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Worst Carpool Experience Ever


Plateau Mama
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Update in post #61

 

Just got finished driving the carpool from hell. I've been part of this carpool for two years now and today I so wanted to pull over and call their parents to come get them.

 

Little background. This is a sport carpool. Two days a week, one of the dads usually drives the girls for tournaments when they have to be there at dark-o-clock so the others don't have to get siblings up super early. Last year there were two other girls. This year it is three.

 

I feel like it is tolerable if it's just two of the girls. Not enjoyable but tolerable. But with all three they seem to feed of each other. So tonight pushed me (and my daughter) to the edge. Here are some of the things that happened. The girls are 14/15 btw.

 

1. I told them they could not bring the big bag of Doritos in the car because last time they left the bag/mess for me to clean up. Somehow they snuck the bag into the car and yup, left it there.

2. They took their shoes off and put their feet on the roof of my car. (Could be worse, they could have left their shoes on.)

3. Screaming and yelling. I asked them to quiet down, they didn't. (This I could tolerate if it was the only thing.)

4. They started spitting at each other (in the car).

5. While car is moving tried climbing into the back to get something.

6. Started bashing private schools. Not ours directly, but my daughter was still offended at what they were saying.

7. The final straw, they left dirt all over the back seat and then the girl who did it rudely told my daughter that our car was a mess and we should clean it. Well, I had just cleaned the car out that afternoon and I know there was no dirt on the seat, not to mention it had turf in it so I know it couldn't have been from my kids.

Oh, 8. There was water all over the back of my car. (I hope it was water. ;-)

 

So, I have decided that we aren't going to carpool anymore. Hassle for me, but not worth the stress. I'm just not sure if I come up with an excuse or if I tell the parents why. I don't want to burn bridges because if my daughter plays on the high school team again she will see all these girls. Not to mention she has to finish out the travel season. (She is planning on finding a new team next year for several reasons.)

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Yikes. :eek:

 

You were far more patient with those girls than I would have been!

Yeah. I would've pulled over and called parents to come get their wild animals. Spitting? What the heck?

 

I wouldn't fabricate an excuse. Just say carpool doesn't work for you right now.

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I wouldn't carpool anymore either.  I would just say we aren't going to be available and leave it at that.  Do not burn bridges for a girl going into high school, especially if it involved other girls with bad manners.  

 

 

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That's really WEIRD behavior for those ages. If it were me, I'd send a carefully crafted email to the parents telling them you plan to lecture all the girls on their carpooling behavior and list the specific offenses to give them a heads up. They may surprise you, back you up, and you could all finish the season with a more civilized carpool. Of course they could get offended and pissy and pull from the carpool, but you're no worse off.

 

If the parents backed me up, I'd have no trouble lecturing them on proper behavior, passenger safety, and general respect.

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I wouldn't carpool anymore either. I would just say we aren't going to be available and leave it at that. Do not burn bridges for a girl going into high school, especially if it involved other girls with bad manners.

My daughter is already in high school. One of the girls is a freshman like my daughter, the other two are 8th grade. My daughter goes to a private school but plays for the local high school because her school does not have a team. So it only really affects her if she plays next year but I don't want to make it uncomfortable for her if she does.

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Yeah. I would've pulled over and called parents to come get their wild animals. Spitting? What the heck?

 

I wouldn't fabricate an excuse. Just say carpool doesn't work for you right now.

I so should have called the parents but I didn't want my daughter to be late. We were 20 minutes late last week because one of the girls couldn't find her gear.

 

The excuse I would use is my daughter is starting drivers Ed and needs the driving practice without distraction. A valid excuse, other than it will probably be a couple of months before she is comfortable driving that distance at rush hour.

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That's really WEIRD behavior for those ages. If it were me, I'd send a carefully crafted email to the parents telling them you plan to lecture all the girls on their carpooling behavior and list the specific offenses to give them a heads up. They may surprise you, back you up, and you could all finish the season with a more civilized carpool. Of course they could get offended and pissy and pull from the carpool, but you're no worse off.

