Highly Distractable Child-Help, please!

[mykidsrmyjoy]

I'm at my wits' end and need some creative ideas!

 

DD is almost 6 and is sweet as can be. She has a funny, cheerful personality, is often the peacemaker among our 5 children, is usually compliant and easy-going, but she is so easily distracted! I feel like when I give her a chore or instructions to complete something, she has to be reminded so many times before it gets done. Example: one of her chores is to clear the table after breakfast. It took her almost 30 minutes to do that this morning because she kept getting distracted: she needed to go to the potty and got sidetracked on her way back, little brother was doing something interesting and she stopped to investigate, then she decided she was hot and needed to go change her clothes, and oh yeah, while she's in her room she might as well go ahead and dress her dolly for the day. Scenarios like that are repeated all day long. I've tried positive reinforcement, setting timers, discipline, nagging, etc. etc. and nothing seems to help long-term. I could stand over her the whole time but don't really have the time for that with 4 other little ones to look after. She also really doesn't have that much she's required to do, just a few basic chores in the morning and about an 30-45 min. of schoolwork. The rest of her day is mainly play, so I don't feel like I'm requiring too much from her. Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas about helping a child be more focused and sticking with a task? Let me hear them!

[scholastica]

My only suggestion would be to have her evaluated by a qualified professional to determine if she has executive function issues or ADHD. The book Smart but Scattered may help with strategies for dealing with this. It sounds like she needs more scaffolding and they have lots of suggestions.

 

ETA - This also could be normal 6 year old behavior. An evaluation would help you get a handle on the developmentally appropriate level of tasks she should be able to handle.

Edited January 11, 2017 by scholastica

[Guest]

Sounds pretty normal for 6 to me. I would suggest directly overseeing her during these chores. Then when she gets distracted, redirect her. Same as you would with school. You wouldn't stick a six year old alone at a table with a stack of assignments- you'd stay at their elbow intially. I would treat chores like school in this case.

 

I don't think most kids can be left alone like that at six and expected to stay on task. I'm sure there are one or two, but I doubt the vast majority are. Unfortunately I think strict oversight is your best bet until the habit is built.

[zyxwvut]

Is she one of the middle ones?  My middle has a terrible time paying attention and staying on track, and I think it's because she is constantly trying to keep up with the bigger ones.  Since birth, she has been watching and reaching for the next thing.  Sometimes, I think she hardly knows herself because she just copies everything her older sister does. (We are working on that.)  She is so attuned to all the things going on in the room, because that is how she learns, that she really struggles.  

 

I have found isolation to be the most marvelous of things for her.  So, if I need her to clean off the table, then she's the only one in there, and I try to shoo the rest upstairs until she is finished so the auditory distractions don't overwhelm her.  If I need her to do school work, I put her in my room, with the door shut, and turn the fan on.  And, sometimes, just for her, I banish her (nicely) to watch a movie alone, or read a book, or do a project, just so there are zero distractions.

 

The other side of this is true, too, though.  She is a great worker in groups.  She notices the thing that needs done next, and happily goes off to do it.  She is very much about social hierarchy, and happily finds her place and fills her role.  

 

So, you can isolate her, or make everything a group task.  Nothing in the middle works for my middle child, lol.

[zyxwvut]

She also might just need smaller tasks.  One of mine could clean off the table, and wash it, and the chairs at 5.  My current 5 year old cannot.  She is still at the, "Put all the cups by the sink.  Great job!  Now can you get the plates?  Sometimes I like to stack them. Etc" phase.  If that's too exhausting for you, just give her one section of that, and then switch her work to other similar narrow tasks.  

[kbutton]

One little tiny practical thing (I'm with scholastica on this--I have one like you describe, and it's worse, not better at age 9)...help her visualize time in some way and then relate that back to her perception of time. My son has ZERO perception of time. 10 minutes and 40 minutes might as well be the same. If he enjoys something, the time seems very, VERY short, and if he doesn't enjoy it, it seems really long. We recently did a little test. I gave him a task he does well and doesn't hate (but is not a preferred activity). I asked him how long he thought it took (based on say, a TV show of a certain length). He thought it took 15 minutes. It actually took 6 minutes and 31 seconds. Then we set a timer for 6 minutes and 31 seconds for all kinds of stuff to give him an idea of how long 6 minutes and 31 seconds was. We plan to do more of that kind of thing, but just knowing that his perception is off has helped him reconcile a lot of hard stuff in his mind. 

[scholastica]

One little tiny practical thing (I'm with scholastica on this--I have one like you describe, and it's worse, not better at age 9)...help her visualize time in some way and then relate that back to her perception of time. My son has ZERO perception of time. 10 minutes and 40 minutes might as well be the same. If he enjoys something, the time seems very, VERY short, and if he doesn't enjoy it, it seems really long. We recently did a little test. I gave him a task he does well and doesn't hate (but is not a preferred activity). I asked him how long he thought it took (based on say, a TV show of a certain length). He thought it took 15 minutes. It actually took 6 minutes and 31 seconds. Then we set a timer for 6 minutes and 31 seconds for all kinds of stuff to give him an idea of how long 6 minutes and 31 seconds was. We plan to do more of that kind of thing, but just knowing that his perception is off has helped him reconcile a lot of hard stuff in his mind.

