S/O Developing resilience in older, slightly anxious, not-particularly-resilient kids?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I started to post about this a bit earlier, but then I stopped. Then Mimm's thread make me look at our issue in a new way, so I thought I'd spin off of it. 

 

Nearly 15 years into parenting, there are a million things I wish I'd done differently. For better or for worse, though, here we are *sigh* And most books on these kinds of topics talk about how to raise kids a certain way--they never seem to address how to help older kids adapt or change.

 

My youngest is naturally a bullheaded, resilient kid who will rise to any situation. My oldest, though...is not. She's a little anxious, a little too worried about what others will think, tends to freeze in situations where quick thought and decision-making are required, tends to opt out entirely if something seems/gets too hard, etc. If you have (or had) that kind of kid, how would you go about helping them become more resilient (possibly without their direct knowledge of your efforts!)? 

 

:lurk5:

[Charlie]

Um... did our twins get separated at birth? You're describing one of my kids to a tee. I wish I knew the answer to your question. My little anxious bunny is off at college now and I do have a hard time thinking of things I did "right." One was a strong sense of self. I think they got that from homeschooling because we could slow down, or stop even, and progress at a pace that worked for them. We did that with everything, not just schoolwork.

 

Also, at home, there's no "wrong" or "right" way to do things, only more or less effective and kind. If something's not effective, it's not "wrong," it's just, not working. If doing something is unkind, you're gonna find out about it. But then you get the chance to fix it (because it's not working, is it?). So I do think that using different vocabulary gave my kids a different narrative to work with, one that hopefully doesn't encourage anxiety as much.

 

Another is being used to therapy. They didn't start therapy until they were in college, but they realized they needed it and it was as natural as finding a dentist.

[PeterPan]

People with anxiety are sort of tricky to handle, because they don't necessarily outgrow it but can't necessarily solve it on their own either.  

 

Honestly, I'd give her a medication, like SAM-e, use some CBT strategies (for how she thinks to herself) and push the envelope a bit. The Amen book has some CBT-type questions they can use for handling thoughts. (Is it true, does thinking that make me feel happy, etc.) And yes, I'd definitely consider some professional counseling if just the SAM-e and books can't get her there. But I know adults debilitated by this and don't really think it's something to just wait on.

Edited February 6, 2017 by OhElizabeth

[Bluegoat]

I was a bit this way as a kid.  I think one thing is really just time.  Having done things once or twice, and finding them super-aniety producing, I realized that they became less so after I knew what to expect.  I try to find out what to expect for things now, or imagine how it will go and visualize it going well, or what I will do if things don't go as planned.

 

But a big part of becoming more calm is just realizing that the emotion is a passing experience.

[Katy]

I wish I could help.  My inclination is that if this is simply part of her personality, it's not likely to change unless she wants it to.

 

Is it getting in her way some how?  It's working to protect her, but is it paralyzing her and interfering in her life?

 

There's nothing inherently wrong with caution as long as it's not so counterproductive she can't do what she wants.

[Critterfixer]

How old is the child? Introverted? Extroverted? 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Hm.  I have a few thoughts, but it would help if you'd give an example.  You say she wouldn't/doesn't rise to the challenge, but has she REALLY been in a situation like that?  She opts out, but is opting out a possible choice?  And if so, I'd argue it might not be the worst way to deal with something.  Who says jumping in bull headedly in face first IS the better way?

 

 

[klmama]

Have you read Mindset by Carol Dweck?  I wonder if the concepts in it might help her. 

[Susan C.]

There are great articles on this on heysigmund.com

 

 

[Anne in CA]

One thing that helped my oldest who was a lot like that were adventures. We did mission trips (really helped), camping, hiking, long trips. Those things made her adapt. She also grew to love travel and travel requires a certain quick thinking that really was very good for her. Just letting such a child live in their comfort zone is not a favor, lol.