Transition to public school...commence freak-out

[sangtarah]

Dd10, who has a SLD in math and anxiety/depression, and maybe more, is adamant about attending public school. We are letting her, I think. She hasn’t worked willingly for me in a year.  But school starts in a week and a half and I’m freaking out about all that has to happen beforehand. Not the least of which is an updated IEP meeting (we had the initial one in May). 

So, talk me through it, please. Reassurance would be greatly appreciated. All I can foresee is her getting crushed and lost. But there must be a bright side, right? 

We are pursuing a nuero-psych eval, but haven’t been able to get on a schedule for it yet. I don’t know the extent of the issues. It could be there isn’t anything more, but I strongly suspect ADD or auditory processing. She also has weak hand writing skills (went to OT last fall) and can’t compose a paragraph yet. 

Is it possible to convince the school to put her in 4th grade? I was calling her fifth by her age (summer b-day), but she wants to be in 4th (she is nervous about the workload). 

[Lecka]

My kids are in public school.  There’s reason to be optimistic, especially if the school has a nice atmosphere and your daughter likes her teacher.

The IEP process is important, but you can also do a lot just by communicating with her teacher.

Teacher communication is very important and can really go a long way.  

I think it’s very important, if your daughter says things, to communicate with the teacher.  The teacher may not be aware or may have a different take.  Especially with anxiety the teacher may just see a quiet kid while at home you know she is anxious.  But with communication then the teacher is also aware.

BUT keep any IEP documentation or process stuff formal.  Having communication with the teacher does NOT mean that the teacher is doing a thing as far as an IEP.  Do the IEP process.  

The IEP stuff is not hard — it just seems formal.  For IEP stuff do it in writing and make sure it goes where it needs to go.  That is probably not the teacher.  

Your daughter wants to attend and I think that will go a long way.  There are a lot of opportunities for growth for her, and with anxiety it can be SO much easier to have a steady schedule with the same kids, compared to “I see these kids once a week at these activities, I see these other kids twice a week at these activities.”  That’s not a guarantee but it is a possibility for sure.  

[sangtarah]

In May I requested that the school test her for SLDs. They found one and we set up an IEP, but it only pertained to tutoring her in math. If she goes to school, it will need to have more accommodations for her slow processing and I imagine for the new anxiety diagnosis. I’m new at all this, so I really don’t know, but they did mention those things in our meeting. 

[Lecka]

For math also, be aware that there may be extra help or pull-out that does not go through the IEP process.  These can be good programs and these can be where kids are who need extra help and support, but aren’t actually very behind.    If this is the case — I’m not sure how that communication process works but it won’t be with an IEP.

Or — she could have an IEP addressing some areas and then math may be “extra help/pull-out” but not exactly be “through” the IEP.

It’s hard to explain but for academics there can be a vast level of extra help that is not considered to be part of the “Special Education” program, and just by numbers way more kids are receiving that level of academic intervention at schools my kids have attended.

This wording changes between locations, because my older son has had an IEP and been in and out of a pull-out resource room in 4th-6th grades, but it was not considered Special Education there.  My younger son has always been in a Special Education program.  

So anyway — some things will depend on your location, with wording, but things should still be following federal IEP procedures.  

[Lecka]

I also have no idea where you are on the private/medical side, but for a 4th or 5th grader she is old enough for you to be seeking private or medical help.  Just my opinion but I think she is old enough to be going down the road of getting a diagnosis, seeing a counselor, considering medication options, etc.  If that is all in place, that is great.  If not — it is probably appropriate.  

If you are having health insurance issues or trouble finding a provider — I would share with the school that you are doing your best and it’s just taking time.  I think it comes across better and I have had times I come across like I’m not ready to take certain mental steps when in fact I’m 6 months into a waiting list for the exact issue, but people at school are hesitant to bring it up in case I am offended.  Sigh.  And then sometimes they may be aware of another option at the school.  

I don’t know at all if this would apply to you, but it has been common where I have lived.  Some places have much better availability and coverage than other places (and some of this is due to state laws or policies).  

Also stay strong!  I think it’s best when parents can be talked to (won’t be dismissive etc), but when kids aren’t worried about making their parents too upset.  I think it is a hard balance!  But possible to try for it 😉

[Lecka]

I think when you already sound very sympathetic and concerned, the middle ground may be — to make an effort to not be TOO concerned when you are talking to your daughter or encouraging her or listening to her tell you a problem.  

