Why Smart Kids are the Loneliest

[Katy]

I thought this video was really thought provoking.  Thoughts?

 

[Melissa Louise]

I think there's some truth to elements of this. When effort gets linked with failure - that can be a hard nut to crack. I'm glad I've got stupider as time has gone on, so I get many, many opportunities to be forced into both effort and failure to unlearn this. 

However:

All kinds of kids can be lonely, not just the smart ones.

Some (many?) smart kids are really well-adjusted.

 

[HomeAgain]

DS2 is pretty brilliant.  We knew from an early age and made our decisions to protect him from it. He didn't know it for a really long time, even though it was the biggest reason we homeschooled - I wanted to keep his work at a level where he had to put in the appropriate amount of effort, no matter what his work looked like to an outsider.  Even his outside classes were multi-age and he didn't get a good grasp of what was developmentally the norm. So he never knew, or caught on that he was the youngest.  And, the big thing was that motor skills and cognitive skills developed at a different rate. He hated to write and labored over it, but could mentally compute anything or translate 3 languages.

But on the flip side, he ended up developing imposter syndrome in a few areas in his life.  He felt that because he had to work hard for so long, that the things were just a continuation of that work. He didn't feel like he deserved the awards he got or the praise he got because it wasn't "natural", it was work that got him there and someone else got it easier.  I finally shared his older test scores with him this summer and shared a more adult perspective of things he had done when he was younger and the lightbulb went on. He's so much more confident this year.

It never impacted his social life - he worked hard, he knew his friends were working hard, they never shared their schoolwork with each other.  The extracurriculars each kid did was different.  I think now, at 13, we've hit that sweet spot of knowing that well developed cognitive ability helps, but work matters more.

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

DS2 is pretty brilliant.  We knew from an early age and made our decisions to protect him from it. He didn't know it for a really long time, even though it was the biggest reason we homeschooled - I wanted to keep his work at a level where he had to put in the appropriate amount of effort, no matter what his work looked like to an outsider.  Even his outside classes were multi-age and he didn't get a good grasp of what was developmentally the norm. So he never knew, or caught on that he was the youngest.  And, the big thing was that motor skills and cognitive skills developed at a different rate. He hated to write and labored over it, but could mentally compute anything or translate 3 languages.

But on the flip side, he ended up developing imposter syndrome in a few areas in his life.  He felt that because he had to work hard for so long, that the things were just a continuation of that work. He didn't feel like he deserved the awards he got or the praise he got because it wasn't "natural", it was work that got him there and someone else got it easier.  I finally shared his older test scores with him this summer and shared a more adult perspective of things he had done when he was younger and the lightbulb went on. He's so much more confident this year.

It never impacted his social life - he worked hard, he knew his friends were working hard, they never shared their schoolwork with each other.  The extracurriculars each kid did was different.  I think now, at 13, we've hit that sweet spot of knowing that well developed cognitive ability helps, but work matters more.

Wow! I could have written this post about my youngest. We did end up having to share his scores with him when he was about 14. It was good that we did not prior to that.

He developed a great tribe of friends on his middle and high school rocket team, and easily found a tribe in college. His motor skills did lag, but had caught up by college thank goodness.

He is 23 now. Has a great inner circle of friends post college. I really worried when he was a child, so much anxiety about it. But it sure did work out okay. Phew!

[Carrie12345]

I can’t watch the video at the moment. Just throwing in that I see/have seen/have been smart kids who struggle with social skills, and some who work on those social skills but tone down their smartness to make them work.

I have more than 1 smart kid who can’t really convey their understanding without coming across like an ass. (Nature or nurture?????)

[SKL]

It speaks to me, especially related to certain family members.  However, in our case, I believe autism is an aggravating factor.

Growing up, intelligence was important to my mom, and I internalized that.  I was much more than my intelligence, but I don't think I really felt that during adolescence.  One day, as a task in some self-help book, I sat down and tried to figure out what I was really best at.  The answer I came up with:  organizing things.  While this helps with intellectual tasks (such as reorganizing numbers for quick mental math), it helps in so many other ways that aren't considered intellectual.  I think that realizing this may have been a turning point in my self-esteem situation.

With my kids (who, being adopted, did not inherit my brain wiring), I have tried to focus more on well-roundedness, and I view their social situation at least as important as their knowledge / grades.  (Both of my kids are naturally more social than I ever was.)  We had a mini crisis last year when my bright girl got a concussion which affected her cognitive abilities for a while.  It upset her, but it was an opportunity to understand that she's so much more than that.  I tell her that she's a really interesting person, and can find common ground with just about anyone.  Whether it's love of animals, arts, physics, travel, work ....  It may have helped, because this fall, she decided to participate in soccer, an activity she knows she'll never be "good" at.

[Clarita]

10 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

DS2 is pretty brilliant.  We knew from an early age and made our decisions to protect him from it. He didn't know it for a really long time, even though it was the biggest reason we homeschooled - I wanted to keep his work at a level where he had to put in the appropriate amount of effort, no matter what his work looked like to an outsider.  Even his outside classes were multi-age and he didn't get a good grasp of what was developmentally the norm. So he never knew, or caught on that he was the youngest.  And, the big thing was that motor skills and cognitive skills developed at a different rate. He hated to write and labored over it, but could mentally compute anything or translate 3 languages.

This is the reason that I don't often share with people IRL about why I homeschool my eldest. I feel like he must know he's smart because he is quite intelligent, but I never want that to be his defining factor. For him there isn't overarching motor skills are hard and cognitive skills are easy either. He's also amazing at a lot of things involving a ball and running, and at thinking stuff. What he isn't good at is writing and drawing the more open ended creative things that aren't solve this problem. 

6 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I have more than 1 smart kid who can’t really convey their understanding without coming across like an ass. (Nature or nurture?????)

I totally resonate with the using intelligence to handle social situations. Both my husband and I do that like we run through a bunch of scenarios for social interactions to figure out the "best" solution. I didn't think he covered this in the video, but I also feel some people dislike people who are or they think are smarter or more intelligent than they are. We feel like those people feel like we are arrogant donkeys if we try and do our best with our social interactions with them and when we don't. It feels like we are arrogant donkeys just because we know stuff. All this after we've both sought help both with mentors and with books on how to convey your understanding in a socially acceptable manner. 

My husband and I have definitely had the conversation of the only sure way to be accepted is to act incapable and dumb.