Never becoming a grandparent?

[JBJones]

All of your kids are pretty young and a lot can happen over 15-20 years. They will grow and change as people so I wouldn't begin to worry yet. I never planned on having children. When I was around 36 years old,  I began to seriously think about having a child (and did at 39). Good luck to you.

Edited January 18, 2016 by JBJones

[Guest]

At those ages, I'd say you have a good 10-15 years before you even have to consider resigning yourself to this. It's VERY "in" right now among the 18-25 set to declare themselves Intentionally Childless. MOST of them will end up with children.

Yes...like my niece, who used to say this. My sister even said, "she says it with spite in her eyes, like 'Ha! No grandkids for you!'"

 

She is due in February, though.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I was 25 before I wanted to have kids.  Prior to that, I'd been adamant about not wanting children, even requesting a tubal.  The doctor was wise enough to not consider it.  The exact moment I completely changed my mind was so significant that I remember it to this day (a couple decades later!).

 

I would be disappointed if I never had grandchildren, but honestly, I would be far more disappointed that my children were missing out on what I consider to be the best thing in this world that ever happened to me.  I wouldn't say your kids' decisions are a done deal at this point.

[wonderchica]

 

My sister's dd, my niece, will be 32 this June. She dates but is not married and has no children. Now, she WANTS to be married and have kids. She's overweight and needs to work on that.

.

Sorry, but are you implying your niece is unable to "land a man" and procreate because she's overweight? How hurtful. I can assure you overweight women marry and have sex every day, all over the world.

[sheryl]

Sorry, but are you implying your niece is unable to "land a man" and procreate because she's overweight? How hurtful. I can assure you overweight women marry and have sex every day, all over the world.

Naughty on you!  My niece (both) are very overweight.  It's unhealthy for each one.  It would be better to lose a bit before attempting pregnancy.  Sorry if you're hurt. 

 

Obesity is an American problem.  Let's not put our head in the sand here. 

 

Additionally, said niece had a boyfriend but they broke up. 

 

 

[heartlikealion]

Yes, I imagine most older people are spending time with relatives and/or health care workers, however, some are probably involved in groups. I don't know when she stopped being actively involved but my grandmother was in a couple of groups (bowling league was one. She was the oldest in her group).

 

 

Naughty on you!  My niece (both) are very overweight.  It's unhealthy for each one.  It would be better to lose a bit before attempting pregnancy.  Sorry if you're hurt. 

 

Obesity is an American problem.  Let's not put our head in the sand here. 
 

Additionally, said niece had a boyfriend but they broke up. 

 

 

You were too vague. You didn't say, "she's trying to get pregnant but is advised to lose weight first" or anything like that. It was unclear that your thoughts were tied to pregnancy and not marriage or dating.

[MedicMom]

I requested a tubal st 24, I had been so sure for a decade I was not interested in having kids.

 

At 29 I changed my mind.

 

Do you have nieces/nephews? I know several older adults who either didn't have grandchildren or who didn't have geographically close children who filled the grandparent role for their great nieces and nephews.

[IsabelC]

Right now, I honestly don't care whether I have twenty grandchildren, or a couple, or none at all ever. It feels completely irrelevant to me. If grandchildren arrive, I'll certainly dote on them and probably annoy their parents with my interference no matter how hard I try to refrain. But if they don't come along, I don't think I'll miss them. Disclaimer: I admit it's quite possible that my feelings might change with age. Maybe 'granny lust' doesn't kick in until you have an empty nest, or until your children are grown up and partnered. 

[wonderchica]

Naughty on you! My niece (both) are very overweight. It's unhealthy for each one. It would be better to lose a bit before attempting pregnancy. Sorry if you're hurt.

 

Obesity is an American problem. Let's not put our head in the sand here.

 

Additionally, said niece had a boyfriend but they broke up.

 

 

Nope, not naughty or hurt. Your comment just seemed rude to your niece. You didn't say anything about her health or trying to get pregnant.

[Reefgazer]

When DH and I were dating, I asked him why he wanted kids and he said "So we have someone to take care of us one day when we are old."  It struck me as an odd reason to have kids, but now that I am in my 50s, I can't even remember what I did with my day before kids.  My kids and my family are so fulfilling; I can't imagine an empty house with no one to have holiday meals with and reminisce about years past.  Being on the other side with kids now, I feel sorry for people who will not have that.  I would feel bad if my kids missed out on that by not having kids of their own.  So now I get what my DH meant all those years ago. 

