S/O: Hoarder and death of a parent/parents

[MotherGoose]

I'm definitely hiring someone, somehow. My aunt and uncle have loads of stuff, some of it valuable, and also have cash stuck in there! Depression era mindset. My father has piles and piles of scrap metal that some recycling company can have. I figure that, in going through the stuff, I should at least get a reasonable hourly rate of return on my labor. My mother and her siblings just sold my grandmothers house nine years after she died. They spent UNTOLD hours cleaning and sorting and doing yard work for NINE years! No. My time is worth something. They will never get anything in inheritance approaching the time they spent. Some of them are retired but some aren't.

ETA you would think my mom and aunt would have figured this out after my great aunt died (no children or husband). They spent untold hours sorting out all the thousands (no exaggeration) of the blank notecards and holiday cards she had collected over the years, especially the ones she recently obtained by sending places a couple Of Dollars to help orphans or some such thing. So now everyone in the family has a lifetime supply of note cards. I would have chucked the whole thing into the recycling bin. It is nice to not have to buy notecards, but I mean they spent HOURS sorting out all of them into little bags.

[heartlikealion]

If items are already organized and labeled, there might be a way to get a group to pick them up for you. Or drop them off at a Goodwill or such? Do they belong to a local parish? Maybe someone from a church would help with this type of thing.

 

I think you need to be honest with your mom. Maybe if she knew how much it stressed you out or how impractical it was to do XYZ then she would back off. I am sure she doesn't want to cause you undue stress.

[DawnM]

Don't promise you will do this.  Seriously.  My MIL has never given me much useful advice, but she did tell my husband and me never to promise her or my FIL anything like never having them live in a nursing home, or never getting rid of such and such an item.  She said her MIL had tried to get them (my MIL and FIL) to promise she'd never go to a nursing home, and they would not promise that.  (She ended up dying in her own home anyway, with hospice care.)   I think I remember her telling them not to sell her house to someone specific, who wanted it, but I think they ended up selling it to them anyway because... they were the only ones who wanted it.  

 

I think she advised we say "oh, we'll see..."   Think about how many moms say that to their children!   "We'll do the best we can" is another good one.   Then, there is at least no guilt over breaking a promise. 

 

oh, you don't know her.

 

Promise me!  Promise me!  I won't leave until you promise me!  

 

Mental illness is a difficult thing.

[DawnM]

If items are already organized and labeled, there might be a way to get a group to pick them up for you. Or drop them off at a Goodwill or such? Do they belong to a local parish? Maybe someone from a church would help with this type of thing.

 

I think you need to be honest with your mom. Maybe if she knew how much it stressed you out or how impractical it was to do XYZ then she would back off. I am sure she doesn't want to cause you undue stress.

 

 

Oh, she doesn't care.  "oh, you can do this FOR ME!"  

[Garga]

Haven't been able to read everything, but around here if someone dies their house and the contents of it go up for public auction. There have been 2 on my street since I moved here and another scheduled for next week.

 

The house wouldn't have to be sold at auction, but ALL the contents are sold. Can you contact an auction house and see if that's an option where she is?

[marbel]

oh, you don't know her.

 

Promise me!  Promise me!  I won't leave until you promise me!  

 

Mental illness is a difficult thing.

 

I get you.  I think... and this is easy for me to say, not being in the situation, I understand that... that in that case I'd go ahead and promise.  "Sure, Mom, yep, I'll take care of everything, don't you worry about it."  And, when the time comes...do what you need to do.    

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[melmichigan]

I have no serious advice, when my MIL dies I'm leaning towards a controlled burn.  You might be able to salvage the garage, but that's about it.

[DawnM]

I get you.  I think... and this is easy for me to say, not being in the situation, I understand that... that in that case I'd go ahead and promise.  "Sure, Mom, yep, I'll take care of everything, don't you worry about it."  And, when the time comes...do what you need to do.    

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I honestly just smile and don't say anything.  If I say no, it is a huge "thing" and she won't let go.  If I promise, I feel that I have made a promise and lied.  So when she gets all belligerent and demanding I just smile and either don't say anything or will say, "It will be taken care of."  Which is true.  It won't be the way she wishes, but it will be taken care of!