 

If the parents backed me up, I'd have no trouble lecturing them on proper behavior, passenger safety, and general respect.

This is my debate. One of the moms puts up with this behavior as teen girls will be teen girls what can you do. One would probably lecture her child but she's the least problematic one. The third girl is the one really out of control and has had a recent custody change. The parent she's living with now wouldn't do anything, the girl isn't talking to the dad. Because of this I fear nothing would really change, and this girl is likely to be passive aggressive if you call her on her behavior. She already doesn't like meme cause I'm not a pushover.

 

One of the girls got out of the car, took a swig out of her water bottle and spit it out all over another girl. I was shocked!

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I would have flipped out.

 

Pulled over.

 

Dressed them down.

 

Turned right back around.

 

And returned them all to their parents with reports of how unacceptable they'd behaved.

 

That's well beyond the bounds of a little teen silliness and straight into rude, snotty disrespect. Nope. No flipping way.

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Yep, cancel the carpool and distance yourself from these human-llama hybrids. (Maybe the dirt and turf was from hooves?) That's just terrible. I honestly don't think I could have finished the drive because I would be so angry and distracted.

 

:grouphug:

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With what you say regarding the girls' home situations, I'd have pulled over (before all you mentioned happened - somewhere shortly after it started) and worked on teaching these young ladies proper social behavior in a firm, but tactful, way.  They are right at the age where they are exploring and pushing boundaries.  Their reasoning (internal reasoning) is not yet working and often needs coaching, esp if they aren't getting it at home, but many times, even if they are, as once they get into groups following the leader makes perfect social sense to them.

 

I'm pretty experienced with this sort of thing at school, so it comes natural to me in other situations as well.  It can be much tougher when it's a first experience as we do tend to look at typical teen behavior and go WTH???

 

Best wishes to you as you move on.  I'd definitely end the carpool if I couldn't fix the behavior.  The stress is not worth it.

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I would drop out of the carpool with as little said as possible. I doubt any unwanted feedback on the kids' behavior will do any kind of good. Other people's kids are going to be how they are. I would just want to protect my own kid from it. I also have issues with being distracted while driving, so I could not continue driving anyone whose behavior is distracting.

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Teens being unruly in my car. I pull over. Tell them why and wait for them to get their acts together. I may give carpool one more chance. If still not up to snuff I would tell others carpool not working right now and dropping out.

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Yes, I've been in good and so-so carpools. Thankfully never one that bad.

 

IMHO you carpool for convenience.  If it's not buying you anything, drop out.

 

We were in a really good weekly one for the last two years.  Everyone was well-behaved and drop-off/pick-up went well.  It saved me so much time.  Next year the class is much closer to home, and we won't need one.

 

A friend emailed yesterday proposing a monthly carpool for another reason. I started thinking about the logistics of that because it's an entirely different group. It would be on one of my busiest days of the week. Sometimes I couldn't even go, and the whole thing isn't a must as it is.  Nope.  I think we'll just pass on the whole thing.

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Wow - 14/15 year olds!?  I have a 14 year old son and though him and his friends can be loud with their chatter in the car, I can't imagine them being this rude.  Ick.  I did pull over one time on a kid that was 11 at the time that was obsessed with my son and being obnoxious in a moving vehicle and that kid has been an angel ever since (they are neighbors and we carpool fairly regularly to various things).  I knew her parents would back me up on it too..  I'm pretty tolerant, but I'd put an end to that too!

 

Sounds like the kid with the custody issue is in turmoil.  And sometimes one kid starting something can be a catalyst.  I taught a class to 12-14 year olds last spring.  There was one kid in class that was the chattiest and most distracting.  Whoever he sat near then also became chatty and distracting even after being focused and quiet the previous week!