Honestly, that was one of my (many) reasons for not wanting children - I'm pretty sure I will never BE old (say, 70+).  And it doesn't seem fair to make a person only to bail out on him, you know?

 

Sorry, this is probably too far OT....

 

Edited January 19, 2016 by reefgazer

[heartlikealion]

empty house and someone to take care of you are two different things imo

[Reefgazer]

I know that a person could die early on, but the vast majority of  parents don't leave orphans, so to me that's not really worth "planning on", even though I understand it's a possibility. 

 

I don't think it's unfair to imply that the childless and spouseless (especially the very elderly) are lonely.  I'm sure some aren't.  But imagine reaching 90-95, having no close family to care for you or visit you in a nursing home (or even in your own home), your spouse and most friends have passed on because you have the longevity gene and they didn't, and then becoming frail enough that it's difficult to go out and meet new people/get to church/pursue hobbies.  How to keep active and meet new faces if your body is failing you and you are housebound or nursing-home bound?  Someone who has lost their spouse and/or close friends in their 80s can live a decade or more being extremely isolated and eventually depressed from loneliness.

 

I have an extended family where it is unusual *not* to live into the 90s.  I've seen a few of those relatives now in their 90s that have spouses who have died, kids who live far away, or who  became frail wind up in nursing homes or with no one to advocate for them, so they wind up wasting away isolated in their homes and often existing in a drugged state on anti-depressants.  It's not pretty, and I wonder how different their lives would be with children to keep an eye on their meds, kids to take them out of the nursing home for a drive every Sunday, or grandchildren to stop by and say hi. 

I don't like to think this way. I think it's unfair to imply to childless adults that their lives are less full. I mean, heck, someone could die early on in life and what does any of that future stuff matter? In fact, on the other end of the spectrum you could be saying, "I'd have to leave behind orphans."
 

 

[Reefgazer]

I was using "empty house" as a synonym for lonely existence with no children.  I probably won't edit because I think most readers can full well understand that. 

empty house and someone to take care of you are two different things imo

 

[Reefgazer]

My mother used to say the bolded  about me all the time.  It chapped my hide in a big way because it wasn't true and it was just my mom making excuses to try and make herself feel better as to why her DD was not married "yet".  It took some 85 year old lady neighbor to get in her face and flat out tell her that it was because I just hadn't met the right person yet.  I'll forever be grateful to dear Helen for doing that.

I am facing that possibility as well. dd28 will probably never be fully fledged from her father's family. dd26 doesn't want kids. ds24 is too picky and too career oriented. ds8 might well give me posthumous grandchildren, but it's too early to tell yet.

I mourned the loss and moved on.

When my best friend very honestly described her experience at her then-17yodd's birth, I was able to take off the rose coloured glasses and understand how helpless grandparents can feel and how much it must hurt to be so powerless to help somebody you love so deeply.

I am glad that I don't have to worry about whether my grandchildren are fed and loved, whether they are cold or scared, and whether their day care providers are adequate.

I still want to be the little old lady who reads picture books and tells "When I was your age" stories and has interesting artifacts in her closet. There is no reason in the world why I can't be that neighbour lady, daycare provider, or helpful volunteer when I grow up.

 

[heartlikealion]

I was using "empty house" as a synonym for lonely existence with no children.  I probably won't edit because I think most readers can full well understand that. 

 

But earlier you said:

 

 

This is kind of an idle thought, but I wonder if adult children realize how potentially empty their lives will be without children or grandchildren when they are older?

 

The bolded sounded harsh, maybe patronizing, to me. It read to me as unfulfilled. This could merely be my perception. I cannot speak for others.

[heartlikealion]

I know that a person could die early on, but the vast majority of  parents don't leave orphans, so to me that's not really worth "planning on", even though I understand it's a possibility. 

 

I don't think it's unfair to imply that the childless and spouseless (especially the very elderly) are lonely.  I'm sure some aren't.  But imagine reaching 90-95, having no close family to care for you or visit you in a nursing home (or even in your own home), your spouse and most friends have passed on because you have the longevity gene and they didn't, and then becoming frail enough that it's difficult to go out and meet new people/get to church/pursue hobbies.  How to keep active and meet new faces if your body is failing you and you are housebound or nursing-home bound?  Someone who has lost their spouse and/or close friends in their 80s can live a decade or more being extremely isolated and eventually depressed from loneliness.

