. And commiserate with like-minded people who "get" you, like those on this board.

 

I will have to say, having met some people IRL now from the other side of my state, I have such a tremendous respect for this board, this community. Before when I knew someone from the board IRL, it was that I knew them IRL first, and then they joined the board. When I moved to this coast 2 1/2 years ago, I stumbled on a group of people that met on the board first and then IRL. These women are from all backgrounds, are all very different, have different goals, and yet the community works. There is mutual respect, room for people to make different choices, and an honest dialogue in the realm of ideas. These are people who have sincere goals for their children and are trying to look at the big picture. They are awesome--we on this board are awesome! It is a gift--as I pass the 40 mark I am beginning to realize how rare indeed it is.

 

And I have found that the people around me in real life, extended family, and others around me, rarely get it the way the people on this board do.

 

It is really hard to do the unseen, thankless, hard jobs. But I think we will reap the rewards over time.

[Nissi]

Janice, I enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for sharing from your life. You are a gifted person driven to excel and most gifted people are misunderstood often. Thank God for your drive to excel, take time to meditate and renew your mind with Scripture and song, and may faith fill your heart and flood it with great joy and peace in God. Lots of hugs.

Nissi

[prairiegirl]

Janice, I have been on these message boards for 6 years (lurking mostly.) I have always enjoyed your posts. Your wisdom, encouragement and humour have helped me many, many times.

 

Thank you so much for posting this today. I have had a rough two days. All of my children have learning differences. We were at the Speech & Language Path. yesterday for my ds. The Speech Path. told me that she thought there were more to my son's problems than we initially thought. She told me that she didn't think it would be possible to homeschool my children through highschool, seeing their difficulties.

 

I came away from that meeting feeling so deflated and discouraged. For a brief moment in time, I believed her. In talking to my dh and dc, though, I am back on the hs'ing horse. Your words built me back up as well. Thank you.

 

Janice, I believe in you.

I believe in your children.

You rock!

[4wildberrys]

Wow---I read your post yesterday, but came back again to read it today and comment. Your feelings really, really speak to me and my family right now. We are literally an "island of isolation" living in this small town with only a handful of homeschoolers---most of which have little kids or are totally whacked out fundamentalist whatevers----who DON'T socialize with "heathens" like us. Sometimes I wonder why we even continue with what we are doing---I KNOW in my heart it is the right thing---but it is SOOO LONELY here. It is agonizing at times........:001_huh: I have been told that the reason we don't fit in is because we are "Californians...period." I guess we stick out like a sore thumb---you know the type---smile at people and say "Hi" on the street, like to have people over for a BBQ, real spur of the moment fun types. I guess it is offensive here. We can't even go to church anymore because the nice "Christian" kids have made an absolute Pariah out of our dd :confused: Truly sickening. But still we plod along---knowing we are doing the right thing, having faith that tomorrow will be a better day. In 15 years of trying to move, talking about moving etc.---it has never happened. So here we stay. I would LOVE to have a friend like you in real life----or at least a group of homeschoolers to get together with who actually LIKE to talk homeschooling and curriculum and who want to stick it through all the way through high school. Perhaps it is the time of year----but I am totally feeling what you are right now.

[Colleen in NS]

So to all of you who attempting the impossible, striving toward the improbable, and struggling to maintain hope in the face of interesting odds:

I believe in you.

I believe in your children.

Rock on!

Push forward!

Pursue ALL that you hold precious!

 

Thank you, dear Janice. I wish I knew you IRL.

[Janice in NJ]

I am usually able to work things out on my own.

Sometimes I just can't do that.

 

When I'm "homeschool" stumped, pouring out my heart to you guys always gives me a new way of looking at things. A leg up. A much-needed new perspective.

 

I'm sure that you've all saved some poor innocent from receiving a tongue-lashing that they DON'T deserve! :001_smile: I really appreciate that!

 

And thank you SO much for your encouraging words and kind comments. It means a lot.

 

Peace,

Janice

[Nan in Mass]

I always love your posts.

Don't disappear, even if you decide to do something else for high school, ok? We all need you here very badly. Sometimes I read your posts just to read the way you sign your name, with its reminder to cherish my children for who they are right now, not just as the people I am trying to make them.

