ugh... Another what to do about Thanksgiving invites...

[PrincessMommy]

So I'm hosting Thankgsiving.  It started with my daughter asking if a friend of hers from Church could come.  She can't go home and she's new to the area.  No problem, she's a sweet girl and one more won't break us.

 

Then my sister and her family are coming last minute.  It's always an open invitation, but it's last-min because of her husband's family. 

 

I invited some other friends from church who also have family far away. 

 

Anyway, this friend asked if she could invite another friend of hers. 

 

The thing is: I've met this lady.  It was one of those experiences where you can tell right away they don't like you.  It's almost as if she decided she wouldn't like me before she even met me...I mean as soon as she opened the door I could sense this distain/dislike.  She proceeded to spend the evening (yes, I had to spend an evening with her) telling me why her whole family hates her, even though she cared for her parents (who also hated her) through their illnesses and death.   There was a lot of "my life is worse than your life." kind of innuendos.  I ended up listening to a lot of distain for anyone and anything... "they don't like the way I'm driving... well F**%*& them." ,  "This person doesn't like what I say, I don't give a F*(&*&^" .    It was all done in a condescending way that seemed to want to convey to me that she didn't really like me either.  Interrupting me, etc.  At the time my attitude was "Whatever."  I only have to deal with her for a few hours and then probably never see her again. But it was a long, miserable evening.

 

I've seen her on my friend's FB page and she's pretty vocal in an obnoxious, foul-mouthed way.  I'm not a fan of this (she was pretty foul-mouthed when I first met her, but not horribly so). 

 

This Thanksgiving group is going to be very mixed and I've had a couple of kids ask me to please put a ban on political discussions.  Honestly, for this group, it's a good idea.  We've got people on both sides with strong, strong feelings.  I don't want to play referee.  But, this woman has already conveyed to me that she never plays by the rules and doesn't care what people think of her.

 

So, no, I don't want to invite her.  But I feel like a hypocritical jerk.  She's got no family in the area either.

 

 I have a large family, so having one more person isn't the issue...it's THIS person.  How do you politely say no *this* one more person??!

 

God, I hate Thanksgiving. 

Edited November 20, 2016 by PrincessMommy

[prairiewindmomma]

I would just tell your friend that you already have a full house with already invited guests. Your friend is welcome to join you if she would still like to, but not the +1.

[Seasider]

I would just tell your friend that you already have a full house with already invited guests. Your friend is welcome to join you if she would still like to, but not the +1.

If she's truly as difficult as you describe, the friend in the middle might actually be relieved that you say no.

[zoobie]

I agree. I'd say you are unable to accommodate more guests.

 

If the friend decides she really wants to be with the difficult person, they can make their own plans. 

[Jenn in FL]

Boundaries...my dear.

 

Gently, the friend who asked to bring along  *the difficult personality* also has the option of going out to Thanksgiving dinner with this person.  You should feel no obligation to bring distress or discomfort to you or any of your previously invited guests.  You are trying to host a lovely Thanksgiving dinner.  Be kind to yourself as well.

 

This is a choice that you are well within your rights to make.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[xixstar]

Please say no. You deserve a nice holiday. You're not responsible for everyone else's holiday. Your friend can choose to come without her or change her plans.

 

Oh and I would totally tell my friend that I don't enjoy this person's company and am unwilling to extend my invitation. But I am often a little too honest. ;)

Edited November 20, 2016 by xixstar

[PrincessMommy]

Thank you guys.

 

I grew up in a family with no boundaries.  It made Thanksgiving/Christmas kind of miserable on a regular basis, actually.   It also makes me feel tremendously guilty when I say no based on personal preferences.

 

I sent a text back saying it wouldn't work out for her to come.

 

 

 

 

[Jenn in FL]

Thank you guys.

 

I grew up in a family with no boundaries.  It made Thanksgiving/Christmas kind of miserable on a regular basis, actually.   It also makes me feel tremendously guilty when I say no based on personal preferences.

 

I sent a text back saying it wouldn't work out for her to come.

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I am so proud of you and so delighted that you did what YOU wanted to do!   :party:

 

Feel empowered, feel elated, feel relieved, feel anything, but guilty!

 

Bravo!  Well played.

 

ETA: Do not engage in text negotiation if it should arise.  A simple, "I am sorry, but that will not work." is sufficient.

Edited November 20, 2016 by Jenn in FL

[gardenmom5]

So I'm hosting Thankgsiving.  It started with my daughter asking if a friend of hers from Church could come.  

 

Then my sister and her family are coming last minute.  It's always an open invitation, 

 

I invited some other friends from church who also have family far away. 

 

Anyway, this friend asked if she could invite another friend of hers. 

