My stylin' ride (and UGH to getting an elderly parent to stop driving!)

[DawnM]

My dad's car arrived but he doesn't want it yet for a couple of reasons.  So I drove it to work this morning.

2002 Mercury Sable with 59k miles on it!  Not in the least bit cleaned up.

😜

Edited June 17, 2020 by DawnM

[DawnM]

And this is how the conversation went yesterday:

 

Dad: "I am sure that when it is time for me to stop driving I won't have a problem with it like so many of those I know have when their children have told them to stop."

Me: "I honestly think you shouldn't be driving NOW!"

Dad, "Oh, no, I am not there yet."

🤔🙄😒😜

Oh yeah, we will have NO PROBLEM AT ALL!

He is 85 and scares me when he gets behind the wheel!

[PrincessMommy]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

And this is how the conversation went yesterday:

 

Dad: "I am sure that when it is time for me to stop driving I won't have a problem with it like so many of those I know have when their children have told them to stop."

Me: "I honestly think you shouldn't be driving NOW!"

Dad, "Oh, no, I am not there yet."

🤔🙄😒😜

Oh yeah, we will have NO PROBLEM AT ALL!

He is 85 and scares me when he gets behind the wheel!

yeah, he's not at all like those other people 🤣

[Ottakee]

14 minutes ago, PrincessMommy said:

yeah, he's not at all like those other people 🤣

Exactly....he is NOT like those other people

[Moonhawk]

My nana, may she rest in peace, refused to listen to people and give up her car. She wouldn't drive very far -- the church 5 miles away was out of her range -- but wanted to go to the bank and to the grocery store. Now, the grocery store was literally across the street: she had to pass two houses, then cross a highway (so 5 lanes but in a rural area so not much traffic) as a straight shot into the Safeway parking lot. Less than a quarter mile from garage to parking spot. She said it was such a short drive, what could happen?

Finally, one time when she was driving to the market and crossing the highway, a man literally pulled over, got out of his car, and stopped traffic so she could do a slow cross of the highway into the Safeway parking lot. Like, she was going so slow, he had time to do all of that. (I think the guy stayed with her and drove her/her car back home as well.) She was so embarrassed and it pointed it out to her better than we ever could that she could not drive anymore. And we were just glad that the eye opener wasn't a lot worse than embarrassing. 

 

[DawnM]

So.....a funny.

The car was on the street last night. I asked my 16 year old to move it and park it in the driveway for me.

He had to call me THREE times from the car to ask me how things worked! 😂

He couldn't find the parking brake release (it is a lever you pull by hand)

He couldn't find how to turn the headlights on (it is a knob on the far left side of the dash)

He couldn't get the key out of the ignition (you have to turn it more son!)

And he said with no backup camera he couldn't see so he just drove to the end of the cul-de-sac and turned around.

😅  

My husband and I keep telling him that is going to be his first car......he is not amused.  But we sure are!

[mom2scouts]

Been there, done that with the elderly parent. In our case, FIL had Alzheimer's, had driven over a curb, and thought red meant "go". We finally just took away the car and sold it, but he couldn't remember what happened and he told everyone the police stole it when he asked them to unlock it. Now, my 81 year old father shouldn't be driving and when my mom got a brand new car a couple of years ago, she refused to let him drive it and solved that problem for us.

[DawnM]

Honestly, I don't mind driving this car back and forth to work.  I don't want it for my only car, but if we need an extra car, it is fine for commuting.   I don't think we need it, but if someone needs to drive it, I don't mind.

[gardenmom5]

dh used to help an elderly woman at church.   one day she called him because her car wouldn't start.  he raised the hood, and the battery was gone.  He then closed it and told her he couldn't help her.   Her kids had taken the battery.   when we took my mom's car, I took her around once a week to do her shopping.  His sister had pretty much taken over driving mil around (and mil would get other's to take her places when she wanted to go somewhere else.)

for some, disconnecting something crucial that they don't know about - can prevent the car from even starting.

if you feel your father has reached the point he shouldn't be driving because he's not safe, it's time to take the keys. get the siblings on board, and explain to him how he will be able to get around without driving himself.  explain to him - that day has come.   I've seen too many stories where someone didn't want to offend/were afraid of/or-simply-oblivious-to-decline of an elderly parent - who then caused an accident/hit a pedestrian.

[DawnM]

Just now, gardenmom5 said:

dh used to help an elderly woman at church.   one day she called him because her car wouldn't start.  he raised the hood, and the battery was gone.  He then closed it and told her he couldn't help her.   Her kids had taken the battery.   when we took my mom's car, I took her around once a week to do her shopping.  His sister had pretty much taken over driving mil around (and mil would get other's to take her places when she wanted to go somewhere else.)

for some, disconnecting something crucial that they don't know about - can prevent the car from even starting.

if you feel your father has reached the point he shouldn't be driving because he's not safe, it's time to take the keys. get the siblings on board, and explain to him how he will be able to get around without driving himself.  explain to him - that day has come.   I've seen too many stories where someone didn't want to offend/were afraid of/or-simply-oblivious-to-decline of an elderly parent - who then caused an accident/hit a pedestrian.

 

I am an only child, no siblings to help.  

He has promised me he will look into more of an assisted living type situation within a year, and at that time, I plan to make sure the car is taken.  Although I have the car right now, and we are going to tell him NOT to drive to our house, just to let us drive him back and forth.  He can make it to the grocery store, Walgreens, and the gas station and bank, as they are only a mile from where he is staying.

We are also getting quotes on adding a full bath to our main floor game room and considering offering to let him stay there.  If he lives WITH us, he won't need to drive at all.  We just don't have a good house for an elderly person.  There are steps to get into our house, and no bathroom on the main floor.  That room is very large (20x20 plus a bar area) and has 12' ceilings.  It would be comfortable.  But I worry about the level of care he may need down the road.