It’s hard to do though and I think it’s very possible for you to have private concerns you share here, but still be encouraging for your daughter and give her an impression of “I think everything will work out.”  

It’s important for me to try for this balance with anxiety.  

I have had personal advice (from a school counselor) and I read a book I think had parenting advice (not sure now), I will see if I can see it on Amazon.  

 

[Lecka]

https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Up-Brave-Strategies-Overcome/dp/0316125601/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=brave+anxiety&qid=1564574114&s=gateway&sr=8-2

It’s been a few years but I did read this book about parenting strategies for anxiety.  

 

[Lecka]

It’s good that the school mentioned those things in the meeting 🙂. 

If I read that correctly, that the school mentioned those things.  

It’s a good sign, they are tracking it.  

Its not that you can sit back, but a lot of times they are on top of appropriate school accommodations at a school.  It’s okay to be hopeful and optimistic that the will be, but also prepared to do your own reading and definitely to be your daughter’s advocate.  

You can google things like “IEP accommodations for slow processing speed.”  

[Lecka]

For the grade placement — I would listen to what the school says.  They know if many girls are old for their grade or not (it’s much more common for boys where I have lived).  They know if their 5th grade is a lot more demanding than their 4th grade.  

Is her grade ahead of the grade she would be in by school cut-off dates?  

If she’s already signed up for school then you need to act fast on the grade thing I think — like whatever day the office opens.  

But to be honest I am doubtful it’s a good idea unless the school recommends it or definitely agrees or thinks it’s fine, and she is definitely immature for her age.

Being afraid of a grade from a child who has no way to know?  I don’t know that she could be realistic about that?  Do you know what I mean?  There are kids at a variety of levels in every grade, you can definitely tell her that, and it is true 🙂. 

[PeterPan]

My ds has an IEP through our ps and has since he was 6. He functions 2-3 years behind developmentally because of his ASD and still does not have a grade adjustment. 

It sounds good that they're having a meeting to update the IEP. At this point, they may want to work with her for 6 weeks before deciding too much. I would definitely talk with them about the grade placement and get that hashed out now. They should be responding in 24 hours, so get that done.

I think I would be as anxious as you are, and I don't think it's a sign that something is wrong or going to go wrong. It will probably take a while to get a good IEP and I would not expect the intervention to be thorough or what you would do if you were doing it. What you could do is use this time to learn about what the intervention SHOULD be. You probably needed a rest from the conflict, and you don't have answers right now that would change the dynamic anyway.

I don't think the neuropsych eval would change a lot. Their language testing will be brief and unenlightening. Another SLD here or there won't be a shock and you probably already know. What WOULD get you some good help is to get an SLP eval from someone who specializes in literacy. They might have some narrative language testing to hone in on what is causing the writing problems. You could get into an SLP in a matter of weeks and get actionable information.

[Lecka]

Oh, I would be a nervous wreck!  

But hopefully, it will be a good situation for your daughter.  

[Pen]

Breathe.

 

I suggest taking her to the IEP meeting. Let her talk over the grade placement and her feelings about it and here directly what they have to say.

 

There’s usually not a whole lot happening in first few days of school in elementary school stage. So maybe they could let her experience both classes briefly before making a decision. 

Can she meet the 4th and 5th grade teachers and get a sense of workload?  Would repeat of 4th grade work be good while adjusting to being in school be best? Or would she be bored? 

(Btw A lot of 5th graders can’t compose a paragraph.) 

 

Is she turning 11 later this summer? Or turned 10 earlier this summer? 

I think if she’d prefer 4th grade, it could be good to start there and move up if it seems way too easy.  It would probably be less emotionally upsetting to need to move up a grade than back a grade while getting adjusted.  

 

And do try to figure out where she’s likely to fit in best socially.  

 

Because a lot of anxiety feelings may diminish if she’s socially happy.

[Storygirl]

A lot of good advice already!

The first year that we enrolled in brick and mortar school, after always homeschooling previously, two of my kids were in fourth grade, and one was in fifth grade (my oldest was in 8th but kept homeschooling that year).

It was an adjustment, and it was not always smooth going, but it was a good decision for my kids and our family. Two of them had LDs diagnosed privately, and I spend a good part of that year navigating the IEP process. The fact that she has an IEP in place already is a positive step, even though it needs to be updated.