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Honestly, I'd stop the carpool and tell the parents why, giving one or two of the worst examples. These girls have to be told that their behavior is 100% unacceptable. As a parent, I would absolutely want to know if my kid did anything even remotely like what you experienced. You'd be getting an apology and the offer of a car wash/cleaning as well. I know you said most of the parents won't care, but I would still tell them in a matter-of-fact way that because the girls ignored your reasonable requests and showed a complete lack of respect for you and your property, you don't feel comfortable having them in your vehicle in the future. So sorry you had to deal with this--I'd be furious,too.

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I would have flipped out.

 

Pulled over.

 

Dressed them down.

 

Turned right back around.

 

And returned them all to their parents with reports of how unacceptable they'd behaved.

 

That's well beyond the bounds of a little teen silliness and straight into rude, snotty disrespect. Nope. No flipping way.

 

This.

 

There are more important things in life than getting to a soccer game on time. If you had done this, it would've been the Disciplinary Moment your child would bring up in conversation until the end of time as an example of How It's Done. (I know, because my siblings and I still cite parental moments like this from our childhoods and there are several of them)

 

This would've been the Bridge Over The River Kwai for me.

 

Not meaning you should go ballistic with the parents, just explain calmly what happened and it isn't going to be happening any more because you're done with the car pool.

 

Allowing that to go on in your car is NOT the lesson I'd want to be giving my kid. I had a similar moment back when my kids were in school, driving home from a field trip. The boys started taking stuff out of seat pockets and throwing it at each other (tissues, maps, miscellaneous). Then someone started DRAWING on the roof of our van with a pencil. It was a large van and they were pretty far back, but as soon as I noticed it I pulled off the freeway and into a fast food parking lot. Got out of the vehicle and stepped into the rear to YELL at everyone. (and I am not a  yeller) I said I expected PERFECT behavior on the way home, or everyone's parent would be getting a phone call from me this very day.

 

Glorious Silence for the next half hour.

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I wouldn't carpool anymore either.  I would just say we aren't going to be available and leave it at that.  Do not burn bridges for a girl going into high school, especially if it involved other girls with bad manners.  

 

There's a lot of power in just ending it quietly and walking away. 

 

I hate carpools but they are necessary sometimes. Hugs to you and your DD. Good grief!

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I love your excuse; it is valid and relevant. I would not burn bridges.

Thank you. For tomorrow I'm just going to say we are doing something after practice so I will drive her. Then, next week after she has her permit, I will tell them we won't be participating in carpool so she can have the driving practice.

 

I gave some thought to it and the issues really happen when one girl is there. Unfortunately due to circumstances her not being in the carpool isn't an option so I will just quietly bow out.

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I understand the desire to go nuclear on their butts, but her daughter will pay the price. It would feel good short term, but would end up making her daughter miserable. And it is highly unlikely to produce any changes. Just let your daughter know you won't be dealing with that crap any more. Let the carpool know that you have other obligations etc and just do your own thing.

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I would have flipped out.

 

Pulled over.

 

Dressed them down.

 

Turned right back around.

 

And returned them all to their parents with reports of how unacceptable they'd behaved.

 

That's well beyond the bounds of a little teen silliness and straight into rude, snotty disrespect. Nope. No flipping way.

 

This. There is no way I'd put up with that kind of behavior in my car. I'd have pulled over, given them ONE warning, and then turned it right around and dropped them back off telling their parents exactly what happened.  I'd still do it if I were you now. Who cares if a bridge is burned with these kinds of girls? Your daughter is better off without them in my opinion. 

 

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this! I'd be so upset if I were in your place! :(

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I would drop out of the carpool with as little said as possible. I doubt any unwanted feedback on the kids' behavior will do any kind of good. Other people's kids are going to be how they are. 

In general, I agree—but while they're in my vehicle under my supervision, I don't give a rat's patoot whether my feedback is unwanted—they would hear it anyway. If the behavior stopped after I addressed it, I'd continue on to the destination and drop out of the carpool. 

 

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I've been there! Sort of. My nephew acted that way at 15 years old. I drove my sons and him into downtown Washington DC. It was about 2 hours from my house, so we were on the road for a good 6 hours that day (2 down, 2 back, 2 in town). While I'm driving in bumper to bumper DC traffic, he was randomly hitting my hazard lights, pretending to fling his water bottle out of the car, throwing his hat around the car, trying to scare me by yelling "RAH!" and lunging at me. While I'm driving.