That's a great idea!

[VaKim]

Sounds perfectly normal to me. 

[happi duck]

Sounds normal for six.

 

If you want to teach her you do need to be right there.

 

When I taught kindergarten in a public school I had 25-30 students at a time. It's on the teacher to be there for more than one kid at a time.

 

This isn't snark on my part. I hope it's an "a-ha"... that giving several kids what they need when they need it *is* possible.

 

Eta:I'm sorry that I clearly mucked this up.

I *hate* schools having experienced them as a student and a teacher. It is why I opted out of the system.

 

My point in posting is:

Ime, parents often see their kids in separate "lanes" of what they need and forget that it is feasible to work with them as a group. The op said she could be with her DD but is busy with other kids so it reminded me of others, ime, who never thought about thinking in terms of a classroom.

 

Sorry I offended.

 

.

Edited January 11, 2017 by happi duck

[kbutton]

Sounds normal for six.

 

If you want to teach her you do need to be right there.

 

When I taught kindergarten in a public school I had 25-30 students at a time. It's on the teacher to be there for more than one kid at a time.

 

This isn't snark on my part. I hope it's an "a-ha"... that giving several kids what they need when they need it *is* possible.

 

Deleting because happi duck's edit made my concerns totally go away. 

 

 

Edited January 11, 2017 by kbutton

[happi duck]

No snark here either...but that statement makes me want to rip my hair out. It's something that was tangentially discussed last night at a parenting meeting (all parents of kids on IEPs and such).

 

I wanted to say that as a parent of a kid who did school for a while, it's also entirely possible for the teacher to be certain that she/he is there for multiple kids during the day, and a child like this comes home and is utterly lost, completely confused, overwhelmed, and has no idea which end is up...they are just going through the motions well enough to hold it together and the parent is patching it all up at home.

 

Also, school just has so many different parameters than home that this can be true at school and not really apply to home. And again, the child can really be putting on a good front, while the parent finds out at home that the child is really not where the teacher thinks the child is, particularly in EF skills. I had this happen over and over again with my child and school. I also have been a helper in classrooms (not all in a school setting--some at church where there are even fewer demands placed upon a child), and the person in charge (usually very capable and in control, often a teacher by profession) thinks things are fine, and it's not fine--it's simply not chaotic or blowing up in anyone's face. That's in real time, not a delayed thing where the kid gets home and then you see holes in skills.

 

Likewise, I am sure that there are some classroom-specific skills that my child would no longer possess were I to put him back in school, and I would need to be aware that the teacher might see those things when I cannot.

 

Basically, I am not entirely sure what your comment has to do with the OP's question except to make her feel less capable. I really don't think you mean to do that, but I know I would be reading this as the OP and dying a little on the inside.

 

I am not calling you out, happi duck--I just don't want anyone reading this to feel "less" because they can't necessarily "be there" for multiple kids successfully.

 

I've been on the parent-end of a judgment in this regard, so sorry if my slip is showing a bit.

Sorry I offended you. I did edit my post to try and explain better. I was afraid about posting, hence the plea to not "hear" snark. I failed.

 

Not every teacher is great and not every kid flourishes in a large group.

 

Other people have had an "aha" moment when they consider classrooms, daycares, camps etc. and that was my point.

 

I am really sorry.

[mykidsrmyjoy]

Thanks for all the replies. I think I need to be reminded that this is probably normal behavior for a 6 year old and work on lowering my expectations a bit. She's our second child; first child has always been advanced and could easily follow multi-step instructions at a much younger age. I think too often I compare DD2 to DD1 and get frustrated when DD2 isn't on the same level of responsibility.

[kbutton]

Sorry I offended you. I did edit my post to try and explain better. I was afraid about posting, hence the plea to not "hear" snark. I failed.

 

Not every teacher is great and not every kid flourishes in a large group.

 

Other people have had an "aha" moment when they consider classrooms, daycares, camps etc. and that was my point.

 

I am really sorry.

 

Not at all offended...just wary that the statement would hit someone else's sore spot. 

 

Your clarification makes sense, and I don't think you need to apologize to me at all. I didn't think your remark was snarky or offensive, just confusing and potentially distressing to someone else.

 

I would have kept my original post short, but I wanted to clarify why I found it distressing vs. offensive. I really hope I haven't offended you back--I was just a little distressed reading it, not offended. 

 

I did edit my post because your edits make total sense, and I do think that with the additional context, it s a really helpful reference point. My comments are then totally unnecessary.

 

It was not at all what I thought you might be driving at, but now I get where you are going. 