My kids were also not willing to do schoolwork with me when we were homeschooling. That was so disheartening for me. After the first day of school, DS14 got in the car and announced, "Best day ever!" For me, that moment was excruciatingly sad but also a moment of thankfulness, relief, and hopefulness. Despite bumps in the road (lots of them, over the years), being in school has been overwhelmingly positive for them.

The fact that your daughter wants to do this is a very good sign for her having a good attitude about it. However, I would still expect that working with her on homework may be a struggle, so don't be surprised by that, if it happens. Especially because homework comes at a time when she will be tired.

As far as a grade adjustment, I think you can bring it up with the school, but that would have to happen soon. My three younger kids are all old for their grade and always had been (we officially started with K at age 6, though I had been homeschooling them for a couple of years already by then). There are pros and cons to each choice, and there may not be a clear, right answer. Since the school has academic testing for her from the spring, they will probably have an opinion that they will want to stick with.

[Runningmom80]

I think the fact that she really wants to go is a huge plus! It's also good the the IEP is already in process! There's a good chance she's going to love school and really thrive. 

 

I love the idea of her trying both grades, I'm not sure how open they will be but it's worth a shot! 

My dyslexic/dysgraphic DD is going back to PS after me having sworn that we were done with it at the end of last year. It's all her, she's very much in favor of going back so I am letting her. I'm definitely nervous just like you. The thing I keep telling myself is that we can always make a change. I'm not signing her away forever. It's just a thing we are going to keep trying and her father and I are going to be keeping a very close eye on the situation. 

[PeterPan]

15 minutes ago, Runningmom80 said:

My dyslexic/dysgraphic DD is going back to PS after me having sworn that we were done with it at the end of last year.

That means you've done really great things with your intervention this summer to make her feel confident in going back!! 

I would make it contingent on continued intervention and an IEP. The IEP will protect her butt for college admissions testing too. What grade is she going into?

Edited August 2, 2019 by PeterPan

[Runningmom80]

3 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

That means you've done really great things with your intervention this summer to make her feel confident in going back!! 

I would make it contingent on continued intervention and an IEP. The IEP will protect her butt for college admissions testing too. What grade is she going into?

 

I've been meaning to start a post, but I'm still trying to get my head around it all. Summer makes me lazy, or something. She's going into 4th. 

[PeterPan]

3 minutes ago, Runningmom80 said:

 

I've been meaning to start a post, but I'm still trying to get my head around it all. Summer makes me lazy, or something. She's going into 4th. 

Why does she want to go back for 4th??? Is she a party animal?!?!

I'd make sure what's behind this. If it's that your intervention is hard, tell her to suck a cow and keep going. I could understand going back for high school or 8th to be set up for high school, but not for 4th, not if there's serious intervention to be done.

[Runningmom80]

13 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Why does she want to go back for 4th??? Is she a party animal?!?!

I'd make sure what's behind this. If it's that your intervention is hard, tell her to suck a cow and keep going. I could understand going back for high school or 8th to be set up for high school, but not for 4th, not if there's serious intervention to be done.

 

Yes and she has a gang of party animal friends! 

[sangtarah]

Thanks everyone! 

School starts on Tuesday, and I just got a call from dd's new case manager today and they do not want to have an IEP meeting before then. She would like me to come in on back to school night and sign a few addendums to her current IEP just to get us started in the year. Is that an okay move? The principal was very clear to say we could call an IEP meeting at any time. Currently her IEP is written as a homeschooler coming in 3 times a week just for math. I was hoping to add more accommodations for her processing speed and anxiety. Is that reasonable? I think there will be a steep learning curve for me this year. 😕

[Pen]

I’d at least call and make sure they are aware of her anxiety and will do what they can to help alleviate that even if a new IEP isn’t yet in place.

 I might also suggest you talk with your daughter and ask how she’ll handle things if she feels anxious.  The more she seems to have a work able plan probably the less you need a new IEP right away

 

[sangtarah]

I think what kinda bothers me is that the special ed teacher/case manager from last year was clear to want to add accommodations for processing, etc. They have new spec ed teacher/case manager this year, so I will have to see what they are putting in the addendum. 

[PeterPan]

It sounds like they're doing a little bit using the information they have and will do more when they've had her in a classroom. Sometimes you just have to roll with what they're offering. 