 

I was astounded at how horrible he was. I admit, I had NO CLUE how to handle it. I thought I would have been strong and said, "Stop it this instant!" and stopped the car and all, but I didn't. I was just so flabergasted that I didn't do anything except tell him to stop and then he wouldn't.

 

I understand how you wish you could go back and do it right and dress the girls down, but that it's really hard to yell at other people's kids.

 

He's 16 now and has done a 180. He's back to being a normal human again. But from 14-15, he was a terror.

 

I don't have advice about how to back out of the pool now (tell the truth, or just say, "can't carpool right now.) But I understand!

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In general, I agree—but while they're in my vehicle under my supervision, I don't give a rat's patoot whether my feedback is unwanted—they would hear it anyway. If the behavior stopped after I addressed it, I'd continue on to the destination and seriously consider dropping out of the carpool. 

 

:iagree: As a parent, I WOULD want to know about this and I would talk to my teen about respecting drivers and other people's space and property.  So I would probably tell the parents behavoir was an issue unless I already had a background with these people to indicate they would get their hackles up.  I think you can report stuff like this to other parents without anger or judgment.  Just because a kid is horrible in one instance doesn't mean they're horrible overall.

 

I'm also known to say stuff to older kids like "Wow - that was 4 year old behavoir.  Does your mom know you do stuff like that?". 

 

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With what you say regarding the girls' home situations, I'd have pulled over (before all you mentioned happened - somewhere shortly after it started) and worked on teaching these young ladies proper social behavior in a firm, but tactful, way. They are right at the age where they are exploring and pushing boundaries. Their reasoning (internal reasoning) is not yet working and often needs coaching, esp if they aren't getting it at home, but many times, even if they are, as once they get into groups following the leader makes perfect social sense to them.

 

I'm pretty experienced with this sort of thing at school, so it comes natural to me in other situations as well. It can be much tougher when it's a first experience as we do tend to look at typical teen behavior and go WTH???

 

Best wishes to you as you move on. I'd definitely end the carpool if I couldn't fix the behavior. The stress is not worth it.

If I could go back in time with my nephew, this is how I would have wanted to handle it. I would not have yelled. I'd have taught. Gently and quietly, yet firmly. I'd have kept quietly pulling over until the behavior was appropriate. Not in anger, but with an attitude of teaching. But that's for a nephew. It would be harder with non-family members.
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I've been there! Sort of. My nephew acted that way at 15 years old. I drove my sons and him into downtown Washington DC. It was about 2 hours from my house, so we were on the road for a good 6 hours that day (2 down, 2 back, 2 in town). While I'm driving in bumper to bumper DC traffic, he was randomly hitting my hazard lights, pretending to fling his water bottle out of the car, throwing his hat around the car, trying to scare me by yelling "RAH!" and lunging at me. While I'm driving.

!

One of the girls does theses things. Will open the door while car is moving etc. I always put her in the third row of my van so she doesn't have access to the door or any controls and she is as far away as possible from me so I'm not as distracted. All the parents know she does this stuff and they know why she is in my 3rd row. I think they think I'm kidding, but whatever.

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One of the girls does theses things. Will open the door while car is moving etc. I always put her in the third row of my van so she doesn't have access to the door or any controls and she is as far away as possible from me so I'm not as distracted. All the parents know she does this stuff and they know why she is in my 3rd row. I think they think I'm kidding, but whatever.

 

That, along with some of the other stuff, is really not typical for their age. I think at least one of the girls has some issues,

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One of the girls does theses things. Will open the door while car is moving etc. I always put her in the third row of my van so she doesn't have access to the door or any controls and she is as far away as possible from me so I'm not as distracted. All the parents know she does this stuff and they know why she is in my 3rd row. I think they think I'm kidding, but whatever.

