Please help me feel confident that I can do this

[DragonFaerie]

DS was homeschooled up until last year when I decided to send him to PS due to his poor attitude about doing his school work.  He did okay at PS but not great.  His grades were not as good as when he was at home, he got into some trouble (nothing major but did have a couple of ISS days), and towards the end of the school year, he started having problems with being bullied.  He really wants to come home again this year for 8th grade, and he swears things will be different with his attitude. 

 

I really, REALLY want to let him homeschool again because I think it is better for him.  But here's my dilemma.  I teach at two different colleges.  Right now, I have seven classes to teach this fall, and there could be another one added to that.  The most I've taught before in one term was five, so this is a heavier load.  My schedule is great because two of those classes are online and two more of them are hybrids (only an hour in the classroom each week), so a lot of my work can and will be done from home (DS is old enough to stay home alone with no problem when I have to go teach, so that's not an issue). My concern is with being able to manage teaching him and keeping up with his work/assignments and whether he's doing the work/assignments, etc.while also managing a heavy course load and over 100 students already.

 

I'm a single mom, so I don't have any spouse to help, and the reason I'm teaching so many classes is because money is a real problem (so outsourcing classes for DS is not an option). I guess what I'm looking for is commiseration, reassurances that I can do this, maybe some suggestions for how to make it work, and/or advice from those who have BTDT.  Please don't tell me it's impossible.  It would be easy for me to tell him no and leave him in school, but I really don't think that's what is best for him.  I really feel like I need to make this work.  I'm just scared it's going to be too much.

 

 

 

Editing for clarity: I don't guess I was very clear in my original post as a lot of the focus has been on taking my son to campus with me, which is not an option.  Most of my work will be done online from home, so I will only be gone for part of two days each week.  My not being home is not the problem.  My concern is the amount of work I am going to have and adding him into the mix.  

Edited July 17, 2016 by DragonFaerie

[regentrude]

First of all, my hat is off to you - seven classes is an insane load. I am sorry the pay is such that you have to take on that much.

 

You can do it - if your son is on board with the decision. It is impossible to homeschool a teen against his will, even more so with a working parent, but if he wants to make it work, you can.

I work and homeschool, and it was always the deal with my kids that hsing only works as long as they cooperate around my job.

I have sometimes taken the kids to work with me so I could interact with them briefly between classes; they still had to work independently, but I was able to redirect, give new tasks, help with a quick question.

I am not using scripted curriculum and use a mix of eclectic materials my students can chose from. Lots of stuff they can do independently.

I have to run, can write more later, but wanted to pop in and let you know you can do this!

[DragonFaerie]

Thanks, regentrude.  I appreciate the encouragement. :-)

[Sahamamama]

A few thoughts, I hope they are encouraging: :grouphug:

 

Have you considered establishing a homeschool contract with your son? Clear expectations in writing, clear consequences in writing? If this, then that. If not this, then not that.

 

Have you determined your policy with your son regarding all electronics during "school work hours," including when you are not at home? Do you have parental controls on all electronics your son has access to?

 

Have you determined your policy with your son regarding leaving the house and/or having guests in the house when you are not at home?

 

Have you decided exactly what will constitute the workload for his 8th grade year? For each subject? How will he know when he is done with the work? How will you know? Perhaps, if you can point to a pile of work and say, "This is going to be your 8th grade work if you are homeschooled," then he will understand what he is signing up for (literally) and not have solid ground for arguing with you. The last thing you want this year, with that kind of teaching load, is an arguing, unmotivated, manipulative whiner at home. Sorry, I'm not trying to poorly characterize your son, but with his track record, if you take him on as a student at home, you also know what you are signing yourself up for. From what you said, it seems he doesn't want to work too hard. Well, you can't take on his part of the load, nor let his attitude and behavior drain you from the important work of making a living and sustaining a family. His work must be his work, so spelling it out in great detail upfront is, I think, the best approach.

 

Have you considered minimizing the financial and logistical load with fewer pets? I know, none of my business, and we love our critters here, but... they are an expense and sometimes a load. If I had to choose between one thing or another... I don't know. That's a tough one.

 

Have you figured out which of those seven classes will probably have the greatest workload (or be the least convenient), in case you need to drop one class? Have you ranked the jobs, in order of priority?

 

Have you pared down your outside obligations to as few as possible?

 

Have you left a little margin in your lives, financially, emotionally, and energy-wise, in case of emergencies or illnesses?

