Discipline for a 2.5 yr.old that hits

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Yes, that would be my son. He is 2.5 yrs. old and we recently completed our adoption. He was placed with us at 6 days old and left us for (2) two month periods when reunification was attempted. The first time was when he was only 2 weeks old but the second time was just before he turned two (April of this year - he turned two in May. He has always been challenging but as he has gotten older things have progressed for the worse. Since July, he has been on a hitting tangent. We deal with this every day. It controls the whole dynamic of this household. I even see my daughter (18 days older and also adopted - they have grown up together) changing. She has become defiant and her whole demeanor is different. This causes so much stress on top of his other issues (whining, destructive, in constant motion, etc.). Our house is in a state of chaos.

 

We just had him evaluated through our agency provider and was told that his behaviors are normal and that he has the speech and cognitive skills of a 7 year old (he is extremely bright). I cannot accept that hitting all the time is normal. I try to engage him as much as I can but if I turn my back for one minute he is off to no good or hitting. It is really wearing on me.

 

Have any of you been in this situation? Any thoughts, strategies, recommendations?

 

Thank you from a weary mom!

 

Lisa

[mommylawyer]

My two year old is starting to pick fights on occasion with her big brother and sister. I usually remove her from the situation - i.e., time out for 2 minutes in a room by herself. I stand in the doorway to keep her in (I don't start closing the door until age 3).

 

If they're fighting over a toy, just take the toy away from both. It's easier than dealing with the "I had it first" argument.

[Katiebug_1976]

OK, I have not experienced this exact problem, so I probably should keep my mouth shut, but I have a hard time doing that. Feel free to ignore me if you wish, but here are my thoughts. If he is extremely bright and advanced for his age like you say, then mabye hitting and acting out is his way of telling you he's bored??? Or needs activities at a higher level??

 

Hope you find a solution,

Katie :0)

[blessed2fosteradopt]

OK, I have not experienced this exact problem, so I probably should keep my mouth shut, but I have a hard time doing that. Feel free to ignore me if you wish, but here are my thoughts. If he is extremely bright and advanced for his age like you say, then mabye hitting and acting out is his way of telling you he's bored??? Or needs activities at a higher level??

 

Hope you find a solution,

Katie :0)

 

I think you may be somewhat right to a degree but I also feel there is more to it. Most of the time I do try to engage him. Unfortunately, if it has anything to do with crafts all he does is destroy (breaks crayons, rips paper, stomps on things, etc. He is always throwing his toys. If we go out in the backyard all he wants to do is throw rocks in the pool. If I turn my back or if he has ANY downtime he hits. I have tried endless time outs, removing toys, etc. Nothing that I have tried works. My friend does occasionally watch him for me with his sister (she babysits other children and sometimes I need a break) but it has gotten to the point where she can't handle him either because he is hitting all the other children. He really has a sweet spirit but just has this incessant need to hit and destroy things. It seems that he has no impulse control. :confused:

[Tap]

We deal with this from our Foster/adopt 2yo dd.

 

I had her go to therapy for behavior issues for several months and I learned Sooooooo Much ! If you have the option of a behavior therapist, I really recommend you try that route.

 

Dd also goes to an OT because she has sensory issues.

 

These two things go hand in hand.

 

Dd will act out when she gets overloaded with auditory sensory input and she tries to balance it by increasing her physical sensory input.

 

For her (not saying this is your case just what we have learned about our dd) it is like having a box made of Lego's, that is full of golf balls, marbles, sand and a few other things. The balls and marbles are her auditory and visual sensory tolerance. The Lego's are her physical sensory inputs. If she gets too much of the auditory/visual input, those two items it overflow the physical input threshold of the Lego's, and it all falls apart.

 

Our dd would act up when there was too much input on her auditory and visual thresholds. She needed the physical input and so she would get it by hitting and kicking. She wasn't trying to hurt anyone, she just needed things to do with her hands/feet. We had to teach her things that were appropriate to do and things that weren't. But it couldn't just be a 'stop that' type command, it had to be replaced with something else. We still have good days and bad days, but we have a greater number of good now than we ever imagined. :)

 

If this speaks to you at all I would be happy to share a few things I learned either here or by PM.

