RebeccaS Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 We've had our Adoptive Status son for about a month now. While he's pleasant with us, reasonably obedient, etc, I'm not sure about the bonding. Short story: He's from foster care, just turned 3 in September, we're his fourth home (third time in adoptive status). I don't expect this to happen overnight (though I wish it would), but is there something I can do to actively work towards bonding? We were assured that he's bonded before, he will probably do it again, but I do worry. Things I do now: read books to, play with him, but he does not stay with me for very long. For example, yesterday I let him pick out the book and he sat for about one page before he was poking the other kids and generally not paying attention. He'd leave the sofa, but if one of the other kids wanted to move into his space next to me (to be closer to the book) he'd come running back over and want to get in again. So, to keep this for getting crazy long, what sort of things do I look for in bonding or not bonding? I'm not sure how much is personality v. bonding (eg my kids are VERY affectionate and he is not). Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 (edited) Will he let you rock him? I rocked our foster children at night and many times during the day. Sometimes I would even put a special blanket around their sholders to make a cocoon feel. The rocking motion, (and swinging on a swing) is very good for foster children. We didn't own a rocking chair at the time so a dear friend let us borrow hers for a while. I even used to sing a bonding song, (that I made up) while I rocked them. LOL! I would beg, borrow or steal a rocking chair if you have to because it will be well worth it. If he won't let you rock him then he may have attachment disorder and I highly recommend the book, Holding Time. I can't remember the author, but I got it at our library. Don't give up because you are saving a life. Bonding is one of the most important things you can do for him. On a side note our three adopted foster children are affectionate children though my youngest was not that way when we first got him. It took him about 9 months before he would come to me for comfort when he got hurt. Then he got progressively better every year. Forgot to add that there is a very experienced foster parent on these boards named Ottakee. You might want to pm her as I am sure she would have some great suggestions. Edited January 22, 2009 by Ferdie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Thank you so much for the guidance! Social Services has not been a lot of help in that area. Just to tell me it will take time, but not so much what to do in the mean time. I knew going into this that it wasn't going to be easy, but it all went so fast (bringing him here-he needed to leave his other home asap) that I didn't do much reading up on exactly how to bond. It just sorta happened with my own babies. I've not had to do it with a toddler/preschooler. Anyway, he will let me rock him and one time he sat on my lap to be comforted when he got hurt, but he didn't come to me-I went to him and had him sit with me. He didn't pull away and did snuggle in but not for long and he hasn't done it since. I think I'm going to implement rocking with him. We do have an nice comfy rocker and my own dh has suggested allowing him to stay up later than the other kids to give him some one on one time with me. (He doesn't get that here as it stands...) Thanks again-we are really new to this fostering/adopting and I feel kind of inadequate right now. :blushing: I want to help him. We have no intentions of giving up on him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Keep him near you as much as possible. (Obviously.) As you walk through the house, see if he'll walk with you. Hold his hand as you walk through the house. Whenever you do a chore, have him help with it, in a fun way, so that you're constantly together. (When you make the bed, it's his job to throw the pillows on the floor, and then back up on the bed.) Include him in everything you do, but the fun stuff. Let him stir the food, put the soap in the washing machine, put the silverware away. Do everything side-by-side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Bless you for sheltering this child. The first 4 months were the hardest for us. I didn't think we were going to make it. Just hang in there. Also, I forgot to mention that every now and then when you rock him try to position him that you can look into his eyes. There is something about looking in their eyes while rocking that helps the bonding process. I am praying for you, Rebecca. Keep us posted when you have time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Thank you so much for the guidance! Social Services has not been a lot of help in that area. Just to tell me it will take time, but not so much what to do in the mean time. I knew going into this that it wasn't going to be easy, but it all went so fast (bringing him here-he needed to leave his other home asap) that I didn't do much reading up on exactly how to bond. It just sorta happened with my own babies. I've not had to do it with a toddler/preschooler. Anyway, he will let me rock him and one time he sat on my lap to be comforted when he got hurt, but he didn't come to me-I went to him and had him sit with me. He didn't pull away and did snuggle in but not for long and he hasn't done it since. I think I'm going to implement rocking with him. We do have an nice comfy rocker and my own dh has suggested allowing him to stay up later than the other kids to give him some one on one time with me. (He doesn't get that here as it stands...) Thanks again-we are really new to this fostering/adopting and I feel kind of inadequate right now. :blushing: I want to help him. We have no intentions of giving up on him. does he have a special blankie? maybe you and the other kids could make him a no-sew fleece blanket. http://www.allkindsofbabystuff.com/no_sew_fleece_blankets.html If he helps pick out the fleece and sees the other kids & you making it for him perhaps