I hate making adult decisions (moving related)

[LucyStoner]

I would not move to Germany. I am surprised at the number of people who value learning a second language more than connection to family! I would consider the feelings of the kids as well as your own feelings, obviously. You don't seem excited about moving to Germany at all. I wouldn't do it. If you are happy where you are, and your husband makes enough for you to live comfortably, stay there.

I am a foreign language teacher. I just don't see uprooting your family to learn another language. The family relationships are so much more important than another language.

Did I miss something? Right now they live an 8 hour drive to their family and see them just a couple times a year? It's not like their cousins live down the street from them.

[FaithManor]

I would not move to Germany. I am surprised at the number of people who value learning a second language more than connection to family! I would consider the feelings of the kids as well as your own feelings, obviously. You don't seem excited about moving to Germany at all. I wouldn't do it. If you are happy where you are, and your husband makes enough for you to live comfortably, stay there.

I am a foreign language teacher. I just don't see uprooting your family to learn another language. The family relationships are so much more important than another language.

You must live near extended family whp are decent people.

 

A surprising number of people do not live in such circumstances. My dh is 1400 miles from his siblings. We tried visiting when our kids were little, but they were not enthusiastic. We eventually gave up. My kids have not seen their cousins on that side for nine years. I am not certain his brother's kids actually know their cousin's names. So not such a big deal if we choose to live overseas.

 

In the OP's case, they are 8 hrs. away from nearest family. Not like they are all getting together routinely. So definitely not the same thing as when you all live in the same town.

 

As a child my dad had the opportunity to promote his career by taking a 5 yr. opportunity in Spain. My paternal grandparents went crazy about "don't you care about your family????" kind of reasoning.

 

So he didn't take it, and it tanked his career. We lived for most of my childhood without medical insurance, no rise in income, etc. with my brother and I hiding illnesses from our folks because we felt they could not afford the doctor's visits or medicines. Dh's parents refused to move away from family to the financial detriment of their own kids. None of us are thanking them for the cousin memories in retrospect.

 

Bottom line is if he is the sole bread winner for the family then what is best for his career has to take precedent. Keeping a roof, healthcare, food...way more important than whether or not the holidays were spent with cousins.

 

It does not have to be permanent and can be used as a stepping stone to a better position stateside.

 

If it has no bearing on his career, then the other considerations come very much into play...same to if OP is working full time as they would be losing out on another potential avenue of financial security and health benefits.

[suzanne4]

The OP expressed that getting together with her family was important to her even if it is only a couple of times a year. 

She also said that they are living very comfortably financially so I don't see the reason to move to advance her husband's career unless that is what they choose.  I didn't get the impression that they are suffering financially, or are even in danger of it. 

My family is by no means perfect, but I do see the value in teaching kids that family is important, even with its imperfections. Of course, some family is not worth staying near under any circumstances. I get that. Most of my family members we don't see.  There are only a few we keep in contact with.  But OP said that it is important to her.

 
I just don't think OP should feel obligated to move. She seems very happy where she is, financially, socially and with regards to seeing her family a few times per year. 

 

We have friends who have moved across the country for a better job.  She misses her family terribly because she cannot afford to transport all her kids back to see them.  And the cost of living is so high where they moved that  it negates the huge raise her husband received.  There is more to life than career advancement. It is a personal decision for OP and her husband. 

You must live near extended family whp are decent people.

A surprising number of people do not live in such circumstances. My dh is 1400 miles from his siblings. We tried visiting when our kids were little, but they were not enthusiastic. We eventually gave up. My kids have not seen their cousins on that side for nine years. I am not certain his brother's kids actually know their cousin's names. So not such a big deal if we choose to live overseas.

In the OP's case, they are 8 hrs. away from nearest family. Not like they are all getting together routinely. So definitely not the same thing as when you all live in the same town.

As a child my dad had the opportunity to promote his career by taking a 5 yr. opportunity in Spain. My paternal grandparents went crazy about "don't you care about your family????" kind of reasoning.