 

 

ETA: You may want to look at a book called The Out of Sync Child and another called The Out of Sync Child Has Fun by Carol Stock Kranowitz

Edited February 27, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[Joanne]

Unfortunately, if it has anything to do with crafts all he does is destroy (breaks crayons, rips paper, stomps on things, etc. He is always throwing his toys. If we go out in the backyard all he wants to do is throw rocks in the pool. If I turn my back or if he has ANY downtime he hits.

 

I agree with tap, tap, tap. It sounds like he seeks sensation/sensory experience. I'd start by developing a routine for your day that includes several types of sensory experience and play: play doh, water, dried beans, shaving cream, jello.

 

I'd buy him one of those inflatible punching bags.

 

I'd get him a mini trampoline (for one person, also known as a rebounder).

 

I'd rub, scratch, squeeze and hold him often.

 

In what situations/settings does he hit?

[Mom-ninja.]

It also sounds like sensory issues to me. I read a book recently that explained a lot. "The Out of Sync Child" is what I think is was titled.

 

My ds has definate sensory issues, and he has gotten better behavior wise as he gets older. He still needs a very strong "touch" though. He can't just simply hug, he has to squeeze you hard. He is constantly thumbing (reduced from hitting) people. He also always always runs up and pushes his hand into your stomach hard. He has to have a rough and strong touch in order for his brain to be able to be stimulated. Trust me it drives me batty as he always rams into my stomach multiple times a day. I try to remember why he does it, and so far I have not duct taped his hands to his sides....

 

I've heard occupational therapy can help. I do keep eyeballing the duct tape though....;)

[Lovedtodeath]

But it couldn't just be a 'stop that' type command, it had to be replaced with something else.

What do you replace it with?

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Thank you all so far. Here is just some more input to add to answer some questions that have been posed.

 

He hits in all different types of situations. He hits when he doesn't get his way, he hits when he is put in time out and he hits when he fights with his sister over a toy, book, etc. He also hits just for the heck of it. For instance, my 10 year old can be sitting on the couch reading a book and he will go over and just whack him. Just the other day, my daughter was lying on her back on her playmat and he went over and squeezed her face. His hitting/hurtful behavior is mostly confined to his peer group but he also hits my son quite often (age 10). He has hit me but it is rare and he never hits my husband.

 

Tap, please share more. I would love to hear what you have learned. Just FYI, he did have 6 months of physical therapy as a baby. He had lower trunk strength and was stiff. He didn't really crawl much before walking. They didn't think he would walk before he was one but he did so at 11 months. He is VERY clumsy. He is also small for his age (2.5 years and 26 lbs.). He was small at birth but was full term. I don't know if any of this is relevant but I thought I would throw it out there.

 

Thanks again!

 

Lisa

Edited February 27, 2009 by blessed2fosteradopt
typos

[runamuk]

This sounds like our son. Hitting, throwing, breaking, hurting and general destructiveness. He was also very emotional and would have tantrums and crying fits.

 

A girlfriend of mine had similar issues with her daughter and their family doctor suggested that she remove food dyes from her daughter's diet. When I told her about the problems I was having with Mac, she suggested I try the same.

 

We removed food dyes from his diet 6 months ago and the change has been remarkable. Most of the hitting, hurting and destructive behavior has stopped. The tantrums have all but stopped, as well. That's not to say there's been a 180 degree change - he's four years old - but the change is dramatic enough that I firmly believe that food dyes played a big part in his behavior and emotions.

 

Our son is also quite bright for his age and I find that keeping him occupied, physically or mentally, is crucial in keeping his behavior in check. I make sure he gets some physical exercise every day, even if it's just dancing around the house when it's too cold to go outside. Mazes, dot-to-dots, hidden puzzles (I Spy, Highlights, Where's Waldo), logic puzzles (Zoologic), card games and board games are some of his favorites. Legos, blocks, bricks (the cardboard kind), marble runs and setting up dominoes keep him busy. We also started a math program and a phonics program. Plus lots of reading and cuddling.

 

I'd be willing to share more with you via PM, if you like. :)

[FO4UR]

My first thought was emotional trauma from being separated from his bio mom at 6days old, and then from you when the reunification was attempted. I've heard of kids lashing out like that out of fear/rage/anxiety from being separated from mommy for more than a day.

