Anyone want to listen?

[TexasProud]

The hot thread made me realize something depending on which of my formats, between 60 times and 120 times more people have seen this thread than have seen my blog, podcast or newsletter. So my very carefully thought out, crafted, knowing exactly what to say doesn't matter.  People would rather read my tantrums, my logical fallacies, my distorted thinking rather than my thoughts when I am thinking clearly, when I have weeded out all of the black and white thinking, catastrophizing, etc.  

That makes me incredibly sad. And it only cements my decision to hang it  up.  (By that I mean closing down the newsletter and blog and probably the podcast, though I enjoy that one so we will see.)

Edited August 20 by TexasProud
clarity

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

The hot thread made me realize something depending on which of my formats, between 60 times and 120 times more people have seen this thread than have seen my blog, podcast or newsletter. So my very carefully thought out, crafted, knowing exactly what to say doesn't matter.  People would rather read my tantrums, my logical fallacies, my distorted thinking rather than my thoughts when I am thinking clearly, when I have weeded out all of the black and white thinking, catastrophizing, etc.  

That makes me incredibly sad. And it only cements my decision to hang it up. 

this is a false comparison. Your posts here are a conversation.

Your posts here reveal the real you. In reality, none of us are a perfectly crafted well thought out version of who we are. Plus, there’s a LOT of people on this site already and not just because of you. The reality is that because it’s the internet, being a blogger with a wide following is tough. The competition is fierce. You could have a perfectly incredible blog and it could be buried on page 15 of a google search. 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

this is a false comparison. Your posts here are a conversation.

Your posts here reveal the real you. In reality, none of us are a perfectly crafted well thought out version of who we are. Plus, there’s a LOT of people on this site already and not just because of you. The reality is that because it’s the internet, being a blogger with a wide following is tough. The competition is fierce. You could have a perfectly incredible blog and it could be buried on page 15 of a google search. 

Good points.  Just frustrating. And I will also say that I don't even want a wide following.  If I had 100 involved listeners/readers, I would be thrilled.  

Edited August 20 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

21 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Good points.  Just frustrating. And I will also say that I don't even want a wide following.  If I had 100 involved listeners/readers, I would be thrilled.  

I’ve thought about blogging and the reality is that for most people who spend time on the internet, blogging is a dying art. There aren’t as many people who sit and read blogs anymore. The dynamics have shifted. I’m a content writer. My business has diminished greatly in the last five or so years.
 

If you like blogging do it. If it’s not scratching the itch you need scratched then don’t. But don’t take it personally if it doesn’t work out as you hoped. 
 

what do you want from your blog? Connections with others? discussions? Why do you do it?

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Clarita I guess I am not completely understanding how I would bring up using a code word.  And I guess I don't get exactly what the code word would do.  I am sorry.  I am dense.  I mean just because you say, "I have a crazy idea" doesn't stop the other person from looking at microexpressions, tone of voice to determine if the other person is getting upset or not... 

I am sorry. I am super dense.  

The code word or phrase is fully discussed between you and your husband beforehand. You have to have a conversation which lays out the ground rules for the conversation associated with the code phrase. 

So for my husband and I we had one where I'd say "I'm feeling emotional right now." Prior to using this phrase we had a talk where I told him that when I say these words it means I don't want him to fix anything, because I don't even know if I really feel that way. He came back with he has trouble seeing me cry and not doing anything about it, so I would put a cloth in front of my face when tears are coming. So you both set up ground rules ahead of time to facilitate making it a safe space. 

So the ground rules for you two might be TexasProud needs to fantasies or dreams without Mr. TexasProud trying to make it a reality. When TexasProud says "I have a crazy idea" Mr.TexasProud can not take any action with the things that she mentions in that conversation. Maybe it also includes not asking if a person is getting upset or not. Maybe one or both of you feel safer if after saying "I have crazy idea" that you face away from each other for the conversation so you both can't read the micro expressions. The way these conversations look to an outsider may be absolutely bonkers.

The two of you have agreed beforehand what can or cannot happen after the agreed upon code words are said. 

