Tell me if I'm wrong...vent

[Journey]

okay, I'm a Christian and I'm coming on this board because I know there are believers and unbelievers that come on here and I would like to get opinions from both sides.

 

Anyway, I'm a divorced mother of a 20 year old learning disabled, developmentally disabled daughter. When I say developmentally disabled, I mean that she is 20 years old but has the maturity level of a 12-14 year old. She will be turning 21 at the end of this month. Her father has already filed the court papers to stop his child support the day she turns 21. There is no way that our daughter can support herself right now. She can't live on her own, she doesn't even have her driver's permit. The last time she tried to make popped corn on the stove, truly, she almost burned the house down, but she was "standing right next to it watching it". I can't get assisted living help or social security for her because she isn't "disabled enough". She is still in high school (public) through the ned of this year and she has a job through the school (part time). She is going to have to live with me for at least a few more years...at least...and what bothers me is that in our state it's legal (or whatever you call it) for her father to end the child support payments when she turns 21. I'm upset because I don't think it's fair that I am the only one to be solely finacially responsible for her after she turns 21. If I'm the one to be solely financially responsible for her then I don't want her to have anything to do with her father. Also, he has never, ever, ever taken part in her life. Every single school meeting we have ever had (since first grade) has been attended by me and he'dcome when he felt like it, he's never, ever taken her to a doctor's appointment or a hair appointment. He never, ever calls her on the weeks that she doesn't go over to his house (every other weekend), he has been very much a hands off father and it just totally irks me that this is all happening. Would you be mad? What would you do?

 

Thanks.

 

First let me say thanks so much for those of you who have responded. You have some great ideas. Secondly..to Jen...I guess I offended you by saying the word "unbeliever", I was going to say I'm sorry but I'm not going to because I'm not sorry. I go around all day long defending my belief in Jesus Christ and I just don't get it why whenever His name or the word "unbeliever" offends people. I have to hear people every day talking of things that I don't agree with but I don't say anything to them, why bother. I don't think I've "denigrated" anyone on this board as I do believe that each person on here is smart enough to know what I was talking about when I used the word "unbeliever". I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that maybe you're just having a bad day because why else would you get so upset over a word?

 

Anyway back to my original post. I forgot to add some things...my daughter has been denied SS benefits twice. SHe has also been denied any kind of assisted living support...why?....because she has an IQ of 91 and I guess that's too high to get any extras which stinks because there is no way she can support or take care of herself right now. Don't get me wrong, she's totally functioning as a person...she just needs to be reminded ALOT about what she needs to be doing. You can add ADHD to her list of "disabilities". Her father is also supporting members of two other families (his child from his second marriage and his live in girlfriend and her daughter)...yes, the guy is a total train wreck but the sad thing is that his oldest child (my daughter) is at the bottom of his totem pole and she knows it but yet she still is striving for his love and attention and that's what bugs me even though I understand where she's coming from I still don't like it! I will definately look into the social worker thing though, does anyone have any idea where I would look for something like that? We live in NY.

[Jean too]

Yes, I would be angry that he can just walk away from his responsibilities to your dd. I would contact an attorney and see if there is anything you can do to make him continue to help with her support until she is able to support herself.

[ticklbee]

First off, here's a :grouphug:. What a tough situation.

 

Have you consulted a lawyer about this? Maybe there is something that can be done legally because of your dd's handicap.

 

I totally understand your frustration about your ex-dh and his lack of involvement with your dd. And yes, I would be mad. And probably frustrated that he "just doesn't get it." He has no idea of the joy he is missing by not getting to know his dd and getting involved in her life. To me, this is not the mark of a true man. A true man takes care of his responsibilities even when he doesn't have to (by law).

 

And even though it is really, really tempting to try to cut him out of the picture all together, I would seriously pray about your motivations for wanting to do this because it appears that this would be your way to get "revenge" on him and God says that vengeance is His, He will repay. Not only that, cutting him out deprives your dd of knowing her dad (as imperfect and selfish as he is). I'm guessing that she loves her dad and would probably not understand why she doesn't seem him anymore.

 

I just want you to know that I admire you a lot for all you are doing. Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent is even harder. Being a single parent of a disabled child has to be one of the hardest thing a person can do. But remember...you serve a BIG God! :001_smile:

[Heather in the Kootenays]

and it's awful. :grouphug:

 

In our jurisdiction, you could apply to get support continued if she's disabled enough (isn't that a terrible expression). Do you have any kind of social worker involvement? If so they might be able to help you at least find out what's available. I know that there are groups which help parents of kids like yours - set up alternative care systems for when they get older. Do you think she'll ever be able to live independently. Are there group homes available, sheltered workshops? Can her school help you with suggestions?

 

My sister finds that it's easier to think of herself as a single parent since being angry at the dad was hard on her in the long run.

 

And you're right - it's not fair. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

I think his behavior is despicable. I'd get a lawyer and haul his donkey into court.

