Help me support DS - his very close friend’s dad passed (trigger warning)

[footballmom]

One of DS’s closest friends moved away 2 years ago.  They still talk all the time / on line game together.  DS was excited because friend was going to be in town this summer for a few days. (Trigger warning) Sadly, the friend’s dad took his own life yesterday.  So, two things: can you please pray for this family?  And how would you best support your child through this? I don’t know if DS talked to friend 1:1 or if they had a group call (this happened after I went to bed last night), but DS has gotten some of the details and is not only struggling with the taking of one’s life but the details around it.  He came in my room last night and laid on top of me and started pouring out what he’s heard.  Then he said he was going to snuggle our dog.  DS is 15.  I want to be there for him, give a space to talk and process, not sure if talking to a counselor would also help, but would take a lot of effort in our area to get someone taking new clients. 

[Katy]

Just listen. Tell him to just listen and say nothing more than, “This totally sucks, I’m so sorry.” Tell him not to try and say anything to make himself feel better. People say terrible things when people die, especially young or with suicide. Depression is awful and depression is to blame, not the man’s character. 

Go to the funeral if possible. Bring food to the family if possible. Offer to let the friend come stay for a few days or a few weeks this summer if possible. 

[Farrar]

Adding to the above - affirm for your ds that it's okay that he feels grief and trauma from this. When people experience things removed, it can be easy to negate their own feelings. Your ds isn't going through what his friend is going through and obviously that's worse. But also, it doesn't mean he doesn't also need some support or that he can't also be upset deeply by this, especially if his friend is leaning on him.

[Spryte]

4 minutes ago, Katy said:

Just listen. Tell him to just listen and say nothing more than, “This totally sucks, I’m so sorry.” Tell him not to try and say anything to make himself feel better. People say terrible things when people die, especially young or with suicide. Depression is awful and depression is to blame, not the man’s character. 

Go to the funeral if possible. Bring food to the family if possible. Offer to let the friend come stay for a few days or a few weeks this summer if possible. 

This.

Emphasizing that a long-ish visit might be great.

Your son will need lots of support, too, so glad you are there for him.

Also, for you, as the parent supporting your kid supporting his friend: I struggled mightily in 2019 when my son’s bio mom died by suicide. All the feelings. And again, when one of my “inner sanctum” friends was killed in a murder-suicide (I also knew, didn’t like, the perpetrator). I have found some peace viewing their choices as a form of problem-solving. That’s for you, if you need it, not to share with your son until some point in the future, if it’s ever appropriate. It just helped me to view it through that lens while supporting my son. YMMV.

I’m so sorry this has touched your family, and your son’s family. My thoughts will be with you.

[gardenmom5]

My father took his own life when I was 12.  (on father's day weekend.)  If your son wants to be there for his friend, good for him.  I would suggest he at least express his condolences, and be willing to listen to his friend.  Perhaps share some positive memories of his friend's father.

HOWEVER - I would like to warn you - your son's "grief", may well not be welcome to his friend.  His friend's life has been turned upside down and changed forever.   Your son's life has not.  35 years after my father's death - I was very taken aback when the wife of his best friend said how "broken up he was".    The friend's life hadn't changed - mine had changed forever. and not in a good way. I was so taken aback, I couldn't even continue the conversation.

 

How close was your son to his friend's father?  I would be more concerned about the friend getting the support he needs.

How old are they?

Let him talk, or not.  Let him express his emotions, or not, in a safe space where his feelings will be respected.

Does he now have fears something might happen (anything) to your or your dh?

How closely is he identifying to his friend?

There are childhood grief groups  (I would STRONGLY urge it for the friend).  Your son might benefit from a few sessions if he's really struggling.  There might even be some online groups that would have easier access.

[fairfarmhand]

This exact scenario occurred with my ds last year.

Be close to him.

Help him know how to help his friend. Like my ds friend wasn't up for things like paintball and nerf guns for awhile (it was a gun related suicide) My ds really didn't understand that, but I told him that he didn't have to understand, but just needed to respect his friend's needs for the time being. Certain movies weren't a good idea for awhile. 

He will have questions for awhile. It might be the same questions over and over. There may be no answer to the questions. But still listen to them. 

Tell him that he can't fix things for his friend. There are no answers. Teach him what phrases to avoid. (anything with "at least") "I'm so sorry, this is awful." Is all that can be said. And remind him that just his presence is enough, even if he can't fix it. 

For your ds provide ways for him to blow off steam after intense events like the funeral. He may need to be alone, he may need to go for a run or he may need to be with you. Ask him what he needs, but schedule that time for him to recover.

Edited June 15, 2022 by fairfarmhand

[bolt.]

If you have the opportunity, try to introduce or emphasize the narrative that, like other illnesses, mental illnesses such as depression sometimes have fatal outcomes -- which is the result of the disease's actions in their brain. That means that it isn't a free choice, but the result of altered cognition beyond the person's control. Therefore nobody chose anything in the situation, it's a medical death from a condition that sometimes has that result.

Some people really resonate with that framing... others, obviously, should take it or leave it. It's only helpful if it's helpful.

[Starr]

It sounds like you've got the positives going. He talked with his friend/friend group and he came to you and expressed his feelings. How far away do you live? Close enough to attend a funeral? I was in my 20s but those first few deaths of friends, a murder and a suicide were so shocking to me. It really takes time to process.Hugs to all of you.

[Clarita]

I echo some people who say he should send condolences that sort of thing for his friend. The grief part isn't something he's likely to walk through together with his friend. He can be a crying shoulder listen to his friends grief but he shouldn't delve into his own grief with his friend. After my dad passed (of illness) a few people started sharing that sort of thing with me and I couldn't. There was enough grief and shock within me I can deal with the other people grief.

3 hours ago, footballmom said:

 I want to be there for him, give a space to talk and process, not sure if talking to a counselor would also help, but would take a lot of effort in our area to get someone taking new clients. 

It'd actually be really nice for him to talk to someone (at least somewhat trained) about this. He may not realize the trauma and it'll help to process. For me a youth pastor pulled me aside after my friend died (natural causes) that helped me process some things that I didn't even know I needed to process. I don't know if suicide may warrant someone with even more training.   

FYI in a public school setting when something like this occurs friends and acquaintances of the student are offered some counseling. Like when my friend's dad passed away it was more of a group thing and general guidance as to what to say or expect of her when she comes back to school. For the death of a student who they knew to be a friend of mine they offered more one-on-one counseling with the school counselor (I was unable to take advantage of this due to some other circumstances).

[footballmom]

Thank you, all, for the advice and support.  DS would never verbalize his own grief to his friend and unfortunately, through our own family’s losses, he’s honed an ability to be a mature support person. I.e. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

We talked a little more today. I’m keeping a close eye on DS because I can feel the weight he’s carrying in his energy.  We will go to the funeral if DS would like to go.  Please keep praying for this family.  The details DS shared with me are horrifying. 

[fairfarmhand]

Oh, I don't know if you knew the family well and your ds was around the father who died, but I think it helped my ds to sit with us and remember things about the man who died. We did have some positive memories and some special times. He was a good man.  We were careful to try to not make that father's life be about the way that it ended. It also helped that our community did the same thing. There were so many  sweet memories shared in that time. It still stings and it's so confusing but everyone is coping. 

If your ds wants to do something, letters with happy memories can be good things to share. Also, serving in some way is helpful, like serving at an after funeral meal or tending the family's yard, or something like that.