Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 My dh makes a very nice salary. However....he is like...the Geek that Wasn't or something. He doesn't belong there...writing code, managing 20 programmers, doing technical stuff all day long and tied to his BB 24/7. Oh, he is very good at his job...it just isn't him. He isn't happy. He told me last night, 'I know we make a lot of money, but I'm not happy doing this job.' Scarlett: :( I told him, as I have before.....then do something different. He shook his head and said now isn't the time due to the economy....but I wonder....if this WAS the time...how would he go about changing careers? Have any of your dhs, or you yourself, made a radical career change even if it meant a drastic lowering in income? Has anyone read 48 days to the work you love that Dave Ramsey recommends? I just feel so bad for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 BTDT. (DH was a programmer.) We bought an inn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 however, he doesn't make very good money by NoVa standards. 17 years at the same place and work conditions are getting worse (his department will be open on Sundays, beginning 1/09). Job opportunities are drying up in his industry (auto related) and he feels so stuck. I've offered to take a night job stocking shelves or something so he can try another trade or lower paying position, but he likes me taking care of home and kids. He was in tears last night and I felt so helpless. Hope to see some uplifting advice here.... K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenn in Mo Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 We're in the process of doing it, though our situation is somewhat reversed. Dh has opened a computer shop. Our income wasn't great before and is not promising to improve. He is still working at his old job at night and working in the shop by day. It's tough, but necessary until we can build up some money in savings. I've really encouraged him to do it. I know it's what he really wanted, but was afraid of hurting his family. I haven't read the book you mentioned, but heard Dave Ramsey talk about it and it sounds very good. Dh read the book The E-myth Revisited and it really encouraged him to pursue what he wanted, with a lot of great advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 (edited) however' date=' he doesn't make very good money by NoVa standards. 17 years at the same place and work conditions are getting worse (his department will be open on Sundays, beginning 1/09). Job opportunities are drying up in his industry (auto related) and he feels so stuck. I've offered to take a night job stocking shelves or something so he can try another trade or lower paying position, but he likes me taking care of home and kids. He was in tears last night and I felt so helpless. Hope to see some uplifting advice here.... K[/quote'] And as soon as I hit the 'send' button I was smacking my head because I am sure there are people out there who would LOVE to have my dh's 'problem.' And I think those quotes were well placed. :) I know if he had to choose this job or not being able to feed and house his family he would not even be thinking of changing...but this morning he told me he is going to try to get his masters...go back to school in January..and while I am not against that I am not sure it will solve his problem. Edited December 16, 2008 by Scarlett used wrong word... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Dh is a software engineer/architect and hates his current position. he's thought about school but it's more debt and he doesn't want to do that....and I don't think it would help his job search. I don't mind a smaller house if need be b/c of less pay but looking back dh has hated a lot of his jobs....but he's doing what he loves. he's not the kind to do his own thing....so I have no clue how to help my dh either :-( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Dh is a software engineer/architect and hates his current position. he's thought about school but it's more debt and he doesn't want to do that....and I don't think it would help his job search. I don't mind a smaller house if need be b/c of less pay but looking back dh has hated a lot of his jobs....but he's doing what he loves. he's not the kind to do his own thing....so I have no clue how to help my dh either :-( He likes the work, but not the company? or other work situation? I think that might be what is going on with dh...he has some serious issues with some---ummmm issues.. :tongue_smilie: I'm not really that dumb I just don't feel at liberty to say all there is to say... Before dh went back to school he worked in a luxury car manufacturing business....all aspects since he was about 19...He loved being so proud of the final product and being able to see his work in such a concrete way. Code, or software doesn't shine up the way a car does. However, he didn't like the lack of respect and pay he felt he received in the blue collar industry...I think part of it might have been perceived not real...but whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 BTDT. (DH was a programmer.) We bought an inn. Sooo....are you glad you guys made the change? Do you think you are happier? Do you make as much money or at least enough money not to be stressed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 I was in that position by default in my families business. IT's a hard spot to be in - the business was sold and that let me out by default. I don't have any wisdom to share - i just can imagine how he feels :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 We recently took a big risk financially. DH wasn't making good money but it was enough to pay the bills. Then his job reduced his salary in such a way that it lowered our monthly take home pay by 25%. Suddenly, we found ourselves $600 short of meeting our bare minimum needs. So, he quit and started his own business. This was about 1 1/2 months ago. He's not making enough to pay the bills yet. For now, that is okay because we cashed out his small IRA to make up the difference until he does. We're are not sure how long it will last. Worst case scenario (he makes nothing) is that we have enough money to last us until the end of March. It is a scary thing to take on but we figure we are probably better off. He's in a field that businesses can't do without and he can outbid the competition significantly because he has no overhead or employees. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 We moved to Florida 10 years ago in large part because my husband had a life-long dream to work for a certain large company in the area and we wanted to see if we could make that happen. For four years, he worked as a consultant/contractor for companies that placed people at that company, putting up with getting laid off with no notice, getting treated pretty crummy, being on-site but having no access to the percs that come with cast member status, working all kinds of bizarre shifts . . . Then, finally, miraculously, the company converted his entire department to permanent employee status. He was so, so happy. Proud, just pleased as punch. Then, two years later, they outsourced the entire department again. He is now employed by a third party, still sitting at the same desk doing the same job, but again without any of the goodies (free assorted freebies and discounts) that the company provides to its employees. Basically, the college student who works 15 hours a week in one of the shops gets more percs than my husband. As if that weren't insulting and upsetting enough, the company for which he now works is not a nice place to be. Their ethical standards are less than impressive, and they treat their employees pretty badly. My husband has had repeated run-ins with his management over the employer's squeeze extra work out of his reports without paying overtime, over some unethical things he's been asked to do, over the way that their attempts to cut corners and reduce expenses may mean the customer is not getting the level of service my husband believes is appropriate. And the contracting company has made no secret of the fact that they are actively looking to outsouce and off-shore as many jobs as possible. All of this to say: He hates, hates, hates this job. He is miserable and is doing a pretty efficient job of making the rest of us feel it. And I, too, fell completely helpless. I would volunteer to go get a job, but the reality is that what I could make would be less than a drop in the bucket compared to his salary. On top of that, given our daughter's school situation and our son's assorted activities and commitments, one of us has to be flexible and available pretty much all the time. Neither of us is willing--at the point-- to upset the apple cart that dramatically. I've encouraged him to look for other options, and he's done so, but there just isn't anything happening for him. So, he's just plain stuck, unless we take some risks I don't think we feel okay about taking. So, no help, but lots of sympathy. It's so hard to watch them be miserable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 All of this to say: He hates, hates, hates this job. He is miserable and is doing a pretty efficient job of making the rest of us feel it. And I, too, fell completely helpless. I would volunteer to go get a job, but the reality is that what I could make would be less than a drop in the bucket compared to his salary. Exactly. I do feel he takes his unhappiness out on us and that he is a less than effective husband and father due to how miserable he is....but as you say, there is not much I can do... Our mortgage is fairly high, but we owe very little on it. Other than that we have no debt...so we have the ability to cut expenses drastically if we need to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Do most of your dh's happen to be in their 40's or so? Also, I've noticed over the years that it comes and goes, depending on how things are going with the company he's working for. This is true...he is in his mid 40s and he has gone through several bouts of wanting out of this company since new Chiefs took over the Tribe. Everytime he is fed totally up they give him a ginormous raise. So then he is happier for a time again.... I guess I should be glad he isn't changing jobs every year or so... I am willing to downsize. We could sell this house and buy a small one outright. No mortgage would give us more options...but I think dh is less willing than me to take drastic measures. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 ...but I think dh is less willing than me to take drastic measures. My husband is 44. So, yes, the age thing holds true for him, too. And, like Scarlett's husband, mine is the one of the two of us who is less willing to make sacrifices. We rent, but I lobbied hard for a much less expensive place than we are in now and got nowhere. He's the one who insists on splurging on vacations and assorted toys for himself and the kids. I am naturally much more frugal and flexible, but he just can't hack it. So, much like those who followed my Christmas gift thread have already learned, this is yet another way in which the man to whom I am married can make a person crazy. He wants it all, his way, right now and takes it out on himself and everyone else if he doesn't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 My DH doesn't like his job either. Never has. He's 32 :) , so not 40s yet. I just bought him the book a few days ago. We'll see how helpful it is soon, I guess. Right now, with 3 kids, he's not really willing to risk a change, thouhg. And really, here in MI, one must be grateful just to have a job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenn in Mo Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Our mortgage is fairly high, but we owe very little on it. Other than that we have no debt...so we have the ability to cut expenses drastically if we need to. This is wonderful! Even cutting back a little can make a huge difference. I don't know how you guys share your finance organization, but is there any way you could be socking some away and creating a savings account? It really helped my dh see the figures.....this is how much we need to get by each month, if we save up 6 months worth of that amount and have no debt then we can safely take the plunge. He had to see the numbers. If you were able to surprise your dh with some of that portion already saved, perhaps it would be an encouragement to see the family tackling it as a team. I know it is very important to my dh that it's not "his" computer business, but the family's business. Surprise or no, maybe playing out the scenario and crunching the numbers would put his mind at ease and encourage him to explore his options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Before dh went back to school he worked in a luxury car manufacturing business....all aspects since he was about 19...He loved being so proud of the final product and being able to see his work in such a concrete way. Code, or software doesn't shine up the way a car does. However, he didn't like the lack of respect and pay he felt he received in the blue collar industry...I