[marbel]

39 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

The hot thread made me realize something depending on which of my formats, between 60 times and 120 times more people have seen this thread than have seen my blog, podcast or newsletter. So my very carefully thought out, crafted, knowing exactly what to say doesn't matter.  People would rather read my tantrums, my logical fallacies, my distorted thinking rather than my thoughts when I am thinking clearly, when I have weeded out all of the black and white thinking, catastrophizing, etc.  

That makes me incredibly sad. And it only cements my decision to hang it  up.  (By that I mean closing down the newsletter and blog and probably the podcast, though I enjoy that one so we will see.)

Many people view this thread multiple times. I don't know how many comments I've made here, but every one is a view, and each time I come and reread something, that's another view, and so on. And some people are just reading, not commenting, and may view it several times a day as there are new comments.  Fairfarmhand is right, it is not a valid comparison. 

Still, it's not a reason to stop blogging and podcasting if you enjoy it. 

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Good points.  Just frustrating. And I will also say that I don't even want a wide following.  If I had 100 involved listeners/readers, I would be thrilled.  

If that is your goal, you need to use media and spread the word. You said you don't want to do this - fine. Then there won't be many people finding and reading your work.
Alternatively you could plug your work into a larger community and not run your own stuff, but participate in forums and groups that focus on the kind of spiritual contemplation or travel blogs you write.

It makes absolutely no sense comparing that to plopping into a well-established board with thousands of users who are reading. But this could prompt you to go out and search for just such a forum to engage in the other matters dear to your heart. yes, you won't sell your writing there. But maybe the point is being heard.

Edited August 20 by regentrude

[TexasProud]

26 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I’ve thought about blogging and the reality is that for most people who spend time on the internet, blogging is a dying art. There aren’t as many people who sit and read blogs anymore. The dynamics have shifted. I’m a content writer. My business has diminished greatly in the last five or so years.
 

If you like blogging do it. If it’s not scratching the itch you need scratched then don’t. But don’t take it personally if it doesn’t work out as you hoped. 
 

what do you want from your blog? Connections with others? discussions? Why do you do it?

Part of it is to figure out what I think about a topic. By researching and editing a piece, and then this mysterious flow sometimes where I feel like God has shared something special with me, I figure out what I think. 

However, according to my profs, leaders in publishing I admire, you are supposed to solve a reader's problem, do SEO, post on social media....all of which I refuse to do. I don't have a great message I want to teach. I don't want to write a book.  And as @regentrude says you don't have to do all that. You can do it for fun.  I get that. I do. So you don't need to tell me again. @regentrude.  I get it.  I do. 

However, at the same time, it isn't any fun if absolutley no one responds.  I mean what I loved about my writing classes and then the writing groups I was a part of for awhile is hearing other people appreciate what they loved about your writing. I also loved reading other people's work and helping them as well.  That is fun for me. (If you are talking about 6-8 people and not 120 students! That is not so fun.  I enjoy it, but I take a long time.)  So yes, some of what I want is discussion.  Appreciation. For them to say, me too and share a similar experience. 

And if I will be honest, part of it is I don't want to do something unless I am successful at it. So, I look at the steps and figure out how to play the game and get summa cum laude.  However, I think I have come to the place where I am just not willing to play the game, so I need to accept the consequences. Also, part of it is the publishing regularly part as well.  I struggle with that. I am a much slower writer. As you can probably tell from this stream of consciousness writing, my first draft is crap.  Like another writer said, I vomit on the page.  Then I go back and change all the to be verbs.  Then I go back and add concrete and sensory details. I get out my copy of The Synonym Finder to seek better word choices. Then I go back and make sure I have a variety of types of sentences. Then I check grammar. 

 So when all these bloggers talk about spending an hour on a piece, I just don't see it.  Well I have done it with very mediocre results.  I got one of the few A's probably because I spent over an hour  every single day and sometimes two for our one-page submissions each week. . 

I

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

If that is your goal, you need to use media and spread the word. You said you don't want to do this - fine. Then there won't be many people finding and reading your work.
Alternatively you could plug your work into a larger community and not run your own stuff, but participate in forums and groups that focus on the kind of spiritual contemplation or travel blogs you write.

It makes absolutely no sense comparing that to plopping into a well-established board with thousands of users who are reading. But this could prompt you to go out and search for just such a forum to engage in the other matters dear to your heart. yes, you won't sell your writing there. But maybe the point is being heard.

