Please talk to me about foster care...

[Melissa in CA]

We are, again, considering becoming Foster parents. It's been on our heart many times, but fear always keeps us from following through. I feel I need to protect my family. Protect our homeschooling. Don't want to open the door to possible problems with social services, etc. I worry that taking one child to ps and homeschooling my son would cause issues. I am assuming you are not allowed to homeschool a foster child. (?)

We only have room for one boy and he would have to share a room with our youngest. I wouldn't want any child older than him, preferably younger. I worry about some of the baggage the child might bring with him that might influence my son. [sigh] It's all very scary to me. And yet...

 

I love kids and would love to provide a solid loving home for a child, even if only for a little while. I would even consider adoption if the right child came along, though I don't know if we could afford the adoption costs. I don't care about money, or that you get paid for fostering. We are not rich, but we can provide food and clothes for a child with no problem. It is DEFINITELY not about the money. I actually don't even know how much money you get.:confused:

 

Anyhow, I would love some advice. Anyone care to share? DH and I are currently praying about it, but some extra insight from those who have "been there, done that" is always helpful.

[Home'scool]

I sorry that I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I admire you for starting this process.

 

You obviously have a big heart and a kind soul. You should be proud.

[Julie in Austin]

We're thinking about this, too, so I'm :bigear:.

 

I know in TX you cannot hs a foster child, CA may be different--I don't know. And here, there are no (unreimbursed) costs for foster adoption.

 

But other than that, I have the same concerns that you do and one you didn't mention--hostile interactions with the foster child's birth parents.

[RebeccaS]

We're in Ohio, so take what I say with a grain of salt. There are no fees for adoption through the foster care system. We were advised to keep the birth order for the sake of our own children, so I think you're wise to do that. In OH, you cannot homeschool a foster child, though exceptions have been made in rare cases if the child is in permanent custody of the state and you are in the process of adopting. I can't say how much influence the child might have on your family, though, as we're fostering a 2 yr old right now. In OH, you go through an extensive list of possible behaviors, illnesses, etc that a child could have and check whether you would not, would, or might consider. So, if there are things you'd rather not deal with, you can check "not consider" for those. I feel we get plenty of money to take care of our fd physical needs, but if you consider the emotional side, it might not be enough, LOL!;) (I truly kid-she is such a different girl than we brought home and we love that we were able to bring that out in her.) We are reimbursed for travel relating to her and any fees (parking was a big one for us while she was in the hospital rehab). We are given a quarterly allowance for clothing and a list of places that accepted the vouchers. We just love having our fd with us and we pray that we might adopt one of these days, if not her, then another one. As for her family, we can have as much or as little contact as we desire. Social Services encourages a relationship with the family to give them a mentor type relationship. To help them learn to be a better parent, if you will. Because of the amount of abuse our girl has had, I do not want any contact with her family. I'm a little to upset with them about that to be an effective mentor.:glare: I hope this helps you out a little bit, even though I've not been in your exact position.

[Melissa in CA]

hostile interactions with the foster child's birth parents.

 

Yes, this would be a concern of ours also. My 17 yo mentioned being robbed as well. Sheesh! LOL

 

Our lives are very comfortable. Very peaceful. We are blessed with very good kids that have not given us ANY of the grief most teens inflict on their parents. :D I am fearful of bringing harm to our perfect little family; afraid of upsetting the apple cart, KWIM? ;) And yet, I keep thinking this is something God is calling us to do. Should it be so scary if it's His will??? :001_huh:

[Melissa in CA]

In OH, you go through an extensive list of possible behaviors, illnesses, etc that a child could have and check whether you would not, would, or might consider. So, if there are things you'd rather not deal with, you can check "not consider" for those.

 

Thanks Rebecca! This is good to know. I hope CA does the same, as I would not feel equipped to handle certain illnesses and/or behaviors.

