Help me understand about not being a tattletale. (some CC)

[home4school]

I have always been a bit fuzzing on teaching children not to be a "tattletale". Some little nit picky things, I can see. Children get mad at another and are really just trying to find something to get the other in trouble, but in theory....

 

What about actually telling on someone for something they have done. If one of my boys knows the other has done something, but I didn't catch them, I think they should tell me. Am I wrong? If they hid the wrongdoing from me, is that not being a party to the misdeed? Or should they keep the guilty ones secret so as not to be a tattletale? It kind of seems like we are teaching them when they are grown and know people are breaking the law, they should keep it to themselves. If you knew someone was doing something illegal, would you not turn them in so you wouldn't be a tattletale?

 

I printed out Rules for Our Home from somewhere and one of them is Not Be a Tattletale and it references the verse to not be a talebearer among people. That to me is talking about "tales", things that aren't true. Doesn't it?

 

Just pondering...

Thanks!

Kim

[Tabrett]

In my definition, a tattletale is one who tells on people because they enjoy seeing them get into trouble. They stand back and smile while watching the other child be disciplined. I don't want my dc to be that way. If the dc who did the telling sets back and smile, I think I would have to give them a talking too also.

 

I do want my dc to tell me if a sibling does something wrong, like going up and hitting there little brother on purpose or getting out art supplies that could make a big mess if I'm not supervising. I want their telling to be more of a desire to protect, not see another be punished. I also want them to tell me if their sibling physically hurt them. I don't want my dc to think that it is ok to hurt each other if mom doesn't see.

 

Can you give the scripture reference that 21 Rules quoted? I'd like to look it up, but I think you are correct in assuming it being about telling lies on another person or maybe gossiping.

[home4school]

That's it, just like with anything else, it the heart with which we do things that really matter! If the tattletale is just doing it to "get even" and finds satisfaction in the offenders trouble, then he's done no better that what the offender did.

 

I haven't even taken the time to look it up, but its Leviticus 19:16. I guess I need to go actually read my Bible on that!

 

Thanks Tabrett! Sometimes I get so caught up in the daily grind, I forget the Big Picture!

 

Blessings,

Kim

[Bambam]

I have a child that is a tattler. She gets asked the following questions when she brings her "So-and-so did ...." comments. First, I stop her. I ask her "Did someone get hurt?". If no, the next question is "Did something get broken?". If the answer to this question is no, then "Is someone or something likely to get hurt?". If no again, I tell her I do not want to hear it. It is not her job to report non-injury or potential non-injury infractions. She can warn the offender of other misdeeds but I do not want her to be the "police".

 

I have stopped neighbor kids in their tracks trying to figure how to still tattle on their target after these rules. I'm still working with my own dd though, and expect to be working with her on these for a long time. She is a very dedicated rule follower (the type that will never be able to take any OTC medicines, because it says "Do not use if seal is broken" and she had to break the seal to open the bottle.) She expects everyone to follow the rules exactly as written as well. She just doesn't understand why everyone doesn't follow the rules. It causes her grief.

[Ria]

I knew a family of 5 kids; tattling was encouraged among the children. They were taught right from wrong, and there were no gray areas. If someone did something wrong, one or more tattlers would run to the mom.

 

While this might have worked for them at home (frankly, it sounds like hell on earth to me), it was a disaster at the co-op they joined. You see, they only knew one way to behave, and that was to tattle to the nearest adult. Within two days of joining the co-op, they were detested by the other kids and held in somewhat unfavorable esteem by the teaching adults. Frankly, they were a pain in the neck to be around.

 

After two years the family left the co-op. Their kids never made any friends while there. I still hear about them (there are 9 kids now) and from all reports they still have no friends and have dropped out of numerous homeschool groups.

 

Sad. Tattling is not a badge of honor.

 

Ria

[Bev in B'ville]

Are you seriously asking people on this board about tattling?:lol::lol::lol:

 

(Read SWB's blog lately?)

