When your child knows how to get to you. WWYD? WDoYD?

[Innisfree]

One question I'd have is if he *can* respond to discipline in the moment. If you say "Farts belong in the bathroom", or "You need to go to your room until you're ready to stop that"... Will he go? Or will the behavioral problems continue or get worse?

 

For us, dd was not capable of going to timeout or wherever. Her behavior was because she was already past that degree of self-control.

 

I agree that foods can have a huge impact: that's part of our mix, too. We found food colorings were a huge trigger, but also not the only issue. Beware of all the usual holiday treats this time of year: candy canes and candied cherries with red 40, marshmallows with blue 5, etc.

[Innisfree]

Oh, and when talking to the insurance company, I'd say you want an evaluation by a neuropsychologist or an appointment with a developmental pediatrician because of behavior issues and developmental concerns.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Dust, there are no diagnostic tests for sensitivities to things like colors, additives, and dairy. It is, unfortunately, an elimination diet and some trial and error. I couldn't fathom the idea of eliminating dairy or gluten (of course I would have if it became necessary, but I wanted to try the easy stuff first!), so I started with the food dyes and additives since we were most of the way there already. Food dyes are easy--they're quickly identified in the ingredient list of packaged foods (usually at the end of the list), and the numbers make them easy to spot. Caramel coloring slips by more easily, so you just have to look carefully. Things like fast foods are harder, but most fast food places have their nutrition info and ingredients easily available online. 

 

If I were you, I would start there while also working on getting to the right doctors. It's a pretty easy change to make as long as you don't have grandparents or other people slipping your DS snacks. My mom didn't believe me because DD's behavior was always fine when she was with my mom. What it took her awhile to understand was that she would feed DD garbage and then send her home to us, and we got to be the targets of her rage. We were on an extended family vacation when my mom finally got to see the results of exposure. She was dumbfounded, and that ended the argument once and for all. 

 

Check your bread for colors, and definitely eliminate the things you know set him off. Maybe you can ID a few factors while you wait to get him seen somewhere.

 

About the noise sensitivity, DD is the same way, even when not under the influence of food dyes. From what I've read and seen in the kids around me, sensory sensitivity is often co-occurring with other conditions. I would not be surprised to find that DD has ADHD, and she definitely has some kind of LD--possibly dyscalculia, though the math problems might be a symptom of some other, more global, LD. She is a headstrong, determined, and occasionally difficult child. But she's nothing like she was during those early years. I wouldn't be surprised to find that the food sensitivities greatly exacerbate difficulties that already exist, but that are manageable when not magnified by haywire brain chemistry.

 

ETA: I also want to say that I'm totally aware that this is not the solution for every kid, and that often there are real, diagnosable things going on. It's just that I would never have believed what these "safe" additives could do to my child's brain and personality if I hadn't experienced it myself. So when I hear stories like this, I figure this is an easy starting point, and maybe, just maybe, the key to relief for everyone. So much of what you say about your son's behavior reminds me of my DD's. I just hope the answer is so easy for him. 

 

 

Ok, I am following along and this thread is a serious topic and I really feel for you Dust, but I gotta tell you I literally LOL when I read the bolded.

 

 

:lol:  Me too.

 

 

Edited December 13, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I was lucky that mine was still a toddler when we figured it out, but unlucky to have a toddler who raged and talked about wanting to get hit by a car and begging us to hurt her.â€

 

 

OMG  :crying: 

 

When DD was 4-5ish, she would rage and kick and bite and scratch one minute, and then the next minute she'd be weeping in my arms asking what was wrong with her, talking about how she wanted to kill herself, how she should just die. I think that was when I started to truly think about how we were going to need to structure our lives to accommodate whatever her future held. I will be forever grateful that the answer for her was so simple--even on days when I want to tear my hair out because she's making me crazy by trying to run the household! 

[PeterPan]

I just read a book called Boundaries With Kids, by Cloud and Townsend. It addresses a lot of these issues. They go to great pains to assure you that their information is scripture-friendly, which some people may find off-putting, but they give good, sound advice.

 

Haha, I thought you were gonna say Boundaries in general and mean setting up mental boundaries with idiot peds and not forgetting who is the parent (and therefore the EXPERT with the MOST INFO on what is happening) and who is the Pile it Higher and Deeper.  :lol:

[Davysmom]

Neuropsychologist don’t always push medication. In fact, my son’s doesn’t prescribe at all. If she or the patient feels there is a need to, she will refer patients to another doctor. It is just their offic policy to get tor the root of the problem without medication at all.

 

I chose them not because I was against medication if needed, but because I wanted answers. I felt like they would provide them.

They did!

[MedicMom]

I haven’t ever figured out how to try or implement any of those restrictive diets. I actually think my son would choose to starve to death. Some kids really won’t eat when they are hungry enough, and he’s one.