She's done crap like that before and you kept driving her? You would be liable if anything happened to her or the other kids or another car on the road. I'd be scared to drive her! Does she act this way on the team? What does your daughter think about the behavior of her teammates? Hopefully they don't travel. I wouldn't want my kid around a completely loose canon like that, especially if she doesn't feel comfortable enough to stand up for herself and you. That's a terrible situation all around.

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My daughter is already in high school. One of the girls is a freshman like my daughter, the other two are 8th grade. My daughter goes to a private school but plays for the local high school because her school does not have a team. So it only really affects her if she plays next year but I don't want to make it uncomfortable for her if she does.

Whether or not she attends the public school with them or not, it doesn't matter in my book.  If she is high school age, and will be on a sports team with those girls, you do not want to be the parent who caused trouble for them.  As an adult, you can handle teen age peer-pressure/social bullying.  But, for your daughter, Especially since they already think less of kids in private school, it will just give them one more reason to pick on her.

 

Mean girls suck.  Mean girls who have a target....can make that girls life a living h3ll. 

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The spitting me would have sent me over the edge.

Yeah. I'm good until bodily fluids. Even my two and four year olds know that it is totally unacceptable to spit at anyone, ever, and consequences are enforced. With teens, it's pretty much unthinkable they'd actually engage in that, especially after being told off about it.

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She's done crap like that before and you kept driving her? You would be liable if anything happened to her or the other kids or another car on the road. I'd be scared to drive her! Does she act this way on the team? What does your daughter think about the behavior of her teammates? Hopefully they don't travel. I wouldn't want my kid around a completely loose canon like that, especially if she doesn't feel comfortable enough to stand up for herself and you. That's a terrible situation all around.

She has never opened the door on my watch. I put her in the back row as a precaution.

 

My daughter was really upset last night.

 

We do travel, not a lot and all drivable, so far. Due to an incident last year (not with the girls but a parent(s), I will not let her travel with the team alone. There is one parent on the treat I totally trust and I would let her go with her but only if it couldn't be helped.

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In general, I agree—but while they're in my vehicle under my supervision, I don't give a rat's patoot whether my feedback is unwanted—they would hear it anyway. If the behavior stopped after I addressed it, I'd continue on to the destination and drop out of the carpool. 

 

 

I meant feedback to the parents - I wouldn't bother.  I've learned that most parents really don't seem to care and don't want to hear it.  I would say something to the kids, but calmly so they wouldn't have fun laughing about the time DD's mom lost it, ha ha.  All I would say to the other parents is that we would not be carpooling anymore. 

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I understand the desire to go nuclear on their butts, but her daughter will pay the price. It would feel good short term, but would end up making her daughter miserable. And it is highly unlikely to produce any changes. Just let your daughter know you won't be dealing with that crap any more. Let the carpool know that you have other obligations etc and just do your own thing.

 

Exactly. 

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Here's what my elementary school bus driver did with his unruly students:  He did not raise his voice.  He just stopped the bus, turned it off, and didn't move until he got what he wanted.  The more times he had to do this, the longer we sat each time.  Took no time at all for us to figure out what his method was.  Sitting by the side of the road for 1/2 hour should change their perspective. 

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Here's what my elementary school bus driver did with his unruly students: He did not raise his voice. He just stopped the bus, turned it off, and didn't move until he got what he wanted. The more times he had to do this, the longer we sat each time. Took no time at all for us to figure out what his method was. Sitting by the side of the road for 1/2 hour should change their perspective.

I did this with a car full of Girl Scouts once. Works wonders.

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I understand the desire to go nuclear on their butts, but her daughter will pay the price. It would feel good short term, but would end up making her daughter miserable. And it is highly unlikely to produce any changes. Just let your daughter know you won't be dealing with that crap any more. Let the carpool know that you have other obligations etc and just do your own thing.

 

Going nuclear isn't the answer, of course, but using it as a firm, but kind, teaching moment doesn't cause problems later on.  My son went to public school for high school and has often relayed to me how much students come up to him telling him what a great mom he has.  It took him a couple of years to see it since he's my kid and sees my ugly side too.  But in general, kids respect those who treat them with respect.  They don't respect those who don't "earn" it via either doing nothing or going nuclear.