that would be a beginning. My kiddos each have their own special blankets and it's helpful when I need to snuggle with them. Now my foster dd brings hers to me when she's needing more love. She's not speaking yet, but when she's dragging her mimi I know she's wanting her love tank filled. My foster babies arrived as infants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peri Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 We've had our Adoptive Status son for about a month now. While he's pleasant with us, reasonably obedient, etc, I'm not sure about the bonding. Short story: He's from foster care, just turned 3 in September, we're his fourth home (third time in adoptive status). I don't expect this to happen overnight (though I wish it would), but is there something I can do to actively work towards bonding? We were assured that he's bonded before, he will probably do it again, but I do worry. Things I do now: read books to, play with him, but he does not stay with me for very long. For example, yesterday I let him pick out the book and he sat for about one page before he was poking the other kids and generally not paying attention. He'd leave the sofa, but if one of the other kids wanted to move into his space next to me (to be closer to the book) he'd come running back over and want to get in again. So, to keep this for getting crazy long, what sort of things do I look for in bonding or not bonding? I'm not sure how much is personality v. bonding (eg my kids are VERY affectionate and he is not). Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? This sounds very much like my middle child. He's five now and does show affection but at the age of three he was too curious and active to sit still for a huggle or a snuggle which I love to do. So it may just be personality but it could also be him going from home to home. Imagine yourself, that you had just opened up and bonded with a family and then you get moved out and placed with another family. I would assume there would be some feeling of abandonment and resentment for 9in his mind) being abandoned. Try spending time with him alone. Just you and him or your husband and him. Let him lead the play time and make it seem like your interested in what he's interested in. You have to enter his world safely and without harm to invite him into your world safely. It may take a while. Just be patient. You can accomplish more with patience and tolerance. I wish you lots of luck and love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I'm crying reading all the posts here. God bless all of you and your wonderful families!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think letting him stay up later might be perfect! And if he's sleepy, he might be more cuddly. Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smg0918 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I'm crying reading all the posts here. Me, too. I'm a newbie here and haven't posted much on this forum but I have to say that these posts have really touched my heart today. What a lucky, lucky little boy to have a new mom and dad and siblings to love him. :::tears::: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 We have friends who adopted from Africa last year. They were told to be the only caregivers until the children bonded. Be the only ones to hold or hug them, feed them, do all necessary care-giving. Read and cuddle daily, brush their hair, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherMayI Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Have you read http://http://www.amazon.com/Attaching-Adoption-Practical-Todays-Parents/dp/0944934293 this book? It has a lot of great tips. Attachment wasn't an issue in the adopotion of our daughter, but I have several friends who adopted older children, and with consistency, love, and time (with emphasis on the word time!) they all have wonderful, loving relationships with their children. Best wishes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I remember when my now 11yo was first placed with us. He was 1yo, but extremely small (10lbs.)and sick bc he was born at 25 weeks. I remember having him in his rear facing carseat in the back seat of our car while he was projectile vomiting (which he did dozens of times a day until he had a surgical fix a year later). The highway traffic was crazy and I couldn't pull over immediately, so my 8 months pregnant friend was leaning back to suction him. I felt terrible for him but I wasn't bonded with him yet. I wanted to love him and be bonded with him. My friend reminds me how I said - "Someday I'm going to love him so much and remember how this felt. I'll look back and I will be amazed at how much I've come to love him." And it's true! Many nights caring for him sick, hospitalizations, praying for him, fun family times, more children to love him, dealing with his quirks and autism diagnosis with God's mercy... It all led to our tight bond - just as close as our bio kids. I would love to foster/adopt more, but our hands our too full now. Our bio kids talk all the time about the special children they want to foster/adopt though. So, in that sense we'll continue on I believe! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I remember when my now 11yo was first placed with us. He was 1yo, but extremely small (10lbs.)and sick bc he was born at 25 weeks. I remember having him in his rear facing carseat in the back seat of our car while he was projectile vomiting (which he did dozens of times a day until he had a surgical fix a year later). The highway traffic was crazy and I couldn't pull over immediately, so my 8 months pregnant friend was leaning back to suction him. I felt terrible for him but I wasn't bonded with him yet. I wanted to love him and be bonded with him. My friend reminds me how I said - "Someday I'm going to love him so much and remember how this felt. I'll look back and I will be amazed at how much I've come to love him." And it's true! Many nights caring for him sick, hospitalizations, praying for him, fun family times, more children to love him, dealing with his quirks and autism