 

 

So, no, I don't want to invite her.  But I feel like a hypocritical jerk.

 

 I have a large family, so having one more person isn't the issue...it's THIS person.  How do you politely say no *this* one more person??!

 

God, I hate Thanksgiving. 

 

 

first YOU are not being a hypocritical jerk.  you are opening your home, you have a right to say who is invited to *your* home. (and who isn't.)

 

to the friend who invited  the third person - so sorry, that wont' work.  you do NOT owe any explanation as to why it won't work.  it just won't.

 

if the friend then proclaims they won't come if you don't bend - tell them so sorry, we'll miss you, and to have a nice time.  (and don't bend.)

 

I've btdt.  the worst was dh's niece bringing two friends.  (who had other places they could have gone.)  I learned about it when they got here.  It totally screwed up my count for close to 30 people, every place had people, and my son was not aware every one else was eating.  fury at my (narcissistic) sil for allowing her dd to invite a friend was high.

 

at least when dh's nephew (very obnoxious, and loves extreme political discussions) asked us first if he could invite another family.  dh didn't answer him - so he took it as permission and invited his friends anyway.  I made dh let his nephew know that wouldn't work for us and they couldn't come.  his mother, my (other) sil threw a fit about how they just wouldn't come to our house for thanksgiving and would have their own.  fine, have a nice time.  they all came to my house - without their friends.

 

 

eta: I came to hate thanksgiving too.  we hosted dh's family for 25 years.  it caused much tension  every year, until finally dh was able to see why the rest of us were complaining.

Edited November 20, 2016 by gardenmom5

[fraidycat]

Thank you guys.

 

I grew up in a family with no boundaries. It made Thanksgiving/Christmas kind of miserable on a regular basis, actually. It also makes me feel tremendously guilty when I say no based on personal preferences.

I sent a text back saying it wouldn't work out for her to come.

Fantastic!!!

 

Give yourself a giant high five for sticking up for yourself!

 

Then, this Thanksgiving, be thankful that you are respectful enough of yourself and your family and friends to not have a Debbie Downer at your gathering who is NOT respectful of anyone else.

 

It's not wrong to respect yourself.

 

Seriously. Clap your hands together high over your head. High fives!!

 

:)

 

And don't cave. No is a complete sentence. If your friend tries to guilt you because DebbieD has nowhere else to go - just remember there is a reason she is not invited elsewhere by people who are part of her social circle.

Edited November 21, 2016 by fraidycat

[Anne in CA]

I am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself. I am sure all your guests would LOVE you for it if they knew the bullet you just dodged for them.

[Reefgazer]

"Sorry, we are just choked to the rafters with guests and are having a hard time accommodating our large group as it is."

So I'm hosting Thankgsiving.  It started with my daughter asking if a friend of hers from Church could come.  She can't go home and she's new to the area.  No problem, she's a sweet girl and one more won't break us.

 

Then my sister and her family are coming last minute.  It's always an open invitation, but it's last-min because of her husband's family. 

 

I invited some other friends from church who also have family far away. 

 

Anyway, this friend asked if she could invite another friend of hers. 

 

The thing is: I've met this lady.  It was one of those experiences where you can tell right away they don't like you.  It's almost as if she decided she wouldn't like me before she even met me...I mean as soon as she opened the door I could sense this distain/dislike.  She proceeded to spend the evening (yes, I had to spend an evening with her) telling me why her whole family hates her, even though she cared for her parents (who also hated her) through their illnesses and death.   There was a lot of "my life is worse than your life." kind of innuendos.  I ended up listening to a lot of distain for anyone and anything... "they don't like the way I'm driving... well F**%*& them." ,  "This person doesn't like what I say, I don't give a F*(&*&^" .    It was all done in a condescending way that seemed to want to convey to me that she didn't really like me either.  Interrupting me, etc.  At the time my attitude was "Whatever."  I only have to deal with her for a few hours and then probably never see her again. But it was a long, miserable evening.

 

I've seen her on my friend's FB page and she's pretty vocal in an obnoxious, foul-mouthed way.  I'm not a fan of this (she was pretty foul-mouthed when I first met her, but not horribly so). 

 

This Thanksgiving group is going to be very mixed and I've had a couple of kids ask me to please put a ban on political discussions.  Honestly, for this group, it's a good idea.  We've got people on both sides with strong, strong feelings.  I don't want to play referee.  But, this woman has already conveyed to me that she never plays by the rules and doesn't care what people think of her.

 

So, no, I don't want to invite her.  But I feel like a hypocritical jerk.  She's got no family in the area either.

 

 I have a large family, so having one more person isn't the issue...it's THIS person.  How do you politely say no *this* one more person??!

 

God, I hate Thanksgiving.