 

My plan is that I will be fine with having some memorial at their current church in Arizona.  I won't need to plan too much, the pastor knows them.   I will also handle something in South Carolina, where she is from, and where her siblings and their children live.  They will help some I am sure.  And I live about 3 hours away, so that will be drivable, and probably the only one I will make my kids and husband attend.

 

What I will NOT do is travel to Iowa, where she will be buried, and do something at the gravesite.  I have expressed to my dad my frustration with this plan (the buried in Iowa part) but it gets me nowhere so I have given up.  But I won't go.  

[DawnM]

Thanks guys.  I probably can't do a yard sale very easily in their location.  They live in a retirement center and even though they have their own place within that center, it isn't a place with ample parking for a yard sale.

 

I do know there are 3 thrift stores nearby and one of them will come in and just take everything.  I plan to get rid of 100% of their furniture.  

 

My mom thinks their stuff is valuable.  When she called last week she told me, "You know that coffee table cost a lot of money when I bought it.  You could get something for that!"  

 

Um, prob. not!  1960s marble top huge round coffee table with gold legs.  

 

But a service sounds good, one that can come in and just take everything.  

 

I honestly only want pictures and a few things.  My mom wants me to take the dishes.  She tells me all the time (since I was about 4 years old), "These will be yours someday!"  Like it is a huge inheritance.  They aren't really my style but it seems to be important that I take them.  Not sure what I will do with them.

[SebastianCat]

Regarding the 3 funerals...we actually did that for MIL.   It was kind of nuts, but it made sense at the time.

 

MIL & FIL lived in City A for close to 30 years.   They declined (MIL had a progressive physical disease, FIL had dementia) to the point where they could no longer care for themselves.   We moved them to assisted living in City B, 5 hours north, where SIL lived, so she could help them.   MIL did well for a while, then had a very rapid decline and passed away.  

 

1st funeral was held at the ALF in City B, and it was the only funeral FIL was told about.   His dementia was pretty advanced at that point and there was no way he could travel.   A pastor from SIL's church came to the ALF and they had a small memorial service there.

 

2nd (main) funeral was held in City A, so MIL & FIL's friends could be there.   Most of them are also elderly and couldn't have traveled 5+ hours to where FIL now lived, and he wouldn't have been able to hold a conversation with them anyway.

 

3rd service (graveside) was in City C, 1.5 hours west of City A.   City C is where MIL and FIL grew up and where they had already purchased burial plots.   MIL's sister lives 1.5 hours away in the opposite direction (3 hours away from the main service), and because of her own declining health, she and other extended family could only come to the graveside service.   (If MIL & FIL hadn't already purchased burial plots, we would have not done anything in City C and would have given MIL's sister a "pass" for not coming because of her health.)

 

It was exhausting but at the time it was our only option.

[amy g.]

My dad was a hoarder and I had an nursing infant when he passed away. I offered for just me and my husband and best friend to get a dumpster and get rid of everything after my sister took what she wanted. I think it would have taken three 12 hour days.

 

My sister wanted to go through every item and decide if it needed to be recycled or if there was a special person or was meant to be given to. It took her over 6 months and she discovered some pretty traumatizing things about our family reading old papers. I wish she had agreed to doing it my way.

 

I sold the house to a flipper for cash so I wouldn't have to clean it.

 

Dad had a ton of stipulations about what he wanted done with his belongings and how he wanted his very expensive burial arrangements handled.

 

Here is the thing. He was sick for 2.5 years before he died. He had warning and time to take care of this stuff himself. I know he didn't feel good, but the fact of the matter was that isn't how he wanted to spend his time. He felt like it was more fair to just dump it on us. I didn't feel obligated to follow through on any of it, but both my husband and sister did, so I was outvoted.

 

I haven't spoken to my mother in 20 years. I told my sister that if she takes care of getting rid of her stuff and end of life issues and funeral arrangements, I don't want any part of the proceeds.

 

There is no way I'm going through that again.

 

My grandmother downsized before she passed away and gave my dad the things he wanted and he passed them to me, so I have some family heirlooms that I treasure. I'm thankful that she took care of giving them to me when she was still alive.