 

Even naturally "bad" kids get along with me.  I like that - as do they - as does our terrific dude who works with these kids in the school.  All they want is respect.

 

If I could go back in time with my nephew, this is how I would have wanted to handle it. I would not have yelled. I'd have taught. Gently and quietly, yet firmly. I'd have kept quietly pulling over until the behavior was appropriate. Not in anger, but with an attitude of teaching. But that's for a nephew. It would be harder with non-family members.

 

It's easy for me to do as it comes via second nature, but it's really difficult for me to tell others to do it as there's a fine line between "training/teaching" and not.  Each specific situation I deal with is different, and while some have common responses (by me), others take that inner sense of what's right.

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Whether or not she attends the public school with them or not, it doesn't matter in my book.  If she is high school age, and will be on a sports team with those girls, you do not want to be the parent who caused trouble for them.  As an adult, you can handle teen age peer-pressure/social bullying.  But, for your daughter, Especially since they already think less of kids in private school, it will just give them one more reason to pick on her.

 

Mean girls suck.  Mean girls who have a target....can make that girls life a living h3ll. 

 

She's opening the door while the car is moving -- what exactly would she have to do to trigger someone to "be the parent who caused trouble" for her? Illegal drugs in the vehicle? Taunting the daughter? Physical bullying? How about swearing at someone, or swearing in general? Tossing stuff outside the car? What would the Not Wanting To Cause Waves Parent do then? 

 

In other words, if  "not wanting to cause trouble" is a good enough excuse to ignore highly inappropriate behavior, when exactly would the behavior be bad enough to trigger a parental response?

 

In my experience, if you ignore bad behavior, it GETS WORSE.

 

Another question I would have for people to ponder: why do the well-behaved people have to worry about "burning bridges?"

 

Maybe the misbehaving girls should worry about burning bridges. And their parents.

 

If I were a parent of a misbehaving kid, I absolutely would want to know about it!

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Here's what my elementary school bus driver did with his unruly students: He did not raise his voice. He just stopped the bus, turned it off, and didn't move until he got what he wanted. The more times he had to do this, the longer we sat each time. Took no time at all for us to figure out what his method was. Sitting by the side of the road for 1/2 hour should change their perspective.

My bus driver did that too!

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Actually, I like to think I would have the self-control of my old bus driver to just sit there, but this is the honest truth of what I would probably actually do. 

I would have flipped out.

Pulled over.

Dressed them down.

Turned right back around.

And returned them all to their parents with reports of how unacceptable they'd behaved.

That's well beyond the bounds of a little teen silliness and straight into rude, snotty disrespect. Nope. No flipping way.

 

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In my experience, if you ignore bad behavior, it GETS WORSE.

...

If I were a parent of a misbehaving kid, I absolutely would want to know about it!

 

:iagree:   Kids at this age are testing their wings.  If it works out for them, why should they change?  They'll just try more to see what happens.  It honestly doesn't occur to many of them that their behavior is not ok unless it's pointed out.

 

Many kids have parents who teach them social skills.  Some do not.  Some seem to instinctively just "know."  Others definitely do not.

 

Even among those who have parents who teach them there will be some testing when away from parents.  I'm grateful to those who told US when that happened with our (generally very well behaved) guys.  They learned an important lesson from it.  They learned our social society is a society, not just a family.  If they hadn't learned that they could have picked up that manners are only important when mom & dad are around.  That's really NOT a good lesson to learn IMO.

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Actually, I like to think I would have the self-control of my old bus driver to just sit there, but this is the honest truth of what I would probably actually do.

I'd Iike to be like your old bus driver, too. That man must have been Buddha.

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I would drop out. You don't need to give them details, probably every other driver wants to dropout, too!

 

I believe it's a safety issue. I wouldn't put my daughter in a vehicle with a driver that is likely to be distracted by the ridiculously inappropriate shenanigans you've described. Just no.

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