Joanne - I need some advice dealing with addiction

[Home'scool]

Joanne~

 

I always read your posts regarding addiction with great interest. You lay out some great points and I appreciate your wisdom on this issue.

 

I was hoping I could ask you for some advice regarding my situation. I'll try to keep it short but you know how complicated and convoluted these things get!

 

My mother has been an addict in one form or another for basically my whole life. Through 3 of her marriages, abject poverty to wealth, and everywhere in-between she has always self medicated either through booze or pills. There have been periods of sober-like behavior, but always underneath is the abuse. It then flares up in an ugly way, she goes and gets "help" (just enough to shut everyone up) and then sails along under the radar for some period of time.

 

For the last 15 years she has been on prescription medication for (supposed) anxiety, and that has taken the edge off of needing the alchohol fix. In that time period she and my stepfather moved in with my sister and her husband and two children. We knew that she was abusing the prescriptions (begging family members for their prescriptions, stealing pills from family members, doctor shopping, etc.) but our false sense of security, along with our love for her, allowed my sister to let her move in. Then my mother and stepfather experienced a huge financial setback and she was caught drinking.

 

My sister insisted that she enter a two-week rehab, followed by a 3 week outpatient treatment, and now has been going to AA (according to my mother she did "90 meetings in 90 days" and is now down to going 3 days a week.) They have a second home in Florida which they went to, but she wants to come back in May and move back in.

 

The problem that we are having is the same we always have: she goes about her recovery in a half-assed manner, does the mile-wide-but-inch-deep approach, swears that "this time she gets it" and thens turns the tables on us and says we are being too harsh and are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

So, my question to you (I finally got to it!) is this:

 

If you were my sister, what parameters would you put into place before allowing her to move back in? How do you know when someone has "gotten it"? I know that an addict is never cured, and there are no guarantees, but I would love, as unrealistic as this may seem, to be able to put a checklist to this and say "when you are doing these things, and have done this things for X amount of time, then you can move back in."

 

Needless to say my sister is beside herself with anger and tears that my mother moved into her home and is now exposing my sister's kids to what we were exposed to. My sister is furious that she can't even feel safe and secure in her home. When my mother approached her with the idea of moving in my sister said that the ONE thing that she could not do was EVER drink again (silly, I know, to ask an active addict this, but such is the ride of insanity that we are on). My mother agreed, knowing full well that she had been "topping off" her drinks at night (her words) on and off for about 6 years.

 

As far as I know she has not drank again since that night in June when my sister caught her, but she is still on two medications for anxiety (one to get her through the day and one to put her to sleep at night) so in my opinion she is still using and abusing. We can never get a straight answer as to when, or even if, she will ever come off these new drugs. Supposedly they were to help ease her detox off of Clonopin, Effexor, and a few other drugs that she was on, but now she is just staying on these new drugs.

 

Any advice as to how you would handle this would be greatly appreciated.

[myfunnybunch]

I'm not Joanne (obviously), but thought I'd chime in.

 

Many addictions treatment centers have programs and resources for families. Contact the most recent center your mother attended and ask to talk to a counselor over the phone. They have very strict confidentiality rules, and so will not be able to discuss your mother or her treatment, but a counselor should be able to offer general advice, community resources and offer referrals to counselors familiar with addiction issues. It sounds as though some support from an organization like Al-Anon (for families of addicts) and/or some counseling would be very helpful.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[dawn of ns]

If you were my sister' date=' what parameters would you put into place before allowing her to move back in?[/quote']

 

 

Again not Joanne but my response would be she doesn't get to move back in. Period. Your sister has kids to worry about and raise and they need all of her attention and none of your mom's drama.

[Home'scool]

Many addictions treatment centers have programs and resources for families. Contact the most recent center your mother attended and ask to talk to a counselor over the phone. They have very strict confidentiality rules, and so will not be able to discuss your mother or her treatment, but a counselor should be able to offer general advice, community resources and offer referrals to counselors familiar with addiction issues. It sounds as though some support from an organization like Al-Anon (for families of addicts) and/or some counseling would be very helpful.

 

I and my sister have both attended Alateen when we were younger and Al-Anon for this last relapse. I guess I feel I am about as educated on this as I could possibly be, especially since I have lived my whole life with it, and I KNOW that there is no solution that comes from me, only from her.

 

Again not Joanne but my response would be she doesn't get to move back in. Period. Your sister has kids to worry about and raise and they need all of her attention and none of your mom's drama.

 

I've told my sister this, but she is the victim of a very soft heart. My mother wails that they put all their money into the addition they put onto her house, and will be left homeless (never mind that they have a gorgeous condo in Florida on a golf course that is paid for.) They have blown through their money, are in the middle of declaring personal bankruptcy, and will probably need to sell their condo just to live. None of this is my sisters fault or concern, but the fact that my mother lives with her puts it in her court to draw the line and say "No, you cannot live here." That fact just kills her. She worries how that looks to her kids (Mom threw Grandma in the street) and she worries how she will live with herself turning away her mother. Even if it is the only option, which I believe it is, it will be a difficult option to live with.