[Heather in Neverland]

Homeschooling a foster child depends on the state...in Michigan it's a no but in NC it was legal. Both NC and MI pay about $400-500 a month per child (but it can vary) and they also have medicaid for medical expenses. Some offer additional clothing allowances, some don't. Either way, it isn't much. We fostered 5 kids (ages 16, 15, 14, 7, and 4). The older ones definitely exposed my kids to things I wish they hadn't (nothing sexual...just a worldliness they were not used to). One of them grabbed my ds by his neck and I lost it.

 

BUT

 

I loved being a foster parent. I know it sounds weird with all the negative stuff but it was so rewarding and I love those kids and we are still in contact with them. Go into it with your eyes wide open. It isn't paradise but it is worth it.

[Heather in Neverland]

And yet, I keep thinking this is something God is calling us to do. Should it be so scary if it's His will??? :001_huh:

 

Umm...yeah. Don't you think Peter was shaking in his boots when Christ called out to him to walk to him on the water? :D I blogged about our experiences...maybe some of it will help you (you'll need to go to the oldest post first and read up to get the story in the right order)?

 

http://heatherfischer.typepad.com/the_road_not_taken/2007/09/index.html

Edited November 3, 2008 by Heather in NC

[cathmom]

Melissa, have you considered waiting until your own dc are grown and out of the house?

[Ferdie]

We fostered in CA two years ago and at that time you were not allowed to hs a foster child. I think your idea of fostering a child younger than your youngest is very wise. In Los Angeles County they go through a check list of behaviors and conditions that a child may have and what you are willing to accept.

 

Depending on your county you might want to check out a private foster care agency. We decided on that route and went through the Children's Bureau of Southern California. The advantage is that you get better support because your social workers have better training and more experience. Also the reimb expense is higher - about $600 per month rather than $400. Also the monthly checks are tax free so it really helps out with the food budget.

 

I didn't have any issues with our foster children's birth parents. Most of our visitations were monitored by our private agency at a wonderful facility. I just dropped off and picked up so it was no big deal. I'm glad I didn't have to personally monitor them because that would have been too much for me to deal with.

 

The hardest part for me were the constant visitors in our home. We had a social worker in our house every week, (sometimes I asked them to meet at a park or zoo and they were cool with that). We also had representatives from the children's attorneys visit us every 6 months as well. They take the foster kids in a seperate room and interview them which kind of made me uncomfortable but I thought it was a great safeguard for the children.

 

Our foster children didn't have any medical issues or therapy requirements, but many foster children do so you would need to fit all those appointments into your hs routine.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[Ottakee]

My husband and I were foster parents for over 100 children over a 10 year span. The youngest we had came at 2 days old (now our 11dd) and the oldest was a 17 year old girl with her 12 month old baby. We had single children up to sib groups of 4 and children from all races/ethnic backgrounds.

 

If you can only take one child and a boy, I would make SURE that he is at least several years younger than your son. Foster child can expose your children to many things that you might not even think of. Foster kids can also act out what they have seen and been exposed to.

 

Public school could be a good thing if it gives you a break from the child and time to give your son some 1:1 time. Another option is to take only preschool age children so you don't have to worry about school.

 

Foster care generally pays about $350-400/month but often you have to provide transportation to visits, doctors, therapy, etc. out of that money. They have medicaid for medical costs. Often you get a check twice a year for clothing---$107 here which doesn't go far when the kids often come to you with NOTHING or next to nothing---like mine that would come in an adult T-shirt and undies--no socks, no shoes, no jacket, NOTHING. Younger kids (under 5) can get WIC which helps with some basic grocery costs.

 

Adopting through foster care is generally very low cost (like under $200) or free. The emotional costs though can be very high as the process can take a LONG time, have many ups and downs as they consider relatives, returning the child home, etc.

 

These children WILL have special emotional needs. After all there IS a reason they are in foster care. Often they will have medical, learning, health or other special needs. 75-80% have been s*x abused, many were drug/alcohol exposed, be at higher genetic risk for mental health issues, etc.

 

Love goes a long ways to helping these kids but love is NOT enough for them. Some of them will have life long struggles due to things they had no control over. Not all of these kids will "catch up" in the right home.