We must have been writing at the same time.  Yes, those are good ideas. I just need to find the time to research and figure out where they are.

And no, I have no desire to sell.  Not really. I was only doing it to try and pay for my costs. That was it.  And yes, I get it. You do it for free. I don't see how.  But I am slowly ending everything I am paying for and that will be that. Other than podcasting. That only costs 12 bucks a month. My blog will run out next May.  I won't renew the hosting or the security on it.  I will keep my domain names. 

[marbel]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

However, at the same time, it isn't any fun if absolutley no one responds.  I mean what I loved about my writing classes and then the writing groups I was a part of for awhile is hearing other people appreciate what they loved about your writing. I also loved reading other people's work and helping them as well.  That is fun for me. (If you are talking about 6-8 people and not 120 students! That is not so fun.  I enjoy it, but I take a long time.)  So yes, some of what I want is discussion.  Appreciation. For them to say, me too and share a similar experience. 

 

Why not take some writing classes and/or join a writing group? Maybe there is something you can do locally, or if not, surely there are online writing classes and groups. 

[TexasProud]

30 minutes ago, Clarita said:

The code word or phrase is fully discussed between you and your husband beforehand. You have to have a conversation which lays out the ground rules for the conversation associated with the code phrase. 

So for my husband and I we had one where I'd say "I'm feeling emotional right now." Prior to using this phrase we had a talk where I told him that when I say these words it means I don't want him to fix anything, because I don't even know if I really feel that way. He came back with he has trouble seeing me cry and not doing anything about it, so I would put a cloth in front of my face when tears are coming. So you both set up ground rules ahead of time to facilitate making it a safe space. 

So the ground rules for you two might be TexasProud needs to fantasies or dreams without Mr. TexasProud trying to make it a reality. When TexasProud says "I have a crazy idea" Mr.TexasProud can not take any action with the things that she mentions in that conversation. Maybe it also includes not asking if a person is getting upset or not. Maybe one or both of you feel safer if after saying "I have crazy idea" that you face away from each other for the conversation so you both can't read the micro expressions. The way these conversations look to an outsider may be absolutely bonkers.

The two of you have agreed beforehand what can or cannot happen after the agreed upon code words are said. 

Thank you for the explanation. 

The look away from you thing... yeah, when I was at my very worst as in I couldn't even look him in the eye and say, "xyz," we would often have our conversations about how I felt in the dark after we went to bed at night.  Now I can look him in the eye and say, "I am tired of traveling." No problem.  I also would write him letters.  I remember when I decided I wanted to homeschool.  I wrote him a letter with all of my well thought out reasons and asked him to pray about it and investigate it for the next year. I put it in his Bible and I remember being on pins and needles until after he read it. I was so scared at what he would say...  LOL... Yeah, not in the same place now at all.  And I will be honest, I don't know why I was so scared and why I am not now for most things.  (TeA being the exception.)

Ok, I am about to realize a contradiction in this thread and in my posting and will try to reconcile the two:

1. My husband is a great listener and not a fixer. He validates me, Repeats back. Sympathizes etc. But that is where it ends. I think I gave the example farther up here about date nights while he was still practicing. I never got my fun date nights.  But he always made me feel heard when I said something about it and agreed with me.  But it never changed.  I mean he would go on dates but he was so exhausted after his long hours that they were not really fun and I felt claustrophobic having a movie night at home. We never solved it.  We talked a lot about it. But he had already changed his hours as much as he possibly could. And a lot of the exhaustion came from a big legal issue he had to deal with.  I used to hate all of the marriage books that gave that advice not to fix it and just listen.  I didn't want to be listened to.  I wanted it solved. 

2. He would move heaven and earth to make me happy.  

He buys me whatever I ask for. When I wanted to go to seminary, he was my biggest cheerleader and proofread every single seminary paper, project, and website I created. If I ask for a backrub, he gives me one. Now, if I said, let's get out of here and go....., he would do it in a heartbeat. 