[bettyandbob]

In my house you tell a parent

if someone's really hurt (if the person hurt is just a little hurt, then he can tell me himself),

if there is blood

if something important or expensive is broken

if criminal activity is involved (we have a problem neighbor child)

If there is danger (this covers hurt, blood, criminal activity)

 

Otherwise it is tattling. If you tattle you get the punishment along with the perpetrator. It's not keeping a secret from me if you don't tell me your brother isn't cleaning his room like I asked. I don't think it's keeping a secret if you don't tell me about your brother engaged in a nondangerous unapproved activity. I usually find out. Like my brother discovered that his dd was eating all the ice cream bars--he found the wrappers hidden. When I find the evidence I will deal with the perpetrator. 90% of the time I do find out. And honestly, it doesn't bother me knowing that sometimes I go to the grocery store and dd will try to sneak watching disney channel (or something else) instead of doing an assignment, because there are natural consequences with these choices--she has to finish all unfinished work with me in the evening or on a weekend when she might miss playing with a friend. So, even if I don't find out about something my dc did, they may still have consequences from the behavior.

 

If my dc start telling on each other for nonapproved activity, they start policing eachother. Policing eachother does not promote love and loyalty. Policing behavior is the parent's job. Don't point at your brother and say he's eating with his hands, I'll see it when I'm passing the potatoes and I'll deal with it then.

[Jugglin'5]

One thing you have to consider about tattling is what will it do to the future relationships of the siblings, and to the character of the tattler. It can be much more damaging than you might think. We have an anti-tattling policy in our house, with exceptions for lots of blood or real danger.:tongue_smilie:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Kim,

 

You are so smart! Really.

 

What plays out in most people's homes is that little things and false things are reported. I honestly do not believe that the motive is usually to get another person in trouble. I think adults have come up with that probably because of the pettiness of what is usually tattled about. But I think if adults got that out of their heads, they'd better be able to deal with it. I do think tattling (petty stuff, untruths, etc) is something that should be trained out of children.

 

But it is important that you, as the parent, learn of other things. And actually, the congregation, according to the Bible, has a set protocol in order to help someone else in serious matters. It is WRONG to "mind your own business" in these matters, but one's motive wouldn't be to get the person in trouble, right? It's to help the person and the congregation.

 

So could you have a similar protocol in the home? In order to keep people safe, honest, healthy, etc as well as to preserve the family unit's security and peace, could there be a way to tell if the sibling wouldn't tell?

 

There has to be a balance. Balance is one of those words that just goes really well with life in general, the congregation, the home. If people can learn balance rather than being too far one way or another (except in areas God has made clear in which way it should be only God's way), they'll do well. So you want your kids to develop a friendship, confidentiality, loyalty, etc. You don't want them tattling for whatever reason. But it is best for all involved for them to get the truth heard one way or another in some situations.

 

In my home, my kids are fiercely loyal to one another. However, part of loyalty to a friend/family member is doing what is best for them and the larger unit (family/congregation).

 

One thing I think does help in our home is that we rarely use any punishment. There ARE consequences of course, but they make sense under the circumstances. And they are allowed (natural) or given (logical) after a fair hearing. The kids know they will be heard out and we can work for a solution together. Consequences aren't the primary discipline. The "work with" them model seems to encourage honesty.

 

I'm hoping I'm making some sense. Basically, I think it's a matter of balancing.

Edited November 14, 2008 by 2J5M9K

[Kathy in MD]

A Montessori teacher gave me a different insight into tattling. She said that the grammar stage child is trying to learn right from wrong and how to handle social situations. So when a child came to her complaining that so-and-so called me a name is playing too rough or ?????, the child was asked "Did you tell him you didn't like it and please stop?" If not, the tattler was sent back to deal with the situaton on his own. Only if the "offender" refused to stop the offensive behavior, did the teacher become involved.

 

Of course, the teacher became immediately involved if the situation called for it.

[JudoMom]

"Are you telling me to get your brother in to trouble or out of trouble?" This is what I often ask my boys when they start to tell me something.