[beansprouts]

I am sorry :grouphug:

 

I know there are more knowledgable mamas here who can offer good advice. I think the law about cutting support at 21 is fair, but I also think a case could (and should) be made for a special needs child who is still very dependant. Can you talk with a lawyer?

[Jennifer3141]

I'm not entirely certain what being a Christian has to do with this situation. And I'm sure a lot more "nonbelievers" (which kind of cracks me up - I BELIEVE - just not in Jesus Christ) would be willing to chime in if they were not so denigrated. Some of us nonbelievers even have law degrees! :D

 

Jen

[beansprouts]

I'm not entirely certain what being a Christian has to do with this situation. And I'm sure a lot more "nonbelievers" (which kind of cracks me up - I BELIEVE - just not in Jesus Christ) would be willing to chime in if they were not so denigrated. Some of us nonbelievers even have law degrees! :D

 

I think she is saying that she would like both spiritual perspective and secular advice.

[ticklbee]

I'm not entirely certain what being a Christian has to do with this situation. And I'm sure a lot more "nonbelievers" (which kind of cracks me up - I BELIEVE - just not in Jesus Christ) would be willing to chime in if they were not so denigrated. Some of us nonbelievers even have law degrees! :D

 

Jen

 

Hi Jen,

 

I am so sorry that you felt denigrated by the OP's post. Of course, I can't speak for her but I *think* she mentioned being a Christian because she wanted people to know that she wanted spiritual advice too but she didn't want to limit it to just "Christians."

 

The "non-believer" phrase simply means "not a believer in Christ" as used by the OP. As a Christian, I would be considered a non believer to a Muslim or a Buddhist simply because I don't believe as they do. It is a general term that can be used by any religion.

 

So much has been made on these boards about whether to put CC in the title of a post, how christian content should be handled...it seems like no matter what a poster does, there will be someone to find fault with it. The OP was trying to be inclusive of everyone. A little grace goes a long way.

[mysticamethyst]

What he is doing is wrong! You haven't said if you have a social worker or not, but I would get one if you don't. I would also see about getting Social Security for her, it might be a fight but they dont' make it easy to give away money. I am sorry for the struggle you are facing and that your x is a ___________(fill in the blank) but some males are made this way.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:I would definitely contact social services and talk to a social worker. I know a few people back home who are not completely disabled, but, they do get help from the state and county. There are programs for her and help for you. You shouldn't have to do this on your own. It's sad that he feels okay doing this.:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Your dd is fortunate to have you as a mother.

 

A few random thoughts.

 

I wouldn't keep your dd from her father regardless of his level of assistance in her support. I might not go above and beyond to make it easy for him....but I wouldn't try to stop him from seeing her if he put forth the effort. He might stop wanting to see her when she turns 21. Also, you need the help with her...so if he keeps taking her every other weekend...isn't that some help?

 

I would re investigate disability and/or social security for her. If she can't live on her own she clearly needs someone to be responsible for her.

 

I would think that any parent in the world could stop caring for a child once they reach legal age. Does that make it right? No. Is your Xh a jerk? Yes. But you can't force someone to be a parent...so as someone else said, consider yourself in this alone...but go after whatever programs are out there to assist you.

 

Oh, and big :grouphug:

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I understand your point but a mom in that situation is already walking a really tough road. Let's cut her some slack on this one.

[OnTheBrink]

I think his behavior is despicable. I'd get a lawyer and haul his donkey into court.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[newbie]

My sis is in exact same position, although her xdh has cutoff his stepdaughter completely, although he raised her since 2. He does not even visit her.

 

On the social security issue, I would fight for an atty. We are working on nbr. 4, they will usually tell you right up front if they will take case. Having her retested for funcional levels with psych. is the first thing, this will prove to SS. she is non functioning, that is where we are at right now.

 

My point is dont waste your breath on dh, fight w/SSI, I think that is an easier battle. Also, her school might do the functional testing for her, than you can just turn that into SSI w/application.

[TwinMominTX]

I'd fight the dissolution of child support. If your dd doesn't have the means to ability to support herself, her father (as her other parent) certainly has an obligation to help out. I'd keep careful records of her earnings, expenses and present those along with her prospects for future gainful employment to a hearing judge.

 

Also, if your dd is soon to age out of the public school system and her part-time job, I might consider retaining an attorney to fight the denial of Social Security benefits. This will be a more long term and permanent solution to ongoing support than having to rely on her father for money. From your description, she sounds like she should be receiving SSI benefits which would help contribute to your household expenses. I've seen many cases where families of disabled young adults have had to really fight for the SSI benefits. It certainly shouldn't have to be that way.

 

Good luck to you.

[PineFarmMom]

I'm not entirely certain what being a Christian has to do with this situation. And I'm sure a lot more "nonbelievers" (which kind of cracks me up - I BELIEVE - just not in Jesus Christ) would be willing to chime in if they were not so denigrated. Some of us nonbelievers even have law degrees! :D

 

Jen

 

Wow, Jen, I'm sure the OP found your post oh so helpful! Actually, I found you to be extremely rude. I'm offended on these boards on a daily basis...just move on.