But yeah, he won't do everything. But will compromise.  Example, when I almost started crying about missing the Christmas Eve service.  I reminded him that to me church is my family. It was my safe place growing up. It was my safe place my place of community when he was in residency working 90 or more hours a week.  It was my community safe place when he was going through burn-out and I was taking care of my kids and my father.  He validated me and talked about how it must feel like I was deserting my family by missing it.  Then he talked about how for him, his family was always the safe place. His parents. His sisters. And that we don't know how much longer she will be alive.  And a couple of years ago, we did stay home when all the rest of the family was there and he felt so left out. 

Both feelings are valid. But yeah. Family trumps and wins.  I mean, if I put my foot down and said, we are staying home, he would.  But my children would still choose to go to my MIL's house. They would not come here. So what in the world would that accomplish??? Except to make him resentful. 

However, this morning when we made those plane reservations for the mission weekend, he said, let's leave a little early on  Saturday so we can fly back and you can sing in the church program on Sunday. 

He let me choose wherever we wanted to take our 35th anniversary. I very rarely ever have to give him a honey to do list item, but when I do, he immediately stops what he is doing and fixes whatever I need.  he fixed the faucet in my bathroom sink yesterday. 

But yes, there are certain things like holidays with his mom now that his dad died. And I have no family to visit, so we are alone together or with them. Or his using his surgical skills. I do not want to take that from him. I am not sure I could. If I asked him to stay home. I am not sure if he would or not. But if I refused to ever go with him again, I don't know that he would keep going.  We have talked out a lot of different options.  We have. Locum tenems is no longer an option for him. ( You have to have worked in a US hospital within the last 2 years.) For him to give back with his skills and keep up his skills, this is really the only thing. 

Anyway.  Not sure if that makes sense. But I would say that he would move heaven and earth for me for 85 percent of things.  But there is ten to fifteen percent that are probably much less negotiable. 

And yes, our walks when we are not facing each other are a good time to talk like we did about the Christmas holidays.  But I don't know that a code word...still not sure because he doesn't fix. He just listens. 

[TexasProud]

32 minutes ago, marbel said:

Why not take some writing classes and/or join a writing group? Maybe there is something you can do locally, or if not, surely there are online writing classes and groups. 

I joined Flourish Writers for 27 bucks a month over the last year. They have editing classes/writing groups twice a  month, challenges, training,  book clubs all about writing.  And I haven't been able to use it. Worst waste of my money.  We travel too much. I can't do a meeting while in Honduras because we are swamped, or Kenya because of the time zone difference, or my daughter had a performance or I had a meeting, or we were flying or .....   It looks like a great resource, but it just hasn't worked.  I have joined a couple of other groups before with similar results, but they were not as expensive. 

I am taking ownership and admitting that it just doesn't fit in my life until we travel less. I might look into doing them again in February 2025.  But realistically, I just cannot do it right now. I have made that choice. But I am still paying for it until December. UGGH.

Edited August 20 by TexasProud

[Clarita]

I mean the fixing thing is just an example. It's whatever your fear is with telling him and what you need to feel "safe". 

It can be anything. Words he or you can't say, maybe you need him to say affirmative things, maybe you need him to repeat your words back to you, whatever rules you think would make it doable. He might have things he needs from you, maybe that is he needs to be able to ask for your feelings and you have to answer him honestly. Then if that's what he needs what do you need in return. 

It's a conversation between you and your husband not between you and me and then you go and dictate or tell him how to do things.

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, Clarita said:

 It's whatever your fear is with telling him and what you need to feel "safe". 

 

LOL..  Telling him what?

But yeah, that is my big issue I went into all of my therapists except the very first one.  I have never ever felt safe. And the truth is the world is not safe.  No one can promise me my boyfriend won't be hit by a drunk driver and killed at 14. No one can promise me that my child won't call me from a mental institution or eventually take his own life. No one can promise me my daughter won't be killed in a car wreck as she drives these long distances. It is life. And heaven forbid I live in Gaza right now or Israel or whatever. The world is very, very unsafe. It just is.  You just have to put it out of your mind and try to pretend it won't happen to you. But about the time you really feel free, the world collapses. I have had it happen to me way too many times. 

What is it that I need to tell my husband that I haven't already told him? 

[TexasProud]

For example, I have said to him:

I am tired of traveling. I feel completely untethered. I miss my community. 

