Thank you

[Drama Llama]

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Edited July 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

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Edited July 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

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Edited July 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[wendyroo]

The Lego site has online instructions for all the sets. Currently my 10 and 12 year olds are working to give my 7 year old a “new” set for his birthday. They just looked through the sets online, chose one they were pretty sure they had all the pieces for (no really unique pieces), printed off the instructions, and are now sneaking time to find and bag all the necessary pieces.

Maybe you could get your niece interested in something like that.

There are also books full of themed building ideas and examples. They kind of bridge the gap between explicit instructions and free building.

At times I’ve also incentivized building challenges. ie Whoever produces the most unique house for a pet (as judged by me with regard to participants’ ages) gets to pick afternoon snack.

[Drama Llama]

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Edited July 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[mommyoffive]

7 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

We tried quiet time today. everyone else happily picked things to do, and she spent the hour whining, negotiating, and trying to police the other kids.  Now "quiet time" is officially over, and my kids have basically decided not to come back, so she still has no one to play with.   We'll keep trying, because I think her inability to do it is probably a sign that she needs it.

 

Might take some time to adjust to that if she hasn't ever had that before.  I always have my kids in different rooms at "nap time".  Did she have things to do?  My kids often read or listen to audio books while doing something else.

[kirstenhill]

For alone time/quiet time, is she at all interested in listening to audio books? My boys find that way more relaxing than actually reading.  My youngest, who is terrible at entertaining himself, will listen to audiobooks to pass the time when no siblings or neighbors are available to play.  My younger boys have cheap kindle fires, and those can be locked down with as many parental controls as is appropriate to your situation, and can play audiobooks from audible, Overdrive (or other library apps), etc.

[Drama Llama]

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Edited July 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[gardenmom5]

Have you spoken with her parents that she's so stressed and needs some extra "mom and dad love"?  (because no matter what - shes *11*.  she's still pretty young, and she is their responsibility first.)   Stress for kids can make them more socially clueless too.

Since she is at your house so much - Have you tried sitting down with her, letting you know you love her - and sharing with her more successful things she can do to play with the kids that will make them like her (not focusing on what she's doing wrong, but what she can do right.)

[Drama Llama]

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Edited July 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[gardenmom5]

So this is a VERY new baby - I misunderstood and was thinking the baby was older.
I'd take older kids and have them snuggling with me while I was feeding the baby.  They got the mom contact too, and I could talk to them.

If she's there a lot, just giving her the "mom" nurture she needs to feel safe and loved.  The disruption can be so hard.  maybe some "girl" activities.  beadie babies can actually work for boys and girls (zipper pulls, key chains.) if you have time to sit with them.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I'm going to put on a contrary hat for a moment for some perspective taking.....

Right, but weren't these also the parents that sent their kids to live with you for the past few weeks for a baby moon prior to delivery? My own children would have totally felt hurt and rejected through that but put a brave face on. And mom had a baby but is choosing to send her other kids away during the day still?  That's not a normal dynamic at all and it can be causing some feelings of insecurity that are manifesting with the clinginess and trying to be controlling moreso than is normal even for a higher demanding personality.  

This poor kid has been uprooted from her home and friends, moved cross-country, isolated to play only with cousins until recently, eating nearly all meals only with extended family, and then got shipped off to wholly live with her extended family, whom I'm sure she loves and enjoys---but that's a lot of disruptment over the course of a year.  I'd be bonding with my kid through yet another transition rather than continuing the disruption.  Is there any way she could have special mom time only every afternoon for an hour or two? 

 

[Drama Llama]

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Edited July 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

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Edited July 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Susan in TX]

One thing you might want to consider is her diet. My son gets very grumpy and hard to deal with when he eats certain food. Certain foods also spike his anxiety. One of the things he is sensitive to is annato. It is in yellow cheese and a lot of snack foods and ice cream. He is sensitive to other food additives as well. We have had a lot of improvement in behavior after eliminating processed food and sugar.

