Daria Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) . . . Edited March 10, 2016 by Daria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 My friend's daughter was throwing up every morning at the thought of going to school. She withdrew her, homeschooled her for a number of years and later successfully had her return to school in either late middle school or high school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Daria, your son's therapy team needs to get a clue. Really. Forcing a vomiting, terrified, small child to face whatever is tormenting him day after day without regard for his feelings borders on abuse and will likely make him feel powerless against the mighty forces of authority or render him permanently resentful and rebellious. If an adult is miserable in a job or abused in a marriage, that adult is free to leave, but a child is forced to remain for years against his will? I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but I'm shocked to hear such backward advice preached as gospel by people who should know better. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daria Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) . . . Edited March 10, 2016 by Daria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 My son's therapy team, a practice that specializes in school refusal, feels very strongly that kids who "give up" on school, and never make it back, go on to have a lifetime of difficulty with giving up on other things such as jobs and relationships, and never become healthy adults. Well I don't know that it is fair to say this is automatically known and if you don't act drastically this will be the outcome. It could be a sign of a serious problem or illness. So no matter what you do the outcome will be not something we'd hope for. BTDT experience with a family member. Nothing tried helped. As an adult that person is disabled because of a severe mental illness. Medications help, but stabilizing has been a process that has taken years. That person cannot hold down a job though. However, there are some "normal" aspects. Person is married and is able to find some enjoyment out of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Just to clarify, he's 17 so not a small child, and isn't being forced to school, because he's bigger than me. So, if he can't male it to school he doesn't go. The family member dropped out by then. It was legal to do so at that point. Although she refused long before that and nothing tried worked. She did go on to get a GED and has had jobs when younger. She has no intellectual difficulties and easily passed the GED without studying. But the illness is just too severe to make life 100% normal (whatever normal is). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Just to clarify, he's 17 so not a small child, and isn't being forced to school, because he's bigger than me. So, if he can't male it to school he doesn't go. LOL, that changes things a little. I was imagining a second grader. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I was a kid who hated school to a point of refusal to go. I cannot say it was anxiety based, but there was no way I was going. The saving grace came from a teacher who told me, "Have a plan. You are free to change your circumstances as long as you have a plan." This has stood with me now for a couple decades. It has definitely kept me from just ditching things. Now I have added to it "Write down what you want and what you don't want so you can make positive choices." Working with at-risk youth, I saw plenty of adults who were enabling their kids. Many of those kids are now adults who have terrible lives/work ethic/lack of success. The flip side is, there are plenty of kids who knew what was best for themselves and demanded adults listen to them. Is the message coming from your child? Does your child have a reasonable plan? Can he articulate what he wants and does not want? If those bases are covered, then tell his therapy team to take a flying leap! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Is home instruction an option (through the school if you don't/can't do it)? That might be something to pursue. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Although after a little bit of thought, a 17yo deserves as much autonomy as an adult to decide his future. However, I would prefer the discussion center on finding reasonable alternatives, making plans, possibly delaying gratification...that sort of thing. There's nothing to be gained by trying to force or guilt a near adult to do anything, IMO. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) My friend started homeschooling because her dd's anxiety was so severe she'd run out of the classroom and run screaming down the hall. she was in kindergarten/first grade. she's now a graduate student at a prestigious international university. she's poised, articulate, and quite a delightful young woman. I do not know of any specific therapies or strategies they used with her other than allowing her the safety of not being forced into a group to which she didn't feel ready to be part. she was still educated to high standards. eta: I'd be leary of your son's current therapy team - they sound overbearing and not respectful of their patients anxieties. Edited March 10, 2016 by gardenmom5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 In the "real world" outside of school there are more options than there used to be. For example, on-line classes. They didn't have stuff like that when my sister was that age. My father could not handle the stress of school, but an on-line class probably would have worked for him. And there are all sorts of careers out there. Something might work out to be a good fit. Here they have several credit recovery programs. They even have a set up where the person can go to the school and sit in a room doing all work on the computer. The pressure is lower and possibly some of the obstacles are removed with that arrangement. I still think you should pursue home bound instruction. Mental health is just as real as other health conditions which might interfere with going to school. If he had, for example, a compromised immune system, would anyone hesitate to pursue home bound instruction? I would hope not. So why not with this as well? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 eta: I'd be leary of your son's current therapy team - they sound overbearing and not respectful of their patients anxieties. Yeah really. What is their tactic here? Shaming him out of his anxiety issues? That is not going to work. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reign Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I think it would depend on why he doesn't want to go. I loved high school but then suddenly had a really hard time attending college (I went to several) at times due to depression/anxiety. Sitting in class wouldn't have made me better. At 17 I would think it's a matter of what his alternative plans are. He is practically an adult. Does he have any good ideas? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daria Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) . . . Edited March 10, 2016 by Daria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daria Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) . . . Edited March 10, 2016 by Daria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 He's been on a mix of homebound, online, and at school classes since August, when he returned from online school. Homebound has been a complete disaster. I don't know what's the right choice, but it's definitely NOT homebound, at least as homebound is administered in our district. Oh gee that's tough. Did they give too much work? What was the problem? If you feel like sharing. That might be too personal so just ignore me if so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daria Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) . . . Edited March 10, 2016 by Daria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) Yeah really. What is their tactic here? Shaming him out of his anxiety issues? That is not going to work. the exact same attitudes that I believe is behind men yelling at three year old boys for crying after they fell down. they seem to think that's how they make a 'suck-it-up' man. I chewed one dad (not dh) out for that - seriously - the kid was THREE! Edited March 10, 2016 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 All he can tell me is that he wants to go to school, he wants to play sports, he wants to have friends, but then the next day he's shaking and saying "I can't do it". I think it's really magical thinking. That maybe, tomorrow will be different. It's complicated by the fact that, like for so many kids with school refusal, the next is different sometimes. He'll have a string of days when he makes it and then a string of days when he doesn't, and neither he nor I can identify why. has he been evaluted for a MEDICAL anxiety disorder? that is *real*. it is *chemical*. telling him to ignore how he feels, and stop being wussy isn't going to make him overcome chemcially based anxiety. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I've got a school of 80-something kids. At least a quarter of them came to us due to anxiety, including school anxiety. They are, for the most part, thriving. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 GED? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I've got a school of 80-something kids. At least a quarter of them came to us due to anxiety, including school anxiety. They are, for the most part, thriving. What kind of school? Like a special school? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) removed quote to avoid overstepping privacy. Why did he leave the online school this year? Can he go back to online? Is he a junior or a senior? If he is a junior and has another year and a half, what about switching to either an online or correspondence school to get the credits he needs and graduate. If you go hang out on the high school board, you will find other parents who homeschool high school because of their child's anxiety issues. The Learning Challenges Board will too. There is a social group for families dealing with special needs kids in middle school & high school. Anxiety fits. If you need help finding it, PM me. I don't know anyone who has refused school at his age due to anxiety. I do know kids who did it when they were little, homeschooled and are happy productive young adults now. I don't see why his age changes that. If he can't go - emotionally, mentally, can't go, then he can't go. Do what you need to, to allow him to finish his education and continue moving forward with his life. It may be that his anxiety keeps him out of a typical workplace too. But my dh has worked from home for 24 years and that is only becoming more common. Provide him the accommodations he needs to get an education in spite of his disability. Then move on. Edited March 10, 2016 by Momto2Ns Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Is is possible Community College won't trigger the same sort of reaction? He could start off slowly, one class for 4 months and done. No one knows him there; there are no preconceptions, and he wouldn't have to juggle multiple responsibilities. It would depend on the reason for his anxiety, but if it's largely dependent on the environment, like a PTSD, maybe it's worth a shot to walk around campus and see how it feels? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daria Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) Thanks everyone, I tried to keep it vague in my OP, because I wanted to hear other people's stories rather than violating my child's privacy. It seems like that's not possible, and I was sharing more than I was comfortable with. If someone has knowledge of adults who experienced significant anxiety about school, and school refusal in their teens, I'd appreciate a PM. Edited March 10, 2016 by Daria 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) I do think it's a delicate balance. I actually know a number of people homeschooling kids due to anxiety/depression and many have done wonderfully. But 2 of them, I am DEEPLY concerned about going forward toward adulthood because there has been no progress or changes or even baby steps in years. One just got on for full time adult disability. My daughter has been anxious at times. We got into it deep with her about 2 years ago for many months. She literally was paralyzed with fear but WANTED to do her normal routine. We had to go back to preschool mode for a time, but we did baby step her out of it. I have had depression/anxiety too. Has he had a general physical and blood work? I tend to have issues when my health is low. A good multi vitamin is helpful as is regular exercise and a clean diet. My dd had pneumonia and was on steroids shortly before her anxiety episode not to mention she had issues with sugar addiction that winter too. I absolutely think it was related in her case. I know that's not always the case, but I do think it's helpful to look at the whole picture for some people. Edited March 10, 2016 by WoolySocks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Thanks everyone, I tried to keep it vague in my OP, because I wanted to hear other people's stories rather than violating my child's privacy. It seems like that's not possible, and I was sharing more than I was comfortable with. If someone has knowledge of adults who experienced significant anxiety about school, and school refusal in their teens, I'd appreciate a PM. Good luck to you and your son. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 What kind of school? Like a special school? Special, yes, but not in the education sense of special. Just a small, cozy school that is structured around a good teacher to student ratio, has minimum of power/bullying issues, minimizes issues that typically trigger anxiety symptoms. We also allow, if needed, parents to sit in classrooms, then hallways, then simply be on premises if necessary. We haven't "had" to use that option lately, even with the most anxious of our students. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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