I do think it would help my child’s behavior issues.

[amy g.]

I haven’t ever figured out how to try or implement any of those restrictive diets. I actually think my son would choose to starve to death. Some kids really won’t eat when they are hungry enough, and he’s one.

I do think it would help my child’s behavior issues.

I’m lucky to have buy in from my kids because they don’t ever want to feel that bad ever again.

 

I’m getting pretty good at making meals that taste like junk food, but are made out of real ingredients. Today for lunch, I made fried chicken and fried rice with sweet and sour sauce. It was labor intensive but pretty delicious even without flour or rice or sugar or food coloring.

 

My kid would starve if I just limited her food without giving her replacements that she enjoys.

 

I figure I can spend the time shopping and prepping and cooking or I can spend the time trying to deal with her meltdowns.

 

All of that is to say, I totally agree that some kids would rather starve. I’ve seen it first hand.

[caedmyn]

While you are considering your options, read the book Raising Lions. Give the one minute "break" method he describes a good try, really consistently, for a few weeks (if you're impatient like me, there's also a description of it on the author's blog too, a few posts in, the one about him working at a camp for kids who'd been kicked out of other camps). It has made such a difference with my very ADHD 9 YO w/sensory issues. Nothing I tried worked with him before--various consequences, social thinking stuff, zones of regulation, it was like he had zero impulse control. Now he's starting to self-correct on some behaviors which never happened before. He's very physically aggressive and twice recently I've seen him swing at someone and intentionally miss...he chose to miss, whereas before it would always "Ahhh!!" React!! Instant attack with no thought of consequences and absolutely no way to get him to stop without physically intervening. The author's used his method with many kids with very serious behavior issues, especially ADHD, and including Aspies or ASD 1. He says it won't work with severe autism but it doesn't sound like that's what you're dealing with.

[skyday]

While you are considering your options, read the book Raising Lions. Give the one minute "break" method he describes a good try, really consistently, for a few weeks (if you're impatient like me, there's also a description of it on the author's blog too, a few posts in, the one about him working at a camp for kids who'd been kicked out of other camps). It has made such a difference with my very ADHD 9 YO w/sensory issues. Nothing I tried worked with him before--various consequences, social thinking stuff, zones of regulation, it was like he had zero impulse control. Now he's starting to self-correct on some behaviors which never happened before. He's very physically aggressive and twice recently I've seen him swing at someone and intentionally miss...he chose to miss, whereas before it would always "Ahhh!!" React!! Instant attack with no thought of consequences and absolutely no way to get him to stop without physically intervening. The author's used his method with many kids with very serious behavior issues, especially ADHD, and including Aspies or ASD 1. He says it won't work with severe autism but it doesn't sound like that's what you're dealing with.

 

I've never heard of this book before now. I was looking it up on Amazon and I am intrigued. Is this a book that would be better implemented when the kids are younger or would it help me with my ADHD DS12 now?  

[hornblower]

OP, while you're thinking and sorting it out, can I just suggest you start keeping a very detailed log of his outbursts and also try to videotape them, but only if there's another adult in the room who can do it kind of inconspicuously.  If you can't, get a fast one button on app on your phone & at least just flick it on an audio recording while it's happening. Just gather your evidence so that you can say "look, this is what is happening, this is how bad it is, this is what we're saying/doing and this is the response; this happens x times daily for x minutes". 

Trust your instincts and go see whoever you can. Bottom line is the family is struggling with parenting and relating - whether this is a clinical presentation of something in the DSM or not - so you need to keep asking for help until you find some psychologist, or psychiatrist or neuropsychologist who will give you some intervention options. 

 

And consider just going on your own to a counsellor to talk about not your son, but yourself & how shitty it all is and how you feel gaslighted and ignored. It helps. 

[Plink]

I was just popping in to say exactly what Hornblower suggested.  Document everything!  

 

Doctors like to work in the world of facts.  Behavioral and emotional issues are not generally something that they perceive as present unless there are documented incidents that they can point to.  They need to see that a child has 10 incidents of self harm every day, that they have anxiety attacks every single time someone other than themselves whistles, or that they are 8 years old and incapable of putting on their shoes to go outdoors without crying. Those are facts they can work with. 

 

 

 

I don't know if it will work for your boy, but my ASD, ADHD, (multiple additional labels) child works best when I keep my voice entirely neutral.  Sounding too excited about an outing is just as overstimulating as sounding frightened.  Both cause her to not want to leave the house.  The same thing applies with discipline.  Direct eye-contact, yelling, and even sighing out of my own frustration simply cause the situation to fall into a downward spiral of anxiety-induced bad behavior. 

 

ETA: Our insurance did not require a referral to see a neuropsychologist.  Hopefully yours works the same way!

Edited December 15, 2017 by Plink