[Pen]

My Ds hasn’t had IEP in recent years but principal etc were aware of anxiety. That seemed to work fine so far.  The SPED people are either retired or moving to another school this next year and so is the former principal, so I’ll probably drop by early in year to make sure current principal is aware of the anxiety issue and also that ds gets hypoglycemic so may need to be able to eat out of regular eating time without getting in trouble.

Actually and sharing this just in case it could relate to your dd too, Ds’ symptoms of hypoglycemia and anxiety are very similar.

It was working okay as just awareness on part of staff for past few years without having to do anything formal. 

Edited August 9, 2019 by Pen

[Lecka]

I think that sounds fine.  

Keep in touch with the teacher.  You can send the teacher e-mails any time!  

I think it's very fair to expect your daughter to be very tired after school at first.  

You can talk to her, too, and that is really important.  You can see what she says, you can see her mood in the evening, you can see her mood in the  morning.

It's a really fine line sometimes, between kids venting and wanting a listening ear, and it being time to step in more.

I hope she has a smooth start to the year, and a great teacher!  Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kbutton]

15 hours ago, sangtarah said:

I think what kinda bothers me is that the special ed teacher/case manager from last year was clear to want to add accommodations for processing, etc. They have new spec ed teacher/case manager this year, so I will have to see what they are putting in the addendum. 

I think it's okay to roll with it and see if it works out.

Ask if they will be able to send you the addendum before back to school night so that you have time to digest it and not feel rushed--it's a very reasonable ask. Then, if the stuff from last year that was recommended is not in there, you have time to print out your records before that meeting, show them, and ask to have those accommodations included. If the person from last year was not specific about which accommodations were ideal, then you might have to just watch and wait. 

It sounds like they are trying to make back to school easier for them but also supportively reminding you that you have recourse later on if needed by calling another IEP meeting. 

[Storygirl]

This is not quite the same, because DS15 was changing from one school to another. But last year, our new school made some changes to his IEP to align things up with the way that they did things, because there were some differences. Then they moved up his annual IEP review from February to October, at which time all of the goals, etc., were revised.

It's always a balancing act, because we want everything to be set up from day one. However, a strong IEP includes input from the teachers who know and work with the student, and that takes some time.

I think in your case, I would send the special ed person a list of the accommodations that you believe that she needs immediately. They may not agree to all of them upfront, but ask.

Has it been three years or less since the school ran evaluations? If so, the testing results can be considered current (for IEP purposes), and you can use those results and any recommendations that they made at that time to back up what you ask for now.

Secondly, ask for an IEP meeting to be set for a month into the school year. That gives them a few weeks to work with her, but still will get things set up at the beginning of the year.

Thirdly, ask for the school to arrange for you to have a group parent-teacher conference at the beginning of the school year. Set it for the week after school starts, so that they have had a chance to meet her. At the meeting, you can explain anything you want or need to, to all of the teachers at once. We have done this every year with DS15's teachers, and both of the schools he has attended have been happy to do it.

If you have input into the addendum (and that is your right!), and if you have the chance to talk to all of the teachers at the beginning of the year, then it may feel more comfortable to you to wait a bit for the IEP meeting.

But definitely, the IEP meeting should happen soon. I mean, if they want to wait for months before they do it, you can make it clear that it needs to be sooner. Ask them to go ahead and set a date now.

[Lecka]

Does she have more than one teacher?  If she does I think it’s more important. 

When there’s just one teacher it’s much easier to stay in touch with one teacher and have that teacher be pretty clued in and aware of things.  

Some schools have kids in 4th grade with one teacher, and some have them moving for some classes (but usually together as a class).

Ime there is no communication about anything happening at lunch or recess back to the classroom teacher if they do not have duty then — and they may not.  

[Storygirl]

About the grade level -- talk to the school and see what they are willing to do.

In our old school, the fourth grade teacher gave a lot -- A LOT -- more homework than the fifth grade teacher and was less flexible about making accommodations before my kids had IEPs in place. So I would not assume that fifth grade automatically means more work than fourth grade.

If you think that fourth grade is a better math placement for her, that would be an important consideration. At that grade level, schools are not usually differentiating by ability in math and are teaching to all of them as a group, no matter what level the student is at. But your school may be different. Ask a lot of questions about the math and ask to see the textbook. You may be able to see how it compares to what she learned at home during the last school year.