So he didn't take it, and it tanked his career. We lived for most of my childhood without medical insurance, no rise in income, etc. with my brother and I hiding illnesses from our folks because we felt they could not afford the doctor's visits or medicines. Dh's parents refused to move away from family to the financial detriment of their own kids. None of us are thanking them for the cousin memories in retrospect.

Bottom line is if he is the sole bread winner for the family then what is best for his career has to take precedent. Keeping a roof, healthcare, food...way more important than whether or not the holidays were spent with cousins.

It does not have to be permanent and can be used as a stepping stone to a better position stateside.

If it has no bearing on his career, then the other considerations come very much into play...same to if OP is working full time as they would be losing out on another potential avenue of financial security and health benefits.

 

[LucyStoner]

From a career standpoint *choosing* to not advance can have serious consequences down the road. Staying at the same position for too long these days can actually hurt your chances of being retained, promoted or hired elsewhere. People who aren't seen as climbing are often (unfairly or not) seen as less competent.

 

Obviously this varies by sector but that's my generalized impression for more professional level workers.

[lovinmyboys]

I talked to Dh last night. I would like to stay where we are. I am happy there, the kids are happy, and Dh makes a good income compared to the cost of living there. Really, though, we need to move in order for him to advance. While it may not seem like a raise at first because of the higher cost of living, it will eventually be a good thing for our standard of living and his career. Dh is fine with either DC or Germany, but he would pick Germany. We don't have to decide right away, so I have some time to think about it. Really, I am sure either would be fine.

[Lecka]

I think it would change things for me if you had enough money to visit or fly people to visit you.

 

Also -- is there even an int'l school where you would live? If so, you can ask about your husband's employer subsidizing the school fees. That is a real thing that many employers provide.

 

Would you get a relocation package when you move back.

 

There are things like that that can be very, very expensive if paid for by individuals, and many expats have packages that cover some or all of these expenses.

 

Part of it for me is I know what my husband's job is, what it pays, and what it covers.

 

That means I know just what trade-offs I would be making.

 

If you can fly relatives over to visit and then you travel together in the summer in Europe, that is awesome.

 

We are very borderline for having that income.

 

Also I know what kind of housing we would have, and it would be quite a bit smaller than what we would have here (but maybe this would be a non-issue compared to D.C.). We would not have enough space to easily have relatives stay with us for very long.

 

If you would have more money or could go half-way on tickets for anyone to visit, that can go a long way.

 

It is just realistic for me to say that we would most likely not visit the US, and my relatives would not come much.

 

It is just realistic to say for how many kids we have we could not afford int'l school even if we were near one.

 

But other people can afford these things! Many jobs get paid quite a bit extra in overseas slots to make up for these expenses, or provide an amount of tuition per child.

 

Then this is something I know little about, but I have heard people comparing relocation packages for returning from overseas an apparently this is a big thing and matters, and is something that is negotiated before you go overseas? Or sometimes? It is not something my husband's job has at all.

 

But I have heard of it.

 

I think ask around and see if there is anything like that your husband can ask for her or that they might provide.

 

It could make a huge difference.

 

Also it is common and maybe his company would do it.

 

Even things like travel -- I have an idea of what our income would be, how far to drive for a day trip, how far to take a train in a day, etc, and that we are a family of 5, and my current kids' ages. We would not be traveling that much.

 

We would do all the awesome stuff that is a day trip by car or train, but not so much when it comes to hotels and meals out.

 

It is not any cheaper there than here, and we watch those things here.

 

We also, frankly, prioritize money and time with vacations towards traveling to see family or taking a joint trip with family. That is what we have as a priority for money and vacation time now.

 

The entire price we paid for a week-long trip last summer with my sister, her family, and my parents, for ALL of us, was less than int'l airfare alone for 5 people. That trip was great and it was what is really, truly affordable for all of us.

Edited March 16, 2017 by Lecka

[Lecka]

Oh -- we did also get "COLA" bc the exchange rate was changing while we were there.