To which: I now only go on one not both Kenya trips.  We are slowing way down in 2025.

  I am just not sure what you guys want me to say to him that I haven't already said. 

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I have never ever felt safe. And the truth is the world is not safe.  No one can promise me my boyfriend won't be hit by a drunk driver and killed at 14. No one can promise me that my child won't call me from a mental institution or eventually take his own life. No one can promise me my daughter won't be killed in a car wreck as she drives these long distances. It is life. And heaven forbid I live in Gaza right now or Israel or whatever. The world is very, very unsafe. It just is.  You just have to put it out of your mind and try to pretend it won't happen to you. But about the time you really feel free, the world collapses. I have had it happen to me way too many times. 

I am very sorry you had experiences that cause you to live with such a bleak outlook, and that your family did not get help for you after the traumatic event with your boyfriend. You should have received intensive counseling right then.
But what strikes me about this most is that I know you are deeply religious. So you don't have any feeling of safety because you can trust in God? Then what is all that faith good for?

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I am very sorry you had experiences that cause you to live with such a bleak outlook, and that your family did not get help for you after the traumatic event with your boyfriend. You should have received intensive counseling right then.
But what strikes me about this most is that I know you are deeply religious. So you don't have any feeling of safety because you can trust in God? Then what is all that faith good for?

Yeah, I feel like a Christian failure... Well, sort of.  I mean with my mom's death and the fact that it was so painful and hospice was so awful despite doing all of my due diligence.....  I wrote out a lament and sort of came to peace with it. But yeah one counselor gave me a book to help me with that. It didn't help because just because you believe in God doesn't mean you won't die in pain. Doesn't mean your child won't die, even if you are a missionary.  

What I do know is there are things I do not understand or cannot see. What I know is that God desires our good. But how to reconcile that with bad stuff..  Yeah, I just am honest with God, tell him I am pissed at him. Tell him I love him. Tell him I wish it were different.  And sometimes Jesus cries with me. 

[fairfarmhand]

MY feeling of saefty doesn't come because I don't believe something horrible won't happen. In fact, it's likely that someone I love will get cancer, have a car wreck, be injured or whatever. My safety comes from the fact that I *will* survive. I will make it. It'll hurt like heck. I wouldn't sign up for it. But I'll ultimately be ok. 

[TexasProud]

15 minutes ago, regentrude said:

 Then what is all that faith good for?

This life isn't all there is.  Real life. The good life. The perfect life comes after we die when we go to heaven.

And no I am not suicidal or anything. But my faith will enable me to live forever in shalom/completeness.  And yes, I know somehow I should be able to do that here on earth, but it just hasn't happened for me and to be honest, many of the saints/great writiers struggled deeply with their faith as well. 

[TexasProud]

And I will be honest guys, you are asking me these questions when I am getting over a UTI, might have poison ivy and got 4 hours sleep last night.  So if you ask me next week, I will probably give you a different answer @regentrude

I fully aknowlege that lack of sleep is affecting my outlook I am sure.  Hanging on for our 7pm board meeting. 

Edited August 20 by TexasProud

[pinball]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

However, at the same time, it isn't any fun if absolutley no one responds.

That’s your true desire…praise and adulation for whatever it is you’re doing. You don’t really LOVE or have PASSION for anything you do . Not singing, not writing, not ministering. Your passion is basking in the praise of hearing you’re a wonderful singer, a superb writer, a compassionate minister.

You don’t have relationships with your praise givers. You’re separate from them and above them, and you’re fine with that. This goes hand in hand with how shallow your relationships are with family and friends…how no one really KNOWS you, how you can’t say how you TRULY feel and how you cannot understand posters who can talk and interact and relate to the people they love.

Your loved ones don’t praise and adulate, and since they don’t, you are always left wanting and yearning for something more. Intimacy is too messy for you, whether it’s with your hubs or kids or friends. 
 

 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, pinball said:

That’s your true desire…praise and adulation for whatever it is you’re doing. You don’t really LOVE or have PASSION for anything you do . Not singing, not writing, not ministering. Your passion is basking in the praise of hearing you’re a wonderful singer, a superb writer, a compassionate minister.

