umsami Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 An amazing women and Mom I know was diagnosed with a terminal disease, and the chances of her surviving more than a year are extremely unlikely. She has two daughters and a not great relationship with her ex. Any advice on preparing children for the loss of their Mom both now, and things to help cope with it after? The girls do have therapists that they were seeing to cope with the divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Will they be living with the Ex after? Another family member? I would suggest that the girls start to have a relationship with the people that they will be living with in order to make the transition easier. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 This is a useful book: https://www.amazon.com/Simple-Guide-Child-Trauma-Guides-ebook/dp/B01KU6KJRC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1537302715&sr=8-1&keywords=a+child's+guide+to+trauma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 This is from my own experience so may not be universal. dont try to be a substitute mum. I didn’t want to be pitied and I strongly resented anyone who tried to fill the mum place in my life (other than my older sisters who were going through the same stuff). I felt like no one could ever take her place. Offer love but be tactful. make opportunities where they can be with friends doing normal kid stuff soon afterward. It was really helpful and important to me to be able to have a bit of space which wasn’t heavy and filled with the grief of home life. Not that the grief goes away but tweens/teens are still part kid and need to be with other kids. look out for grief that’s still hanging around later. School results took a dive for me about a full year and a half later and no one realised it was because I was too scared to sleep because of recurring nightmares. Don’t assume because they seem to be doing ok in the short term that stuff won’t creep up on them at a later time. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Look for grief support groups/camps for kids. One if the best things I did with one foster boy was take him to a day long camp for kids/teens that had lost a parent. It was so helpful for him to know that he was not alone in this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 When my close friend passed, and left a 14 yr old, we focused on doing his normal things as much as possible - hockey, getting together with friends, etc. Therapy, both for him alone and for us together as a family unit. The ex was around but I had custody - long story. They did not get along. If your friend’s DDs will be living with the ex after, I’d encourage therapy for the girls both with ex and without, if you can (that may be beyond your control). Sometimes I felt like, as mom’s friend, I should just stay consistent. I was a consistent part of his life before she died, and tried to stay consistent after. We did some grieving together, but maybe because he was young (so was I, but obviously he was younger) or maybe being a boy he grieved differently... we often didn’t talk about what we’d been through. We did talk about his mom a lot, things she said and did and liked, but not her final year. For reference, she died within 8 mos of diagnosis, so that might be similar. The one regret I carry is that none of us wanted to talk about her passing ahead of time. I wish we had talked more, that she and I and he had really talked about what was happening. But it was too painful, and too hard to give up hope (she was on a transplant list, and there was hope till the end). So I would encourage you all to talk, ahead of time, despite the pain. Oh. This was 20 years ago, and it feels raw today. That’s all I’ve got for now. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 there is a book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman that might help you understand how the girls might be feeling. Depending on their ages and how they lose their mom, their responses may vary. The book addresses loss at different ages and circumstances. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted September 19, 2018 Author Share Posted September 19, 2018 3 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said: Will they be living with the Ex after? Another family member? I would suggest that the girls start to have a relationship with the people that they will be living with in order to make the transition easier. Thanks everybody. Some great advice. ❤️ They will be living with their Dad (the Ex) after. Mom/Dad live within a few miles of each other, and the girls regularly went between both houses. Relationship of girls with their Dad is good, thankfully. He's been totally shaken by her diagnosis (understandably) as he is 10-15 years older than she. It totally sucks. She's only 45. So completely vibrant and a kind soul. I hate this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 2 minutes ago, umsami said: It totally sucks. She's only 45. So completely vibrant and a kind soul. I hate this. It does suck. I’m so very sorry. I hope that you have time with her, just to hang out and be together, and to enjoy each other’s company. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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