think part of it might have been perceived not real...but whatever. I understand about the respect issue. My dh is in construction. There is a difference. Dh has been in business for years, is a skilled craftsman, but when he is wearing painters whites he gets treated differently. It's like he has to prove himself to every client to overcome the stereotype. I see a real change in his demeanor when he is working for a client that respects his expertise. My dh looked at getting into the computer industry, but going back to school wasn't feasible a few years ago. I do think he'd miss creating something tangible. I understand how you dh would feel that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Surprise or no, maybe playing out the scenario and crunching the numbers would put his mind at ease and encourage him to explore his options. I think it does help when I remind him about his stock options (already purchased) that he can sell if he leaves the company. That is another thing that really bugs him...they give him these options but really if you sell them and make a profit you are seen as disloyal....and often your days there are then numbered. So we have to view the options as overall long term savings/retirement rather than a perk or additional salary. Anyway, those options would get us through for a while. Almost enough to pay off the house as a matter of fact.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 We all want to see our husbands happy in their work :grouphug: Dh didn't switch industries but he is doing similar work at a different company now and it has made all the difference. We did take a very small pay cut to make it work. What steps can you take to get in a position for a change? Does he know what he wants to do? Encourage him to dream, write down the dreams and then goal and the small steps to making those goals happen. You can do many small things to get ready for a change without giving up the pay that you need to support a family. Just starting down that road can be a huge boost. You can't start walking toward a goal until you have identified it though. :grouphug: I know. I guess that is the problem. When he was 32 and had the opportunity to quit his job and go full time to finish his degree he, although he had been going part time for years, had NO CLUE what he wanted to do. *I* steered him toward engineering which I felt his mind is geared toward...but he chose Computer Science which at the time was one of the other 4 year degrees he could get at the time without us having to relocate (I was working at the time)... I know his childhood dreams... A Dallas Cowboys Football Player Ride a Harley all the way to California with me on the back Open his own Bait Shop near the lake Own his own Car Detail business. And lately he has been fascinated with this Windmill Power Source that is all the talk...he says things like, 'wouldn't it be great to work for a company that was trying to make things better?' Of course I"ve encouraged him to go apply at the company! I'm sure he could get hired using his current skills... He is by nature a conservative man who wishes that he wasn't...if that makes sense. So...that translates to...stay in nice safe job making a lot of money while being horribly unhappy and desiring to throttle certain superiors. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 I understand about the respect issue. My dh is in construction. There is a difference. Dh has been in business for years, is a skilled craftsman, but when he is wearing painters whites he gets treated differently. It's like he has to prove himself to every client to overcome the stereotype. I see a real change in his demeanor when he is working for a client that respects his expertise. My dh looked at getting into the computer industry, but going back to school wasn't feasible a few years ago. I do think he'd miss creating something tangible. I understand how you dh would feel that way. So does your dh own a construction company? Does he handle the business and the skilled craft work...? Also, it doesn't help that I have a mega rich best friend and her dh has just sold his company and theorectically is retiring by age 50 or so. I think our close association with them breeds discontent in dh especially when he feels down about his own job. I tell him you just can't compare or compete with others...it will only make you miserable. I mean friends that can afford a $200K pool...that kind of mega rich. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 So does your dh own a construction company? Does he handle the business and the skilled craft work...? Also, it doesn't help that I have a mega rich best friend and her dh has just sold his company and theorectically is retiring by age 50 or so. I think our close association with them breeds discontent in dh especially when he feels down about his own job. I tell him you just can't compare or compete with others...it will only make you miserable. I mean friends that can afford a $200K pool...that kind of mega rich. I wish we had those issues. That was dh's plan. He wanted the stable successful business by now, but it didn't turn out that way. He is self-employed and works mainly on his own. We do not have employees. Good labor is hard to find. He's worked for himself off and on for 30 years. He truly is an expert finish carpenter, but does everything just to keep jobs lined up. My dh sees people that own construction companies like that, but the headaches they have to contend with are 24/7. This year he finally cut back on big jobs, has one subcontracted laborer and the phone doesn't ring every night at dinner. He has more time to be a dad and that makes a difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 My dh has a job that pays a decent wage - for our area. He HATES it. It's starting to take an emotional toll on him. I notice the difference although he tries to shove it aside when he walks in the door. I think changing careers at this stage of the game would be very difficult - of course, not impossible, just difficult, and anything else probably wouldn't pay as well. So, there we are. He always wanted to be a farmer; he idolizes Pa Ingalls. The poor guy! We're hoping he can make it another 5 years (he'll probably have to change employers due to contract issues with their largest client - more yucky stuff), and then retire. We've tried to always manage things so he could retire earlier than later. But with the economy, things aren't looking so rosy. Your dh is not alone. I have no advice. Just wanted to commiserate. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.