You don’t have relationships with your praise givers. You’re separate from them and above them, and you’re fine with that. This goes hand in hand with how shallow your relationships are with family and friends…how no one really KNOWS you, how you can’t say how you TRULY feel and how you cannot understand posters who can talk and interact and relate to the people they love.

Your loved ones don’t praise and adulate, and since they don’t, you are always left wanting and yearning for something more. Intimacy is too messy for you, whether it’s with your hubs or kids or friends. 
 

 

I will agree with all of it except the above them.  I do not feel I am above anyone. But yes, you probably have me pegged. 

[TexasProud]

And @pinball I try very very hard to compensate for that inside of me by trying to put others first. Serving others, etc.  But you are probably right.  Except that I get the idea you think I punish them if they don't praise me, and I do not do that at all.  Like @Indigo Blue's parents...

In fact, I try very, very hard to be supportive to my children, to praise everything they do...well, ok maybe not everything... But I have NEVER EVER insulted them or put them down. Ever. 

But yes, words of affirmation are huge for me. 

[fairfarmhand]

20 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And @pinball I try very very hard to compensate for that inside of me by trying to put others first. Serving others, etc.  But you are probably right.  Except that I get the idea you think I punish them if they don't praise me, and I do not do that at all.  Like @Indigo Blue's parents...

In fact, I try very, very hard to be supportive to my children, to praise everything they do...well, ok maybe not everything... But I have NEVER EVER insulted them or put them down. Ever. 

But yes, words of affirmation are huge for me. 

I’m big on words of affirmation too. But my sense of self worth isn’t tied up with how many people notice or say things to me. You seem to really struggle with your value when your gifts go unnoticed.

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

I’m big on words of affirmation too. But my sense of self worth isn’t tied up with how many people notice or say things to me. You seem to really struggle with your value when your gifts go unnoticed.

True.  Though I would never, ever say that out loud. 🙂 

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

True.  Though I would never, ever say that out loud. 🙂 

Why not?

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

Why not?

Asking for attention. Putting it on yourself. That is the opposite of what Christ taught. The last shall be first. Do not ask to be at the place of honor at the table, etc.   Phil 2: 3-9

³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

Wanting praise is a sin I must confess and ask forgiveness for. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Asking for attention. Putting it on yourself. That is the opposite of what Christ taught. The last shall be first. Do not ask to be at the place of honor at the table, etc.   Phil 2: 3-9

³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

Wanting praise is a sin I must confess and ask forgiveness for. 

 

I’m not asking about praise. I’m asking about why your self worth is tied into your need for affirmation. You’re worthy whether or not anyone notices. And the fact that you can’t see that is the problem. I mean your brain knows if, but your heart hasn’t absorbed it. That’s the question you need to dig deep into with a therapistZ

Edited August 20 by fairfarmhand

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

 I mean your brain knows if, but your heart hasn’t absorbed it. 

Yes. And that is the issue I have gone to every therapist with. I can tell you all the right things.  I can when I am not super tired.  But I have never ever felt them.  No one seemed to be able to help me.  They gave me cognitive exercises and stuff.  But they don't change the way I feel.  I mean. Yes, I can quote all the verses and tell you how I am a love child of the King. I don't need anything else. 

[fairfarmhand]

Let me tell you something…you could be the next Julie Andrew’s with a social media following of thousands of engaged viewers and if your self worth is tied to what people say and think about you it would not be enough. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

Let me tell you something…you could be the next Julie Andrew’s with a social media following of thousands of engaged viewers and if your self worth is tied to what people say and think about you it would not be enough. 

Actually that sounds incredibly frightening.  Because then you have to keep up with their expectations.  Which is why I have NO desire. NO desire to be a best selling author and to be some kind of expert.  But to have a few I could talk with who listened and cared.  

[TexasProud]

And I don't want to be Julie Andrews, but to just sing well without screwing up in a church service would be super nice.  To hear a few people say they were touched. 

[TexasProud]

A couple of times with my writing made me cry and made it all feel worth it:  My sister reached out to me and told me how much it meant and shared some memories.  My cousin reached out and told me she appreciated me writing truth about my dad's side of the family because no one else would.  Shared some memories.  And then my sister-in-law called me and thanked me for a certain podcast that she really liked.  That made me feel good.  I don't need a million strangers.