 

Have you gathered around yourselves any support system that could help out in some way for just this one year, even if it's just one day or part of a day per week? Is there a neighbor, pastor, friend, or relative he could call in an emergency?

 

Do you have a set of lost-cost, healthy, nutritious, super-easy meals that your son and/or daughter can help to put on the table?

 

Do you have a system for sharing with your children the household chores, meal prep, laundry, pet care, and organization?

 

Do you know of any resources that might be available through one of your employers, such as on-campus tutoring, low-cost tutoring by a student, or some other possible program for your son?

 

Have you discussed with your son his goals for his life? Do you know what motivates him? Do you think that traditional schools are possibly a poor fit for him, but perhaps another type of schooling (besides homeschooling) might also work? Is there a third alternative?

 

HTH.

[DragonFaerie]

Sahamamama, thank you so very much for your thoughtful post.  I won't go through all of your questions, but the answers to most of them are yes.  Many of those things are non-issues and/or we already have plans, rules, etc. in place. Your suggestions for having a serious discussion with my son about what exactly I will expect from him are good ones.  We have discussed it before, and he was homeschooled from first through sixth grades, so he does know how our homeschool works, but reiterating this for him is a good idea.

[Rosie_0801]

Can he do his work in your office or the college library? It's easier to stay on task when mostly everyone else around is studying too.

 

Best of luck.  :grouphug:

[Julie of KY]

You can do this IF your son is on board and ready to do a lot of independent learning. Good luck, it sounds like a busy year.

[stlily]

Hi there,

 

First I want to say that I agree with the other moms, you can do this.  In my personal opinion, I think bringing your son home would be the best thing, not the easiest, but the best. He obviously needs discipline but, take courage, all children need discipline.  Children push back about everything at this age.  Your son is resisting your demands, expectations, rules, etc. because that's what kids do at this age, not because you're a bad mom or failing in some way. I'm not divorced, but I can image that guilt would affect my parenting at times.  There have been many times where guilt or fear have clouded my judgement and led me to make less that wise parenting decisions.  But give yourself grace. We're all right there with you, falling and getting back up again, feeling fear and doubt and moving forward anyway.  You're doing a good job.  That's why you're asking for help and encouragement here on this forum.  That's what wise and loving mothers do.  They ask for help when they need it.  You're doing the right thing.  You're doing a good job.  You're son, all of our children, will recognize it and acknowledge it some day.

 

Now to the more practical advice.  You're son does need to take ownership of his education but he still may need help with some of his subjects.  I would suggest you give him choices when possible.  "Do you want to study this period of history or that one?  Do want to work on writing Monday, Wednesday and Friday or Tuesday and Thursday."  Then explain the non-negotiables.

 

There is a podcast by Susan Wise Bauer called "Teaching Students to Work Independently". You can find it here https://peacehillpress.com/c/resources-for-parents/audio-workshops/

Learning to work independently and learning to take ownership of their education is something that needs to be taught which means it's something that can be taught. Hopefully this encouraged you.  God bless you, homeschool mama. You're doing a great job!

 

 

[DragonFaerie]

Can he do his work in your office or the college library? It's easier to stay on task when mostly everyone else around is studying too.

 

Best of luck.  :grouphug:

 

Sadly, no.  I'm an adjunct, so I have no office, and the two days where my classes will keep me out of the house the most are way too long to have him sitting in the library (which is in a different building from where I teach). He doesn't have the maturity to hang around a college campus on his own.

[DragonFaerie]

Hi there,

 

First I want to say that I agree with the other moms, you can do this.  In my personal opinion, I think bringing your son home would be the best thing, not the easiest, but the best. He obviously needs discipline but, take courage, all children need discipline.  Children push back about everything at this age.  Your son is resisting your demands, expectations, rules, etc. because that's what kids do at this age, not because you're a bad mom or failing in some way. I'm not divorced, but I can image that guilt would affect my parenting at times.  There have been many times where guilt or fear have clouded my judgement and led me to make less that wise parenting decisions.  But give yourself grace. We're all right there with you, falling and getting back up again, feeling fear and doubt and moving forward anyway.  You're doing a good job.  That's why you're asking for help and encouragement here on this forum.  That's what wise and loving mothers do.  They ask for help when they need it.  You're doing the right thing.  You're doing a good job.  You're son, all of our children, will recognize it and acknowledge it some day.

 

Now to the more practical advice.  You're son does need to take ownership of his education but he still may need help with some of his subjects.  I would suggest you give him choices when possible.  "Do you want to study this period of history or that one?  Do want to work on writing Monday, Wednesday and Friday or Tuesday and Thursday."  Then explain the non-negotiables.

