Worst Carpool Experience Ever

[Lady Florida.]

I would rather have to drive my kid to every event than deal with that kind of behavior just to not have to drive every time. 

 

 

Spitting?!? They're 14/15 yo and they spit in the car? I just... Oy.

 

 

This is my debate. One of the moms puts up with this behavior as teen girls will be teen girls what can you do.  The third girl is the one really out of control and has had a recent custody change. The parent she's living with now wouldn't do anything, the girl isn't talking to the dad.

 

 

Is it? Normal teen girl behavior? Not in my experience. I taught high school and coached cheerleaders (Junior Varsity, so right around the same age as these girls). Every summer we made a 5 hour drive to Tallahassee in a van and they never acted like that. They got loud. They giggled, squealed, and sang and even did cheers, but they respected the property they were riding in. And cheerleaders often don't fit the rich stuck up stereotype. Some of my girls had pretty crappy home lives but still didn't act like that.

 

You shouldn't have to put up with it. I agree that you should try not to burn bridges, but you can still back out. I like the idea of saying you have other obligations. 

[Reefgazer]

He was.  He was also the best-loved bus driver ever.  Students cried on the day of his retirement - high school students.

I'd Iike to be like your old bus driver, too. That man must have been Buddha.

 

[Tap]

She's opening the door while the car is moving -- what exactly would she have to do to trigger someone to "be the parent who caused trouble" for her? Illegal drugs in the vehicle? Taunting the daughter? Physical bullying? How about swearing at someone, or swearing in general? Tossing stuff outside the car? What would the Not Wanting To Cause Waves Parent do then? 

 

In other words, if  "not wanting to cause trouble" is a good enough excuse to ignore highly inappropriate behavior, when exactly would the behavior be bad enough to trigger a parental response?

 

In my experience, if you ignore bad behavior, it GETS WORSE.

 

Another question I would have for people to ponder: why do the well-behaved people have to worry about "burning bridges?"

 

Maybe the misbehaving girls should worry about burning bridges. And their parents.

 

If I were a parent of a misbehaving kid, I absolutely would want to know about it!

 

She said that other parents know of this girls issues, so this isn't a secret that only she knows.  The OP said in the first post:

 

1. I told them they could not bring the big bag of Doritos in the car because last time they left the bag/mess for me to clean up. Somehow they snuck the bag into the car and yup, left it there.

2. They took their shoes off and put their feet on the roof of my car. (Could be worse, they could have left their shoes on.)

3. Screaming and yelling. I asked them to quiet down, they didn't. (This I could tolerate if it was the only thing.)

4. They started spitting at each other (in the car).

5. While car is moving tried climbing into the back to get something.

6. Started bashing private schools. Not ours directly, but my daughter was still offended at what they were saying.

7. The final straw, they left dirt all over the back seat and then the girl who did it rudely told my daughter that our car was a mess and we should clean it. Well, I had just cleaned the car out that afternoon and I know there was no dirt on the seat, not to mention it had turf in it so I know it couldn't have been from my kids.

Oh, 8. There was water all over the back of my car. (I hope it was water. ;-)

 

I interpret this as:

1. Left a wrapper in the car

2. Put their feet on the roof of the car (she didn't say it left foot prints or did damage, just put them up there)

3. They were loud

4. They spit at each other

5. They tried to reach over the back seat

6. Talked bad about private schooled kids

7. The left the car messy.

 

 

Those are not things to go ballistic over in my book.  Those are things that say 'rude kids--glad they are not mine' and then I move on.  It is not up to me to parent every. single. person that rides in my car.  She was the carpool driver.  Not a coach, Not a teacher, Not a hired bus driver, Not in a position to be responsible to do anything but drive them safely from point A to B.   If the OP felt distracted, then she should have pulled over and dealt with the distraction.  Since she didn't, I assume it wasn't so distracting that she felt she couldn't drive safely. 

 

I am the parent who speaks up.  I am the parent who drives carpool. I have worked for schools.  I am the parent that teens come to when they need help.  But I also know my place. The kids got the car dirty, said something rude, were loud and didn't sit correctly in the seats at all times.,....this is not something that I would go tell the parents about.    These things she mentioned are wayyyyyy different that your examples.  There was not talk of opening car doors, drugs, taunting, throwing things out of a car.....  they are teenagers and IRL they were being annoying, not dangerous, overreacting is not going to gain respect, but it will create problems for the daughter.

 

The parents likely already know that the kids are not angels. If the kids are acting like that in someone else's car, then the parents already know how their kid acts.   Calling attention to it, is not going to make a bit of difference in my experience.  But, in retaliation, it will quite possibly get he her own daughter labeled.

 

She doesn't want them in her car again, so keep it simple.  Just don't drive them anymore.  If the OP wants to carpool it, then deal with the girls directly, not the parents. They are teenagers, not 2 year olds (even if they were acting like ones).

[Plateau Mama]

[quote name="Tap" post="6407198" timestamp="1433978129 If the OP felt distracted, then she should have pulled over and dealt with the distraction. Since she didn't, I assume it wasn't so distracting that she felt she couldn't drive safely.

 

I am the parent who speaks up. I am the parent who drives carpool. I have worked for schools. I am the parent that teens come to when they need help. But I also know my place. The kids got the car dirty, said something rude, were loud and didn't sit correctly in the seats at all times.,....this is not something that I would go tell the parents about. These things she mentioned are wayyyyyy different that your examples. There was not talk of opening car doors, drugs, taunting, throwing things out of a car..... they are teenagers and IRL they were being annoying, not dangerous, overreacting is not going to gain respect, but it will create problems for the daughter.