[fairfarmhand]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And I don't want to be Julie Andrews, but to just sing well without screwing up in a church service would be super nice.  To hear a few people say they were touched. 

Goodness. Doesn’t your church have other people who mess up in the music? Ours does. I do. Even our professional level musicians make mistakes. And I love that our church welcomes them with their mistakes and old ladies with the squeaky warbly voices…little kids who shyly sing Jesus loves me. Mentally handicapped people who sing this little light of mine. And average voices who mix up the verses. It’s all beautiful to me. And to God. And I admire all of their courage in standing up there to sing.

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

Goodness. Doesn’t your church have other people who mess up in the music? Ours does. I do. Even our professional level musicians make mistakes. And I love that our church welcomes them with their mistakes and old ladies with the squeaky warbly voices…little kids who shyly sing Jesus loves me. Mentally handicapped people who sing this little light of mine. And average voices who mix up the verses. It’s all beautiful to me. And to God. And I admire all of their courage in standing up there to sing.

Yes, we do.  LOL and I even wrote about how I like our church allows everyone to sing.  But yeah, I hear my college voice coach's voice in my ear..  And I know Rosie will clobber me, but yeah I have a very high standard, too high a standard for myself.  I know. I know.. 

[Rosie_0801]

Jesus was a preacher. That obviously means there's a time and place for being the centre of attention. He had a go at Martha, didn't he? For making lunch instead of sitting down at his feet? The guy preached contradictory stuff. Why? Because life is messy. 

If God didn't want you to be human, you wouldn't have been born as one. He had other options. The reason for the bad stuff is that surviving and processing it makes us more humany  humans. If we respond to life by putting everyone else first, never having our needs met and generally being as small and non-existent as possible, what would be the point of being human at all?

You keep telling us that the best way for you to human is not to. 

And then you come here and freak out because that hurts.

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Jesus was a preacher. That obviously means there's a time and place for being the centre of attention. He had a go at Martha, didn't he? For making lunch instead of sitting down at his feet? The guy preached contradictory stuff. Why? Because life is messy. 

If God didn't want you to be human, you wouldn't have been born as one. He had other options. The reason for the bad stuff is that surviving and processing it makes us more humany  humans. If we respond to life by putting everyone else first, never having our needs met and generally being as small and non-existent as possible, what would be the point of being human at all?

You keep telling us that the best way for you to human is not to. 

And then you come here and freak out because that hurts.

Likes this post

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Jesus was a preacher. That obviously means there's a time and place for being the centre of attention. He had a go at Martha, didn't he? For making lunch instead of sitting down at his feet? The guy preached contradictory stuff. Why? Because life is messy. 

If God didn't want you to be human, you wouldn't have been born as one. He had other options. The reason for the bad stuff is that surviving and processing it makes us more humany  humans. If we respond to life by putting everyone else first, never having our needs met and generally being as small and non-existent as possible, what would be the point of being human at all?

You keep telling us that the best way for you to human is not to. 

And then you come here and freak out because that hurts.

True..

I am just so incredibly incredibly tired right now... So that is all I can say to your post. Is true. i have no clue how to be human. 

[Rosie_0801]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, we do.  LOL and I even wrote about how I like our church allows everyone to sing.  But yeah, I hear my college voice coach's voice in my ear..  And I know Rosie will clobber me, but yeah I have a very high standard, too high a standard for myself.  I know. I know.. 

Sister, go write some fan-fic of yourself. 

Then you can be Julie Andrews, without the trouble of having to be Julie Andrews. AND you can be your coach too, because you're the one writing. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Sister, go write some fan-fic of yourself. 

Then you can be Julie Andrews, without the trouble of having to be Julie Andrews. AND you can be your coach too, because you're the one writing. 

Fan fic?

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

True..

I am just so incredibly incredibly tired right now... So that is all I can say to your post. Is true. i have no clue how to be human. 

Yes you do. You just don't want to.

Because you believe humaning shouldn't be the way it is.
 

[Rosie_0801]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Fan fic?