 

There is a podcast by Susan Wise Bauer called "Teaching Students to Work Independently". You can find it here https://peacehillpress.com/c/resources-for-parents/audio-workshops/

Learning to work independently and learning to take ownership of their education is something that needs to be taught which means it's something that can be taught. Hopefully this encouraged you.  God bless you, homeschool mama. You're doing a great job!

 

stlily, thank you so much for this!  This is the sweetest post, and I really appreciate it. Thankfully, I have worked towards having both my kids work independently for years, so we've got a head start in that area. But you're right. He doesn't really take ownership of his education. He'll do what's on his list for the day....eventually. But he doesn't much care how he does it, if it's done correctly, neatly, etc. That's what I really need him to get better about. Up until last year, it didn't matter how much I reinforced, made him do thing over again, etc., he still only cared about getting through it rather than really applying himself and learning. Now, in his defense, it has been a year since we homeschooled, and he insists "I'm 13 now. I'll do better."  I think the talk I need to have with him is about just that, applying himself and caring that the work is done well rather than just checking the next thing off the list. 

[regentrude]

Sadly, no.  I'm an adjunct, so I have no office, and the two days where my classes will keep me out of the house the most are way too long to have him sitting in the library (which is in a different building from where I teach). He doesn't have the maturity to hang around a college campus on his own.

 

I would suggest you rethink this. I found that on my long days, it was too long to leave my kids at home.

The advantage of the library is that there are no distractions and that he will have little choice but focus on school work.

Could you meet him for lunch, or do you have classes back to back and don't get a break at all?

What do you mean he doesn't have the maturity? What are you concerned about? I have a hard time understanding what you could mean, because I am used to 12 y/olds moving independently on public transit across a city, or biking unsupervised through town - so sitting in a campus library and maybe wandering to the student union to get a snack strikes me as a very simple scenario that I would expect a younger child to be able to handle. Maybe he just needs to get used to this? or is your campus really dangerously unsafe?

 

Another thought: would any of your classes be suitable for him to sit in? I had each of my kids take my easier physics course in 9th grade; they came to class and did all the work, just were not formally enrolled.

Edited July 15, 2016 by regentrude

[G5052]

Similar situation here, although now I'm 100% online. I have one graduate and one 12th grader.  I also took mine to the college and had them sit in class doing their work for some time. My department head and dean were both OK with that then, although they've gotten more strict about that. My department head (very pro-homeschooling) also allowed them to sit in her office with the door locked when they were young teens and had proved that they were responsible.

 

Several tips:

 

Mine had an hour-by-hour grid of what they were supposed to be doing when they were in middle school. Of course I was flexible, but I expected them to be on task at certain times. This was set up taking into account their preferences. Both are not morning people, so they had some free time first thing and then got to work around 9:30 or so. At they got older, and they got better at managing their time, I dropped the grid.

 

I tried to have breakfast with them every day to go over what they were doing. Then Fridays I checked their work as a whole.

 

You're going to have to accept a certain level of organization and tight scheduling.

 

This last year I had a weekly spreadsheet of where everyone was at every hour of the day because I was sharing a vehicle with my oldest who was commuting to college locally. He also had two surgeries and many months of PT during the school year, so it was quite a juggling act even if he mostly drove himself. Thankfully we're in the process of getting him his own vehicle. 

 

I have prioritized to-do lists for each day. I work out my menus and shop once a week. Both of my DC are capable of doing basic dinner prep. I use the crock pot a lot and have them do noodles/rice and make a salad while I'm working.

[DragonFaerie]

Similar situation here, although now I'm 100% online. I have one graduate and one 12th grader.  I also took mine to the college and had them sit in class doing their work for some time. My department head and dean were both OK with that then, although they've gotten more strict about that. My department head (very pro-homeschooling) also allowed them to sit in her office with the door locked when they were young teens and had proved that they were responsible.

 

Several tips:

 

Mine had an hour-by-hour grid of what they were supposed to be doing when they were in middle school. Of course I was flexible, but I expected them to be on task at certain times. This was set up taking into account their preferences. Both are not morning people, so they had some free time first thing and then got to work around 9:30 or so. At they got older, and they got better at managing their time, I dropped the grid.

 

I tried to have breakfast with them every day to go over what they were doing. Then Fridays I checked their work as a whole.

 

You're going to have to accept a certain level of organization and tight scheduling.

