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Not_a_Number

By Not_a_Number,
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hippiemamato3

hippiemamato3

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

So, a pattern I've noticed is that when we have a day with a serious fight, I will be VERY sweet for a few days. Then I'll be more restrained for a few more days. Then we'll usually a few weeks of "normal" levels of frustration (not quite Bob Barker patient, but patient), and eventually I get frustrated with the attitude and we'll have another day of yelling. 

Anyone else have this pattern? Anyone have workarounds? 

Restructure, communicate, change expectations. 

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hippiemamato3

hippiemamato3

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Just now, Not_a_Number said:

That’s very broad and not, I’m afraid, very helpful. I don’t want to change our basic structure, because the kids are thriving with it. I want to tweak my attitude and local responses to improve it.

You're not thriving with it though...you've made a bunch of threads about being stressed, frustrated, yelling. You can change things without completely restructuring, but the situation sounds miserable. And you seem very resistant to any kind of suggestion that helps. My DD is profoundly gifted and we've had to change things many times over the years. Your daughter may be gifted, or not, but she is 8 and you are having screaming matches with her because you're so frustrated. It sounds to me like you need to change some things. But hey - keep doing what you're doing. I've seen what that looks like and the pushing and constant frustration can really ruin relationships.

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almondbutterandjelly

almondbutterandjelly

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5 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

That’s very broad and not, I’m afraid, very helpful. I don’t want to change our basic structure, because the kids are thriving with it. I want to tweak my attitude and local responses to improve it.

From an anger management google search, it reminded me of stuff that works for me:

Control your first reaction.

Leave the place or situation.  

Expend your energy in some other way (I have found scrubbing the tub vigorously to help or Tae-Bo.  Remember Tae-Bo?)

Just walking into another room and doing some vigorous exercise helps.  Anger triggers a physical response, and you have to let it out.  Much better to do something productive with those excess feelings than yell at your kids.

((hugs))

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Emba

Emba

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1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

So, a pattern I've noticed is that when we have a day with a serious fight, I will be VERY sweet for a few days. Then I'll be more restrained for a few more days. Then we'll usually a few weeks of "normal" levels of frustration (not quite Bob Barker patient, but patient), and eventually I get frustrated with the attitude and we'll have another day of yelling. 

Anyone else have this pattern? Anyone have workarounds? 

I have noticed that sort of pattern. I think noticing is a good first step. If I can notice that I’m about due for things to go south again, and I start feeling more irritated about things ( but not nuclear level yet) I start focusing more on avoiding the blowout. For me this looks like: praying about it, Bible study, yoga (including the yoga by Adrienne someone linked above), making sure I’m getting exercise and alone time every day.

I also remind myself that some things can wait: I can leave the room instead of holding onto an issue until we go down in flames. I can say “that was unacceptable and I’ll give you a consequence later “. Giving it space and time can help both of us to think more clearly.
 

like everything, sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I’m not. I am very much a work in progress.

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Momto6inIN

Momto6inIN

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My 2 DS's were both champs at pushing my buttons. They still can now that they're 20 and 18, but thankfully they do it less frequently and less intentionallly 😉

Like a PP said, one of the biggest hurdles is realizing you have an inappropriate level of anger, as you have already done. When I realized my anger was becoming a problem, I started by apologozing every time I lost my temper. I think modeling repentance and humility to our kids is so powerful, whether you're a person of faith or not, although that was my motivation. As time went on, I got better at holding my anger in check and saying, "I can't talk to you about this now without yelling and getting angry and I don't want to do that. I will talk to you about it when I'm calm and have had time to think."

I definitely wasn't perfect at it and still am not, but I think it's ok to let your kids know you struggle with character flaws just as badly as they do - worse, in my case!

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Momto6inIN

Momto6inIN

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Aaaaaand in installment 2 of my toddler frustration drama ... today I thought she was upstairs with DD8 while I did math with DD12 and so the extended period of quiet didn't alarm me. Then I found her with an entire tub of A&D ointment spread on the chest freezer, the shelf next to it, the floor, the extra wipes packages, her clothes, and herself including her entire head.

In case you're wondering, A&D ointment is insoluble in water. And so shampoo and dish soap didn't help. I had to coat her hair with cornstarch to absorb some of it and then de-grease her entire head with peanut butter.

The bathtub still smells like peanuts and her hair is still a bit greasy but I'm done.

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Junie

Junie

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2 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

You're not thriving with it though...

I think that this is key.

I think that at least some of my kids would thrive with a much more rigorous homeschool experience, but I just can't do it.  I mean, I would love to have my kids working to the top of their ability, but it would completely break me to do it.  And I won't.  My own health -- my kids having a healthy mom -- is more important than a rigorous education and college scholarships.

I'm not really in a place of frustration right now because I have accepted this.  This is who I am and this is what I can do.

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prairiewindmomma

prairiewindmomma

Posted
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2 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

So, a pattern I've noticed is that when we have a day with a serious fight, I will be VERY sweet for a few days. Then I'll be more restrained for a few more days. Then we'll usually a few weeks of "normal" levels of frustration (not quite Bob Barker patient, but patient), and eventually I get frustrated with the attitude and we'll have another day of yelling. 

