Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 @Slache had a post that reminded me of the nonsense I went through this weekend. My son got married in September. He is not close to his paternal grandmother. For whatever reason my xh chose to not tell his 90 year old mom that our son got married. I literally have no idea why and I don’t care. Probably because she would demand to see pics and then be all judge. That is her pattern. So recently I have been feeling nostalgic and bad for XMIL...she is old, alone, has no friends...there is a pandemic going on, so I sent her a card. Hi, how are you, hope you are being safe. We are fine, got a new dog. Basically that is it., She calls me. Three sentences in, she asks me how my son is. I said, he is fine. She says, How do you like the girl he is living with? Now, I know she is manipulative and crazy town, and it didn’t make sense her saying that....but I really felt there was no way for me to answer that question except to say he is married not ‘living with’ his girlfriend. She was outraged...’what! Did <her son> go to the wedding? Why didn't he tell me? ‘. I said I have no idea. Got off the phone quickly. Called xh immediately to warn him...while we were talking she was calling.....he was angry at me.....I don’t care.....he brought this crap on himself......I warned my son she might call him, and called it a night. So times it is crystal clear how good it is to be out of certain families. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Do you know how to grey rock? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 NOT YOUR MONKEY!!! We could have talked you down had we known your plans! 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, KungFuPanda said: NOT YOUR MONKEY!!! We could have talked you down had we known your plans! What plan? To send a card to a 90 year old woman? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Slache said: Do you know how to grey rock? Yes.....I do. I became quite expert at it. I just don’t care enough to play games any more. My xh said, ‘she jut bluffed you and you suck at poker. ‘. I said, ‘ not playing games. No way to answer that question.’ Edited June 15, 2020 by Scarlett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) Toxic people with no companionship only have themselves to blame. I love my mom. I still cry for her. I will not subject my children to her abuse. 4 minutes ago, Scarlett said: What plan? To send a card to a 90 year old woman? Yes. I would not have done that or I would have had an escape plan for the phone call. Edited June 15, 2020 by Slache 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Seasider too said: Scarlet I have to ask... despite being a nice gesture, didn’t it occur to you that sending her a card would be a little bit like kicking a snake? Hmmm.... i really did not think that. I guess being out of that mess for 11 years I have forgotten. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Yes.....I do. I became quite expert at it. I just don’t care e laugh to play games any more. My xh said, ‘she jut bluffed you and you suck at poker. ‘. I said, ‘ not playing games. No way to answer that question.’ He's just mad because he's been playing with a marked deck and the house just caught on. The security team you describe for this establishment sounds unforgiving. Shucks for him. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 I reckon you owe Ex and Son an apology now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said: I reckon you owe Ex and Son an apology now. Yes. At least the son. It sounds like putting the x in hot water was done on purpose. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) Scarlett, I know you must be a better person than I, because if I ever got a divorce from DH, I think the last thing, the literal last thing, I would ever do is contact his mom, lol. I would probably swim across the Atlantic before I opened my address book. ...this is how I know I need to work on my personality some more... (eta: I am afraid of swimming) Edited June 15, 2020 by Moonhawk 2 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Moonhawk said: ...this is how I know I need to work on my personality some more... No. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) 1 minute ago, Slache said: No. Thanks, But perhaps I should still learn how to swim, first... Edited June 15, 2020 by Moonhawk 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, Moonhawk said: Thanks, But perhaps I should learn how to swim, first... Yes. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, CuriousMomof3 said: Your personality sounds fine, except maybe the fear of swimming. Maybe work on that? Well, I'm trying the buoy approach. Another 27 packs of cookies ought to do the trick, yes? I'll let you know how it works out. For science! 1 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 16 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: I reckon you owe Ex and Son an apology now. Why? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 15 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said: Yes. At least the son. It sounds like putting the x in hot water was done on purpose. No, I absolutely did not intend to cause any one trouble. I am frankly shocked that that is your take on this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, Scarlett said: Why? For your boundary violations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 15 minutes ago, Moonhawk said: Scarlett, I know you must be a better person than I, because if I ever got a divorce from DH, I think the last thing, the literal last thing, I would ever do is contact his mom, lol. I would probably swim across the Atlantic before I opened my address book. ...this is how I know I need to work on my personality some more... (eta: I am afraid of swimming) I was her DIL for 26 years. I also just spent over a year tracking down her birth parents. Call me sappy but I feel sorry for her. She is basically a sad and pathetic and lonely woman. I don’t regret sending her a three sentence card. I was trying to be kind. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said: For your boundary violations. I have no idea what that means. I don’t consider it a boundary violation to send my XMIL a thinking of you card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 24 minutes ago, Scarlett said: What plan? To send a card to a 90 year old woman? Yes. Opening communications with a crazy manipulator that you were free of is always a bad idea especially when there’s potential for civilian casualties. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, KungFuPanda said: Yes. Opening communications with a crazy manipulator that you were free of is always a bad idea especially when there’s potential for civilian casualties. I didn’t exactly see any potential for casualties......my son could care less. And my xh...meh he is ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonhawk Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: I was her DIL for 26 years. I also just spent over a year tracking down her birth parents. Call me sappy but I feel sorry for her. She is basically a sad and pathetic and lonely woman. I don’t regret sending her a three sentence card. I was trying to be kind. I only have 14 under my belt. And, you see, I don't see my reaction getting "better" with more time, lol. As it is, I've gone no contact before year 15. If I keep this up, Year 26 will involve a lunar landing, or something. Or, maybe just Antarctica. Can people still judge you if you live in Antarctica? Asking for a friend... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Oh, I dunno that we should be so hard on Scarlett about this. She was trying to do a nice thing and it backfired. I've had that happen more than once, and I'm sure other people have had it happen, too. "No good deed goes unpunished" isn't a new saying. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 5 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I have no idea what that means. I don’t consider it a boundary violation to send my XMIL a thinking of you card. It wasn't your place to mention the wedding. 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Moonhawk said: I only have 14 under my belt. And, you see, I don't see my reaction getting "better" with more time, lol. As it is, I've gone no contact before year 15. If I keep this up, Year 26 will involve a lunar landing, or something. Or, maybe just Antarctica. Can people still judge you if you live in Antarctica? Asking for a friend... After the divorce I didnt speak a word to her for 8 years. I took my ds to visit her for the weekend...we stayed in a hotel. So it took a long time before I felt like I wanted to see her again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 8 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I have no idea what that means. I don’t consider it a boundary violation to send my XMIL a thinking of you card. There are a lot of things you don't consider boundary violations that others around you do, and we know this because you report on it here. The "nonsense you had to deal with" this weekend, was entirely of your own making. You chose to interfere in your ex's family and you chose to blab their private information and now you're pouting about the consequences! 2 minutes ago, MissLemon said: Oh, I dunno that we should be so hard on Scarlett about this. She was trying to do a nice thing and it backfired. I've had that happen more than once, and I'm sure other people have had it happen, too. "No good deed goes unpunished" isn't a new saying. It's a pattern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, Rosie_0801 said: It's a pattern. Well, I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Slache said: It wasn't your place to mention the wedding. Scratching my head here......I am his mother....why isn’t it ‘my place’? And actually I didn’t mention it.....except when she said as if fact that they were living together. A wedding is a matter of public record. Why would it ever need to be a secret? Especially when basically d9rectly asked? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 I think the card was nice. I would not have answered the phone. The only boundary crossing I see is the wedding. If my husband and I divorced I would totally stay involved in my FIL's life. 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: Scratching my head here......I am his mother....why isn’t it ‘my place’? And actually I didn’t mention it.....except when she said as if fact that they were living together. A wedding is a matter of public record. Why would it ever need to be a secret? Especially when basically d9rectly asked? You knew she didn't know, DS didn't want her to know, but you told anyway. You even felt the need to warn him because of what you did. That's a boundary. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said: There are a lot of things you don't consider boundary violations that others around you do, and we know this because you report on it here. The "nonsense you had to deal with" this weekend, was entirely of your own making. You chose to interfere in your ex's family and you chose to blab their private information and now you're pouting about the consequences! It's a pattern. A wedding is not private information. And I interfered in nothing. I said, ‘ hi, hope you are fine.’ And since I have spoken to her like twice in 11 years, no I don’t think this is some pattern. I feel like I am living in an alternate world with y’all tonight. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 I would not have answered the phone because I wouldn't have wanted to. No boundaries there in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, Slache said: I think the card was nice. I would not have answered the phone. The only boundary crossing I see is the wedding. If my husband and I divorced I would totally stay involved in my FIL's life. You knew she didn't know, DS didn't want her to know, but you told anyway. You even felt the need to warn him because of what you did. That's a boundary. No, I did not know what she knew. And no my son could care less what she knows or doesn’t know. But yes, I did want to warn my son in case she called him. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, Slache said: I would not have answered the phone because I wouldn't have wanted to. No boundaries there in my opinion. She wasn’t in my contacts....,I didn’t know it was her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 3 minutes ago, Scarlett said: A wedding is not private information. And I interfered in nothing. I said, ‘ hi, hope you are fine.’ And since I have spoken to her like twice in 11 years, no I don’t think this is some pattern. I feel like I am living in an alternate world with y’all tonight. You know I am fond of you, but you most certainly do have a pattern of boundary violations in your sons' lives. You tell us about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 3 minutes ago, Scarlett said: She wasn’t in my contacts....,I didn’t know it was her. I don't answer those! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, Rosie_0801 said: You know I am fond of you, but you most certainly do have a pattern of boundary violations in your sons' lives. You tell us about it. I have barely spoken to my son in a year. But regardless I don’t consider anything I did or said with xMIL to be a boundary violation. You are free to disagree. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, Slache said: I don't answer those! Yeah, I always answer my phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, Scarlett said: Yeah, I always answer my phone. You need more toxic people in your life. Would you like to borrow some of mine? 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: I have barely spoken to my son in a year. But regardless I don’t consider anything I did or said with xMIL to be a boundary violation. You are free to disagree. That is regrettable, but understandable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Scarlett said: Scratching my head here......I am his mother....why isn’t it ‘my place’? And actually I didn’t mention it.....except when she said as if fact that they were living together. A wedding is a matter of public record. Why would it ever need to be a secret? Especially when basically d9rectly asked? It sounds like this woman's son and grandson went out of their way to keep the marriage a secret. I'm inclined to agree with others that it's wasn't your place to let the cat out of the bag. You didnt have to give any proper response at all even once things had gotten to the point of her asking you questions you had good reason to think others closer to both the questioner and the subject matter being asked about didn't want shared with this person. It was a good pass the bean dip moment. "Son is an adult living his own life; I really hope you have a nice evening, I need to go now." Were you worried she would judge you if you just let her believe he was living with someone unmarried? I recognize you weren't trying to cause anyone trouble but you were mucking with relationships you didn't rightly belong in the middle of. Edited June 15, 2020 by maize 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 She didn’t actually get the card. I told xh I sent it and when she never mentioned it he asked her about it. She asked me what it said and I told her....,.so I guess xh wanted her to know I sent her a card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, maize said: It sounds like this woman's son and grandson went out of their way to keep the marriage a secret. I'm inclined to agree with others that it's wasn't your place to let the cat or of the bag. You didnt have to give any proper response at all even once things had gotten to the point of her asking you questions you had good reason to think others closer to both the questioner and the subject matter being asked about didn't want shared with this person. It was a good pass the bean dip no moment. "Son is an adult living his own life; I really hope you have a nice evening, I need to go now." Were you worried she would judge you if you just let her believe he was living with someone unmarried? I recognize you weren't trying to cause anyone trouble but you were mucking with relationships you didn't rightly belong in the middle of. No my son did not go to any trouble to keep anything from her. I wasnt mucking with anything. How would you have answered, ‘do you like that girl he is living with?’ That is sort of like ‘ do you still beat you wife?’ I guess sight is 20/20 and all that...... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 To be fair I put my foot in my mouth all the time and say things that in retrospect I realize would have been better left unsaid, so if it was that kind of situation and it just slipped out because the question caught you by surprise I do understand. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: No my son did not go to any trouble to keep anything from her. I wasnt mucking with anything. How would you have answered, ‘do you like that girl he is living with?’ That is sort of like ‘ do you still beat you wife?’ I guess sight is 20/20 and all that...... He didn't tell his grandmother he was getting married. Nor did he inform her of the marriage after the fact. That counts as intentionally keeping it from her. Cause if he had wanted her to know he would have told her. Edited June 15, 2020 by maize 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: No my son did not go to any trouble to keep anything from her. I wasnt mucking with anything. How would you have answered, ‘do you like that girl he is living with?’ That is sort of like ‘ do you still beat you wife?’ I guess sight is 20/20 and all that...... This is why I asked about grey rock. I would have said she's fine. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, maize said: To be fair I put my foot in my mouth all the time and say things that in retrospect I realize would have been better left unsaid, so if it was that kind of situation and it just slipped out because the question caught you by surprise I do understand. Well exactly....it was shocking to me she was saying my son was living with a girl......I don’t think I have it in me to have thought, ‘oh this is a game I need to play, just blow her off and carry on. ‘. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, maize said: He didn't tell his grandmother he was getting married. Nor did he inform her of the marriage after the fact. That counts as intentionally keeping it from her. Cause if he had wanted her to know he would have told her. He didn’t tell the mailman he was getting married either. He has much less of a relationship with her than I do. He didNot keep it from her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 1 minute ago, Scarlett said: Well exactly....it was shocking to me she was saying my son was living with a girl......I don’t think I have it in me to have thought, ‘oh this is a game I need to play, just blow her off and carry on. ‘. So, in retrospect, do you recognize that you shouldn't have played her game? Recognizing you fell into a trap is a step towards planning how to avoid falling into similar traps in the future. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 Just now, maize said: So, in retrospect, do you recognize that you shouldn't have played her game? Recognizing you fell into a trap is a step towards planning how to avoid falling into similar traps in the future. I have no need to play a game period. I live my life very straightforward. I actually lived for 26 years playing grey rock or at least learning how to.....I didn’t volunteer any number of things that I knew she would torture my xh with....that DIL is not ‘White’ for starters.....so I certainly was not intentionally trying to cause any trouble....but I draw the line at a question that has no good answer without giving her info. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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