 

).

 

They were absolutly being distracting to the point of dangerous but I was on the freeway in rush hour traffic and it would have been just as unsafe for me to pull onto the shoulder and talk to them. It would not have been easy to get off the freeway to a safe parking lot. I did tell them several times to settle down.

 

But saying anything to the girls or parents won't fix the problem so I will just drive my own child and leave it at that.

[Trish]

She said that other parents know of this girls issues, so this isn't a secret that only she knows.  

 

I interpret this as:

1. Left a wrapper in the car

2. Put their feet on the roof of the car (she didn't say it left foot prints or did damage, just put them up there)

3. They were loud

4. They spit at each other

5. They tried to reach over the back seat

6. Talked bad about private schooled kids

7. The left the car messy.

 

 

Those are not things to go ballistic over in my book.  Those are things that say 'rude kids--glad they are not mine' and then I move on.  It is not up to me to parent every. single. person that rides in my car.  She was the carpool driver.  Not a coach, Not a teacher, Not a hired bus driver, Not in a position to be responsible to do anything but drive them safely from point A to B.   If the OP felt distracted, then she should have pulled over and dealt with the distraction.  Since she didn't, I assume it wasn't so distracting that she felt she couldn't drive safely. 

 

  These things she mentioned are wayyyyyy different that your examples.  There was not talk of opening car doors, drugs, taunting, throwing things out of a car.....  they are teenagers and IRL they were being annoying, not dangerous, overreacting is not going to gain respect, but it will create problems for the daughter.

 

The parents likely already know that the kids are not angels. If the kids are acting like that in someone else's car, then the parents already know how their kid acts.   Calling attention to it, is not going to make a bit of difference in my experience.  But, in retaliation, it will quite possibly get he her own daughter labeled.

 

 

She said it was in fact THAT distracting. I did not suggest going ballistic on the girls. She already spoke to them to no avail. At that point I would head back to the point of origin and drop the girls off. If you feel no explanation is necessary, perhaps you're right! But I would've offered one, in case the parent were wondering why their children were home so early.

 

I can't imagine behaving as described above, and the parent actually agreeing to drive me ANYWHERE I wished to go!

[Lady Florida.]

 

 

Another question I would have for people to ponder: why do the well-behaved people have to worry about "burning bridges?"

 

Maybe the misbehaving girls should worry about burning bridges. And their parents.

 

 

 

As the OP pointed out, her daughter is on a team with these girls. She wants to handle it in a way that will not make it difficult for her daughter, who will have to see them and work with them as a member of the same team. Sometimes diplomacy is necessary, even when you don't feel like being diplomatic.

[Joker]

I have 13 and 15 year old dds. I often have a SUV full of girls that age. None have ever acted as you described! If they had, they would never be in my car again. I don't see it as normal behavior at all.

[chocolatechip]

That is beyond ridiculous. 14-15 yr olds should know better. Period. 

[PrairieSong]

My kids played a lot of sports in junior high and high school on homeschooling teams. I've driven many groups of kids to and from practice or games, sometimes a few hours away. I have never ever had the kind of problems you are describing. Rude and obnoxious. No way would I put up with it.

[Plateau Mama]

OP here with an update.

 

Well I ended up talking to two parents.

 

Parent one was the kids will be kids parent. I simply said "hey can you talk to your kid about food in the car" and then when I picked them up mom apologized and I said "really that was the least of the issues. I Almost turned back and brought them home." That mom talked with her kid about proper expectations.

 

The dad to the really out of control kid emailed hey I heard there was an incident. Before I talked to him I figured out it was the coach who threw me under the bus when talking to the dad about his daughters behavior. I told the dad some of the things and he got really defensive. I feel I was fair in my evaluation. I said all the girls were to blame and I could have handled it differently. I said I knew he was in a tough spot since daughter had moved out etc. He was still very defensive.

 

I haven't talked with the 3rd girls parents. Girl didn't go to practice all last week.

 

So I will continue with carpool, for now, but I will be much firmer in my expectations. Coach has said she is totally OK with me dealing with the issue and being late so that is what I will do.

[creekland]

So I will continue with carpool, for now, but I will be much firmer in my expectations. Coach has said she is totally OK with me dealing with the issue and being late so that is what I will do.

 

It is definitely better to teach (nicely) than to ignore and allow the lack of social skills to be seen as perfectly fine.

 

I wish you the best with it!  Glad the coach is on your side.

 

It might also help to remember that kids learn better from rewards and kudos than punishment and nagging... They also do best when they know the ground rules.

 

I suspect I'd start with talking with them all briefly acknowledging the past and starting the new rules now.

 

"I know in the past you girls have had food in my car and put your feet on the ceiling and spit at each other & I've never said much, but honestly?  Those really aren't things that should be happening and from now on I don't want to see them in my car, ok?  If I do see them, I plan to stop the car until things change.  The coach knows and is ok if we're late.  Overall though, I'm pretty sure we can all get along and not have issues, because you're all good kids who know these things and just got carried away before, right?"

 

I might answer a question or two if they come up, but otherwise, I'd consider the subject dropped and would only bring it up again if I had to give a quick reminder.  "Hey Susie?  Remember I don't really like feet on my ceiling."  If Susie didn't change, then stop...

 

I WOULD give a reminder if necessary - once, maybe twice (two different times, not twice the same time) - more than that should not be necessary.