 

This last year I had a weekly spreadsheet of where everyone was at every hour of the day because I was sharing a vehicle with my oldest who was commuting to college locally. He also had two surgeries and many months of PT during the school year, so it was quite a juggling act even if he mostly drove himself. Thankfully we're in the process of getting him his own vehicle. 

 

I have prioritized to-do lists for each day. I work out my menus and shop once a week. Both of my DC are capable of doing basic dinner prep. I use the crock pot a lot and have them do noodles/rice and make a salad while I'm working.

 

 

I am very, VERY organized, almost to a fault. We use a weekly checklist for homeschool that is broken down into days, so DS knows exactly what he is supposed to finish each and every day as well as being able to see the week as a whole. The problem has always been that he dawdles and is an excellent procrastinator, especially when he doesn't want to do something. In the past, I have always had to really stay on him to get his work done, constantly hovering over his shoulder, reminding him to stay focused, etc. I won't be able to do that now, and that is what has me concerned. 

[katilac]

I would suggest you rethink this. I found that on my long days, it was too long to leave my kids at home.

The advantage of the library is that there are no distractions and that he will have little choice but focus on school work.

Could you meet him for lunch, or do you have classes back to back and don't get a break at all?

What do you mean he doesn't have the maturity? What are you concerned about? I have a hard time understanding what you could mean, because I am used to 12 y/olds moving independently on public transit across a city, or biking unsupervised through town - so sitting in a campus library and maybe wandering to the student union to get a snack strikes me as a very simple scenario that I would expect a younger child to be able to handle. Maybe he just needs to get used to this? or is your campus really dangerously unsafe?

 

Another thought: would any of your classes be suitable for him to sit in? I had each of my kids take my easier physics course in 9th grade; they came to class and did all the work, just were not formally enrolled.

 

Good points here. The very act of 'going to school' may put him in a good frame of mind. I would definitely be checking in with him several times a day, even if he was home, and having him on campus increases the chances of checking in with him in person. 

 

If he could sit in on one of your classes (or a colleague's?), that would probably be great. He doesn't have to be fully working at that level to get something out of it. Or, he could just be doing his own work in your class, I know some teachers who have their kids do that. Just put him to the back of the room, with noise-blocking headphones if needed. 

 

I am very, VERY organized, almost to a fault. We use a weekly checklist for homeschool that is broken down into days, so DS knows exactly what he is supposed to finish each and every day as well as being able to see the week as a whole. The problem has always been that he dawdles and is an excellent procrastinator, especially when he doesn't want to do something. In the past, I have always had to really stay on him to get his work done, constantly hovering over his shoulder, reminding him to stay focused, etc. I won't be able to do that now, and that is what has me concerned. 

 

A year really can make a difference in maturity, plus he has the motivation of not wanting to go to school. But, particularly with these issues in the past, I would really want him to be at school with me if possible. Another bonus is that drive time can be put to use: listen to and discuss audio lectures and books, review foreign language vocabulary, go over his checklist verbally, and so on. 

 

Also, can you give things a bit of a trial run by starting him on one or two subjects? You can look for snags in the process, and any work done now makes the school year easier. 

 

Given the situation (teacher with little time, student with less-than-ideal focus and work habits), I think you might need to go somewhat workbook-ish for his main spines, hopefully supplementing with more engaging and enriching activities. You need things that teach to the student and that can be graded quickly. 

 

I'll list some programs that fit this criteria, and maybe others can chime in: 

 

*Math - Saxon, not the cheapest new but usually easy to find used.

 

*English - Growing with Grammar and their companion books on writing, spelling and vocabulary. Again, not the cheapest, but we found the grammar to be very effective and very easy to both use and grade. I haven't personally used the others. A lot of the remaining English could be covered via audiobooks, lectures, and discussion in the car if you go that route. 

 

*Science - I never found anything I loved for the elementary or middle grades. A workbook science like Spectrum is cheap, easy to use, easy to grade, and gets some of the basic information covered. 

 

*History - The Well Trained Mind has a good template for history studies, and you would mainly have to check that he is indeed filling in his binders on a regular basis, using complete sentences that make sense, and so on. He could do this verbally with you, maybe twice a week (although I'd still look at the book as well). You would see what he has done, he has the chance to talk about his work (it's tough to work hard when it feels like no one sees it), and you can see what he is excited about and maybe look for a documentary or such. 

 

Audiobooks and discussion can cover a good amount of history as well, along with lectures and documentaries. 

 

*MOOC classes - I likely wouldn't use these as the main component of a core class because it will be hard to supervise, but they can be a nice addition if he is interested. Again, maybe have a binder where he takes notes and does assignments, and you can look it over a couple of times a week.

 

I'd focus more on getting him into the rhythm of regular work than on grading the work in detail.  I would pick just a few key assignments in content subjects to put a lot of effort into completing and grading. For example, when dds and I covered Dante's Inferno, we did most of it together, reading and discussing orally, they didn't have numerous written assignments. Instead, they did just a couple of bigger written assignments (writing their own levels of hell, plus another I can't recall). They had a high level of enthusiasm and engagement and really enjoyed the assignments, I think partially because they were not burnt out when we got to them. 

 

If both money and time are short, you need to make sure you take advantage of all possible resources. 

 

Your school - can he informally sit in on any classes? Do they host interesting talks and lectures?  

 

Your public library - mine is a goldmine, I hope yours is the same! They offer an abundance of free online resources: live tutoring in all subjects, test prep, foreign language programs, essay feedback (you email and they review and return in a couple of days), skills practice. They are now streaming quite a few Great Courses via the Hoopla service, which makes me very happy. 

 

Khan Academy, MOOCs, PBS and the History Channel have teacher resources to go with many programs, Annenberg Learner, NASA . . . 

 

When you have an idea of what subjects he will take, let us know, and maybe we can recommend specific resources. 

[DragonFaerie]

katilac, thank you so much for your post.  Very helpful and informative. I'll definitely check into some of your suggestions.

[freesia]

I'll just add to the voices saying that staying home that long alone may not be a great idea. My ds at 13/14 got LESS done when I was out at that age, than he did when he was younger--particularly if he had access to a computer (whether the internet was on or not). It was a real low point and I had to start monitoring him more than I ever had. So, with a child who you already had to "ride", I can see it starting fine and devolving by Christmas. So, I agree, take him with you, have a clear schedule, check in and have clear consequences. And, by all means have him make up any not done work that evening or over the weekend--don't let it accumulate!

[DragonFaerie]

I don't guess I was very clear in my original post as a lot of the focus has been on taking my son to campus with me, which is not an option.  Most of my work will be done online from home, so I will only be gone for part of two days each week.  My not being home is not the problem.  My concern is the amount of work I am going to have and adding him into the mix.  

 

I really appreciate everyone's suggestions, though.  Thank you all so much for your advice and suggestions.

[OneStepAtATime]

Is your son an introvert or an extrovert?

 

Is he very social?  

 

Also, since it is a struggle for him to stay on task might he have executive function issues?  

 

I ask because if he is social/an extrovert it may be very hard for him to stay focused and on task without external interaction.  Isolation can also cause depression.  I find myself really struggling with completing tasks if I am alone too long.  I do much better if I have interaction with others, things that are scheduled where I interact with other people, where there is discussion, etc.  My son is the same way, and just interacting with Mom is not enough.  I don't mean hours and hours at a public school, I mean daily periodic discussion and interaction.

 

Also, if he is weak with EF skills then while lists may help he may also need more.  The books Smart but Scattered and ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life might help you help him.  Since you are so organized and this seems to come naturally to you it may be harder for you to see where his struggles are originating from and it may appear that he is lazy or unmotivated when in fact it is possibly more neurologically based.  You may need a different approach to help him help himself.

 

Good luck and best wishes.  

Edited July 17, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[DragonFaerie]

Is your son an introvert or an extrovert?

 

Is he very social?  

 

Also, since it is a struggle for him to stay on task might he have executive function issues?  

 

I ask because if he is social/an extrovert it may be very hard for him to stay focused and on task without external interaction.  Isolation can also cause depression.  I find myself really struggling with completing tasks if I am alone too long.  I do much better if I have interaction with others, things that are scheduled where I interact with other people, where there is discussion, etc.  My son is the same way, and just interacting with Mom is not enough.  I don't mean hours and hours at a public school, I mean daily periodic discussion and interaction.

 

Also, if he is weak with EF skills then while lists may help he may also need more.  The books Smart but Scattered and ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life might help you help him.  Since you are so organized and this seems to come naturally to you it may be harder for you to see where his struggles are originating from and it may appear that he is lazy or unmotivated when in fact it is possibly more neurologically based.  You may need a different approach to help him help himself.

 

Good luck and best wishes.  

 

I don't know how to define my son as introvert or extrovert.  He has never met a stranger and is not remotely shy, but he is SUCH a homebody.  He never wants to go anywhere and is quite content to just hang out at home.

 

As for the EF issues, I think you're probably right that there is something going on there.  I'm going to check out your book suggestions.  Thank you.