 

I sound like a big downer here but foster care is NOT like taking care of your friend's kids overnight. I have had a 6 week old preemie come with 4 broken bones, a 4 1/2 year old with human bite marks all over him from mom's boyfriend, a girl in a gang, tiny children left home alone, kids whose mom tried to commit suicide with them there, kids who hunted for food in dumpsters and rarely made it to school, a child I admitted to a psychiatric hospital, and on and on.

 

I would suggest that you link up with other foster parents in your area to find out more how the system works in your area as well as to help develop a support system. Many of your non-foster parent friends can't really understand the struggles that these kids have gone through and you then go through trying to parent them.

 

Foster parenting is a wonderful ministry and one I wish more Christians would consider but it is NOT for the faint of heart. As they say about the peace corp.......this is the toughest job you will ever love.

[Cathy in IL]

If you are being called to do this, you will get through all the challenges that come with it. There will be hard moments, there will be tears, your heart will break more than you ever thought it could - but you will come through it stronger and more blessed than when you started if you are called. The check-lists about what you can or can't accept are helpful, but sometimes, social services doesn't really know what a child deals with until after they are placed with you. There are lots of services to help make it work, but you may have to search for them. Definitely get connected with foster parents near you. Fostering is difficult, but it is something I love being able to do.

[tibbyl]

Ottakee, I am a former foster parent. Your post was not a downer at all; it presented a realistic view of what all fostering entails. I especially appreciated your making the point that love alone does not solve everything. Many idealists enter fostering with the misconception that love and a stable home will cure all. I'll just add to your list that overburdened case workers do not always provide all the info they have on child's history to the foster parent upfront. I do hope that that has changed for the better.

[Ottakee]

yes, sometimes foster care workers will out right LIE about a child's needs/situations. Other times they "leave out" some information. Often though, they just dont' know themselves.

 

I often did emergency care. The type of cases where the protective services worker calls and says "I have a child in my car, can I bring them to you?". Usually this gives you about 20 minutes to prepare for the child(ren)---the time it takes to drive from where they are to our house. The kids come with the clothing on their backs (often not even fit for the weather) and nothing else.

 

Just another side thought---prepare for ALL kids to be bedwetters. Even if they say they are not, the trauma of the move often leads to wet beds, at least for a while. I keep plastic pads on the beds and pull up/Goodnights on hand and don't make a big deal about it.

 

One more thing---often these kids will NOT appreciate what you are doing for them. Over time, maybe, but it is NOT like the movies where you "rescue" a child and they are forever grateful, helpful, loving, etc.

 

Then again, the rewards can be great.

[Melissa in CA]

Thank you everyone for your great posts! Ottakee, I especially appreciate your candid honesty.

 

I sure HOPE I am not an idealist, but until one actually fosters a few children, I do believe there is some form of idealism involved. I have a tiny bit of experience, very tiny, in that I took in a distant cousin's son who needed care. He was only with us for a few weeks, but I understand a bit about our help not being appreciated, and the child's attitude. This boy we had did not know us from Adam, resisted any attempts at kindness from us, refused to eat the food I prepared, etc. But in time he began to interact with us, eat what I told him too, etc. And even today, years later, remembers us with fondness (or so his mother tells me whenever I see her, which is not often). He also brought in a lot of questionable talk that we had to nip in the bud immediately. He was only about 8 years old and had already seen every R rated movie available; knew more about s*x than I did! :001_huh:

 

All that to say that, yes, I do have a small understanding of what it would be like. Very small. And with that tiny bit of understanding comes great fear and trembling.

 

If, and that is a big IF, we do decide to foster it will be through a private Christian based agency. I don't know if that will make a difference in the scheme of things. I also really don't have a problem with the child attending ps while I homeschool, as one of you mentioned that 1 on 1 time with my son would be a blessing. I guess what worries me most is having social services in my house all the time. I keep my house clean, children fed, etc. No problems there. It is the intrusion of our privacy that bothers me. I am also fearful of getting a case worker who is anti-homeschooling that might want to cause us problems. Getting a child who makes false accusations and puts our parenting into question, etc. THOSE are the types of things that really bother me the most and why I have refused to foster in the past despite my desire too. I have heard of a few accusation horror stories and would not want to put my family through that!