 

How I wish my mother would for once stand on her own two feet and volunteer to stay away for whatever length of time necessary to get better, to take that burden off my sister, but she is too immature to do so.

 

I have told my sister that Mom cannot move back in, but she is doing the "give her one more chance and then she will be out" dance. It makes it easier to not cross the line just yet, to wait for some horrible thing to happen that makes the decision clear. The decision will never be clear, though. Not when the addict is crying and saying they love you and that they get it and will never never never hurt you again.

 

Such is the absolute preversion of additction. It ruins every relationship on every level and poisons future generations.

[sassenach]

Again not Joanne but my response would be she doesn't get to move back in. Period. Your sister has kids to worry about and raise and they need all of her attention and none of your mom's drama.

 

I agree. Your mom has a home, she needs to stay in it. She is emotionally manipulating your sis and that needs to stop. Hopefully your sis's desire to protect her kids will win out over the patterns of manipulation/enabling. (((hugs))))

[Joanne]

Dear Home'scool's Sister,

 

My name is Joanne Ketch and I have been clean and sober for nearly 18 years. In addition to active recovery from drugs and alcohol, I have been a member of Al Anon for over 14 years.

 

Your dear sister has asked me to offer some perspective and information on what parameters to apply should your mom come live with you. I'm afraid I can't do that.

 

In your efforts to show love and kindness to your mom, you are contributing to the insanity. The best things you can do for and "to" her are to offer her life back to her - the life she created. Do not rescue her from her mess, do not mitigate the damage, do not validate the manipulation. Your mom *needs* to experience all related, reasonable consequences of her behavior, her choices, her actions.

 

While there are certainly behaviors and actions associated with engaged recovery, there is not an appropriate way for a family member to "police" those of an adult.

 

I am also a mom, so I understand that you are hoping to model behavior and good character for your children. However, when it comes to addiction (something your own children are at higher risk for genetically), it's important to model healthy boundaries. You are not throwing your mother out on the street; your mother has chosen this.

 

Daily life with an addict is.....hell. I'll offer another unfortunate reality; daily life with someone in early recovery is also hell. I would not subject my children to it; neither should you.

 

The best thing you can do in this unfortunate situation is to allow your mom to seek authentic recovery autonomously and to get clear support and information yourself about the continuing effects this disease has had on you as a wife, mother, sister and daughter.

 

I wish you healty, clarity and wisdom. I wish the same for your mom. Help is available to her 24/7 should she truly "wan

 

t it".

 

Here is an appropriate cut and paste about addiction:

It's also important to know that recovery from addiction is a slow, slow, slow process. It truly takes YEARS. Not weeks or months. I married my xh at 2.5 YEARS clean and sober. Experienced people told me "it's too soon to make that choice", but I figured they didn't know what they were talking about. embarassed mad They did. I once had an AA sponsor who "didn't take anyone seriously until they had 5 or more years". I thought she was at least partly kidding; until I passed 5 years a few times over. think shifty I get it now.

 

Addiction is multi-caused. It always has a physical component. Always. Put alcohol in my body and (science has proven, btw), and my body reacts in a way to crave/need more. There are chemcial reactions to gaming, gambling, spending, sex, porn, etc that the individual physically becomes dependent. But if the disease/behavior were *all* physical, abstince would take care of recovery.

 

That's not the case. Abstinence gives recovery the chance. Because the real issue of addiction is emotional, mental and spiritual.

 

When abstinence starts, the process of recovery can begin. It's my experience, opinion and observation that recovery - true recovery - always comes from spiritual experience. This happens most often in 12 step or 12 step inspired settings; but is not limited to those settings. The hairy part is resistence to "meetings" or "12 steps" or other similar settings is usually nothing more than the function of denial and wanting to act out, use, drink, stay sick. I do not believe that AA or related places are the only places to get well. But I do believe that most of the resistence to them is not legitamite but rather a function of the illness itself.

 

Here's another truth; those intimately involved with the addict are ALSO spiritually sick. They are sick differently, perhaps (although having their own addiction is common), but they are also spiritually sick. They sought and found the addict out of unhealed places, stayed and participated out of unwellness and have gotten more sick as the addict has. That is why help, meetings, accountability and active recovery is essential for the related people.

 

So, back to recovery. There is a place in the AA Big Book (the main text) that talks about the alcoholic (substitute addict as needed) being "restless, irritable and discontent." The context of this statement is when that addict is *sober*. Unless they can find the fix to take the edge off, they remain unwell, unhealthy, unrecovered EVEN IF SOBER.

 

That's why a spiritual experience is essential. A spiritual experience can be sudden, and followed by a series of proven action. Or it can be experiential and over time, including a proven outlined recovery plan. If an addict is clean/sober/abstinent but not in active recovery, they will seek and manifest unhealth in a variety of ways.

 

IMO and IME, here are the essential elements for recovery - not abstinence but complete recovery:

 

1) PEOPLE. Specifically people who have BTDT with the issue involved.

2) Accountability to at least one person.

3) Growing, maturing, ongoing spirituality; belief

4) An honest, lead evaluation of your past.