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, DawnM said:

So.....a funny.

The car was on the street last night. I asked my 16 year old to move it and park it in the driveway for me.

He had to call me THREE times from the car to ask me how things worked! 😂

He couldn't find the parking brake release (it is a lever you pull by hand)

He couldn't find how to turn the headlights on (it is a knob on the far left side of the dash)

He couldn't get the key out of the ignition (you have to turn it more son!)

And he said with no backup camera he couldn't see so he just drove to the end of the cul-de-sac and turned around.

😅  

My husband and I keep telling him that is going to be his first car......he is not amused.  But we sure are!

we made all the kids learn to drive on a 1994 toyota tercel.  4sp gutless wonder. manual transmission.  no passenger side mirror (they all learned to LOOK over their right shoulder when backing up - their cousin couldn't understand how they could see!)  we all hated it.  had good gas mileage though.

1ds totaled it (didn't take much).   we toyed with fixing it so dudeling could learn to drive on it.  he's so not ready to learn.  he's 15.

1ds then ended up with a car with keyless ignition.  so he was driving my van, and spilled pop allover as he was pulling into the garage.  so - he was focusing on that, and didn't actually take the key out of the ignition.  didn't turn it all the way either.  he also killed my battery . . . . . . the spilled pop was distracting him.  after all, he pushes a button and walks away from his car.

[sassenach]

Thankfully FIL leased his current car. The lease is up next year and he can’t afford to replace it, so I think that will be the end of him driving. I haven’t seen him drive but I’m hoping he can drive better than he can walk. 

[gardenmom5]

3 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

I am an only child, no siblings to help.  

He has promised me he will look into more of an assisted living type situation within a year, and at that time, I plan to make sure the car is taken.  Although I have the car right now, and we are going to tell him NOT to drive to our house, just to let us drive him back and forth.  He can make it to the grocery store, Walgreens, and the gas station and bank, as they are only a mile from where he is staying.

We are also getting quotes on adding a full bath to our main floor game room and considering offering to let him stay there.  If he lives WITH us, he won't need to drive at all.  We just don't have a good house for an elderly person.  There are steps to get into our house, and no bathroom on the main floor.  That room is very large (20x20 plus a bar area) and has 12' ceilings.  It would be comfortable.  But I worry about the level of care he may need down the road.

there are agencies that can help with finding assisted living situations for seniors that will be fit them.  I wouldn't rely on him to do it.

My mom kept wanting to just live with me - we absolutely didn't have a good situation for that.  But I was able to get her into assisted living and they had a shuttle that would take the residents places.

[skimomma]

I feel for you on both counts.

My family drove a 1994 Mercury Sable for a few years....a lot more recently than I'd like to admit.  It was my grandfather's.  He was 90+ and lived with my mom.  He had been in so many (minor) accidents, he could no longer get insurance.  That ended his driving life.  This after YEARS of my mom trying to get him to stop driving and complaining to me how stubborn and dangerous he was being.  The car was old and about as ugly as they get but I LOVED that car.  It was the most comfortable car I have ever owned and the backseat was larger than the state of Rhode Island.  It had sat in my mom's garage for many years before we resurrected it when we had a dire need for a car.  We sold it a few years ago and I still see it around town!

Fast forward to now.  My mom has dementia and lives in assisted living.  She still drives and gets HYSTERICAL any time she even thinks we might talk about taking her car away.  When that day does come, it will likely be the end of my personal relationship with my mom (I am her sole support).  The staff at her facility as well as relatives on the ground report she is still a "safe" driver but I think the time is very soon.  Whatever the case, I have to laugh at the irony after all of her efforts to get her father to stop driving that she sees no parallels here.  Disabling the car is not going to work.  She is VERY good at calling tow trucks.....often for no reason.  Once she called a tow because her key fob was out of batteries and it didn't occur to her to use the actual key in the lock. 

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

there are agencies that can help with finding assisted living situations for seniors that will be fit them.  I wouldn't rely on him to do it.

My mom kept wanting to just live with me - we absolutely didn't have a good situation for that.  But I was able to get her into assisted living and they had a shuttle that would take the residents places.

 

Oh, no, we are doing it together.

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, skimomma said:

I feel for you on both counts.

My family drove a 1994 Mercury Sable for a few years....a lot more recently than I'd like to admit.  It was my grandfather's.  He was 90+ and lived with my mom.  He had been in so many (minor) accidents, he could no longer get insurance.  That ended his driving life.  This after YEARS of my mom trying to get him to stop driving and complaining to me how stubborn and dangerous he was being.  The car was old and about as ugly as they get but I LOVED that car.  It was the most comfortable car I have ever owned and the backseat was larger than the state of Rhode Island.  It had sat in my mom's garage for many years before we resurrected it when we had a dire need for a car.  We sold it a few years ago and I still see it around town!

Fast forward to now.  My mom has dementia and lives in assisted living.  She still drives and gets HYSTERICAL any time she even thinks we might talk about taking her car away.  When that day does come, it will likely be the end of my personal relationship with my mom (I am her sole support).  The staff at her facility as well as relatives on the ground report she is still a "safe" driver but I think the time is very soon.  Whatever the case, I have to laugh at the irony after all of her efforts to get her father to stop driving that she sees no parallels here.  Disabling the car is not going to work.  She is VERY good at calling tow trucks.....often for no reason.  Once she called a tow because her key fob was out of batteries and it didn't occur to her to use the actual key in the lock. 

 

Yeah, that wouldn't work with my dad either.  Take the keys?  He would think he lost them and get a locksmith out.  Take the battery?  He would think it was stolen and get someone out to replace it.  

But I think living in a home or with me would let him relax more about driving.