[PeterPan]

Yeah, as the parent of two kids with ADHD, to me that behavior sounds pretty normal and reasonable for a 5 yo. If your oldest is closer to 7, it's skewing your expectations. You're probably going to need group activities (everyone doing the same thing, a contest), music, motivators, smaller tasks, etc. Kids are entropy in action. You're constantly fighting the disorder and tendency to disarray. If you have a lot of littles close in age, you're going to have that even moreso.

 

They *will* diagnose ADHD at newly 6 or even a little younger, sure. They don't *like* to do it too soon, because it can be incorrect. At this age the behaviors can overlap with age-typical behaviors. I would expect to see the behaviors in multiple environments, and I would expect to see them even when she's TRYING to focus and trying to work. Like what are her habits when she sits down to do her school work? That should be pretty telling. 

 

Just for comparison, my dd, now 17, at that age was pretty challenging to work with. She's diagnosed ADHD-inattentive. At that age, typical school for us was with a timer, trying to go for 6 minutes or 10 minutes, something really brief, and then she'd need a break to go run laps. So we'd do something, run laps, do something more, run laps. Literally, she was running around the house, around the dining table, something, anything. She could sit in church, but if you weren't careful with her as a toddler she'd crawl off. She was never still for read alouds, so she'd be playing in the yard or standing or moving. 

 

My ds, who is diagnosed ADHD combined type with bonus ASD and SLDs, is 10X harder to work with. Actually he's even harder than that, but who's counting? Like he literally wouldn't even be in his seat. Like he was there and then POOF. And yet when he's still, he's very still. The first psych said ADHD-inattentive, and we just laughed. This dc can play Catan for 3-4 hours. Like adult Catan. And he was doing this at 5 and 6! But to watch tv? Well he would hardly sit for tv for many years. He might for a few minutes, then he'd just walk away. He'd ask for shows and walk away. So like to watch Mr. Rogers or something normal for that age? Nope. He'd go be in motion. He does tons with sports, and you'll find a lot of kids who are doing a *lot* of sports (and the coaches) are ADHD. ;)

 

Those are examples where the kids with ADHD are *trying* to do normal, everyday, discrete, typical activities, and they can't. But just that sort of flitting and immaturity, really it sounds so normal for the age. I would use a picture checklist. Put it on a little flip ring on her wrist with a little lanyard or something. Give her some structure. I mean, sure, maybe ADHD. There are a lot of people with ADHD who are pretty functional and vibrant. She sounds really happy. So I would up the structure. Clear expectations, a plan, check-in points, easy for her to see the plan and know the plan. At least for my kids "clear the table" would be a pretty big task. Like my eyes bugged out when I read that. I don't know what it involves, but it kinda sounds mature. And if she was overwhelmed, she may have wanted to escape. Now it's true my ds7 does unload a dishwasher. He doesn't load too well. Silverware and glasses are fine for him to load. Why aren't your kids ridding their own dishes? I don't know, sort of an odd activity to me. Maybe do buddies and have the buddy work with the older. It will help keep the older on track. It will still be entropy, but that's just the challenging of having a lot of close kids.

 

I'm not saying use these, but it's just sort of a picture. Although it says autism on the blog, visual schedules are a standard technique for ADHD as well.

Visual Tools - Victories 'N Autism

 

Unfortunately, the standard truth applies that you do the activity together and fade your supports as she's able to do it independently. It's not typical to be able to assign something without walking them through doing it together first. 

 

You might start a thread and ask how moms of many or moms with kids close in age handle morning routines. They probably have some tricks. 

 

Fwiw, you can't go wrong using techniques for ADHD. Like even if it's not, you're just talking techniques for structure, routine, accountability. Structure is your big buzzword. You wouldn't go wrong doing a little work on working memory. There's an elementary Executive Functions Training Workbook by Linguisystems, if you want some ideas. It certainly won't hurt anything. If one of the parents is ADHD, it's entirely probable some of the kids will have ADHD. You could even give her a *small* amount of caffeine (and I do mean SMALL) to see what happens. For my ds at his weight, the caffeine in 1/2 of an Energem is the amount that (according to some article I read online) is enough to improve his ADHD slightly without having an overall stimulating effect. For an older dc, like my dd when we tried this at 16, that amount worked out to be basically 1 NoDoze tablet, iirc. Like just a very, very small amount, not loads of coffee or large amounts. So even something small, like just having some nice chocolate milk for breakfast with a banana (yum!) can be just enough caffeine to take the edge off it. Then you can go oh yeah I see the caffeine flip, or no I don't, kwim? Like to me, that's not unethical to try. They're sort of in-between things people try when they're flirting with the ADHD idea and trying to decide how to handle it.

 

Edited January 12, 2017 by OhElizabeth

[kiwik]

It really sounds normal.

[Melissa in Australia]

Just 2 days ago I made chores charts with movable clip art pictures for the younger three. All the pictures start out in the to Do section and after they have done them they shift them to the finished section. The only reward is the shifting of the pictures. The kids are really excited and check the chart several times a day to see if there is something they can do to shift another picture. It is working really well.

Edited January 12, 2017 by Melissa in Australia