 

I have an extended family where it is unusual *not* to live into the 90s.  I've seen a few of those relatives now in their 90s that have spouses who have died, kids who live far away, or who  became frail wind up in nursing homes or with no one to advocate for them, so they wind up wasting away isolated in their homes and often existing in a drugged state on anti-depressants.  It's not pretty, and I wonder how different their lives would be with children to keep an eye on their meds, kids to take them out of the nursing home for a drive every Sunday, or grandchildren to stop by and say hi. 

 

Having children is no guarantee they will be actively involved in your life, even if they are alive. They may not even live nearby or visit much. You just said so yourself that some people with kids don't have anyone to keep an eye on their meds, or am I reading that incorrectly?

 

My grandma is 100 years old. One child (my father) lives in the same state. Her other children do not. On a day-to-day basis she does not see family. She no longer drives and has to pay mileage to have the caregiver take her anywhere. My father is the caregiver for my mother and cannot easily drive to my grandmother even though she's only one town away. They see each other, but it's not as often as it used to be. Then take my sisters and I. I'm the only one that lives in the same state as my parents. One lives across the country and the other lives in another country. Yes, we all see each other but visits are spread out. My grandma has been a widow since my dad was a young man. So yes, I can imagine the scenario you present.

 

[LucyStoner]

With kids age 26, 23 and 17 I wouldn't write it off as a possibility for another couple decades or more. I'm 35. Most of my "never going to have children" friends are either parents, pregnant, in the process of adopting or hoping to start a family in the next 5 years. I only know a few who are sticking to their decision, no matter how loudly they declared they were never doing it before.

Edited January 19, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Lolly]

As soon as my kids finished toddlerhood (and I knew no more were coming along for me), I started wanting to be a grandmother. That feeling actually got even stronger when my girls hit their teenage years. Now, I honestly don't care. I am past babies right now. Don't want to have anything to do with them. My oldest has always despised babies and children. She still does. Has no plans to have any. She would take permanent measures now if she could find a doctor who would do it. The others, who knows. It matters not to me.

[sheryl]

Nope, not naughty or hurt. Your comment just seemed rude to your niece. You didn't say anything about her health or trying to get pregnant.

How silly.   Niece knows it.   Her mother knows it (my sister).  And, I know it.  What's the big deal?  Mercy, let's don't create problems where none exist. 

[DawnM]

I am an only child.  I didn't even think I was going to get married.   I did, but at almost 30.  My first child was born just a couple months shy of my 32nd birthday.  Child number 2 at 33 and child number 3 at 37.

 

Woman are having kids into their late 40s.  

 

I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet.  

 

My parents were in their mid/late-60s when I had their first grandchild. 

 

I am not going to tell you it will happen, because I don't have a chrystal ball, but it still very well may.

[DawnM]

My mother used to say the bolded  about me all the time.  It chapped my hide in a big way because it wasn't true and it was just my mom making excuses to try and make herself feel better as to why her DD was not married "yet".  It took some 85 year old lady neighbor to get in her face and flat out tell her that it was because I just hadn't met the right person yet.  I'll forever be grateful to dear Helen for doing that.

 

 

Same here.....I had a LOT of guy friends.  My parents kept asking why I wasn't dating one of them......but they were like brothers to me.....so, ick.   You should have seen the guys they would have had me married off to.....decent nice guys, yes, but definitely NOT my type.

[Reefgazer]

The bolded is true, but *not* having offspring about guarantees that you'll have no immediate family to look after you.

Having children is no guarantee they will be actively involved in your life, even if they are alive. They may not even live nearby or visit much. You just said so yourself that some people with kids don't have anyone to keep an eye on their meds, or am I reading that incorrectly?

 

My grandma is 100 years old. One child (my father) lives in the same state. Her other children do not. On a day-to-day basis she does not see family. She no longer drives and has to pay mileage to have the caregiver take her anywhere. My father is the caregiver for my mother and cannot easily drive to my grandmother even though she's only one town away. They see each other, but it's not as often as it used to be. Then take my sisters and I. I'm the only one that lives in the same state as my parents. One lives across the country and the other lives in another country. Yes, we all see each other but visits are spread out. My grandma has been a widow since my dad was a young man. So yes, I can imagine the scenario you present.
 

 

Edited January 19, 2016 by reefgazer