"In case of emergency" -- (young) adult kids home alone, who would you have them call?

[HomeAgain]

7 minutes ago, scholastica said:

I have asked my children if they want those people to be aware that they are completely on their own and they have said yes. These are people who have been in their lives for decades and they feel comfortable with. I’m available to their YAs in the same situation. It’s a community, we’re there for each other. We will have this situation in a few weeks and one of these people said “Make sure your dc knows they can call us or come eat with us anytime!” 

I feel like this is continuing to give your children agency, and not running around creating a contingency plan without their input or specific needs in mind - which is what I was addressing in the OP.  You are talking to your kids and coming up with a plan with them, not forcing them to accept your plan.  It's not quite the same as infantilizing them and giving them a curated list, finding them emergency contacts that they may or may not feel are the best on their own. 

[Carrie12345]

I just tried a mental exercise with my 12yo. It doesn’t necessarily apply to the average person, because he’s growing up in the fire department with EMT siblings and a local emergency management mother. But I hit him with a simple example of a fire, and a more out-there example of a window breaking from a storm. He walked us through his thought process from immediate safety care to trying to solve his own problem to eventually getting help from a list of trusted people. (Us being at the top of the list of course, but going through the backups.)

Now, I don’t leave him home alone if I don’t need to, and not really more than an hour if my 16yo isn’t also home. But I do think instilling confidence, critical thinking, and trust in other people makes all the difference.   
That goes for me, too. I trust that the first person my 12yo might get ahold of (regardless of who that might be) would immediately come to help even without a heads up for being on “the list”. Just as I would do for their kids.

Is there a specific reason someone might worry that another adult might refuse help because they weren’t informed in advance? (Genuine question for all, not just OP.)

[teachermom2834]

We got a call from a YA neighbor one night who was home alone for the weekend and heard some noises in her house and got scared. We were already in bed but dh got up and went over there and walked through the house with her and made sure everything was ok. We didn’t know she was home alone for the weekend but we didn’t mind and glad she felt like she could call. It didn’t bother us that no one had asked in advance if it would be ok. I would want anyone in my sphere to call me if they needed help and we could help and not hesitate because there wasn’t prior approval.  

[DeainUSA]

I couldn't tell if the dad was being funny or rude.  Even if I thought the parent was being ridiculous, I don't get the response.  It would just be a no problem from me, have fun! 

[TheReader]

I don't really feel like leaving a list for the kids of "here are people you can call if you need to and can't reach us" is exactly "arranging everything for them."  Most of these people are likely who they'd call anyway, but for ex, if something happens while just the (newly) 18 yr old is home alone, he may not think or know who he could call in the same way the 25 yr old would if he were home.  

Also, as I said elsewhere, the oldest is not neurotypical, so there's that. The middle isn't dx'ed w/anything, but struggles with organization skills and anxiety, which would likely cloud his judgement/thought process/ability to calmly think through who to call in xyz thing happening.  So, again, just suggesting "here are folks who you could reach out to if you had to" seems prudent. 

The 18 yr old is the one dating the 16 yr old, whose dad I talked to, and is likely the only one that would think to call them, but I did want him (the dad) to remember they were home alone (for both reasons - one, heads-up, no parents are home if your kiddo gets invited over; two, the aforementioned heads-up just in case). 

Re: "40 mins away" -- that's a regional thing, and here in Houston, *everything* is 30 mins away or so (I think his house is really only 30 mins, not 40, although that's what he said at the time), and so while apparently *he* feels like it's far (which is good for me to know), *I* haven't ever thought of them living far. We drive farther for our fencing classes, for our exercise classes, etc. so to *me*, they feel local (vs. both our parents that are over an hour). 

Anyway, yes, I realize now the kids all probably have people they'd call "in case" and likely this is overkill. If it matters, last week there was a home invasion/shooting death of a 16 yr old in our neighborhood, which may have me at a heightened level of anxiety (we are not sure/the police have not released details as to motive of why the 16 yr old was shot, just that it happened at 5:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday, and the assailants escaped via other neighbors' back yards/hopping fences/etc.).  So, with that fresh on my mind....probably that's adding to my paranoia. 