diagnosis with God's mercy... It all led to our tight bond - just as close as our bio kids. I would love to foster/adopt more, but our hands our too full now. Our bio kids talk all the time about the special children they want to foster/adopt though. So, in that sense we'll continue on I believe! Thank you so much for that. Sometimes I'm not sure what scares me more-that he'll not bond with us, or we'll not bond with him. It's just so different from bringing my babies home. We've brought home a preschooler with all his quirks and behaviors and it's sometimes hard and scary. I pray that one day I can say the same thing-that I'm amazed at how much I've come to love him. I want to bond and I want to love, but it's not something I've had to work at before and this morning I was feeling pretty lost on the whole thing. I'm coming to the late afternoon, now, feeling so much better about it. I feel like I have a game plan, books to read, help. Thank you all so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherMayI Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Sometimes you have to choose to act bonded and the feelings come later. I read an article in Adoptive Parenting magazine where the author/mother talked about how her philosophy during the beginning was "fake it until you make it" and pretty soon she wasn't faking it anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Governess Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Our dd2 came home with us when she was 8 months old. Not quite the same situation as you have, but we did have some bonding issues. We had problems bottle feeding her at first (she was used to having a bottle propped up in her crib and didn't like being held), and even now she's not as cuddly as dd4, but that could also just be her personality (she's much more wiggly and on-the-go in general). But here are some things that helped: 1. Lots of touch, esp. skin-to-skin contact. Backrubs, snuggles, lap-sitting, rocking, carrying, anything that encourages touch. 2. Eye contact. You can make a game of this (where's mommy's nose? where are her eyes?), do nose kisses, make silly faces, put face paint on each other, etc. If he has a hard time with eye contact, try doing it first in a mirror. 3. Sole provider of care - the more care a single person (or two) can give to a child, the quicker the bonding process. 4. Co-sleeping or snuggling/rocking to sleep If he's not a snuggler, try first while he is distracted, like when you're watching a movie. It took us a few months before dd (and dh and I) felt securely attached. I would imagine an older child will take longer than that, esp. since he has had multiple care givers. I hope and pray that you see some breakthroughs soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Our dd2 came to us at 5mths from the state. It did take a while to bond. The time, when I notice a big difference for me, was when I was worried about her. When she was sick and slept on my chest for a week. Those were the times that I really noticed my level of bonding had grown. Some people just seem to bond to everyone so easy, but for me it really takes a while. Even now, almost 2 years later, there are still times that I know, that I feel that I am not her bio-mother. It is just different to me. I do love her wholeheartedly, but it is different. The roller coaster of foster care/adoption also caused us to keep her at an arms distance for a while. She almost went home to her bio-parents, several times and it wasn't until the day we signed papers that it really seemed real. For dh and I we have definitely bonded more after the signing. I think our brains knew that there was a chance she could go home, and it wasn't until we signed that we knew that she was really ours, forever. I hope that everything happens fast for you, and that he is yours forever, in heart and on paper, very soon. Tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I agree touch is very important. Both of our boys had completely different personalities and responded differently but both eventually bonded with us. Our first son was happy go lucky and fairly quickly connected. I would stroke his arms and rub his back at night when I was tucking him bed. I would have sit with me to read . . . hold his hand when walking . . . hug him whenever warranted. Son number two was much more reserved but needed that touch too. I went out of our way to hold him and talk with him and I would acknowledge his fears and insecurities and assure him things would get better. I will also say we had dogs at the time and they made wonderful intermediate bonding instruments. Many times I'd see the boys playing with the dogs who offered immediate and unconditional love to these kiddies. I think pets do help with the transition. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Do you have an Ergo or something like this? I was still wearing my son for walks around the block...mall...I could walk him with an Ergo for a few hours at a time. I've heard sleeping with children with bonding issues is good...but that may cause other problems...(I still have my 5 year old that comes pop in bed at night...when he wakes up...I'm fine with this...He is independent and yet likes Mama time:-) I like the blanket idea... It'll happen...slowly...but surely:-) Carrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 (edited) My kid cuddles now, but not much at that age. I found singing to him and rocking or playing some sort of counting game, like having him sit on your lap facing away and hold his hands and hold them over his chest. Move right arm out to side and back (saying 1-2), then do left (3-4) with the right hand on his chest. Then right arm forward (5-6) and then left (7-8). Repeat at twice the speed with no pauses (ONE two THree four FIve six SEven eight) and then do a little Tarzan ahahahahaha thump on the chest. Maybe it is in our genes but all son and all my little relatives love this. My brother made it up. Edited January 23, 2009 by kalanamak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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