 

Anyhow, the final decision will be my husbands, and right now he is not really on-board. He's praying about it though. It HAS to be his decision, because if something goes wrong I surely don't want to be blamed! ;) He has to be on board completely or it's a no-go.

[threetreasurs]

I would have concerns about having the new foster child share a bedroom with one of your children. That is sort of placing your child in a mature situation.

[KrissiK]

Our children were adopted through the County fost-adopt program here in California. We want to adopt #4 (and possibly #5 as a sib group) and have changed from our county agency to Koinonia. We are still in the process of getting certified with Koinonia, but we have been very happy with them so far - their philosophy, etc. etc. We got very frustrated with the county. We HS our kids, too, and know that we will be unable to do so with a foster child. There are a lot of really silly rules and regulations and it's a tough business to be in. We did have visitation with our kids' birthmom (supervised at the County HQ) and that was pretty awful. Our kids were very young (toddlers) at that time, so they don't remember any of it. Yeah, she was quite hostile, to say the least. But, you just go through it. When you get involved in foster care you get involved in the ugliness of people's lives, but you just have to remember that you are doing good for the innocent victims, which are the children. I don't want to discourage you at all. We went into it all wide-eyed and naive and ended up with a good dose of reality. But, for all that we would like to be foster parents when our kids are old enough to be "influencers" rather than "influencees".

[Rhonda in TX]

I have no personal knowledge of fostering, but our former youth minister had a very bad experience. His parents took in many foster children while he was growing up and he was repeatedly s*xually abused by some of these children. His parents never knew.

 

Especially since the foster child would be sharing a room with your child, please consider this.

[Heather in Neverland]

I would have concerns about having the new foster child share a bedroom with one of your children. That is sort of placing your child in a mature situation.

 

And the DSS might not allow it.

[Ottakee]

You are WISE to do this only if dh is TOTALLY on board. It will take the strength of 2 parents to do this. If the child realizes the house is divided, watch out.

 

If your son is 11 I would look at kids under 6 or 7 to start with--depending on the maturity of your son.

[Melissa in CA]

 

If your son is 11 I would look at kids under 6 or 7 to start with--depending on the maturity of your son.

 

Yes, around 5-7 is about the age range we would consider. I actually would rather my son NOT share a room, but don't know what I would do with him. I'd hate to displace my own son to the couch, not sure he'd like that. :D

This is still so very up in the air, but everyones posts are very, very helpful.

 

At this very moment I am considering that maybe now is not the right time. Perhaps when my oldest moves out (they do do that eventually don't they? lol) my two youngers can share a room leaving a free room for foster children. Then I could possibly take more than one in if they are siblings.

 

quite honestly, you've all got me kinda scared about my youngest sharing a room! I was already hesitant, but now, I'm feeling REALLY hesitant. :001_huh:

[Testimony]

I use to investigate child abuse and place children in foster homes constantly. I dealt for years with all different types of foster homes. I commend you to desiring to do this monumental task. After investigating child abuse for several years, I would not do foster care.

 

Foster children come with a lot of baggage. They say take a child that is younger than your oldest because the older will definitely influence the younger, but the younger can too. Many times if you have a 6 year old and the child you foster is 4 years old, that 4 year old has more knowledge than the 6 year old or even you. They can still teach them stuff you don't want them to know. I would keep the foster child out of the same room as any of my children. What if you have a 4 year old that was sexually abuse and starts to act out? They will. Many of them are kicked out of several foster homes and will attempt to make all kinds of false accusation against you just because they have been hurt.

 

I know one foster mom had an incident where the child stole all of her jewelry including heirlooms from her bedroom. The child confessed that she took it and dumped it in a dumpster. The foster mom never recovered her losses. I recall a case where the foster mom was falsely accused something. A foster child blamed the son for coming on to her. Her son, her husband, and everyone were investigated. She ended up closing her home because she could not take the strain anymore.

 

You did ask for some idea. I am seeing it from a child protective worker view. It is wonderful and rewarding, but hard and thankless. It is a calling!

 

Blessing to you!

Sincerely,

Karen

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony