Teen boy girl sleepovers

[Tsuga]

Sorry, if I don't delete now I'll forget. So I'm deleting. You can gather details from the comments and speculate away.

 

For the curious: there will be no sleepover, not because of me (I was consulted and gave an answer that was satisfactory to neither parent, which required much more planning, and therefore, which was ignored), but because Dad. Group sleepover would have been a yes. Single boy-girl sleepover was a no.

 

Note to self: Kids will have proper sex-ed and talk with trusted aunt about sex, expectations, social norms, and consequences, before 6th and then 9th grade.

[TeenagerMom]

I have a 13 year old DS.  I have a 15 year old DD.  We are pretty lenient, liberal, and free rangeish.

 

I started to say, it wouldn't happen here.  But theoretically, it could as DD & DS are starting to mix their friend groups some.  SOOOO I could possibly see a guy friend of DD's coming to stay the night and sleeping in DS's room, which connects by a thin door to my room.  The other exit is to the living room where DH sleeps on the couch every night and is the world's lightest sleeper.

 

I did used to stay at my boyfriend's house on the weekends in High school because he lived 45 minutes away.  I slept in his sister's room with her across the house.

[Anne]

No. Just No.

 

Your incredulity is justified.

 

If you're an old fogie, so am I - and proud of it!

 

Anne

[Joker]

This reminded me of my high school years and how stupid I thought adults were. I had more guy friends than girls. We had many sleepovers that included many boys and girls. Parents would freak when they found us out. There was absolutely nothing going on, though. I had many an awesome night hanging out with my friends all night and nothing ever went on. Even teens are quite capable of just being friends. 

 

My dds are 13 and 15 and I wouldn't rule this situation out. I hope I would be more open than my parents. 

 

 

ETA: There were definitely situations of siblings having sleepovers of opposite sex where we all hung out. I didn't know that was a big deal as it was just normal where I grew up. I was one of four close in age with my siblings and we all had sleepovers and parties. No one ever made a big deal about it. 

[Tsuga]

I have a 13 year old DS.  I have a 15 year old DD.  We are pretty lenient, liberal, and free rangiest...

 

I did used to stay at my boyfriend's house on the weekends in High school because he lived 45 minutes away.  I slept in his sister's room with her across the house.

 

I'm pretty free range. What worries me here is that this has not been accompanied by a trip to the doctor to discuss birth control, as if, you know, spending the night with a boy in high school is not at all the kind of place where you'd lose your virginity or accidentally get pregnant. I actually would be more likely to say yes if they'd been to the doc, she was on birth control, and it was a known thing. What concerns me is that here we have no idea what the deal is, just that nobody we have ever known had this set up of platonic boy-girl sleepovers the first two months of high school...

 

Re: your boyfriend: so my thought is that in that case, both sets of parents were aware you were dating, you knew you were dating, and this was how you could see each others, so presumably, both sets of parents were well aware of what could happen if you chose? Were you on birth control? Had you talked about it?

 

I am trying to figure out just how off my "don't-get-pregnant-o-meter" is off.

[EndOfOrdinary]

I would have no issue. I would expect that the adults whose house they were staying at would negotiate reasonable sleeping arrangements, not leave them directly unattended in the house for hours, and in general afford them respect. Kids can have sex anywhere. To restrict them for sex they are not having, do not seem to be interested in having, and have said they aren't going to have seems a bit over the top. I mean don't leave condoms on the counter and drive off for eight hours, but don't just assume they are only focused on sex either. I will say that we are a sex positive family and I am very liberal about these sorts of things.

 

Some red flags to me are that you felt the need to mention he was French and that only the female seemed to need a discussion before hand. Those caveats seem to imply a significant social bias and stereotypes. To me, those are pretty important to check at the door. I can honestly say my son is far more sensative than I was. Sex is going to be a far more major decision for him than it was for me. It has nothing to do with ethnicity or gender.