 

"Have you asked them to stop?" or "Have you told them that they're bothering you?" are the others.

 

I can usually tell which line of questioning to go with by what they're doing or the amount of noise that is coming from wherever they are or which boys are involved.

[Remudamom]

Cha. My triplets are so tight I'd fall over dead if I knew half the things they could tattle about.

[Jill- OK]

...the grammar stage child is trying to learn right from wrong and how to handle social situations. So when a child came to her complaining that so-and-so called me a name is playing too rough or ?????, the child was asked "Did you tell him you didn't like it and please stop?" If not, the tattler was sent back to deal with the situaton on his own. Only if the "offender" refused to stop the offensive behavior, did the teacher become involved.

 

I teach my children this way not only because I see it as my job to intervene if something truly bad is going on (and my job to help them discern it for themselves), but because it mirrors the Biblical admonition for dealing with someone 'sinning' against you, and as Christians, I want to guide them in that direction. (Eventually, they do progress to trying to handle it on their own without coming to you first, or they learn what they should let go, and what denotes a Big Deal).

 

I don't encourage "No Snitching" on siblings, either. I've had a sibling tell me something that I absolutely needed to know (we're talking about teenagers, here, not Littles)...and it was kept semi-confidential, to protect the "Snitch". The "Snitch" didn't do it to get the sibling in trouble (no one was punished; it wasn't that sort of a deal), but because it was something that they understood Dad and I needed to know about. If memory serves correctly, I asked the teen "Snitch" the same thing I ask Littles; Did you talk to (sibling in question) about this, yourself, first? Not because I don't want to be bothered, or because it's not okay to just 'tattle' on your own...but because, again, our faith has a protocol for dealing with conflict, and I believe it's a great model. (And I believe that handling early conflicts about 'tattling' encourages this kind of atmosphere).

 

This is the kind of dynamic I want to have in my family. One that is supportive of the right kind of informing on others. I mean, I can understand not wanting to listen to whiny petitions to punish others, but that's where the guidance comes in. And you can't guide if they're just assuming that they shouldn't come tell you.

[Jami]

I teach my children this way not only because I see it as my job to intervene if something truly bad is going on (and my job to help them discern it for themselves), but because it mirrors the Biblical admonition for dealing with someone 'sinning' against you, and as Christians, I want to guide them in that direction. (Eventually, they do progress to trying to handle it on their own without coming to you first, or they learn what they should let go, and what denotes a Big Deal).

 

I don't encourage "No Snitching" on siblings, either. I've had a sibling tell me something that I absolutely needed to know (we're talking about teenagers, here, not Littles)...and it was kept semi-confidential, to protect the "Snitch". The "Snitch" didn't do it to get the sibling in trouble (no one was punished; it wasn't that sort of a deal), but because it was something that they understood Dad and I needed to know about. If memory serves correctly, I asked the teen "Snitch" the same thing I ask Littles; Did you talk to (sibling in question) about this, yourself, first? Not because I don't want to be bothered, or because it's not okay to just 'tattle' on your own...but because, again, our faith has a protocol for dealing with conflict, and I believe it's a great model. (And I believe that handling early conflicts about 'tattling' encourages this kind of atmosphere).

 

This is the kind of dynamic I want to have in my family. One that is supportive of the right kind of informing on others. I mean, I can understand not wanting to listen to whiny petitions to punish others, but that's where the guidance comes in. And you can't guide if they're just assuming that they shouldn't come tell you.

 

I was going to say something about dealing with one another as laid out in Matthew. Going to the brother who has offended first, before getting another involved. But Jill beat me to it and said it better than I could. So :iagree:

[texascamps]

I was always fuzzy on the tattling thing, too because, by golly, I want to know what's going on around me that I can't see! I think its kind of silly some of the things I've read in parenting mags teaching children not to tattle! I think it takes care of itself when the PARENT responds to tattling or "information dispersal" appropriately. After a while every kid will discern what's going to get the right kind of response and what Mom will listen to, as well as what she will ignore.

