S/O: How do you help kids learn to self-regulate screens when they've struggled with it thus far?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

And by struggled with it, I mean that they show no interest or desire whatsoever to self-regulate their screen time!

 

Long story short, my kids were given iPads several years ago, and we've struggled with screen usage ever since. I'm the first to admit that I didn't manage it well, and I really didn't see how the problem was creeping until it was too late. At this point, the kids are old enough (nearly 10 and 13) to be wanting (and needing) to use their screens for school- and personal-interest-related research, and I do think there's great value in that. However, I have no idea how to help them learn to self-manage their time at this point and rely on passcodes, nagging, and threats to get/keep them off their devices.

 

Oldest DD is more compliant and will somewhat "self-manage" if I give her parameters. Youngest is...well, NOT compliant :willy_nilly:  She's also my sensory-seeker. She would be on her iPad 24/7 if allowed. She has an audiobook going at all times, which I've made peace with, so I know she needs the stimulation. But that makes self-regulating her screen time even more difficult, because the stimulation is so powerful for her. 

 

So my goal, of course, is to help them learn to manage their screen time themselves. But is there a way to do that in the face of such a powerful pull, and given that there are really so many good reasons to use their devices (managing library accounts, downloading e/audiobooks, conducting research, listening to music on our Amazon Prime account, general communication via email/Facetime, etc.)? Is this just something I need to continue to manage until they're older and develop a bit more self-discipline? Can anyone promise me that my youngest will develop any self-discipline, ever?! 

 

TIA!

 

 

[Mom22ns]

So my goal, of course, is to help them learn to manage their screen time themselves. But is there a way to do that in the face of such a powerful pull, and given that there are really so many good reasons to use their devices (managing library accounts, downloading e/audiobooks, conducting research, listening to music on our Amazon Prime account, general communication via email/Facetime, etc.)? Is this just something I need to continue to manage until they're older and develop a bit more self-discipline? Can anyone promise me that my youngest will develop any self-discipline, ever?! 

 

TIA!

 

No, there are really no guarantees she will develop self-discipline. However, my experience with a total screen junkie says that you can help. Right now, I would be very heavily monitoring use. Helping them decide when it is and isn't appropriate. Store the iPads in a public place so they have to come and get them when they need them. 

 

We still keep chargers for laptops and iPads in public places. They can take the devices to their rooms, but I didn't allow that at 10. It was a gradual release. First, public use only, me keeping an eye on amount of time. Then, gradual release of time me watching less, them controlling more. Eventually, the devices went out to their rooms and quit being monitored. However, my oldest was probably in high school before he could handle that. Not 10. You've got some years of working up to that in my opinion. 

 

We love our screens. We all use them a lot. Sometimes the kids probably abuse that and use them too much. However, I do not want the first time they have total control to be when they go away to college! Dd was never very interested and always managed good control of screen time. Ds was an addict and we had to spoon it out slowly and very gradually let him learn the control. That is my recommendation for your 10 yo too.

[Orthodox6]

Teach your values.

Model your values openly so that children can see them. No hypocrisy allowed.

Maintain a sturdy backbone against complaints.

Have reasonable answers to explain your parental beliefs and share them respectfully.

So long as the child is a minor, your rules hold sway.

Autonomy is granted and acquired gradually according to age and behaviour.

Heed any "special factors". For example, I have both ADHD and OCD (and/or Asperger's -- likely both). Therefore I am vulnerable to great overuse of games, message boards, and similar.

[LucyStoner]

We have a device basket at home and we all put our screens in it during family time and meals.

 

Touch screen games are designed to be addictive so we steer clear except for a few limited exceptions.

 

I'd put restrictions on before and after certain hours.

[Anne in CA]

The main thing that I did that helped was take two different week long "screen free" vacations where we went camping, hiking, ect at the beginning of summer and at the end and they would do better for awhile when they came back after their "detox". But my two older children never learned self discipline with screens and I don't know that the youngest will, and believe me, I have done everything. DH, doesn't see the problem, so it was all of them against me. Also, I don't think we could do a screen free vacation now if I wanted to because DH would NEVER be parted from his IPhone that long. He has a solar charger for it so he can take it into the wilderness.

[Miss Tick]

One thing I try to teach them is to have an end time or event before they get started. "How long are you going to play? How will you know when to stop?" We also have a minimal list of things that need to be completed before starting, like school, piano, and done independent project work.

 

Take it with a grain of salt, though, my kids are still young!

[Valley Girl]

One thing I try to teach them is to have an end time or event before they get started. "How long are you going to play? How will you know when to stop?" We also have a minimal list of things that need to be completed before starting, like school, piano, and done independent project work.

 

Take it with a grain of salt, though, my kids are still young!

 

That's how we handle it for the most part. We also give a specific amount of time and use a timer. It's not foolproof as there is always the plea for 5 more minutes to finish something, but it's working reasonably well.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Some people never learn to regulate their screen time. A few years ago a friend attending community college told me that all or nearly all the women in her class complained about their husbands/boyfriends being addicted to video games. From what I can tell, the people who are the most attracted to screen time are often those with the lowest ability to self-regulate their usage.

[JumpyTheFrog]

My brother was a video game addict and is still paying the price for his 3 wasted years of college. Screen time also tends to make my intense child even more mouthy, so we have strict limits here. They can play the Wii or iPad for 15 minutes each on Saturdays and Sundays. That gives them about an hour per week. They see about two or three movies per year. Anything more than that is asking for trouble with my oldest.

[AK_Mom4]

Our best ( most successful with least amount of headache for me!) technique over the years has been limited hours.  Screens could be used between dinner and bedtime - if there wasn't some different activity going on (homework, sports, music, scouts, etc) and the time had to be shared.  Screens were also OK on Saturday mornings before we started cleaning the house (usually around 9am).  If they really wanted to play, they crawled out of bed early on Saturday morning.   :lol:

 

Since bedtime was a pretty non-negotiable 9pm, that helped the kids develop their own routines for wrapping up what they were doing so they didn't have to shut down mid-game.

 

DD13, being the last kid home, gets whatever screen time she wants since she doesn't have to share.  Only school stuff during the day until school work is done.  Having fairly unlimited access has turned out that she mostly does other things for fun - drawing, music, reading - and just gets on the electronics in spurts.  She has some sort of game on her 3ds that she is working on most evenings (Pokemon?), but I don't really worry as she has so many other things she is interested in doing.

[melmichigan]

All our kids have iPads.  House rule is that iPads are only used in the living room.  Some nights that may mean that all five kids and DH are crashed on the couch with and iPad, and I'm reading a book on my Kindle.  I tend to take turns who I sit next to so that we can talk about what they are doing/playing.  They are often discussing it between themselves or playing interactively online.

 

My DC struggle much more with the computers. We will have to take a different approach next year, I'm just not sure what it will be with five DC all doing school work at the same time.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Some people never learn to regulate their screen time. A few years ago a friend attending community college told me that all or nearly all the women in her class complained about their husbands/boyfriends being addicted to video games. From what I can tell, the people who are the most attracted to screen time are often those with the lowest ability to self-regulate their usage.

 

Did any of those wives or girlfriends play video games too? The majority of time I hear this kind of complaint from spouses who don't also play.

 

I see how much time a spouse spends on a hobby they like, it's s comparable amount of time the other spouse spends gaming.

 

When I am actively weaving, I spend as much time at my loom as an active gamer spends at their computer. Hobbies.

 

*teaching kids to self regulate is a different issue.