 

I am not very knowledgable about the subject, but that would be my first avenue to explore.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

My first thought was emotional trauma from being separated from his bio mom at 6days old, and then from you when the reunification was attempted. I've heard of kids lashing out like that out of fear/rage/anxiety from being separated from mommy for more....

 

The first reunification lasted two weeks (I just realized that I made a mistake in my first post) and that was the only time he was with his bio mom and a non-relative placement b/c mom was a minor (she abandoned him at the hospital initially and he had shelter care for the first five days of his life). The second attempt was with a family member. After two months, they said they couldn't handle him. When he came back to me after 2 months, it was as if he barely knew who I was. I was shocked because he had been with me all his life. It took a few weeks for him to open back up and now he is very bonded with all of us. The last separation may be the reason for the increased intensity of his behavior but the hitting/destructiveness has always been there.

 

His bio mom was/is very violent. She is young and was a foster child herself. The last I heard about her was that she was removed from a group home because she broke another child's nose and eye socket. Very sad situation. She is truly a victim herself. The reason I mention all this is because I am wondering if there are any genetic components that I may be dealing with.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Runamuk, please feel free here or to PM me with you experiences. I am willing to try anything!

 

Thank you,

 

Lisa

[Lovedtodeath]

Any thoughts?

 

Runamuk, please feel free here or to PM me with you experiences. I am willing to try anything!

 

I can't help but recommend EFT. It has helped me and it works with children much faster than adults. www.tapping.com

 

http://www.emofree.com/Children/wisdomsandoz.htm

 

http://www.emofree.com/Trauma/prenatal-trauma-sondra.htm

 

http://www.emofree.com/Children/forparents.htm

 

http://www.emofree.com/Children/EFT-with-children-guidelines.htm

[mom2att]

Agreeing with the food additives/dyes suggestion, and giving two more book recommendations:

 

"Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

"The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene

 

Both of these were eye-opening when learning to deal with my middle child's behavior issues (which included a very aggressive stage between ages 2 - 4). We had a "self-control chair" which we used for hitting/throwing episodes. Two might be on the young side for something like this, but if his language/comprehension skills are good it might work. For us it was an opportunity for ds to take a breather and know that his choices were less than desirable.

 

We also started monitoring his diet for artificial flavors and colors when he was about five--the result was very positive. Of course time and maturity have made the biggest difference--he's 8 now, still quirky, but much better at handling frustration and his emotions.

 

Hang in there--with my ds the ride has been rough, but the rewards have been tremendous. He's an awesome kid!

[blessed2fosteradopt]

Hang in there--with my ds the ride has been rough, but the rewards have been tremendous. He's an awesome kid!

 

Thank you for this. He IS an awesome kid. He just boggles my mind with the way he converses, his language skills, etc. Everywhere we go, people are astounded by him. He can carry on a full conversation and his retention level is amazing. He can be so sweet and he really cherishes positive reinforcement which I am trying to provide readily.

 

I will go to the library today to look up all the book suggestions and definitely look into making modifications to his diet.

 

Blessings,

 

Lisa

[Lovedtodeath]

It just occurred to me that I had gotten advice about this particular behavior... hitting and biting. I was told that the act of hitting or biting is the reward. As long as they are allowed to complete it they are satisfied. The best way to stop the behavior is to catch it before they hit or bite so they don't get the satisfaction.

 

Make sure that there are options available for that sensory need. (hammer toy, heavy balls to throw, toys to bite on, etc.)

[East Coast Sue]

I sent you a PM. This sounds like RAD and from my personal experience you'll need some professional help to figure out how best to parent these problems.

 

Feel free to send me a message or ask any questions.

[lmrich]

My son constantly bit me at that age. I started taking him outside more for exercise. He was my oldest and my other was comfortable in a snugli on my chest. This may not work for you, but still today when he seems more aggressive than usual; I say go outside and burn some of that off. BTW my little guy was extremely bright then too, as well as now... but man he has a lot of energy. Good luck and God Bless you.

[Mama Lynx]

You're going to give a written guarantee regarding the behavior of someone else's child? That's impressive. I don't think any of the published experts give that kind of guarantee, do they?

 

Oddly enough, I was able to stop my toddler from hitting by talking to him, redirecting him, holding back his hands a few times, and with a few time-outs.

[melissel]

Thank you, Susan.