Yes. Go write yourself in different lives. Explore the "could have beens" and write in as much applause as you want. It'd be good practice.

Not right now, but next time you're bored and lonely and don't have better options.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Yes. Go write yourself in different lives. Explore the "could have beens" and write in as much applause as you want. It'd be good practice.

Not right now, but next time you're bored and lonely and don't have better options.

Is this a genre of writing? Can you give me examples. I don't think I have read anything like this.  I am so incredibly tired it is hard to think.  But is this fan fiction or something. So you write how wonderful someone is... I would need to see an example I could copy. 

Edited August 20 by TexasProud

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Is this a genre of writing? Can you give me examples. I don't think I have read anything like this. 

It's called Advanced Journalling. 
 

And no bloody way would I give you examples. I wasn't born yesterday.

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's called Advanced Journalling. 
 

And no bloody way would I give you examples. I wasn't born yesterday.

Ok, I am still not understanding. I have googled it and no one describes it the same way.  A lot of them say advanced gratitude journals.  I am tired Rosie. Please.  I will do it.  I just don't understand what it is.  A link to an article or something so I know what to do please. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, I am still not understanding. I have googled it and no one describes it the same way.  A lot of them say advanced gratitude journals.  I am tired Rosie. Please.  I will do it.  I just don't understand what it is.  A link to an article or something so I know what to do please. 

Basically write yourself in various stories and scenarios. Go back in time, change major decisions, play out those fantasies. It’s just a thought exercise.

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Basically write yourself in various stories and scenarios. Go back in time, change major decisions, play out those fantasies. It’s just a thought exercise.

Ah, ok. That makes sense. Thank you.  I was on the verge of tears I was so frustrated.

Edited August 20 by TexasProud

[Annie G]

21 hours ago, TexasProud said:

 

I love RVing because he laughs and jokes and we have a great time like we used to before children and before his work. TeA is much better. We hike a ton and see cool new sights. And yes, I love that. It is marriage more the way I wish it could be at home, but will never be. 

What makes him so different when you are RVing vs when you’re home? You take long daily walks together, but it’s as if you don’t connect when you’re home.  Have to talked to him about this? Partly to let him know that your relationship when RVing is very different than when you’re home- maybe he’s thinking the same thing, and if you guys talk about it you might be able to figure out the secret sauce that happens when you’re RVing. 
 

[fairfarmhand]

12 minutes ago, Annie G said:

What makes him so different when you are RVing vs when you’re home? You take long daily walks together, but it’s as if you don’t connect when you’re home.  Have to talked to him about this? Partly to let him know that your relationship when RVing is very different than when you’re home- maybe he’s thinking the same thing, and if you guys talk about it you might be able to figure out the secret sauce that happens when you’re RVing. 
 

This is a good idea. 

[TexasProud]

13 minutes ago, Annie G said:

What makes him so different when you are RVing vs when you’re home? You take long daily walks together, but it’s as if you don’t connect when you’re home.  Have to talked to him about this? Partly to let him know that your relationship when RVing is very different than when you’re home- maybe he’s thinking the same thing, and if you guys talk about it you might be able to figure out the secret sauce that happens when you’re RVing. 
 

I can guess, but will observe and talk about it on the trip.  Here is my guess:

We are forced to be together.

At home. this is our schedule: both up at 3 or 4 am and go to our separate studies to do our Bible studies, emails work, etc. At 6:30ish we go for our hour walk.  Then he goes and works on his RV project, or bushhogs, or weeds the garden or mows or some project that he is always doing. Then we  eat lunch together. Then back to work on separate stuff.  Watch a show at 6 then he goes back out and works more. 

Instead, this is what we do in the RV.  We listen to audio books or podcasts together on the drive. We normally travel for 3 days then settle somewhere for a week.  Move to another for 6 days.  Another for 6 days. Another 5. Then 3 days home.  So we are not constantly moving. We sleep in.  (OOOh 6am maybe.) The temperature is typically colder where we go. A lot colder and we can cuddle without burning up. We go on a hike or on a scenic drive.  We go to museums. We relax.  We do work on our computers on some days, but it is in the same room. We cook and clean together in the small rv. We might play a game.  We watch the stars. We roast marshmallows. 

So yeah, see the difference?