when your spouse has attitudes you would like to not pass on to the dc

[cathmom]

What do you do? How do you handle it?

[Michelle T]

I'm constantly reminding DH that he is presenting the male role model DS will follow. It doesn't seem to ever sink in though.

Michelle T

[bkpan]

What do you do? How do you handle it?

 

I would pray for dh and children.

 

Then, I would try be the very best possible mother I could be. You can find many examples of great and exemplary children raised in less-than-ideal circumstances, who had holy, wise mothers who gave all for them.

 

Then I would try to build up my husband in my dc's eyes. NEVER putting him down, showing in front of the dc how I have great respect for him.

 

(At least, that is what I would want to do and what I should do. Unfortunately, I fail way too often :()

 

HTH

Kim

[klmama]

I think modeling the attitudes you want them to have will help tremendously, as well as reading books with strong characters that model the attitudes you want your dc to have. When my dh presents an attitude I don't want the dc to have, I point it out to him privately and ask him to change, and he does the same for me. Then, we practice, practice, practice. Attitudes are hard to change, as is behavior. It helps to understand that and to know that there will be slip-ups, even when someone is honestly trying to change.

[G5052]

I'd actively seek out experiences that allow your children to see solid men in action. My DH is a good man, but has a lot of limitations because of health and disability issues which prevent him from attending church and doing a lot of the things that dads do with their kids. Thankfully we have a lot of friends that invite us along so that my children can see what active fathers are like.

[Joanne]

This, for me, is very situation specific. It depends on what "attitudes" and "behaviors" are in question.

[kalanamak]

I try to be honest, but not "first strike" honest. If something untoward happens because hubby is slothful (because he has low standards....I am reminded of the punch line of the joke that got Earl Butz (sec. of agriculture for Nixon) fired), and kiddo asks about it, I say "yes, this could have been prevented if Papa had XXXX", while holding my tongue when unasked. It is harder than it sounds.

 

I think kiddo is a bright little bulb and figuring it out already, but as to which path he will take, time will tell. I had a brother was a complete sloth as a child, but is now so diligent it is amazing. Even my own mother, who rarely put any of us down, used to say to me (and I think this is the only slur I heard from her, ever) "you're so lazy your bones will turn to mush", and I, like her, am a bit of a workaholic.

Edited December 27, 2008 by kalanamak

[Peela]

I am very up front about it. I don't build my husband up in my childrens' eyes- I call a spade a spade. If he's being a ***, I teach them not to take it personally, to accept him how he is. And I also support and encourage and point out the more positive side at times to balance when we have had a bad patch. I wold rather they see him as he is, than a distorted view. It will serve them better in the long run, I feel. And ditto for me.

In my situaiton, I decided it was important that my children felt empowered to trust their own eyes and ears, and not to give up their power to an authority which was not behaving as an appropriate role model (at times- more rarely now than in the past). They are allowed to speak their truth. They are not allowed to be disrespectful.

However, when it comes to day to day attitudes about things- I dont think you can do much about them other than dont underestimate your own power, and express your attitudes freely. If they are exposed to your values and attitudes, they can draw from that. Its ok that parents have different attitudes. It frees kids up to work things out for themselves.

In our house, I am the environmentalist. The other day dh sprayed pesticide on the kitchen benches to get rid of ants. I just about flipped. He will use toxic pesticide to kill weeds. I wont. I love to go camping, to the bush, spend time in nature. He doesnt. What to do? he was made like that, I was made like this- but it is important to me that my kids know about organic methods of farming, of alternatives to toxic sprays etc. That's just one example.

I think the best thing is to just be yourself- the kids will get a lot out of that- and they will find their own way, and it gives them permission to be themselves, to think for themselves.

[elegantlion]

I am very up front about it. I don't build my husband up in my childrens' eyes- I call a spade a spade. If he's being a ***, I teach them not to take it personally, to accept him how he is. And I also support and encourage and point out the more positive side at times to balance when we have had a bad patch. I wold rather they see him as he is, than a distorted view. It will serve them better in the long run, I feel. And ditto for me.

In my situaiton, I decided it was important that my children felt empowered to trust their own eyes and ears, and not to give up their power to an authority which was not behaving as an appropriate role model (at times- more rarely now than in the past). They are allowed to speak their truth. They are not allowed to be disrespectful.

However, when it comes to day to day attitudes about things- I dont think you can do much about them other than dont underestimate your own power, and express your attitudes freely. If they are exposed to your values and attitudes, they can draw from that. Its ok that parents have different attitudes. It frees kids up to work things out for themselves.

 

I think the best thing is to just be yourself- the kids will get a lot out of that- and they will find their own way, and it gives them permission to be themselves, to think for themselves.

 

:iagree: I think that is one of the good/bad things about homeschooling. My ds has seen us at our best and worst. We are only human and never claimed perfection. I hope ds understands as he grows up that we are imperfect, but we still love him and want the best for him.

 

As far as modeling I'm pretty up front when I make a mistake. Dh is too. Although sometimes I wait until the situation is over and then approach and gently remind him how we are modeling behavior. We apologize to ds when we mess up and continue to remind him that we are working on our own character as well.

[Jenny in Florida]

So, I will tell my children my opinion and my reasonsing when it differs from their dad's. But I also explain to them that Dad has a right to his opinion and that no human being is perfect. I encourage them to have both respect and compassion for people--including their Dad--who have opinions that are different from theirs and to take the time to think these things through and come to their own conclusions.

 

So far, they've always agreed with me.