 

For the OP: I am in agreement that you should see an attorney. This is just completely wrong on many levels. I can't imagine this being just brushed over if taken to court.

 

Teresa

[Mom to Aly]

Journey:

 

First, let me say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. Second, I have to say I am glad you can get child support as long as you can. I am in VA, and my xh only has to pay until 18, not a day later, no matter the circumstance. Third, I would talk to everyone and anyone, and I would reapply for benefits. I am from NY, and my brother has been disabled since he was 15 (he is schizophrenic, chronic). Even then, with a slew of hospitalizations and doctors swearing to it, it took 3 tries for him to get benefits, and each year they would cut him off and make him reapply, turning him down the first time. It just seems to be something they do, I guess to discourage people--yes, it sucks, but perseverance is the key. Get a good social worker on your side, and it can make all the diff. They can help inform you of your rights. Also, a day program can not only help your daughter learn skills, but help you not have to worry about her during the day. And the skills can help her get a better job down the line, if that is what she is meant to do.

 

Once she has benefits, she will be eligible for supportive housing, which can also be wonderful. I have a sister who is bi-polar, and she lived in supportive housing for a couple of years, and it helped her tremendously. By the way, she was "borderline" disabled, she has been working for 14 years, she had a breakdown after my dad died, and couldn't work for several years afterwards; it took her 4 tries before they qualified her, in NY. At that point, she had tried to commit suicide and had not left the house in 4 months.

 

Also, your daughter's need for her father's approval is so normal; even though you don't like it, and know how harmful it is to her, you can't really fight it. You can try to help her understand he isn't like most dads, and it is his prob, not her, but it probably won't lessen her desire. You can try to help her by letting him know how much she wants his approval, time with him, etc. A letter would probably be the easiest and most effective way; and it may hurt your pride, but it is for your daughter, and how many times have we had to sacrifice for our children? You can equate it to Jesus' sacrifice for us; do it with love for your daughter, pureness in your heart, and no anger flowing from your pen. It will come out much better that way. For this, you must put your pride and hurt away, and think only of your child and what she needs.

 

My xh did horrible, emotionally torturous things to my daughter after we split, all to try to convince her not to homeschool, because he didn't want to give me spousal support. I ended up not taking spousal support, so he would not fight me on hsing. He does not see my dd, has seen her once in the last three years, and it was horrible, as always. He is not even allowed to speak to her on the phone, and, although there are times when I weep for the fact that she doesn't have the loving relationship with a father that I see all around me with other children, I am still grateful she doesn't want one with the one she has. I do have an idea of what you are going through, though, because when she was younger, when he first started being horrible (when he started cheating, before I knew what was going on) she was three, then four, and wanted her daddy to love her, and approve of her, and I could see the hurt and confusion in her eyes, on her face, when he rejected her, or became angry for no reason; it mirrored mine. That continued for a while, until she had had too much, then she just turned it off, or so it seems; I still wonder if it doesn't exist, somewhere deep inside.

 

Anyway... So you know, I am a believer... But I believe in the Hindu faith, which does accept Jesus as a possibility. I have studied the Bible for years, and I believe Jesus lived, and it is possible he was one form of God on Earth. I just believe in full disclosure ;).

 

I wish you and your daughter all the best. Most of all, I wish you peace. I hope you take this in the spirit it was given, and I hope you can accept what I am about to say: You have been divorced a long time, and, believe me, I understand about the hurt, betrayal, etc, and, with a child, how that continues--you are never really completely "separated" from your ex--but the anger you have needs to lessen. Your ex does have a new family, and rather than resent that he does for them, I wish you could focus on what you have. I know, much easier said than done. I struggle with mine all the time--he took every penny we'd ever had, left me more than $80,000 in debt--he hides his salary so I get $600 a month in child support, that's it!!! According to public record, he hasn't had a raise in years!! I have no car, no extra money, in the meantime he has a brand new $50,000 car, etc. And I did, for a long time, go nuts over everything he had, and did. But I stopped, for the most part. Because I have the most precious thing in the world, and I wouldn't trade it for a million times what he has, and that has given me the ultimate peace--I have my daughter. I would not give up a month of my time with her for all the money he has. We have an amazing relationship, she is my fave person in the entire world, and I would trade nothing for that.

[Mom to Aly]

Wow, Jen, I'm sure the OP found your post oh so helpful! Actually, I found you to be extremely rude. I'm offended on these boards on a daily basis...just move on.

 

For the OP: I am in agreement that you should see an attorney. This is just completely wrong on many levels. I can't imagine this being just brushed over if taken to court.

 

Teresa

 

Teresa:

 

I think Jen had addressed this well, with her smilie to show she was not trying to be offensive. I believe it is against the rules to attack someone as you did. I think you should rethink how you have worded your post.