Nm

[itsheresomewhere]

2 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

since it sounds like this is someone you respect, I would ask this person to explain *exactly* what they meant.

  .

Not someone I respect but I did ask a few times when different ones have used the word.  They explained it exactly like I posted.  

[gardenmom5]

48 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Not someone I respect but I did ask a few times when different ones have used the word.  They explained it exactly like I posted.  

I apparently  missed you are not the OP, to whom I thought I was responding.

But if it's someone with whom you care to have a relationship used it with you - it can be enlightening to ask them to be more explicit about what they think you did that they are referring to as "gaslighting".  Not use what is a generic term of "gaslight".  (and find out what it means *to them*. which may or may not be the same thing as in a dictionary.)

 

Edited August 5, 2021 by gardenmom5

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited October 27, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[gardenmom5]

1 minute ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I think you are confusing @itsheresomewhere and me.

yes - I did.   I realized that as I went back, and then noticed the names were different.  I'd still go after the person for their definition, and examples.

[itsheresomewhere]

46 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I apparently  missed you are not the OP, to whom I thought I was responding.

But if it's someone with whom you care to have a relationship used it with you - it can be enlightening to ask them to be more explicit about what they think you did that they are referring to as "gaslighting".  Not use what is a generic term of "gaslight".  (and find out what it means *to them*. which may or may not be the same thing as in a dictionary.)

 

I think you must have missed I did ask what they thought it meant.  It was exactly like I posted.  This was a group setting with people talking about someone.  

[Melissa Louise]

People use it incorrectly. Mostly, they should use a term like 'invalidating' instead. 

Unless you are deliberately and purposefully trying to make your child doubt his own reality/sanity, you're not gaslighting him. 

Parents do sometimes - often non-deliberately and non-maliciously - invalidate a child's feelings or perceptions. 

 

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited October 27, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[popmom]

2 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

People use it incorrectly. Mostly, they should use a term like 'invalidating' instead. 

Unless you are deliberately and purposefully trying to make your child doubt his own reality/sanity, you're not gaslighting him. 

Parents do sometimes - often non-deliberately and non-maliciously - invalidate a child's feelings or perceptions. 

 

I’m pretty sure my mother never deliberately and purposefully gaslights me. But it’s still gaslighting. It’s a case of genuinely believing her own lies. It is a consistent, maladaptive ((way of relating)) to someone who criticizes her, disagrees with her, or calls her out on something. It is not premeditated.

[Melissa Louise]

37 minutes ago, popmom said:

I’m pretty sure my mother never deliberately and purposefully gaslights me. But it’s still gaslighting. It’s a case of genuinely believing her own lies. It is a consistent, maladaptive ((way of relating)) to someone who criticizes her, disagrees with her, or calls her out on something. It is not premeditated.

 

The term is derived from a film where the villain  deliberately makes his wife think she's going mad. He literally does a thing with the (gas) lights. 

It's meaning is pretty broad now - I don't know that I'd personally use it as you describe. There has to be a term for the malicious, deliberate type of harassment. 

 

[popmom]

43 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

The term is derived from a film where the villain  deliberately makes his wife think she's going mad. He literally does a thing with the (gas) lights. 

It's meaning is pretty broad now - I don't know that I'd personally use it as you describe. There has to be a term for the malicious, deliberate type of harassment. 

 

That’s what I was thinking actually. What you are describing sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock movie! And I had heard that before. So I understand what you are saying. What I’m saying is that it only happens that way in movies. I think that’s why the definition has broadened—because it just doesn’t go down like that in real life. And people like me need a term for it. I haven’t found a better one. Or a more clinical term. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by popmom

[Rosie_0801]

49 minutes ago, popmom said:

I’m pretty sure my mother never deliberately and purposefully gaslights me. But it’s still gaslighting. It’s a case of genuinely believing her own lies. It is a consistent, maladaptive ((way of relating)) to someone who criticizes her, disagrees with her, or calls her out on something. It is not premeditated.

I'd call that 'smoke screening.'

[popmom]

29 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I'd call that 'smoke screening.'

Me: Mom, please do not bad mouth me to my children. It confuses them and upsets them.

my mom: (yelling and crying) You’re sick! There’s something really wrong with you! You need therapy!

Me **mentions an upcoming vacation/going to be out of town on x days**

my mom: I’m really worried about you. I think you might be bipolar. You travel too much. 
 

my mom: **brings up my dds indiscretion from years ago to throw in my face because I didn’t act sorry enough that I couldn’t come to my brother’s cookout.**

me: mom, I love you. I will always love you, but this is making me angry. You were wrong to do that to (dd).

my mom: **later in conversation** “you’re the one who went NUTS when I scolded you about not coming to (brother’s) cookout. You need to change your meds! **referring to me calling her out for her abusive treatment of my dd**

Is that “smoke screening”? I had a different impression of what a smoke screen is.

 

ETA if I were to say to her…do you remember when you did such and such, she would tell me that she never said that! In response to the incident with my dd, she remembers it quite differently and “if (dd) says anything different, then she’s just being melodramatic!” Actual words.

maybe my examples are more projection than gaslighting?

Edited August 6, 2021 by popmom

[Rosie_0801]

@popmom, most of that is just plain old verbal and emotional abuse and doesn't deserve analytical attention. 

[popmom]

37 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

@popmom, most of that is just plain old verbal and emotional abuse and doesn't deserve analytical attention. 

Ok. Interesting. Well everyone just disregard my comment. I don’t know what it means. Maybe it’s “crazy making”. 
 

eta…according to Ramani’s videos…the above scenarios—particularly when it’s continued over long periods of time—is gaslighting. I guess not everyone has the same definition.

Edited August 6, 2021 by popmom

[popmom]

 

[Slache]

1 hour ago, popmom said:

I guess not everyone has the same definition.

No. It's crazy making!

[popmom]

22 minutes ago, Slache said:

No. It's crazy making!

Ok so I googled crazymaking vs gaslighting. Many people use the terms interchangeably. Some people suggest subtle differences. My mother causes me doubt truth and reality. Not “my truth”—actual truth and reality. Call it what y’all want. 🙂 The effect of it on those who have experienced it is more important that whatever label we give it. 
 

@BaseballandHockeysorry if I have confused things for you! 

Edited August 6, 2021 by popmom

[Indigo Blue]

@popmom, in my opinion, your example above is gaslighting.

 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

9 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

The term is derived from a film where the villain  deliberately makes his wife think she's going mad. He literally does a thing with the (gas) lights. 

 

 

9 hours ago, popmom said:

 What you are describing sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock movie!

The movie is "Gaslight".  Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer.   He married her looking for a fortune (that she doesn't know about).  When he turns on the gaslights in the attic, it reduces the gas pressure in other parts of the house so the lights go down.   He tries to make her think she's crazy.

[Slache]

7 hours ago, popmom said:

Ok so I googled crazymaking vs gaslighting. Many people use the terms interchangeably. Some people suggest subtle differences. My mother causes me doubt truth and reality. Not “my truth”—actual truth and reality. Call it what y’all want. 🙂 The effect of it on those who have experienced it is more important that whatever label we give it. 
 

@BaseballandHockeysorry if I have confused things for you! 

There's a problem regarding information on cluster b personality disorders in that it's not widely studied in the field but there is a drastic need for help and information by the public. As a result patients tend to know more about it than doctors and we have our own lingo and definitions, which are not streamlined. It's not good!