 

Susan in TX

[Junie]

I wonder if she's missing her friends and her home.  Did she have a chance to say goodbye?  Does she get to chat on the phone/text/zoom with some of her friends from before the move?  I wonder if that might be contributing to some of her behavior.

[itsheresomewhere]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

She didn't get "shipped off".  She stayed in the home she'd been living in, with her grandfather who had been a part of her daily life for the past year, and her cousin who had been her childcare provider for that whole year, while her parents moved into the new house, and she visited them regularly.  If by "eating all meals with her extended family" you mean she ate with the people who lived in her house, which included her grandfather then yes, I guess she did.  Right now, she eats breakfast at home, dinner at home unless it's a night like tonight where she's eating before a swim meet.  She eats food I cook and send with them, but she eats it with them.  

Something to think about is maybe in her mind she did get shipped off. While you as an adult don’t see it that way, she is a kid and might see it completely that way.  Even thinking the baby is more valued to her parents over her.  This is something her parents need to talk to her about.  I know you love her to bits but this is really something they need to address. Just be the fun aunt who has the cool stuff and the snacks she doesn’t have at home:). 
 

 And I would honestly be a bit perturbed if you didn’t tell me as her mom and just spoke to DH.  I get that both of you are trying to keep the stress off but honestly it would stress me out more to know no one mentioned it personally to me. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by itsheresomewhere

[Terabith]

And she's had a lot of vicarious trauma.  She didn't get to say goodbye to her home or her friends.  She was there to watch a cousin her own age die.  I'm sure she's quite aware of the horrible things that could possibly happen and is worried about some of the traumas that have hit your family happening to hers.  It's a LOT.  

But, she's surrounded by people who love her.  That is very protective, and I feel strongly that she'll be okay in the long run.  But in the short term, it's hard, and messy, and frustrating, and I'd both feel horrible for her but also be angry with her because while she's suffering, she's suffering so much less than your own children, and she's being so much more unpleasant in her coping strategies.  And while I'd have compassion, I'd also want to sell her off to gypsies.  Which, I stress, is not a good idea.  Don't do that.  

And 10, almost 11, feels pretty old, but it's also very young, and she doesn't have a real sense of what a baby is or can do.  There's probably some disappointment to the realization that the baby won't be old enough to be a playmate for a few years.  

I think the only things you can do are to try to reduce the competition, reduce the boy/ girl/ human dynamics, provide reassurance and attention, keep things as stable as they possibly can be, and just try to endure.  And ideally still try to figure out how to manage your own needs for grieving and sleep while caring for all the kids.  It's a lot.

I'm sorry.  

Edited July 7, 2021 by Terabith

[Terabith]

I do think in the long run that school and making friends outside of the extended family circle will help a lot, but that's a bit down the road and not something you have control over.  

[Melissa in Australia]

4 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

Might take some time to adjust to that if she hasn't ever had that before.  I always have my kids in different rooms at "nap time".  Did she have things to do?  My kids often read or listen to audio books while doing something else.

We do this 

[Shoeless]

3 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

She didn't get "shipped off".  She stayed in the home she'd been living in, with her grandfather who had been a part of her daily life for the past year, and her cousin who had been her childcare provider for that whole year, while her parents moved into the new house, and she visited them regularly.  If by "eating all meals with her extended family" you mean she ate with the people who lived in her house, which included her grandfather then yes, I guess she did.  Right now, she eats breakfast at home, dinner at home unless it's a night like tonight where she's eating before a swim meet.  She eats food I cook and send with them, but she eats it with them.  

"Visiting" with your mom and dad isn't the same thing at all as living with them.  Her parents seriously moved into a new house and left her behind with grandpa and a cousin? And then left her with y'all, while they nested and bonded with a new baby?  Yeah, I'd be feeling "shipped off" and abandoned, too.