[Tsuga]

This reminded me of my high school years and how stupid I thought adults were. I had more guy friends than girls. We had many sleepovers that included many boys and girls. Parents would freak when they found us out. There was absolutely nothing going on, though. I had many an awesome night hanging out with my friends all night and nothing ever went on. Even teens are quite capable of just being friends. 

 

My dds are 13 and 15 and I wouldn't rule this situation out. I hope I would be more open than my parents. 

 

 

ETA: There were definitely situations of siblings having sleepovers of opposite sex where we all hung out. I didn't know that was a big deal as it was just normal where I grew up. I was one of four close in age with my siblings and we all had sleepovers and parties. No one ever made a big deal about it. 

 

Were these group sleepovers, or one on one? I think what took us aback was that this is not a group thing. It's a two-person thing. Both of us frequently spent the night and went out all night with groups of friends, but would have paused at spending the night with a friend of the opposite sex (we are both straight as can be) because of the impressions, etc.

 

But if you have the one-on-one experience I'm interested to hear it.

 

 

 

 I mean don't leave condoms on the counter and drive off for eight hours, but don't just assume they are only focused on sex either.

 

I would actually be FINE with condoms and pills and sex.

 

What confuses me in this case is the lack of talk about sex... but lack of talk about anything else (they don't play video games together, do anything else that you'd normally do all night for fun, like make music).

 

 

 

Some red flags to me are that you felt the need to mention he was French and that only the female seemed to need a discussion before hand.

 

The reason there is no discussion of the boy in this situation is that if I have zero input into the girl's situation, I have like negative 1 bazillion into the boy's situation. That is just not my side of the story. We have a boy and it would be the same for him but he's not there yet.

 

As for French--well, yeah, all of my friends in France lost their virginity before 16. So I am biased. My experience is that there are expectations in high school and I'm concerned that one or both parties are blissfully unaware. I mean I have lived in France, and when I lived there, the unequivocal expectation among teenagers would be to have sex around 16. Which is fine, provided they are using condoms and the pill.

 

But I should emphatically point out that this is not the case with at least the girl--she has insisted that she has zero interest in sex whatsoever.

 

So why spend the night at a boy's house just the two of you, I guess is my question.

 

If you have a good answer for that, I'm interested to hear it, truly. When I was a teen, I also had little interest in sex and when I did, I went and spent the night at a man's house. It was that simple. :D I have a hard time wrapping my head around the alternatives... of just straight male-female asexual sleepovers.

[HSmomof2]

Generally, no.

Though I did stay at vacation houses with my high school boyfriend and his family several times. I stayed in the room with his sister. And Dh did stay at my parent's house during college breaks while we were dating. He slept on the couch. Nothing was 'going on' in either of those situations, and these were people I was dating or engaged to. So, maybe I'd have to consider the situation and sleeping arrangements on an individual basis.

 

ETA: I wouldn't encourage just a basic 'sleepover' for boys/girls. My teen 'sleepovers' were because one of us was too far away from home to reasonably not stay over. My parents wouldn't have allowed just a basic 'sleepover' with a boy.

[Joker]

Were these group sleepovers, or one on one? I think what took us aback was that this is not a group thing. It's a two-person thing. Both of us frequently spent the night and went out all night with groups of friends, but would have paused at spending the night with a friend of the opposite sex (we are both straight as can be) because of the impressions, etc.

 

But if you have the one-on-one experience I'm interested to hear it.

 

My best friend and I did. It wasn't any different as we didn't view each other that way. 

 

I understand it even more now that I have a teen dd who is gay. She still has her friends who are girls that she can sleepover and hang out with. She has a girl here and there that she will refuse to sleep over with because she is interested and it is awkward. 

[J-rap]

I totally agree with you (the OP), but nothing surprises me anymore!

 

I did have sleepovers with my boy cousins through high school, but we were best friends and they were like brothers to me.

 

I also attended many boy/girl evening events at that age at private homes (but not overnight).  I guess it's partly because of that (my sweet parents were so trusting!) that I have been much more careful about my own kids.

[Tsuga]

 

 

She has a girl here and there that she will refuse to sleep over with because she is interested and it is awkward. 

 

Totally makes sense to me. I'd be shocked if this teen was gay but who knows--but there is just that sexual tension even from the teen years that I guess I avoided.

 

I'll be off the internet for a bit but interested to hear different perspectives.

[Joker]

Totally makes sense to me. I'd be shocked if this teen was gay but who knows--but there is just that sexual tension even from the teen years that I guess I avoided.

 

I'll be off the internet for a bit but interested to hear different perspectives.

They don't need to be gay to avoid tension. I'm not gay but still had close relationships with boys without sexual tension. I don't like the idea that boys and girls can't be friends without tension. It does happen and it's okay.

[Catwoman]

I would not allow it. (I'm old, too! ;))

 

I know it has been mentioned that the boy and girl could sleep in separate rooms, but if that's the case, why bother with a sleepover? What would be the point of a sleepover if the two teens weren't sharing a room and staying up late to talk or gossip or whatever? Why don't the boy's parents just invite the girl over for a visit and bring her back home later that evening?

 

And FWIW, I am not at all in favor of 14yos being encouraged in any way, shape, or form to have s*x. I would not be handing my ds a box of condoms or telling a 14yo girl that it's time to go on the pill. I think 14 is far too young to be getting that intimately involved with anyone. I know it happens, but I don't think kids that age are emotionally ready for it, and I would strongly discourage it.

[abba12]

Sorry. I'm a conservative christian, but, as a teen I had one female friend, total. I had a dozen guy friends. Nothing ever happened, nothing was ever going to happen. We were a group and did a lot of group activities. I once went on a 2 night camping trip, at 14, with one 13 year old girl and one 15 year old girl, and about 8 boys ages 13-18. Nothing happened, nothing was ever remotely close to happening. Even later on when I was 17 and alcohol became involved (legal drinking age is 18 in Australia, most of these friends were now over 18 and the rest of us had at least tried alcohol by then) we could all be drinking and still the worst thing that ever happened was that we played a fill in the blanks game that used dirty/sexual words. 

 

BUT

 

This isn't true of all teens. Some teens will go to big parties where sex is expected, some will have alcohol and do stupid things (the stupidest thing we ever did while drinking was cut someones hair) Some teens will be more likely to experiment than others. But if she's never kissed anyone, and he's never kissed anyone, and they're not going out, I would be likely to suspect that nothing is going on. The parent should know the personality of the child and whether they can trust them, is this child the quiet 'one of the boys' type who just has male friends, or is she a flirty party type of girl?

 

Having said that, I would insist on seperate rooms for sleeping, and since I am against pre-marital sex I would not allow an official boyfriend and girlfriend to sleep over unless supervised by parents with the same views as me on sex. I would have to simply trust the child on whether they are just friends or going out though. 

[Tsuga]

That's not what I meant. I meant, I totally get teens avoiding sexual tension.

 

I had relationships with boys without sexual tension, I suppose... but usually, it was meeting in group settings, camping, road trips, etc. with the group, and that was my partner's experience as well... and I always wondered after, when two boys confessed to having had crushes on me. I felt that afterwards, perhaps there was sexual tension but I was blissfully unaware.

 

This is not to say the boys I knew were to able to have friendships. They were, obviously, because we were friends, but that things were not as simple as I perceived them to be.

 

Anyway, my thought was, very frank talk about expectations and sexual behavior in high school and how to say no, and a yes based on that talk.

 

Actually dad said no, whereas I said informed consent. Shockingly, LDS mom said yes because "they aren't interested in things like that yet." This, from a woman whose sister got pregnant in high school. Because you know. High schoolers aren't interested in sex.

 

i guess my perspective is... it happens so fast, you want to be ready.

 

Mom's is, that could never happen to my kid because she's a good kid.

 

Dad's appears to be, you really have no idea what the consequences of this are and I'm not ready to tell you, so no.

 

 

 

I know it has been mentioned that the boy and girl could sleep in separate rooms, but if that's the case, why bother with a sleepover? What would be the point of a sleepover if the two teens weren't sharing a room and staying up late to talk or gossip or whatever? Why don't the boy's parents just invite the girl over for a visit and bring her back home later that evening?

 

I guess that was my thought. A sleepover you sleep side by side and chat all night. As a group, camping, it's fun. As a romantic thing it's exciting. As a platonic thing it's fun. But as two straight kids all alone... okay... but be ready for romantic action.

 

I do understand how that could be fun if the dating couple lived far away from one another.

[abba12]

I know it has been mentioned that the boy and girl could sleep in separate rooms, but if that's the case, why bother with a sleepover? What would be the point of a sleepover if the two teens weren't sharing a room and staying up late to talk or gossip or whatever? Why don't the boy's parents just invite the girl over for a visit and bring her back home later that evening?

 

At a seperate rooms sleepover you can still hang out in the lounge room or outside until the wee hours of the morning when it would be much too late to go home and the rest of the house is asleep. But the risk of being walked in on when someone goes to the bathroom or comes down for a drink is high, most teens wouldn't risk it. Also, I think there's something about that just-before-sleep time (when, lets be totally honest, many teens are accustomed to masturbating before they sleep so those sexual feelings come up more at bedtime)  which can be avoided by separate rooms when it actually comes time to sleep. And then, yes, the rest comes down to trust and letting teens make their own decisions, right or wrong. But at least they're being set up for success with the boundaries given, while still being able to have friends sleep over.

[Catwoman]

At a seperate rooms sleepover you can still hang out in the lounge room or outside until the wee hours of the morning when it would be much too late to go home and the rest of the house is asleep. But the risk of being walked in on when someone goes to the bathroom or comes down for a drink is high, most teens wouldn't risk it. Also, I think there's something about that just-before-sleep time (when, lets be totally honest, many teens are accustomed to masturbating before they sleep so those sexual feelings come up more at bedtime) which can be avoided by separate rooms when it actually comes time to sleep. And then, yes, the rest comes down to trust and letting teens make their own decisions, right or wrong. But at least they're being set up for success with the boundaries given, while still being able to have friends sleep over.

I still don't see the necessity of the sleepover, and I completely disagree that the teens are being "set up for success." What kind of boundaries would exist if the two teens were alone somewhere in the house for hours and hours while the parents were asleep in their own bedroom? There would be no supervision whatsoever -- and that assumes that the parents would be keeping an eye on the teens at all, even when they were awake.

 

I don't think two 14yos are necessarily mature enough to be trusted to make the right decision in that situation. It's way too much opportunity and temptation for kids that young.

[kroe1]

Working in an ER if I had a nickel every time some mom and dad said, "oh, not my son", "my daughter would never do that", "they were at home," I would be richer than Mr. Gold.

 

In every teen agonizing situation which was caused by a behavior there is one of the below:

 

1. Parents not there

2. Sleeping parents

3. Intoxicated parents

 

It all boils down to trusting teens to do the "right" thing given temptation and opportunity. Teens are human, too, albeit a bit more primitive than their future adult selves.

 

I did not read the original post. However, coed teen sleepovers are an accident waiting to happen. No, not all teen sleepovers turn out poorly. Duh. But, it provides opportunity and temptation. Kudos to the original poster who held true to her instincts.

[Sarah CB]

We've had boy/girl group sleepovers lots of times.  These are kids who have been close friends for years.  The group is totally platonic and always has been.  They're generally in an open area (on a trampoline outside, sleeping in a downstairs rec room that is open to the upstairs, etc.).  We've had zero issues.  This group also includes a number of siblings.