 

This is something else to ask about.

 

Bc if you get paid in dollars and then the exchange rate changes a lot, that could make your money not go as far.

 

There are things like this where it might make you end up having a higher income if your husband did take the position, and then these kinds of things were added in.

 

Edit: bc I think if you could visit every 1-2 years and have someone visit you every 1-2 years, that would make a huge, huge difference.

 

I am saying more -- I know that is not the case for us. It is too expensive and involved for it to be that frequent for us.

 

But what Monica in Switzerland seems much better to me -- I just know we would not have that amount.

 

But if your husband did get a big expat package, it would go a long way.

 

And if he doesn't -- well, most expats, or many, are getting packages that cover some expenses that you may pay out of pocket, and I think that is something to consider.

 

Things get a lot less glamorous when they are not affordable.

Edited March 16, 2017 by Lecka

[FaithManor]

From a career standpoint *choosing* to not advance can have serious consequences down the road. Staying at the same position for too long these days can actually hurt your chances of being retained, promoted or hired elsewhere. People who aren't seen as climbing are often (unfairly or not) seen as less competent.

 

Obviously this varies by sector but that's my generalized impression for more professional level workers.

Yes this. We once moved 2400 miles away from nearest family for a couple of years in order to keep DH moving forward. But that was the choice we made to be a single income family while I homeschooled.

 

If we had not decided to homeschool, and I had continued pursuing my music career, there would have been no need to worry quite so much about forward momentum in his job.

 

The great thing in today's world is technology. It is entirely possible to skype into birthday parties, Christmas parties, etc. No, you can't be there in person, but one does not have to miss out entirely in the same way as those that migrated long distances used to, and kids can keep relationships going with regular communication in this fashion. They don't have to be strangers. But parents do have to make it a priority.

 

OP, if you end up in Germany have your family keep an eye on Groupon deals. There are so many flight/hotel/tour combos for German destinations and some of them are super cheap. Just huge deals, way less than what a lot of people spend to go to Disney for 5 days or to the ocean for summer break. The Groupon deal could be used just to get the break on plane tickets and then the family members simply do not show up for the tours/hotels.

[ktgrok]

If Germany was the only way to advance his career, I'd say go. But if staying stateside will do the same thing for his career, like you are saying with the DC move, I think it would end up saving a lot of money (international move is expensive) and keep you closer to family, and mean the one child can keep doing baseball, etc. 

 

Now, IF international school is in the budget, maybe I'd change my mind. 

[Frosch]

We just moved back from Germany.  My teen boys are so happy to be back stateside and near family again.  

Germany was fun, but we lived on a military base and had all the things that they were used to doing.  (Sports, scouts, American food)  I don't think that we would have enjoyed it as much without those things.

We did have to deal with the local medical system and that was much different than what we we were used to.  (It made Army hospitals look like warm and personal places.)

 

And sadly, my mother passed away while we were overseas.  O was the only one who could take time/money to fly home for the funeral.

 

But we didn't have a choice to go or not go thanks to the US Army.  

 

It is expensive to relocate.  You will want to make sure that his job will cover educational expenses and medical coverage.  Car insurance is more expensive and fuel prices are insane.  (If not military, then you won't have fuel ration and will pay economy prices.)

 

On a good note, it was a wonderful opportunity.  We got to see a lot of amazing things.  

[waa510]

The D.C. area has a very high cost of living. Would the D.C. job's pay take that into consideration?

 

 

Please take this into consideration. If DC becomes a possibility, you can pm me for info about more affordable areas and some knowledgeable realtor friends if you're considering buying. 

 

Also, in our experience years ago, our Germany pay was based on DC pay-rates and were almost exactly the same so not sure if weighing pay will work out for you all! 

 

We ultimately chose DC over Germany but my kids were 1 and 3 at the time and we knew they wouldn't remember much and we wouldn't travel all that much as they were so young. While I'm not jazzed about DC by any means, it hasn't been too bad.  The Germany option was a position in Wiesbaden.