 

I need to know if one of the kids is doing something dangerous, mean, or inappropriate. I have an open tattling policy.... but children be warned, if its "He's making faces at me!" or "He said the Transformer I drew looks like a girl." then the response will be. "Work it out, ignore him. Sticks and stones remember?" No high drama from me. Often, they want help with how they should be reacting.

 

 

But I was with a mom who was so anti-tattling that it lead to a possible dangerous situation. I'm at her house, my son comes to tell me about so-and-so. The mom steps in and says "Don't tattle, its rude" and pushes my boy off. Normally I'm all for having a village help me raise my kids, but I knew that my kids, because of our "open tattle but be prepared to be disappointed when Mom doesn't do anything about it" policy that they only reported important stuff. My son just stood there. "Go" the other mom said. Then I piped in "What is it"

They're playing Ninjas and want to hang ..(their little sister). "I told them it was dangerous to play that and they won't listen."

 

I jumped up and lo and behold, their little sister was happily allowing the boys to secure a belt around her neck. When I walked in they were trying to lift her by the end of the belt.

 

No, if, as a mom, you respond properly to their tattles, they'll soon only come to you with what they are concerned about.

 

My kids or any kids, are welcome to come and tell me anything at all about anything at all. Often, and parents forget this, they are trying to find out what is appropriate behavior, or needing help understanding a situation. ESPECIALLY when you get kids together with different personalities and different parental backgrounds. I think they experience different situations that they need help interpreting. Remember back to the first time your child was pushed down by another child. Did they sit there stunned? Mine did, like he had no clue as to what happened. Or, how about the first time your child got hit in the head with a toy pot, sand, or pushed off their tricycle. Those "firsts" are big things to them and I think they come to us for help on how they need to react.

 

Soon enough it will be...."Mom, Billy said he was going to buy some Meth." or "Mom, Johnny said he's going to bring his Dad's gun to school to show me."

 

If they have an inkling of fear to communicate with me openly, I haven't done my job.

[TheLisa]

I agree with Texascamps.

 

I don't like tattlers who tell just to get someone in trouble, but sometimes kids need to get adults involved. For example, a child who is bullied. DD had an issue in dance class last year, and I didn't find out until halfway through the year, when she wanted to drop out! Not all of it was obvious bullying- cutting in line here, a snide remark there, which really added up and made class very unpleasant. DD was in ps at the time, and now I wonder if she misunderstood "no-tattling" rules!

[home4school]

Thanks for all your great responses. I guess I should have mentioned my boys are 10 & 12! That why I totally agree with Texascamps! We're past the years of littles tattling "He looked at me", "He breathed on me". When something is going on now, I want to know because its probably dangerous with my ds12. His focus is how much further, how much faster, how much higher, etc....you get the idea!

 

But, my ds10, lately "tattles" only when he's mad at his brother. He gets mad, then its "Mom, he drank out of the milk carton when you weren't looking." "He whatever, when you weren't looking". Now, it really upsets me that he is clearly doing it to get brother in trouble. But, I need this little guys eyes, because brother can be a wild one! He's one of those you really can't take your eyes off of!

 

I guess this is just a stage ds10 is going thru. I just don't like it that all of a sudden he's doing this clearly to get brother in trouble. He doesn't "tattle" unless he's mad.

 

But, I do take the same stand as Texascamps. Knowing my ds12, I want my boys to come to me when one is doing something he shouldn't be. But, we have moved on to bigger stuff.

 

I miss the days of "He's looking at me", "He stuck his tongue out at me"!

 

Thanks again!

 

Blessings,

Kim

[Peek a Boo]

I'm w/ Texascamps and Jill.

 

i detest it when kids [who don't have the ability to discern stuff properly] don't turn to adults. I've found that it is better all around for parents to actually encourage open communication --even the nitpicky so-called 'tattling' carp-- and actually guide kids through the discernment process than to shovel it under a rug and it builds up later.

 

I've left a few co-ops myself where parents refused to address minor issues that snowballed into big ones. That's not the kind of friends i want.