I, too, am one of the lucky ones, not so much because of my children's academic achievements (mine are very ordinary in an area of high achievement), but because of other things. I'm lucky because of my husband. The funny part is that those same people who tell me I am lucky now are the ones who thought I was crazy to be with him when we were 16. And I'm lucky to live on a lake. People have been shaking their heads for years and saying they don't understand how I could live in such a small house. Well... They look at the peacewalking my children are doing and say they wish their children would do something like that, but they have been saying for years and years that they didn't know why I bothered with all the expense and sacrifice (and it is a huge, huge family sacrifice) to have my children in gymnastics, and how I could be so idealistic and impractical as to raise my children not to kill even ants. Somehow, they can't see that they are the same thing. They say I'm lucky that my children are practical when it comes to career choices, but they thought we were just goofing off when I sent them to help my father one afternoon a week (where they learned to work). I agree that it is very frustrating. Generally, I myself feel so lucky, and I am so sheltered from these people so much of the time that they don't do more than ruffle my feathers. I just had a weekend of getting them ruffled, though, so your post has been very timely and I appreciate it.

 

About a the other fears you mentioned... My experience is fairly limited, but I think that if life with your children hasn't gone wrong when they are at the yelly stage between 13-15, you can relax and assume that it won't. And every fall when we begin school, I think I'll never even make it through a second day of our schedule, nevermind a whole year. I struggle through a week, and a second week, and a third. By then, I've usually begun to figure out what I can get away with not doing (one year it was folding and putting away laundry - we mostly live out of the clean laundry baskets now) and figured out a way to ease the driving/waiting situation enough that it becomes doable. By the end of Oct., we've stopped doing both our summer things and our school/gym/activites schedule and that eases things up. By Thanksgiving, we've neglected a few academic things so badly that we might as well drop them. And generally, by the time the snow comes, we've settled down to our winter lives - not exactly easy, but doable. You've homeschooled long enough to know this. High school isn't any different. I usually skimp a little when I tell the school department my plans. That way, when we wind up doing less, it isn't a problem for them. I plan three times as much as is possible for all of high school, but that works out very nicely because it allows me to choose each next book and each next subject easily from my list, without having to scramble around wondering about my choices. Not that I don't reassess those choices from time to time, or have to choose something I hadn't thought of at the beginning. General, though, I've found it was just fine to have lots of plans for how to cover lots of things. My children change and grow and having lots of plans makes it much easier to be flexible when I am feeling braindead or busy. Otherwise, I tend to balk at changing course when I am tired, which I mostly am after September. So plan away, enjoy the plans and the hopes, and be confident that in the end, you won't have done many things, but your children will still seem miraculous to you, even if they seem like ordinary adults to other people, and as Rhondabee said, meanwhile you will have given them an "oasis of peace" for four more years of their lives, very, very important formative years. You will have shoved aside the world and given them a place in which to grow into themselves. In the end, that is more important than APs.

 

Hugs and thanks again,

-Nan

[Sharon in MD]

You are one of what one of my old friends would call the "Wise Buffalo Women" of the board! And I do mean that as a real compliment! You are definitely one of my Titus 2 ladies. I have learned so much from your thoughtful posts since I've been coming to this board. Thank you, Janice, for all the time and effort you have expended, reaching out to help so many of us!:grouphug:

 

I can identify with so much that you have said. It is so hard not to let the turkeys get you down when all you can hear is the gobbling going on. I do think that the "lucky" phrase is a good bit of jealousy and I think it also often reflects an unwillingness on the speaker's part to take responsibility for their own life. You see, if our successes can be attributed to luck, then their situation is just bad fortune as well....not bad choices or an unwillingness to struggle to gain success.

 

But, chin up! You have the support of those that matter most! You husband and your kids. And, like you said, you know in your heart that you are doing what is right and best. That is all that really matters. There will always be nay sayers. But hopefully we can be your "YAY!!!!!!" sayers.

 

So....you go girl!!! Keep up the good fight. We all believe in you and your family.

 

:patriot: I salute you!

[mcconnellboys]

Sing it, sister! Just put those fingers right into your ears and keep on singin' as your kids wend their way all the way through college and/or life, successfully, thanks to their strong mamma!

[laughing lioness]

Janice,

What a beautiful post. What a boost of encouragement on a Monday morning, when spring is not yet here, we are tired and weary of the year and there is still more to do, to come here, read your post and find strength and encouragement, Thank-you for writing and posting this. It meant so much to me! :grouphug: Lisa