Anyway, thank you; I appreciate the (mostly) respectful way you guys let me know it was a little out there, and I'm glad I asked. 

[Gil]

I don't know, I read the Girlfriends dad remark as humor along the lines of "Fine, I'll be on the list, but I'm not coming unless it's really needed" type of thing.

But I'm also a man who tells my teens "don't come to me unless there's a pint of your own blood missing from your body" Which is my way of lovingly telling them that I trust them to (figure out how to) handle the little things on their own.

However, we don't have a network of solid people around us, so in all honesty there aren't many people who I would trust to intervene competently on my kids behalf in the event of an emergency when I'm not available so it's a very short list of people that they can call. Becoming self-reliant and highly capable is a necessity for The Boys.

[teachermom2834]

Young adults are awesome. My 20 yo is stellar. While in high school he was the frozen section manager at the local grocery store. He is on a full ride at a major university where he is double majoring and is an RA and has another job as an ambassador for the business school. He is always being appointed to this board or that. He is in a healthy stable relationship of over four years with his high school sweetheart. He has an amazing internship making excellent money this summer while working from home and saving money. He is top notch, independent, and responsible. Ahead of the curve for 20 year olds.

He is also not allowed to use the toaster oven when he is home alone because FOR THE LOVE OF PETE HE CANNOT TURN THE DANG THING OFF. 

So, yeah, sometimes young adults, even the neurotypical, need a little help while the brain is still catching up. You are not wrong on that, OP.

[kbutton]

I think part of what chaps my hide a bit when I read responses that suggest helicopter parenting is that Covid fractured SO MANY of our local relationships, and my kids are at an age where being isolated plus the fracturing has made it difficult for them to have the kinds of friends they could call. And frankly, the friends my younger son is making at school are not only flaky themselves, they have Super Flaky Parents. Like, seriously unreliable and they are fine with being that way. As far as old friends goes, an emergency call would likely not go unheeded, but I don't know if my kids would be comfortable calling those people any longer. Those families have moved on--before the pandemic was even over, my older son was ignored when all his former connections graduated--no party invites, nothing. Neighbors are not always home even if they are kind, friendly, and reliable.

I am still not at a place socially where I have numbers for new people--we've had a lot going on medically with my younger son, and that's kept us from getting involved in new social groups just from sheer exhaustion and time constraints, not to mention coded group dynamics (don't get me started on the level of flakiness we are experiencing from church people alone in our new church--they don't keep the church calendar updated, but they send out reminders to check the church calendar for events, but somehow the "regulars" know when the church calendar is right or wrong).

It's not all about parenting or preparation for adulthood in the aftermath of Covid.

Then there is the fact that when my younger son is at the age where he's considered a YA, he has health issues that not every adult would be prepared to respond to, and he may be unable to advocate for himself. Some of this just gets subsumed under the umbrella of It Stinks to Have A Chronic Illness, and You Can't Mitigate All Risk, but some of this is just really bad luck. I mean, he's clumsy because he's hypermobile, and he's on blood thinners--there are everyday scenarios where that combination alone, let alone his other issues, could make it super challenging to get help in time and actually not know that something is serious at first. 

It's tiring to be outliers all the time, frankly. 

[SKL]

Yeah, honestly, my biggest concern is whether my kids would tell their friends and use my house for unauthorized foolishness.

I hate being a helicopter parent, but at the moment, I have no intentions of leaving them home alone before age 18.  And I can't even believe I'm saying this.  I would have felt safer doing it when they were younger and less creative about choices.  Maybe they'll earn that trust back, but right now, they don't have it.

We live over an hour away from all family, and don't really know our neighbors well enough to ask for non-urgent help.  But I do trust the moms of some friends, and we have a couple family friends who will either let them stay there or come over to my house.  My kids are offended that I would make them stay with someone vs. leave them alone.  Well ... earn the trust.

[Lynn in al]

I was nervous the first time we left a young adult home alone but my dh assured me he'd fly me back if something went wrong.  But my fil was planning a visit so he ended up only being alone 3 days.