Anyone else have this pattern? Anyone have workarounds? 

I do not have this pattern, but this is a known phenomena.  

Incident-Reconciliation/Honeymoon-Calm-Tension Building-Incident

I think this is "consider counseling" territory, given all that you have shared about your past and that you recognize this pattern in yourself.  I think dealing with someone directly may prove more helpful than going circles about it with people online.

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hippiemamato3

hippiemamato3

Posted
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2 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

So, a pattern I've noticed is that when we have a day with a serious fight, I will be VERY sweet for a few days. Then I'll be more restrained for a few more days. Then we'll usually a few weeks of "normal" levels of frustration (not quite Bob Barker patient, but patient), and eventually I get frustrated with the attitude and we'll have another day of yelling. 

Anyone else have this pattern? Anyone have workarounds? 

I've been trying to figure out all day why this makes me so uncomfortable, and I just realized it's because it's an abusive pattern of behavior. Having "serious fights" with an 8 year old and then behaving "very sweetly" is a sign that counseling - both family and individual - is a good idea. 

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Junie

Junie

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2 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Just to be clear, are you also saying I'm not thriving with it, or is that a personal statement? Because that's not my assessment of our situation here. 

Well, I guess it depends on your definition of thriving.  For me, what I think of as frustration would not be thriving.

 

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Junie

Junie

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(((Not a Number)))

Every homeschool is going to look different, but it is absolutely my goal to have zero frustration for myself as the teacher.   I popped onto this thread (maybe I shouldn't have?) so that maybe I could share the burden and give some hope.

I think everyone faces difficulties, but they all look different.  My difficulty came in the form of three years of daily migraines.  Some days I couldn't get out of bed or turn on a light.

And, so, that meant changing some expectations.  I do try to push my kids, but the moment things start to go south (whether it's because of me or because of them), I ease up on my expectations or find a different way to accomplish the material.  Sometimes this looks like taking a day off, or closing the books early.  Other times it is turning a written exercise into an oral exercise to get through it more quickly.

I have been feeling better for the last two years and so we are ramping things back up a little bit.  I still get frequent migraines, but they're not as bad (usually) and not as often.  

 

 

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Not_a_Number

Not_a_Number

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1 minute ago, Junie said:

I think everyone faces difficulties, but they all look different.  My difficulty came in the form of three years of daily migraines.  Some days I couldn't get out of bed or turn on a light.

Oh gosh. If that was my burden, I would absolutely make ANY accommodations necessary to make it better. That's just too much. 

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Junie

Junie

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2 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Oh gosh. If that was my burden, I would absolutely make ANY accommodations necessary to make it better. That's just too much. 

Yes, it was too much.  I never found a medication that worked for me, so I just had to do what I could.  I considered putting the kids in school, but that would have actually been more work.

Private school for six kids is quite pricey.  But, what was worse is I would have had to get up early to help get everyone ready and take them to school (or dh would take them and I would have to pick them up).  Either way, driving every day was not going to happen.

If we had sent the kids to public school, all of my kids' high school work would have been for naught.  They would have had to go back to ninth grade.  And dd10 would have been difficult to send to school.  I mean, what do you do with a kid who is doing third grade math before she's potty trained?

We just made it work at home and did the best we could. 😉

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SanDiegoMom

SanDiegoMom

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17 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I would very much doubt I could teach my kids with zero frustration involved. Learning is kind of a balancing act, you know? It's a contract between a teacher and student, where the teacher's job is to take the learner seriously, and to explain at the right level, and to keep work interesting, and to keep one's temper (that's obviously the part I'm working on -- I'm very good at the other parts), and the student's job is to work hard and stay respectful. And days that the student doesn't fulfill their part of the contract are, well, frustrating. But life is frustrating! The question is only how to deal with it. 

I was very much of this mindset and could not understand why when I was doing my part, the kids were really only fulfilling their part of the bargain maybe 3 out of 5 days?  I could do my best to do my job even when I had background stressors, and I wondered why they couldn't do their's when their life had much less going on in the background! So I had to reframe my expectations and shoot for the 80 percent rule -- if they did 80 percent of what I expected I had no reason to be frustrated.  I just basically tried to be happy with less, lol.  Now, the issue was always the balancing act -- I would also see the point at which expecting less also was not making my son happy (he needs to be challenged, but not overly so).  So while often my husband would say just take a day off! It won't hurt him, he's so far ahead! I know that it would throw him off more and NOT make him happy.  But I would find something alternative to do and then come back the next day and try again.  

The pattern you describe is very familiar to me.  It sounds like a consequence of you not having YOUR needs met or understood -- it just festers under the skin for a time until it erupts.  Of course I don't have an answer (I never really do, I just feel like I muddle through blindly the best I can!) but I know it helped when the kids were at an age that I could be completely honest with them.   When I was able to say hey, this is really frustrating me because I feel like you want to do this work and I worked so hard on these lesson plans and it's just not going the way I wanted. Is there something going on that I don't know about? What can we do together to fix this? But 8 year olds aren't quite into the self -analysis that teenagers are, so it just didn't work as well.  Hence, the 80 percent rule. 

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