5) Amends: verbal, written, ongoing, financial

6) Service work with others

7) Principled living; living according to His will and His principles

 

I do not believe (and have not seen anyone in my nearly 17 years of recovery) who has recovered without those elements in some form.

 

Yes, it has to be ongoing for the rest of their lives; but no, not as intensely as early on with such things as meetings.

 

Yes, recovery groups and organizations and systems are inherently human and flawed and do contain unhealthy aspects.

 

No, it is not ok to substitute another addiction to get over an addiction.

 

Recovery is like a spiral "up". You will revisit each human character defect at a deeper, more sophisticated level as the years go by. When I first got sober, I needed to not write bad checks and not steal toilet paper from the clubhouse where I got sober. Today, my issues with honesty and integrity are much less......base. But they are still issues.

 

There is a theory I agree with, to an extent, that personal development and maturity is halted and arrested in an active addict. I believe this is accurate. So, you may have a 35 year old who acts like they are 22; that is because the function of the addiction in their lives prevented them for age expected maturity, from growing through seasons in life; from growing up.

 

Here is a related truth: Drinking/using/acting out is the LAST act in a relapse. A relapse occurs before a person drinks (or whatever). When the relaspse is complete, that person returns to active addiction.

 

Therefore, recovery means staying in the active levels of recovery. I like to say there are "12 steps" between me and a drink. There have been times when I have relapsed (but not drank) into "7 steps" between me and a drink. Or 3. You get the picture. It's (not)working the steps in reverse order:

 

I stop helping others.

I stop praying.

I stop taking personal inventory and making amends.

I admit fewer character defects.

I do look at my behavior.

I do not give my life to God (I take it back)

I do not believe God can help me

I am not powerless over alcohol; I am in control.

 

It's scary stuff.

 

And, yes, selfishness, dishonestly, immaturity, and excess in many areas are common to unrecovered addicts whether they are drinking or not.

[Scarlett]

Dear Home'scool's Sister,

 

My name is Joanne Ketch and I have been clean and sober for nearly 18 years. In addition to active recovery from drugs and alcohol, I have been a member of Al Anon for over 14 years.

 

Your dear sister has asked me to offer some perspective and information on what parameters to apply should your mom come live with you. I'm afraid I can't do that.

 

Nice post Joanne. I keep wondering when you will be finishing your parenting book and lately I've been thinking you should write another book for helping loved ones of addiction...boundary setting..that sort of thing.

[Carol in Cal.]

...where and how will she draw any lines at all and stick to them if her mom moves in unrecovered?

 

Will she have to always shadow her mom whenever she is in the house? How will she do that? Will she refuse to give her a key? A grown woman, not having a key to her own home? Will she stop her from ever driving her grandchildren anywhere? How will she stop/prevent that? Will she say that she can drive her grandchildren only when she is sober? Completely sober? How will she know when that is or isn't the case? How long DO those drugs stay in your body anyway? Will she stop her from talking abusively? How will she do that? Will she stop her from giving her grandchildren the idea that it is 'normal' to self-medicate...to deal with difficulties or unhappiness only aided by a bottle of either pills or alcohol? How will she prevent that?

 

I do know how hard it is to say no to one's parent.

 

I don't know what the right thing to say here is, but living at sis's house where there are young children is not the right thing to do.

 

I have a friend who has always been a wonderful example of 'good words' and positive parenting--who I thought was one of the best mothers I had ever known, so down to earth, so effective. Then her mother, out of money, moved in. And my friend let her mother, who is an alcoholic, drive her granddaughter to the store with an open mixed drink in her (the driver's) hand. More than once. My friend was someone who could stand up to anyone for her child, except for not to her own mother. And because of that, she can't keep her child's friends safe either. And they can't play at her house anymore, where the grandmother lives and verbally abuses the now lonely granddaughter. And they can never, never talk about it--it's taboo, because it would upset Grandma. It is one of the saddest transformations I have ever seen.

Edited December 27, 2008 by Carol in Cal.

[dawn of ns]

Excellent post Joanne. You're one of the most valuable resources on this forum. :)

[Pamela H in Texas]

I PM'd you since the model of addiction recovery I believe in is so different than most and you had specifically asked Joanne's help. I didn't want to disrespect Joanne in that regard.

[Home'scool]

Joanne~

 

Thank you for your kind post. I called my sister and read it to her. I had also already forwarded her the post you cited.

 

I am hoping that all of this will help her with her ultimate decision. You are not the first person to tell her my mother should not be moving back in ..... perhaps it will start to sink in. I think she is still waiting for that "final" betrayal that will make the decision easier. She just doesn't realize that betrayal happens every day.

 

Pamela~ thank you for your PM. I did poke around on the website you cited. I do still like the AA approach. Although it hasn't stuck for my mother it is because she has never truly worked it. I do believe if it is followed accurately, and by someone who truly wants to recover, then it can work.

 

To everyone else who posted, thank you also. Any advice is helpful, and I am open to all opinions and sharing of experiences.

[Scuff]

Again not Joanne but my response would be she doesn't get to move back in. Period. Your sister has kids to worry about and raise and they need all of her attention and none of your mom's drama.

 

ditto